Saturday, May 16, 2009

Readjusting...

This has been a total week from hell in regards to my eating. I absolutely regressed back to the behavior that got me to morbid obesity. And my body is showing it. I am so tired, cranky, moody, and unmotivated it is not even funny.

I wasn't even going to blog this, but as always, I am keeping it real. In fact this is the reason people regain weight and get/stay fat. I don't like it but the whole reason I have this blog is to chronicle the battle, the ups and downs. And this week has definitely been a huge problem!

All week I have been hitting the drive thrus. McD's and Starbucks for the most part. I found myself doing things I have not done in a long, long time, including:

Going to McD's for a Big Mac meal as a "snack" at 3pm before picking up a kid from preschool... sitting in the car eating it and then driving to a trash can to dispose of the evidence.

Eating a candy bar in the bathroom so no one would see me.

Eating 3 candy bars in a row as a snack.

Eating far more than I can comfortably stomach but continuing anyway.

Drinking a lot of Coke, iced coffees, hot coffees... every day.

Eating a lot of cheese, a can of Pringles in one sitting, 4 buttered English muffins for a nighttime snack.

Eating waffles and sausage for breakfast every day (which my husband has been preparing).

Watching the vegetables rot in the fridge.

Eating 3/4 of a half gallon of ice cream in 2 days.

Eating crap like hot dogs. Ew.

I am really disgusted. I totally know better than to do this to myself. In fact I have been shoving food in my face and at the same time, thinking, "This has to stop." And I know I am not the only one who struggles this way.

The only aerobic activity I had all week was a one mile walk. I am clearing out space in the family room for the weights to go in there, as per my plan, and trying to get outside and be active at least walking to the park every day, but this eating has got to stop. I weigh 238, and my freaking pants don't fit anymore. The fat rolls are busting out like you wouldn't believe.

This really sucks, but it is what it is. Although I am annoyed with myself, I am also forgiving myself and today feeling better enough to start making better choices for myself.

You know, I was thinking. A lot of times, when bloggers "fall off the wagon" as they call it, they stop blogging. They disappear. No one has any idea what happened to them. It's like the Bermuda Triangle of the Blogosphere: sailing along and BAM! Where'd they go?? I really hate that. But I understand it. It's hard to admit it when you make mistakes. But you know what? If you can't admit it, you can't change it. I am not going anywhere. Good, bad, 150 or 250 pounds, this is MY journey. I want to share it. I want to continue learning and growing and changing. Because I don't have a wagon to fall off of anymore... just a life to live, and I want to make it as happy and healthy as I can. Reflecting over my days and weeks helps me readjust and keeps me out of denial. And maybe my honesty helps other people stay honest, too.

Every moment is a fresh start. I'm ditching those old bad habits again. I feel better already. I know I have a lot of work ahead of me, but I am up for it.

45 comments:

Karen said...

I could have written this post myself. Expect to see a similar one on my blog tomorrow!

It's really frustrating to be eating out of control, but realizing what your doing as you do it at the same time. I've struggled with the same thing today.

But, you recognized what you've been doing, owned up to it, and as you say, are forgiving yourself. I think that last one is the most important thing!

Anonymous said...

Everyone has been there and beaten ourselves up over these mistakes. From reading your blogs, it seems like you are obviously dealing with a lot of "life" issues. I know this sounds really blunt, but are you getting outside help with some of those underlying issues? Those of us with food issues don't eat crap because we're weak, stupid or don't know it's bad for us. We use it to try to comfort ourselves or drug ourselves or punish ourselves for something else. that's going on. Sorry if that sounds a little "Jillian Michaels," but I really believe it. You can achieve everything you want to.

Anonymous said...

"This really sucks, but it is what it is. Although I am annoyed with myself, I am also forgiving myself and today feeling better enough to start making better choices for myself."

Thanks! I'm choosing to apply this to my own 'stinkin' thinkin' issue.

Marie

redballoon said...

Lyn,
Parallel universe here for sure. Here, it's the morning after a sugar binge of yesterday and I feel literally as if I'd been hitting the bottle all night (OK, that's an exaggeration) but yesterday I just couldn't stop. And there was no buzz, just this whacked out daze of a haze.
I know why I did it. Too many things eating me (pun applicable).
But heck, here I am again and here you are and we're going to stop it..yes, AGAIN, but certainly that's a huge difference from not stopping it for days, weeks on end.
Up and at 'em, Lyn and thanks for not disappearing into Blogosphere!

*Kristine* said...

I always enjoy your blogs and how you keep it real.

I know that when I'm having a rough week I blog less. I blog less because I'm hiding from my people, hiding from my bad choices.

MargieAnne said...

I hope writing down what you are doing has helped you get back on track. Sometimes it takes a little time and you have to be satisfied with small victories.

So I hope you have planned to not go near the fast food places today or maybe you chose to make your snack times healthy again.

You can do this. Glad the gym thing is working out. I wish I had a little bit of equipment at home. Sigh!

Maybe after our trip ......

VeeGettingHealthy said...

Sometimes when I feel the urge for Mickey D's, I remember that the kids working there are horrible little twits and imagine them spitting or sneezing in my food. Gross, I know, but sometimes (yes, only sometimes), it helps.

You can do this. You can get back to it. We all have moments when we fall into old habits. And that's what they are: habits. If I can do it, you can do it, you can too!

Don't disappear on us. Keep blogging. That's why you're here. That's why we're here. Keep with us, please.

Vee at www.veegettinghealthy.blogspot.com

Thealogian said...

Thanks, as always, for modeling "radical truth talk."

One thing that I'm trying to do in order to avoid eating when I'm not hungry (you know, bored, upset, anxious) is to try to do a self-soothing exercise pre-emptively each day (not when it comes on, although then too), but kind of like meditation as preventative medicine? Like, you have to take the birth control everyday, even though you may not have sex everyday (stretching the analogy)...but you know, I won't necessarily have a impulse issues with food everyday, but the days that I do do the mediation its easier to self-soothe in other ways.

Peace

bbubblyb said...

So true that "Every moment is a fresh start" I'm always reminding myself of that. Hope things get better. I'm sure a lot of this is adjusting to having your husband there full time now. *hug*

Deb said...

Your being so honest helps so many of your readers, including me. I bet your honesty is helping you too.

Amy Greenan said...

I think it says a lot that you are blogging during a really difficult time... thank you for sharing the good, the bad, and the ugly with us. We have all been there and totally understand. You have the ability to break out of this funk, and I believe that you will.

xo

Chubby Chick said...

I've had more "fresh starts" than I can count. You are definitely not alone in this! This is NOT the end... it really is the beginning.

Put it behind you and move on. Each step in the right direction is one step closer to your goal of leading a more fit and healthy life.

As you so often say... you WILL succeed if you do not quit. And you are obviously NOT a quitter! :)

Mama Bear June said...

Continuing to stay accountable and admitting to the stumbles is a huge step toward success. Get right back in the game and drop those bad habits! I know you can do it.
Path to Health

aha said...

I'm glad you did blog-- I appreciate that you ARE documenting the highs and the lows. Even though in our (my) heads we know others have the same struggles, it really helps to hear it. So, thank you for sharing, and please know that you aren't alone in doing these same ups and downs. I promise to walk tomorrow morning and I hope you do too :)

hang in there!

Calorie Hater said...

Sorry your week has been hellish. I'm glad you're not running away when things get tough and that you continue to blog. Please hang in there!

antgirl said...

You keep coming back and regrouping. I think that's a sign of progress ... you're not giving up.

I had my bouts of that, too - back and forth and back and forth.

I think it's just part of this road ... a bumpy one. :)

HugeMD said...

The first step is realizing you need to get back on track. I totally agree that blogging to keep yourself honest doesn't help if you don't 'fess up. It sucks to write in your blog that you gained almost 20 lbs. in a couple weeks (just did it), but if I didn't it would probably mean gaining another 20. Good for you for just putting it all out there! Good luck!

FatTrainer said...

I know what you mean completely. Since I've been working out regularly, I've been trying to eat better, but it never seems to work. I go somewhere, look for a salad, none sound good, so I end up with a big fatty burger instead. And there goes the good workout I had. I can already tell that fixing my eating habits is going to be WAY harder than working out regularly.

Rachel said...

Thank you so much for not just disappearing after a few slip-ups. I admire your attitude so much, and really enjoy your posts, and it would suck to lose you from the internet! Being honest and real is not just about the weight loss journey - it also shows your strength of character.

Lori said...

Thank you for keeping it real, and for not disappearing. I've been where you are, many times- fallen off the wagon and wanting desperately to get back on but I can't. The hardest is the first day when you really try to get back on- after that, it's not so bad. Getting through that first day is hard, though, so I would recommend some non-food treats to keep your spirits up. The next morning, you feel "emptier" and it's easier to stick with it. Good luck!!

Hanlie said...

I find it very encouraging that we seem to be doing so much better this year... Yes, we have bad weeks, like you've just had, but we don't allow them to run on for months anymore. We rein ourselves in pretty quickly and get back on track. I think that is huge progress!

Our success will not be measured by the fact that we never failed along our journey, but that we turned it around quickly. That means YOU are well on your way to success!

Go for it, girl!

Sometimes we just have to backslide so that we can appreciate how awful our previous lives really were...

Tamzin said...

you can do it! :) And thank you for keeping on keeping on the blogging!

TC said...

Lyn,

I just wanted to THANK YOU for writing this blog. I have been reading your old posts for days! I am almost caught up, and I am so amazed at your journey and how you have persevered! You have to be one of the strongest people I have ever encountered. Today's post just proves that. You never run away from your mistakes or slips, you face them and try to figure out what caused them and move on. Thank you for staying with us and not fading away into blogger oblivion.

I just started blogging about my weight loss last month, and your blog has been a huge inspiration to me. I wrote about you last night, in fact! Reading all your old posts has really gotten me thinking about my habits and what's behind them. I just signed up with SparkPeople too. :) Fun site. You may have even nudged me to try some new veggies...and I am NOT a fan. MIRACLE!

Ok, have a few more months to read before I get to today's blog, officially, better get back to it. :)

TC

Twix said...

Keep keeping it real! ;-)

Anonymous said...

Thanks for your honesty. We've all been there.

It sounds like maybe you need some alone time, not in brief minutes grabbed here and there in the car, or the bathroom, but some solid time to breathe and relax.

It sounds like, in a way, maybe you are trying to make the most of the little time that you find away from others to express yourself and your wants.

Susan said...

You've had some excellent advice here, Lyn.

I just want to add a comment about your husband. Why the heck is he cooking you sausage-and-waffle breakfasts every morning? It's just like when he left a boatload of chocolate bars behind after he left. He's trying to sabotage you. Kick his ass from me! And if he's going to cook breakfast, ask for a diet-friendly breakfast. Sheesh!

Bwah-hah-hah! My word verification spells "ranterso"! Must be some kind of karma.

Jenn said...

I'm with you, really. It is so hard to break away from those habits which we know make us feel better - fast food, chocolate, feeling over-stuffed.
But look at you - owning up to it (publicly), making a conscious decision to not beat yourself up! That is GREAT PROGRESS.
This probably won't be the last time this happens, either. But if you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and keep running, then you're going to be just fine.

Jenn @ Watch My Butt Shrink!

Stephanie said...

Wow ... I feel like you just reached inside my brain. I've been doing the same thing for the past two months. It's insane and SO aggravating.

We can both get back on track though. I just know it. Hang in there! *Hugs*

Lyn said...

Thanks all :)

Been making better choices since I wrote this, which is a start.

Susan~

Yeah, I get sabotage behavior from him often (he asked if I'd mind if he bought donuts, and I told him I WOULD mind but if HE wants a donut for himself, to just buy ONE for him but none for the kids and I... but then he went and bought a dozen anyway. But believe it or not I didn't eat one). But I think this time he is just trying to be helpful by prepping breakfast for the kids in the morning... and I have been going in and eating it too. No more of that business. I'll stick with my smoothies.

Hopeful said...

Thank you so much for posting. You are much more capable of expressing MY feelings than I am!! :-)

I kind of had the same thing happen to me yesterday. I'm hoping that I'm able to keep it to JUST yesterday!

Heather said...

thats why Im glad that you still write. You are right, a lot of people who make mistakes dont write about them or stop writing. Im glad that you still write and are honest and I would hope that others would see that its ok to make mistakes and it doesnt mean that you have failed or you need to be embarrassed. No one is perfect and we all have slipups. Its hard to write about sometimes, but its reality.

rusty61 said...

God, Lyn, you are so amazing. I love how you keep moving forward, even when it feels like you're going backward.

Keep going. Every day you are getting stronger.

Ginger & Brent said...

First of all (((HUGS))), because I think you may need them right now. Second of all, you do an incredible job of owning up to your behavior and "keeping it real" on this blog. Acknowledging that you have a problem is the first step to solving it - no matter how many times you have to acknowledge it or how many times you have to take that first step. And lastly, I am concerned about the intensity of your binge. Speaking from my own experience, this doesn't seem like the average "fall off the wagon". This seems more like an attempt at self medication for something else in your life that may be out of whack right now. Especially considering the secretive aspect of your eating. It's like you are trying to grab control of something because you have no control over something else. At least this is how it feels to me when I read your post. I'm glad you are not beating yourself up over this and that you are moving on. And if my feelings are right, I hope you are able to find out what's bugging you and put a stop to it. I wish you well on your continued journey.

Karen In Tennessee said...

Oh Lyn Lyn Lyn, I could have SO written that all myself. I started off the week so well! I weighed myself and got busy. The first two days of the week were amazing. I got so much done and faced things that were not so great rather than stuffing all those bad feelings down with food. What happened? I honestly don't know. It started with a taste of something off Ed's plate and then a trip to the store to get one controlled portion of junk food, to a daily ritual of eating at the computer and accomplishing nothing else. My mood went from upbeat and productive to mad at the world, or in reality, myself. I have not weighed. The number last Tuesday was ghastly enough. But as you said: every day, every MINUTE, is a chance to do this right. I cannot thank you enough for your honesty about these issues. I certainly would never have the courage to do it so I appreciate being able to come here and know that someone else is like me, that someone else gets the insanity of what we are doing.

Hang in there, Lyn. I haven't given up hope for either of us!

PatriciaW said...

You too? Can you say a bucket of movie popcorn? Double layer devil's food cake with chocolate frosting (which I baked for son's birthday)? Vanilla cupcakes with vanilla icing (which I also baked for non-chocolate eating other son)? Chips ahoy? Should I go on?

But don't despair. I'm. Up to this moment has been what it it. It's when you reach the decision crossroads and you make a decision--to run, not walk, in the other eating direction--that you feel good about making the right choice. That's where I am, and that knowledge will buoy me through the evening and into tomorrow.

Anonymous said...

Okay so remember how great you were feeling just a short time ago? Well, guess what you will have that feeling back after just one day of getting back on your plan. Do it for you! I know you can. There are people rooting for you.

Miss Mary said...

Sorry this will not be very inspirational but I can say I know exactly what you are going through. I am 39 years old. I was never a very thin person but would kill to be back in size 10 or 12(when I also thought I was fat). I gained over 50 lbs when I went to nursing school, quit smoking and ate low fat (yeah right) carbs because fat made you fat (remember who said that?). I quit weighing myself at 236lbs. I have lost aroud 25 lbs over the last couple of years and fight like he## to keep it off... It is a constant battle against a monster I am weak against. We know how good we feel when we eat good and get excersize so why-why-why do we do it???? I just dont know how to fight this battle anymore and I am weary. I have been back to the old eating habits myself knowing full well the consequences... I am scared to death I have lost control for good. And to top it off I have a terrible case of the "who cares-i dont care's". Sorry this sounds so desperate but I just wanted you to know you are not alone with your struggle... I wish you the best!!!

Edie said...

You're not alone -- I've been a little eating binge this week too. But, it's one day at a time and tomorrow's another day. Recognizing the behavior is the first step to conquering it.

Ria said...

It must be going around . . . I've also been having serious problems staying motivated! I was out of town this weekend, so I missed my regular Sunday weigh-in . . . I'm planning to do it tomorrow morning instead, and I suspect it isn't going to be pretty.

I love your attitude toward these setbacks - every moment IS a fresh start. Here's to making this week a good one!

Blossom said...

You nailed it. Sounds very familiar to me! But I've seen your determination; I have no doubt you'll get back on plan.

Coley said...

How funny, I just blogged this exact topic yesterday! So I totally know what you mean. In fact, just 20 minutes ago I was standing in the kitchen "putting away" a bag of sunchips (by putting away, I mean shoving several handfuls in my mouth whilst slowly, every so slowly, closing the bag)... thinking to myself, "Seriously?.... seriously."

Diana said...

Oh Lynn - I totally feel your pain. I've been exactly here you are many times in my life.

I remember the first time I lost 100 pounds. I was so happy, then I started slipping and slipping. Doing the exact same behavior that you're doing. I quickly gained back all 100 pounds.

I wish I had some great words of wisdom, but I think you already said them. It is what it is and you have to just move forward.

Take care and listen to yourself. You're a smart lady and you're going to succeed at this.

foodfoodbodybody said...

I really respect and appreciate your honesty. I hope you can get out of this spiral because I know it feels bad.

I just finished reading David Kessler's "The End of Overeating" and found it SO ILLUMINATING and helpful. Not only does he explain in physiological, psychological and monetary ($$ making) terms exactly WHY we do these things, he also gives concrete steps to break out of it. It's not easy but IT IS POSSIBLE.

It's way worth the investment in you to check it out. Sending you positive wishes.

big_mummy said...

thankyou for writing this post- i recognise some of your habits and i think its very easy to be completely ashamed and pretend that you didnt do it- so you are doing great at just admitting that- and because you are doing that, when you move on and draw a line under this, you will be able to forgive yourself. xx

Anonymous said...

God, thank ;you so much. For being honest. I have gained and lost weight so many times. I am starting again and know this is for the rest of my life. I know exactly why I am fat. I use food like a drug addict uses drugs. Seeing food as a drug has helped immensely. I am favoriting this blog. I am working on week two as a sober food addict. As I told my mom, now wonder skinny bitches are so bitchy, they aren't covering all of their emotions with food. Good luck climbing back on the wagon.
chris