Sometimes it feels like there's two different people living in this body: a healthy, fit girl and a lazy, fat girl. Sometimes they have talks with each other, like when I see a brownie in the store:
Fat Girl: oohhhh, that looks gooood. Look at the frosting! I want that.
Fit Girl: No, you don't want that. It'll make you ill.
Fat Girl: No it won't! It's only one brownie. It won't hurt anything and you can make a salad later.
Fit Girl: One brownie got you where you are now.
Fat Girl: Oh come on, I really really want it. And wouldn't a bottle of chocolate milk taste sooo good with it? You can eat it in the car... mmmm.
Fit Girl: Shut up.
Sometimes they have little spats when I am getting ready to exercise, too:
Fat Girl: Ugh, I don't want to bike.
Fit Girl: We are biking.
Fat Girl: I'm too tired!
Fit Girl: That's the point.
Fat Girl: We could make a plate of fettuccine and watch TV instead.
Fit Girl: Nope.
And their behaviors come out in interesting ways, too:
Fat Girl circles the parking lot for 10 minutes waiting for someone to pull out so she can park really close to the store, because heaven forbid she should walk farther than she absolutely has to. She sees a close parking space as some kind of victory. It's like winning the lottery. "Yay! I got the closest parking spot! Yess! I beat everyone to it!"
Fit Girl just drives up and takes whatever spot is open, because that is the logical thing to do if you don't have a handicapping condition that forces you to park closer. She leaves the closer spots for the elderly, the sick, those with small children, and other people who really need them. She understands that walking a little farther to the store is no hardship and actually contributes to her overall well being.
Fat Girl sees cookies, brownies, or pieces of cake and eyeballs them down to the last millimeter to see which one is the biggest before taking her serving. If a cheesecake is cut into 8 slices, and she is in public (where she knows she is only going to get one piece and not be able to eat the whole cheesecake herself), she carefully looks at the width of each slice to get herself the biggest one. Again, some kind of victory, like a child who gets more than their playmates and dances around singing, "I got more than youuuuuuuu! I got more than youuuuu!"
Fit Girl takes whatever piece she gets, or goes for the smallest serving because she does not *need* a huge piece to feel satisfied. She is happy to savor a half slice or even just a taste of someone else's dessert, because having dessert is not the pinnacle of her existence.
As you can see, Fat Girl is pretty juvenile in her actions. She is pretty selfish. It's all about winning, getting, having. She wants to sit around, ignore her responsibilities, and eat everything she *wants* to whenever she *wants* to in whatever manner she *wants* to. And heaven help anyone who gets in her way when she is trying to binge. GET AWAY FROM MY M&M's, BUSTER, OR I WILL BITE YOUR ARM OFF.
Fit Girl is more concerned about being healthy, being responsible, and taking care of herself. She is more mature, and doesn't have to have her every whim catered to. In fact, she is pleasant to be around and she enjoys life, unlike her bratty Fat Girl counterpart.
I wonder if these two essences of myself can peacefully coexist. I don't think they can. Someone's gotta go... or at least go far into the background in order to have some peace. It's the conflict between Fit Girl and Fat Girl that drives the sadness, guilt, and anguish that comes from feeling like a failure when trying to lose weight and struggling. Maybe that's why some people try to kill the Fit Girl by "accepting" that they do not want to diet, do not like exercise, and are "okay" with staying fat. Once Fit Girl is drowned in a vat of milkshakes, it's much easier to smile and eat pastries and not feel bad about *not* walking or eating vegetables or whatever. By embracing Fat Girl, one can be rid of the dichotomy that causes inner conflict.
But I don't want to do that. I want to embrace Fit Girl, and let Fat Girl melt away into the background. I want to walk and hike and be healthy and fit. I want to give up the inner brat... or rather, give her time outs until she learns how *not* to be so bratty.
Fit Girl took a walk this morning. She had a healthy breakfast of Egg Beaters with light cheese, watermelon, raspberries, and iced green tea. She had grilled chicken/veggie kabobs for dinner last night, with a side of broccoli salad and fresh mangoes, and tonight she is having grilled vegetables with feta on focaccia bread. She might even lift weights this afternoon.
I'll let Fat Girl sleep for now. She can slumber away, dreaming of cupcakes and lasagna while I live the life I've always wanted. When she awakens, I'll teach her to be civil. I can love her until she learns that it's safe to let herself become one with Fit Girl. And then there will be peace.
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