Saturday, February 14, 2009

Saturday Night Update

This is my second post for today, an update on my food.

I was really upset about how poorly I felt I ate today. I had a lot of negative feelings about it. I had an unpleasant exchange with you-know-who today and it left me feeling frustrated and unsettled. I had bingey feelings for most of the second half of today, and it was rough.

Breakfast: Chai tea with 2% milk and agave nectar, 1 egg fried in Pam, 1 slice of wheat toast with 1 tsp butter, and a heap of leftover asparagus and leeks, with a cup of green tea. And one strawberry.

Snack: 1 string cheese and a Fuse sugar free pomegranate drink

Lunch: 1/3 of a banana, 1/3 of an apple, 1 Clementine, 1 cup of fresh pineapple, 5 strawberries, 1/3 cup of blueberries, and 3/4 cup of red seedless grapes... dipped in dark Belgian chocolate (flowing from the fountain... approx 3 oz)

Then, the unpleasant conversation occurred. I took my kids and went to the park. I walked a lot, and played with them. The sun was even out some of the time, but I felt so sad. I felt... hopeless. It was hard. I wish I didn't let him affect me that way. I just tried to enjoy my kids and the fresh air. I did enjoy it, but... well... there was an underlying fear, and feeling of uncertainty.

Went home, and started thinking about dinner. My husband had brought home ribeye steaks. Lots of them. He got a good price I guess. But I started getting upset in my head. They are my favorite cut of beef, but they are SO FATTENING. He also brought home stuff to make waffles and bacon for dinner this week, and full-fat cream cheese and chocolate to make truffles. And *he has the right.* I cannot control what he eats. But, I started letting it get in my head.

"I have to make ribeye steaks for dinner tonight. I love ribeye steaks. I will never lose weight eating ribeye steaks."
"Tomorrow he will make those waffles and bacon for dinner and how the heck can I lose weight eating waffles and bacon?"
"Truffles?!? And my daughter is helping him make them. How can I say no when she offers me one that she made, so proud of herself? And how long will there be truffles in the house, tempting me every day? This is impossible."

I felt overwhelmed and got that "giving up" feeling. And I was hungry. I got a sugar free jello with a bit of whipped cream on it. Then I got myself a serving of baked pita chips and hummus. Then I started going rounds with the fat chick in my head:

"May as well eat that leftover birthday cake."
"NO! I didn't even like it!"
"Well then, go to the store and buy a pie. Or a whole box of chocolates, and eat them all before you come home. And a Starbucks latte sounds good."
"NO! I won't do that. I don't want to be fat!"
"You're already fat. It doesn't matter."
"It matters to ME!"
"You deserve a latte. After all, you're having ribeye steaks tonight so you're going to be way over your calories anyway. Tomorrow, too, with waffles, bacon, truffles..."
"NO! I don't care. I am NOT going to binge."
"Yes, you are. That German chocolate frosting sounds good..."
(Then I opened the lid to the cake)
"Yum! Take a piece! It will make you feel better!"
(Then I took a fork and took one bite of cake.)
"STOP IT. You do NOT need that cake."
(Then I put the lid back on and drank 16 ounces of water and got out of the kitchen).

After that, I was exhausted. But I had to make dinner. I ate:

One ribeye steak with all the fat trimmed off, 1/2 cup mashed potatoes, 1/4 cup leftover roasted rutabagas, 1/2 cup steamed green beans.

I had several strawberries with a small bit of dark chocolate afterwards.

Then, frustrated, I sat down and calculated my calories. It was much better than I thought: 1988. Whew. I am glad I didn't give up and give in.

Now, although I am totally wiped out, I am going to ride my bike for a half hour, because tomorrow is my day off from riding. I might even lift weights tonight, but I dunno. One thing I learned this week: the late night rides have got to stop. I am exhausted too often. I feel so much better when I ride earlier in the day. I will find a way to remedy that this week. But for now, off to ride. Low cal day tomorrow.... waffles and truffles or not.


Hopeful said...

Hang in there Lyn, you are doing great!

JanetM97 said...

Good for you for resisting the cake! Good luck tomorrow: you can do it! :)

Natasha Vaughn, Cake Designer said...

You're doing great. Keep it up.

Lynn said...

I think you did great! Remember no matter what, tomorrow is always a fresh new start!

Dinah Soar said...

Try to approach each meal singularly. Rib a small portion..yes it is high in fat, but you can fill up on salad.

The waffles and bacon for dinner?..since you know ahead, adjust breakfast and lunch..don't eat syrup on your waffle unless you have sugar a thin smear of jelly and limit yourself to two slices of a hard boiled egg if you need more protein.

As for the truffles...make up your mind to eat just one or two, and only if your little girl offers them..after one or two, tell her you are too full to eat anymore.. or take them from her and tell her you will eat them later..but don't...and if she notices, tell her you forgot.

It is hard dealing with having tempting foods in the house...I'm wondering if your husband is just trying to push your buttons because he can, and he wants to see you cave...don't give him the satisfaction....he's got the position of power right now, don't give away any more of your power...when you get afraid, just do the next thing. Ask God to deliver you.

I know it's not easy to overcome food temptations..but you can do are stonger than you think. If for no other reason, do it to spite your husband. I know that sounds mean, but he is being mean in his own way--you are his wife and he is not giving you the support, respect or love you deserve.

Sabs said...

You did really well consider the number of temptations that surrounded you.

Mae Flowers said...

I can see how you would be exhausted after having all of those temptations around. In the end, it looks like you succeeded! You're doing great! Keep your head up. Take one step and day at a time.

spunkysuzi said...

See a lot of the time when when stop and calculate we haven't done sooooo bad :) I'm so glad you were able to stop eating!!

jen said...

I know this is probably out of line to say, but it really seems like your husband wants you to stay fat and feeling powerless. No wonder you were angry! Is it really a coincidence that he chose to bring all of your favorite, tempting foods? I am not a longtime reader so I don't fully understand the situation you're in, but it really sounds like you have a lot going on and I wanted to say how much I admire you for trying to take control of the things you can. I am pulling for you!

Lynn Haraldson-Bering said...

That non-fat chick in your head? Lyn, her voice is getting louder and you're listening to her.

I have to agree with what Jen said, too. Did your H bring that stuff in the house to spite you? It sounded very controlling to me, too.

I hope you woke up today feeling less frustrated and renewed to face the waffles tonight. One meal at a time, babe. And remember, food is always worse in our head than it is on paper.

Lyn said...

jen & Lynn~

I still don't know what to think about his intentions, but jen that is pretty observant for not being a long time reader! Yeah, there is a history of this...

Gladly, the scale showed no gain from yesterday's indulgence, so that gives me new focus for today!

Anonymous said...

Funny how that voice in your head argued both sides. First, it was telling you to eat the food, and then after you took a bite of cake, suddenly it was telling you to stop eating the food and gearing up for a tongue lashing.

You did a great job in not giving up and not giving in. That struggle with the inner voices is absolutely the hardest struggle in this journey.

Personally, I found that when I stopped allowing that second-person voice to speak in my head -- when I started switching all my self-talk from "You" to "I" -- I started really making some big changes and becoming more empowered within myself. After all, I am not outside myself looking in. None of us is. :)

Vickie said...

you know - I feel that we are all - right there with you - hope that you feel our support.

♥ Dee ♥ said...

What a JERK!!!

Sorry, but someone had to say it.

*grumble mumble asshole mumble grunt*

135 by 35 said...

Thanks for such an honest post. It sounds like you were in a really tough position.

I'm wondering if you enjoy reading at all? One thing I've found that helps is to always have a stack of addictive books around. So for example, I got totally into the Twilight saga, which really helped me through those tough days when I thought everyone was shoving cookies in my face! Lately, I've been into any book by Rachel Gibson (totally trashy romance novels). And I've just started the Shopaholic series. Just a suggestion to help you through the tough times.

Ria said...

Congratulations, Lyn - in my book, staying under 2,000 calories is pretty darn good for any holiday celebration, and it's amazingly good considering the volume and variety of temptation that you had to deal with.

Kudos to you for keeping up with your exercise - burning off the extra calories is great, but I bet the "you time" every day helps you stay focused on YOUR goals despite the hi-calorie tornado that currently is visiting your home.

Good luck handling the waffles and truffles - I know you can do it!

Carol said...

Just remember, the choices are ultimately yours. You have control over how you feel and what you do with/about it. Don't give your power away to someone else, especially when that someone is not looking out for YOUR best interest!

~TMcGee~ said...

Lyn, I've tried writing a comment about 4 times now and each time I have to copy and delete it. I don't know your husband, so I can't call him names (like I want to), I can't offer up advice on whether he is doing this to sabotage you or not (sure sounds like he is though). I am just sick FOR you though that you keep getting put through the ringer like this. Just for a day, I'd like to be the curly haired bull that charges into the china shop and gives this man a piece of her mind. Just for a day, I'd like to make every dish known to man that is full of ungodly amounts of fat and calories, pile them up in front of him and demand that he eat it all.
Just for a day.....

Much love to you, lady. I'm on YOUR side, always will be.

Amy said...

Rooting for you Lyn!

I learned not to ask guests to provide desert for a shared meal this weekend! So hard to not eat what's right in front of you.

bbubblyb said...

I'm sorry you keep having to go through this again and again. I hope he'll be leaving soon. I think you did great with your food, you are growing by leaps and bounds.

Shirley said...

I think you did a great job! Way to go! You can do this!

Karyn said...

Good for you for putting that fat girl in her place!

Don't ever give up! Don't ever be hard on yourself for being upset when you-know-who is around and being difficult. You've loved him for years - of course it is going to hurt when he's a jerk.

And the truffles? Of course you have to have one if your little girl makes them. Be strong and stop with one.

He'll leave again (sorry) and you will back in control of your household. Till then, be encouraged that you were able to control yourself today!!!

Ooops, I just realized this is all old news.....'tomorrow' is already tonight.

ani pesto said...

Absolutely with you all the way. What an exhausting day, I hope it starts to get easier for you, you're doing amazingly to keep it together under all that pressure.

Deniz said...

Lynn, you inspire us all again! You listened to the angel on your right shoulder, not the devil on your left. Good for you, gal. There are a lot of people rooting for you.

As to those 'temptations' the man is offering, I agree with a few of your commenters, although I don't really know your situation - no-one truly can. It just sounds like he may (even quite unknowingly) be trying to keep you in a powerless state - mired in your old habits.

The bad news for him, if this is the case, is that you are a new woman and so much stronger than even you know.

Keep at it Lynn. You are doing great.

Betsey C. said...

Lyn, from the outside peeking in, I think your husband is definitely trying to keep you fat. "Powerless" is a better term, as one of the commenters above said. He is trying to keep you powerless.

Use that idea to give yourself even more power. Flaunt your healthy eating habits in his face! Manage, with all the strength you have, to have only one truffle, a modest serving of steak, etc. Use your own power!

Your power is there, I've seen evidence of it on your blog time after time -- and it always inspires me. You can do this.

I know I have posted this in a comment a while ago, but remember the old AA expression: "There is nothing so bad that a drink won't make worse". You can certainly substitute "overeating" for "a drink" and it means exactly the same thing.

Hang tough!!!

Anonymous said...

Good for you for not giving up! I constantly have those conversations in my head, even as a weight maintainer!

Anonymous said...

I am so impressed. You handled that so well. You keep getting stronger & stronger. It is so helpful to read how you deal with situations like this.