Wednesday, April 22, 2009

True Self

Today I realized I really missed myself.

Maybe you have no idea what I'm talking about, or maybe you know exactly what I mean. When you're sitting around, avoiding everything (tasks, people, feelings) and shoving snacks in your face, you lose yourself. The real you gets buried somewhere under the sugar, salt, processed junk. You cannot be your true best self in a food haze.

Yesterday I pretty much turned it around. I didn't want to and I didn't really feel like it. I felt like eating my favorite junk like I've been doing since I got sick. It's hard to get back on track... I'm sure you know. Things were piling up... literally. I have this counter between my dining room and my kitchen that is the general dumping ground for all paperwork that needs to be dealt with. Kids walk in from school and hand me stuff... I put it on that counter so I won't forget about it or lose it. Bills? In the file folder on the counter. Notes to myself of things to do, papers I need to file, coupons, etc... all of it goes there. Yes, I have a file on the counter, and I do sort my mail immediately when it comes into the house. But somehow when I am losing my mind in food, the counter reflects that. It is currently piled about 8 inches deep with paper over the entire surface. You can always walk into my house, look at the counter and know exactly how I am doing emotionally.

Anyway, yesterday I ate no junk. Staying away from junk made me grumpy and gave me a headache, but it also cut 4 pounds off my body that I had regained. And it helped me sleep better. This morning I woke up refreshed and didn't hobble to the bathroom. I had my Chai tea and a bowl of pumpkin flax granola with skim milk, and then got started on the housework. I opened all the windows to let the fresh air and birdsongs in, and started cleaning. Three loads of laundry, a sink full of dishes, and 2 hours later, I had a relatively clean space to work and freshly mopped, Geranium-scented floors. I still need to vacuum, but I will.

Why is this even important? It's important because *this is the true me.* The true me is happy, energized and optimistic. She loves springtime and summer, fresh air and yes, even cleaning. She loves the feeling of having a fresh clean house, and she even likes the tired feeling in her arms after she mops a thousand square feet of tile floors. Do you see? Eating the right things frees my true self! She is no longer hidden under loads of fat and self-loathing, misery and despair. My true self is NOT that woman who sits on the couch eating Cheetos and wishing things were different. THAT woman is a figment of the sugar fog. And she doesn't even notice how unhappy she really is.

The real me is here now. Still fat, sure. But I don't *feel* fat when I eat right. Putting fruits and vegetables and whole grains into my body makes me feel strong, youthful, and happy. I don't know why I ever choose otherwise.

I really did miss my true self. But I think she is going to hang around awhile... I just fed her some cantaloupe, and she loves cantaloupe!

Be your real, true self. She is there, just waiting for you to unlock the door.

18 comments:

Bethany said...

Hoo, boy, do I ever know whatcha mean! I feel like I've become a totally different person since I've gained so much weight. It's just impossible (for me) to NOT be negative and irritable when I don't feel good about myself. Glad you're feeling better!
Bethany

VeeGettingHealthy said...

I'm not me. Not yet. I know what you're saying but I'm pretty sure I'm not there yet. Not ready to sweep out the cobwebs. Maybe soon. Vee at www.veegettinghealthy.blogspot.com

Juice said...

God bless you Lyn. Your posts are an inspiration. Let's keep that ture lovely Lyn around for good!

DJ said...

Your posts really are an inspiration. You're expressing exactly how I've been feeling lately. Thank you so much.

Rosemary said...

It is amazing how much better I feel with only starting and loosing 13 lbs.

I am using quite a bit of processed foods right now in the beginning to get started, but I hope to in about a months time to slowly switch to all natural foods.

And I cannot wait for the difference my body will feel then!

Thanks for sharing,
Rosemary

Jeanne said...

I SOOOOO totally get you. Completely. I have been in a sort of "food fog" myself lately. It sucks because when I eat the things I REALLY want, I feel great for about 5 minutes....then I feel full and bloated and fat and gross and I stay that way for HOURS. I spend 5 minutes of happiness to suffer with HOURS of unhappiness. THAT MAKES NO SENSE....AND I KNOW IT!!!

I am also like you with my house. If my house is ORGANIZED (the cleaning isn't quite as important) then my brain is organized and everything is in a good place. But if my house is a mess and there's stuff everywhere...then, emotionally, I am a mess too.

My house is in a good place, my exercise has been consistent this week...I just need to STOP THE JUNK EATING!!

((HUGS))
Jeanne

Chubby Chick said...

Yay for you, Lyn!

I'm slowly letting my true self out of the fat prison I constructed around her, too. We can do this, girl! And I truly believe that we will! :)

♥ Dee ♥ said...

You're BACK!!!!

We missed you, too.

chubrubb said...

An awesome post as always, and I really get what you're saying. Why do we fall back into burying our true selves when things get tough? It feels so good to be freed from those "chains"!

Fat[free]Me said...

Oh, yes, I can bury a lot of me under the weight of food!

I am SO glad you have found your inner self - I like what I see!

fatty McButter Pants said...

Keep giving her what she REALLY wants...and she'll hang around. I have found that to be the way with my true self. Thanks for your always insightful posts.

antgirl said...

I can relate to 'losing yourself'. It is the most fantastic feeling on Earth to get all of yourself back together - empowering. Glad you're learning to enjoy being you and asserting you into your life. :)

Ceres said...

It's good to have you back, we missed you too. Now, please stay :-)

Lucrecia said...

I'm so happy to see the true you shining through! Its really sad when we forget who that person even is!

Lady Downsize! said...

Oh, that is where I am, but that me in the fog is starting to see all too well how unhappy she truely is. Just see my rant, and that is only the rattling from the foundation!

Heather said...

I like the concept of a true self a lot. that is exactly how I felt once I chose to become a healthier person. with each healthy choice I made, I would feel that my true self was coming out. thats why I named my blog what I did, becasue I wanted to let that true self out. it feels great and Im so glad that you are getting to experience this yourself.

Cyrena said...

I totally know what you mean. Its like you look in the mirror and see yourself, but you dont see your 'real self.' Its a faded image of who you used to be. Thanks for an inspirational entry!

Magoozie said...

Wow that is just how I was feeling yesterday. I'm so happy I found your blog!!