Wednesday, February 25, 2009

P.S. to Bingeing

If you read my last post, you know about the binge.

Now, a p.s.

By dinnertime, I was hungry, and exhausted. Somehow, I always feel completely mentally wiped out after I have a binge, big or small. It's like the battle in my brain to try and stop myself leaves me weak, lying on my back trying to catch my breath so I can drag myself up off the floor and back into reality. I ended up having 2 mini bagels with salami on them for dinner... it wasn't in craziness, it wasn't an extension of the urgent binge. It was just... what I drug myself to the kitchen and ate. And a couple pieces of dark chocolate. Of course, salami is not low cal so I wound up at 2600 calories. I logged it, and felt extremely disappointed in myself.

In the aftermath of a loss of control, I have often let the shame of it drag me back into more and more eating, sadness, and "I will never get this weight off" thinking. But last night, I did something different. I went into the bathroom and as I was washing up, I looked in the mirror. I said to myself, "You don't look any fatter than you did this morning." Maybe that seems silly to some of you, but after I overeat I *always* feel like a big, fat failure. I feel huge and like I "ruined" everything. But just taking a look... a REAL look... I did not look any fatter having eaten what I ate. I looked the same as I did in the morning, and the day before. And taking this in and accepting it made it possible for me to realise that nothing was ruined, nothing was destroyed, and I was still on the path to better health and weight loss. So I went in my room and lifted weights for a half hour and then went to my bike and biked *really hard* for 35 minutes. I drank some water, and went to bed, back on track. And that's where I am.

I have a lot to do today, so if I update further I'll do it on Twitter (which you can read on the left side on this page anytime you're curious to see how many calories I've eaten or whether I worked out). Back tomorrow :)


♥ Dee ♥ said...

OMG, I'm gobsmacked.

I avoid looking in the mirror after I've binged because I don't want to see my gut all distended.

How powerful, that moment in the mirror with yourself.

Vickie said...

I mean this kindly -
there are many, many days
that if I had the non-foods or calorie dense foods (that you describe) in my house -
I would eat them too.

And I realize that I could get in my car and go buy them - but I don't.

It is the quickness - the being able to see them and grab them and inhale them - that makes me vulnerable.


Hanlie said...

Bravo Lyn! What a mature and winning way to handle your binge! I always learn something from you. Well done for being back on track!

I think we have that mental fug, because we've so overloaded our systems that a lot of energy is diverted from the brain to the digestive system.

Foodie McBody said...

Sounds like you've really turned a corner here, in doing things differently. Any small thing that we can do that isn't the same destructive path is a good thing. Writing in the middle of your binge yesterday was brilliant. (I had a moment like this a few weeks ago and I was able to actually write to stave off the binge, and I found that like you, THE FEELINGS PASSED). Brava!!

bbubblyb said...

Someone posted a Joseph Campbell quote the other day and it stuck with me "It is by going down into the abyss that we recover the treasures of life". I think every step back we take helps us take the next step forward. Hang in there. Sounds like this was about your feelings concerning your husband. I hope you're feeling better today.

new*me said...

your accountability just amazes me!

You are growing so much from these experiences!

antgirl said...

I keep cut up ready to go veggies in my fridge for that reason. I always have baby carrots, sugar snap peas and usually cleaned and prepped radishes & peeled & cut up cucumbers. I can grab a guilt free handful anytime. :)

Good for you for being brave. I think learning to really face ourselves is the hardest thing in all this.

Anonymous said...

My two cents, and please don't be offended: Get rid of the sugar and the husband and you'll be 125 before you know it. Not sure if you see the pattern, but many of us do; it all starts with him there and eating sugar.

You are still doing good, hang in there.


Anonymous said...

Wow. That was just--amazing. I just read both of your posts and I'm really awed by how well you expressed the feelings you go through when you binge. You are so on the way to busting this thing! So proud of you.

Karen in Tennessee said...

The same planets were ruling us both yesterday...I had a similar crazed eating episode and found myself eating things I don't even like. Then when I was already stuffed I had a banana at bedtime and felt sick for hours, into the middle of the night. Was it worth it? Oh heck no. And will it keep me from making it to my new decade March 1? Maybe. For me its really a mental illness, a food addiction, and some kind of insanity that I give into over and over which then sends me into a deeper depression. But, today is a new and better day...and that's really all we can do: pick ourselves up and do better! Thank you for being so honest with us, and for allowing us a place to be honest as well. You are really amazing.

Super Squared said...

I agree, very powerful imagery. I think anyone who has had to struggle with a weight problem knows what its like to come out of that binge fog and realize what you just did to yourself. The danger of course being that binges and the feelings afterward often lead to a much longer binge that can seriously derail someone's weight loss. It's important to keep things in perspective which you id marvelously:)

Karyn said...

It is true....your indiscresions ONE day do not make a noticable difference in your appearance...we should all be so wise as to do what you did. A little reality check is a good thing.

You are conquering your 'mind issues', Lyn....keep it up!

Ria said...

You go girl - you are definitely still on the path to better health and weight loss! 2,600 calories is no disaster - with your exercise you probably burned at least that many calories that day - and it may do our bodies some good to have a higher-calorie day once in a while.

Nat said...

Wow! Great couple of posts. What a good example you are..... I've done the same thing, but it's so hard for me to come back and forgive myself instead of giving up. "Nothing broken-nothing destroyed" good lines. I'll remember them!

Crystal said...

You have captured something I have felt for a long time. An out of control need to eat. You are such an inspiration to me.