Thin Delusions

A long time ago, when I first got fat, I met a guy online. I weighed 227 pounds... the heaviest I had ever been up to that point. I was pretty self-conscious about it, too. I'd weighed 140-145 in my late teens and early 20's, but having children had put on some weight (and eating crap didn't help, either). Anyway, so I met this fella on AOL, which used to be a neat place to meet local people just by surfing profiles (back in the day when AOL had some good points... 1997-8 to be specific). We talked online for awhile, just casual talk, but I found him witty, intelligent, and engaging. Obviously a guy with a high IQ and a kind heart. After a few weeks of chatting, we discovered that we worked NEXT DOOR to each other! That gave us a good laugh... we'd probably walked past each other on the sidewalk on the way to work before.

I was single at the time, but hadn't gone on any dates. I had kids to raise. And I was fat. No guy wants a fat girl. Right? But this guy was so interesting that when he suggested we meet at a restaurant, I said yes. I wanted to find out who the person was behind the screen name.

I hadn't sent him a picture of myself, nor had he sent me one of him. This was back before everyone had digital cameras and pictures uploaded on their computers. I started to worry. What if he took one look at me and snuck out the back door? What if he saw me and his eyes got big as he tried to take me all in, as he scanned my chubby body up and down and his jaw dropped? Would he stammer out some niceties, make small talk, and then never talk to me again? I WAS FAT. I didn't have much self respect, was embarrassed of my body, and truly expected the worst. But I went anyway.

I walked into the restaurant and looked over to the bar. He'd told me he'd wait for me at the bar, and what he would be wearing: jeans, a black tee, and a (very cool) hat. Beyond that, neither of us had any idea what the other looked like. When I spotted him from the back, my heart started racing. He had a normal looking body type. He wasn't fat at all. What would he think of me? Am I too fat? I don't belong here. I am the fattest chick in the room. Oh my gosh, what am I doing? But I took a deep breath and walked over anyway.

When Dave turned around on his bar stool, he greeted me with a big smile and a hug. He was so warm and engaging, and never gave my fat body a glance. We sat and talked like old friends, laughing and sharing. It was the beginning of a long and beautiful friendship.

I later found out he was just as nervous as I was... not about what *I* looked like, but what I would think of *him.* What woman wants a guy 15 years older than she is, with a bald head, thick glasses, and a beard? But I didn't see that, just as he didn't see my fat. We saw the heart. We saw the good in each other and became very dear friends.

Of everyone in the world, I always knew Dave accepted and loved me as I am. Never in over a decade of friendship did he make a comment about my weight or size. NEVER. He always treated me with the utmost respect. He always told me I was beautiful. Always made me feel amazing, no matter how much weight I gained. He saw the inner me, and whenever he spoke about me he talked about how feminine I am, how pretty. If anyone in the world looked at me and saw me *without* any weight issues attached, it was Dave. When he got his first cell phone, I remember him telling me he assigned a special ringtone for when I called... "something light and feminine, that reminds me of you," he said.

One day, about a year ago, Dave got a new cell phone. I called him one evening to chat, and he'd been drinking a little. He was joking and laughing, talking about what a pain it was to reprogram the new cell phone. "I had to add new ringtones," he said, "and find one for your number." I said, "Oh, what song did you pick for my number?" He laughed, and said, "Probably something like Fat Bottomed Girls."

I was crushed. I didn't say anything, but it felt like my world collapsed. I felt my face get hot with embarrassment. He continued, "No, actually I think I'll use xxxx..." The song he named didn't even register. All I heard was.... Fat. He referred to me as fat. He thinks I am fat. I didn't say anything, but I got off the phone and cried. Real tears. The one person in this whole world who I *knew* never thought of me as fat... who never judged me or even so much as acknowledged my weight... had suggested Fat Bottomed Girls as my identifying ringtone. It really hurt.

I don't know why I thought that HE thought I was thin. I think it was part of a delusion I held while I was morbidly obese. "I'm not THAT fat." And some men appreciate curvy females. I was just curvy. And Dave saw me as a normal sized curvy girl. Only, he didn't. The last time he'd seen me I weighed 280 pounds. I certainly had a fat bottom, but somehow, it never occurred to me that HE saw it.

Blame it on the liquor, I guess. That was the one and only time he has EVER said anything weight related to me before or since. He's always been respectful, and sees me for me. He's been there for me through a lot of trials. When my mother tried to kill herself, Dave is the one who insisted I should fly in to be with her, and paid for my ticket. When she died, years later, he was there for me. He's a dear friend and I love him like a brother.

Only recently, when I went through my cervical cancer scare, did I tell Dave that I had lost a bunch of weight (I hadn't seen him in a good year). Dave said to me, "I'm glad. I was worried about you. I never said anything but I worried." He didn't mention the weight, but I understood. It had been *my* delusion, not his. From day one, he knew I was fat, but he didn't care. He only cared about my well being.

I kind of miss the delusion, though. It was nice thinking there was someone who didn't know I was obese. I liked always feeling like I was a normal weight when I was around Dave. But the fact is, it's better to face reality. Then I can change it, instead of just pretending the problem doesn't exist. Soon, that curvy, normal-weight girl I've always been on the inside, will be my reality on the outside. And that will be amazing.