Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Getting Fatter

Lately, I feel absolutely 100% fatter than I did 2 weeks ago. I dunno what it is about *this* weight... 240ish... that feels so enormous compared to 20 pounds ago, but I am starting to get flashbacks to my 280-pound days. Things like getting tired when I am going up and down stairs. Pain in my joints. Wanting to sit and/or sleep a lot (wanting to, but not being able to with children about). Not having many clothes that fit (having sold all my fat clothes). And yesterday, the ultimate insult: holes in the inner thigh of my pants. Ugh! I thought I was done with that...

In fact, I have glitched back to a bad habit I had way back... the habit of thinking of "on" or "off" a diet or eating plan rather than just seeing it as a lifestyle. I find myself thinking:

Oh, I can't "do it" today, I am too stressed out. When the bathroom is finished I will feel better and then I will "do it."

My kid's birthday is in a few days, and I have to bake a cake for her, and there will be ice cream and stuff, so I can't "do it" until that's over.

We are having people over for a party next week, and we have a menu plan that isn't very low calorie... so I need to wait to "do it" until after that.

My birthday is coming up soon, and my kids will probably make me a cake and take me to dinner and stuff, so I don't wanna "do it" before then.

We are going on vacation at the end of the month, and it's no fun to try and lose weight on vacation, and I won't be able to concentrate, so I will wait until we come back to "do it."

It's ridiculous. Setting up "weight loss" as an amorphous "it" that one must "do" as if it were a one-time task. It's not. What about all the time in between those events? Even if I plan to eat with complete abandon *on* those occasions, what sense does it make to eat junk on ALL the days and in ALL the hours *in between* these events? There is never a perfect time to "do it" and I will never be 100% motivated and energized to "do it." There are always excuses, from tragedies and health scares to the fact that there is a peanut butter cup in the freezer. "Oh, I can't 'do it' now, now with [this] looming. I'll 'do it' later."

And it never happens, and we stay fat, or get fatter.

I admit it. I am not focused. I am scattered all over the place with 'stuff.' My husband is back again, I have a lot of 'stuff' I am trying to get done. I tell myself I cannot focus or put forth the effort or it isn't a good time, and then I drink a milkshake. As if that is going to make it better.

I really want to turn this around. Before I end up 280 pounds again. It's not all that far off.

Baby robins, 4 days old:


NewMe said...

Hi Lyn,

We've all had that feeling of being "on" (plan, diet, whatever) or "off". Personally, I don't like either feeling--totally virtuous (yet on a tightrope) or completely out of control.

My gentle suggestion is to get off the on/off merry-go-round. Just eat: good food, in reasonable quantities. It's your birthday? Have a small piece of cake. Friends coming over? Enjoy the food you're serving, but stop when you're full. Drink your water, exercise--but please don't beat yourself up.

Give up the all or nothing mentality and live. Love yourself for the wonderful person that you are: a extraordinarily honest, thoughtful person; an excellent writer; a mom who's trying her best.

And yes, tomorrow IS another day. And hopefully there will be many more to come. Take one day--take one meal--at a time. Try and find the comfort you clearly need in things other than milkshakes. Take my word on it, they're yummy, but talking to a good friend, blogging or reading a good book are much more helpful.

I will ramble no more. I just want to tell you that you are loved.

Megan said...

Hey Lyn
Sure can't help you with the "stuff", you'll have to work that out on your own :) But, though I know advice isn't really what you want and I usually avoid it, but just this once :) During the holidays I had so many days I felt like were going to be obstacles and I was feeling like the whole month would be a bust. I sat down with a blank calendar and put down all of my food obstacles. It wound up being really liberating to look and see that even with all that there were still so many days of 'routine eating' possible. I know this doesn't help at all with all the other stuff that gets in the way, (in the weigh?) but we sure are rooting for you!

Chubby Chick said...

I know exactly how you feel, Lyn... and I KNOW that you can turn it around!

So many times in the past I have sabotaged myself because I waited to "do it" until a special occasion had passed by. I figured it was no use to try if I was going to pig out on the special occasion looming ahead. But as you know... that makes no sense at all! We need to "do it" NOW... and get the thought of overindulging at the special occasion out of our minds. We need to PLAN for the special occasion and realize that it's OK to indulge a bit if we count the calories... but it is NOT OK to OVERindulge BEFORE, AFTER, or DURING the special occasion.

It's all about making the best choices on a daily basis... and doing that consistently. And I KNOW that you can do that! And you know that I'll be right here beside you cheering you on... because I believe in you! :)

Rina said...

Okay, I don't know how you do it, but everything you say makes so much sense to me, and it's exactly what I need to hear. Go on, go on!

I started reading two weight loss blogs when the bloggers had already lost all of their weight, so although I read the archives and learned from their experience, I still wanted to find someone still in the process, whom I could cheer along and lose weight with. You are my blogger - because you are an excellent writer, what you say resonates with me, and you are still in the process.

So now you HAVE to lose all that weight because I need you too :) Don't let me down! :) And I hope I lose weight along with you. THANK YOU!!!

Theresa said...

I can feel the emotions in your post.... you are such a gifted writer Lyn.
I don't have any answers.... but I think you do if you dig deep inside. It's hard to look into ourselves. I'm working on this process too. Hugs,

ShredFail said...

I struggle with this. I tell myself it is a new lifestyle but find the same thought you describe - wanting a day off, waiting until after a fun event, etc. I try and tell myself it is like the last time I quit smoking - I knew I could never do "it" again or I would have to start all over. I'll let you know how that works out LOL

45+ and Aspiring said...

Hi Lyn,
I'm sorry to hear about your struggles. I am just finally getting back on track after a mult-year self-recording of not being able to "do it." I weigh more than I ever have and I definitely feel it when I move.

My best friend told me that reading my blog was like watching a child have a tantrum. Just snap out of it and do it. . . .that was kind of her message to me. Self-righteous, B. . .

But in the last few days as I've gotten my head in the game and on track, I've been using a tool that I think you might be find helpful too. I say to myself when confronted with the desire for a milkshake or other challenges like it, "What would old Sandy do?" I've had resolve before. I knew what to do and I did it, and it felt great. I'm channeling the old me. The winner inside

What would the Old Lyn do today?

Take care of yourself and put on the brakes. You can do it.

wyndymoon said...

I still eat like that. Clean your plate, don't waste. I know I don't need too be it is so ingrained...

Your baby robins remind me of last summer when our garage was only partially built. Momma robin used the doorway as there was no door yet and built her nest up in the trusses. My hubby protected that nest like it was his own children and held off the rest of the constuction until the babies grew and left. It was funny as the first day they tried to fly, falling to the ground, my hubby was horrified and would put them back in their nest, only to have them fly past his head as he was climbing back down the ladder. For hours hubby and son kept put them back, up and down, up and down. Finally he just gave up and refused to let the cat outside for days until the robins had moved on. So sweet!

South Beach Steve said...

Lyn, I feel for you. I am going to tell you like it is though. There is no "planning" to start. You just gotta say that today is the last day of the old you. When you wake up in the morning, you begin the first day of the rest of your life. There are no "off" days, but if you make a mistake, just get right back on track. If you blow one meal, you don't take the rest of the day off, because that is not how it is done. I don't mean to be harsh and I hope you don't take it that way. I am just telling you that the difference in success and failure is the decision. Once the decision is made, the rest is simple. (I used to say easy, but it is not easy. There will be hard times. It is truly simple though, because the decision has been made). Good luck to you Lyn. I am backing you all the way!

Blue Moon said...

Wait - pause and catch your breath. From what I know about my own downward spirals (NOT a yoga reference ;) you are heading into some mighty negative territory. Pause - this is the gateway to breaking your good habit pattern. This is that stepping stone that has caught me so many times by the nape of my neck, and plucked me from the road to reaching my desired health. Don't let it happen this time. This is the moment that the younger spirit inside of you is raising a stink for some reason. For some reason - when this happens to me, I can never figure our what it is I really want, or am trying to feel. I always struggle trying to understand these kind of feelings. I compare it to watching a foreign film without the subtitles. It's that sharp curve in the road where we don't have the street map. Don't run off the road. Even if your eating habits took a roller coster ride - just hold on over the dips and curves - but stay in your seat and stay buckeled. Don't derail and get lost. I think I know how you feel. I hope my insights help you with yours. Please remeber it is a temporary phase - and it will pass.

elife said...

I know how you feel....for me, thinking I've re-gained all the weight is just like regaining the weight. I start thinking and acting like my former fatter, less healthy self, and soon I am that person.

It makes crazy sense when I do it to myself, so to read of someone else's feelings, well hear me now missy: Forty pounds down is a major amount of weight!!! You are nowhere near where you were.

Forty pounds has had a major impact on your health, your joints, your clothing size. And all of the changes - the experimenting with vegetables and healthy cooking, the trips to the farmers market, the introspection on this blog. You are a different person.


Anonymous said...

Great insight, NewMe.

Shannon Seaback said...

I felt that way too when I was in my main stage of losing weight. Once I had lost alot, I had wanted the rest to be off too. It was like I suddenly realized what I was.

Tammy said...

Lyn...you are the reason I started my own weight loss blog. Do not give up....do not go backwards. Take your own advice. Chill out, settle down for a few, and think before you eat. Just take 5 mins to yourself (even if you have to hide in the bathroom), and think about your food choice before you make it. Don't look at all the things ahead of you all at once. Take it one day at a time. I read in your blog that if you eat a bad meal, make the next one a healthy one. Maybe it would help you to go back and read some of your own blogs. You can do this. I believe in you girl! Try not to stress over so many things at once, you're overwhelming yourself. It's easy to do, I know, but you can turn this around, and you will. You've got what it takes. You've proven that.

"The man who removes a mountain begins by carrying away small stones." -Chinese proverb

Tammy :)

Hanlie said...

I used to do that too! These days I seem to be much better... whenever an event where I know I'll eat badly comes up, I make a concerted effort to eat extra healthy before and after. It makes a huge difference!

Good luck!

The Nutrition Angel said...

I feel your frustration.

You already know this, but all you need is a balance. If most of what you consume consists of fruit, vegetables and a small proportion of whole grains, then feeling terrible about eating cake or going on holiday will be less of a strain. Also, you need to consider what is going on emotionally.

Our emotions drive our habits and behaviours if yours dictate your eating patterns, then this will never be resolved until you get to the route of what's troubling you. Only you will know if this is the case.

I indulge occasionally but the reason I don’t do it often is because of how the food makes me feel. How do you feel about the food you eat? I’m talking healthy or unhealthy here. Think about this at your next meal.

Good luck and don’t give up.

Leisia said...

I have been on that same "mental Plateau" (as I call it) with my weight-loss journey. I really think we all have those and they are probably worse than the plateaus where the scale just won't budge for us. I was reading a book about weight-loss and the author was talking about when she got down to certain weights it would spark a memory of something that happened in her life when she was at that weight (before she had gained). One weight was where she was when her dad died, one was when she divorced, one was her highest pregnancy weight, etc. and these weights showing up on the scale triggered something emotional and she had a rough time moving on from that certain number on the scale. It sounds plausible to me...I really believe tht is where I am right now. So hopefully understanding what might be going on can help.

You can do this...just remember all the time and energy that you have already put into it.

Anonymous said...

I have been doing that "on again" and "off again" thing for the last few years and in that time, I gained about 75 pounds. There would always be a tomorrow or a next week or a "when things calm down" and so I never got anywhere. I did way more "off again" than anything else.

I gave myself the excuse to let one occasion turn into a whole day turn into a whole month. I let one little thing that hurt or angered me turn into a night of binging rather than just doing something else about it.

I recently got divorced, moved and decided that enough was enough. I changed the way I look at things and am all about the healthy lifestyle now. Pretty much every day is led eating well and if I happen to have cake one night, I have cake. I don't let it ruin me.

Anyway, sorry for being so long winded....I hope you find your balance. :)

rmslil said...

I have those fat days alot.

Lynna said...

I am learning that loving myself right here and right now! is the only thing that fosters a desire to eat what is good for me. (Note: Sometimes a small piece of chocolate cake IS good for me.)I think the whole "secret" to permanent weight loss, and more importantly, wholeness, lies in learning to love ourselves and allowing that to drive our food choices. (Our "diet-crazed" culture has it backwards by hating our bodies and believing that we can only love them if we lose weight.) The simple, but not easy task: to love yourself, love your body, in the moment. Then, the choice of what to eat or not eat is driven by love instead of fear or guilt.

Mrs. Myers @ Eat Move Write said...

I promise you, you can do it. I used to weigh 343 pounds. Look at me now. There are a lot of out there that have followed paths to health. Varied, but still hard, all the same. I promise you, you have all the strength you need. If it was your child, you would stop at nothing to help them be well and healthy. Do the same for yourself. Realize you're worth it. You really are. Just keep on keeping on.

Sarah said...

As I am fond of saying, you have to work at it in the now to see the results later. If you keep putting off the now, you get to later and there is nothing there except more weight. Time just keeps marching forward, every little bit helps.

anne h said...

Look at the helpless baby birds...We are just like them - we open up our beaks and someone feeds us. Now that we have made our own nests, there will be days like you described. You are all good, no matter what you eat or do not eat.

Ria said...

Very insightful post, Lyn . . . thinking of my fitness plan as something from which I could take time "off" was exactly how I gained all my weight back a few years ago, as a long weekend turned into a week, then months and finally a year.

I'm rooting for you to avoid that trap . . . those flashbacks are gifts, to the extent that they remind you how far you've come and how much it's worth to you to hold onto your progress.

Anonymous said...

Yes, so true. The "I'll get to it soon" is ... I've been doing it, living it for years. It's not high on my priorities, never has been. Even though I felt it was, it hasn't obviously, because I'm still obese.

I feel you, I understand. I wax poetic about it being a life change, and yet I don't make it so. I feel you. And each step, and each misstep, is part of it...

like my friend says and just like you KNOW - it's a journey of perseverance!! You've GOT this girl, you've GOT this.

Karen In Tennessee said...

Oh Lyn, I could have written that myself. I want to lose weight. I want to be healthier. I want to feel better. Yet I continue to live this insane way eating endless amounts of junk and no healthy food...not even trying most days. When am I going to say enough is enough? When I am 600 pounds? Sometimes I worry that I will just keep eating till I die.

Georgia Mist said...

Lyn! I'm on Spark People, too!
Come by my Spark page and say "hello!".

I'm GeorgiaMist.

tzumama said...

Karen in Tennessee: Me, too. Me, too.

LittoBubbo said...

you are inspirational... how did you do it? i just saw this post now, and I dont know where you started with the loss... I just want to lose 10 pounds at first because if i am over that i am overweight... my doc appointment is soon.. all of a sudden i gained so much fat... i didn't even eat anything bad this week.... what did you do to help you lose weight. not help like pills.. what did u do.. run a lot? eat none of (((( or etc