Tuesday, February 10, 2009

It's Getting Easier (or is it?)

Morning Update:
Another good day today, and sooo exhausted!

My food:

Breakfast: Chai tea with 2% milk and agave. Egg Beaters scrambled with salsa, rolled in a Carb Balance tortilla with one turkey sausage and a slice of light cheese. One Clementine, half a banana, and a cup of lemon green tea.

Snack: string cheese, half a banana with 1/2 T peanut butter

Lunch: half a grilled cheese sandwich (1 slice whole wheat bread, a 2% American Single Cheese, grilled in 1 tsp butter), 1 cup of tomato-basil soup, and 1 grilled organic chicken/feta/spinach sausage.

Activity: I went out to run errands this morning and had some "lifestyle activity." I parked far from the store front, walked there and back plus a TON of walking in the store at a faster-than-usual pace. My step counter said 3875 steps when I got done, and registered 15 minutes of moderate activity. When I got home I was exhausted, and famished. But I had a great, satisfying lunch, took some anti-inflammatories and sat down on the couch to rest the knees (ouchie).

Cold, cloudy, icky outside... no sun today :(

Afternoon update (written later):
I started getting hungry around 2. I made myself a *small* bowl of rolled oatmeal with a bit of brown sugar, walnuts, a few dark choc chips and a splash of 2% milk. Up through the oatmeal, I was still within my calorie goal. It really hit the spot, but I am sensing now that perhaps that snack was a mistake...

Twenty minutes later I was getting the "binge" signals from my brain. I guess that's what it is... I don't know how to describe it. If you have a binge eating disorder maybe you know what I mean: it's an overwhelming... not a feeling but a drive... to EAT. I felt my energy drop and bottom out. I felt like eating ten boxes of cookies. I started pacing around, looking in the fridge, looking in the cabinets. I stopped myself, I went and did other things. But it was still there, this "binge" sensation. I was considering asking my son to watch my daughter so I could run to the store and BUY A PIE (!!!) but I stopped myself from THAT. I got a half serving of goldfish crackers (measured out) and savored them slowly, hoping that would help, but it didn't. Within 2 hours I ate: 4 pieces of dark chocolate, 6 oz of vegetable/wheatgrass/fruit smoothie, 3/4 of a mini personal pizza, 7 baked french fries with an ounce of cheese on them, dipped in light Ranch; 1/3 c. low fat mashed potatoes with a teaspoon of butter on them and a sprinkle of grated cheese; and a bowl of instant chocolate pudding made with low fat milk, with walnuts and dark chocolate chips sprinkled in.

The whole time I was inhaling the food, it was like an out-of-body experience. My mind was saying "you do NOT need this, you DON'T want to do this, you can stop" but it was SUCH A DRIVE. I don't know how else to explain it. But then when I was about halfway through the pudding, I suddenly felt normal again, and when I was done with the pudding, I felt completely satisfied, and done. And didn't want another thing.

I dunno. It's nuts. I know some of you think I over-analyze or whatever, but I am telling you that I couldn't rip myself away from the kitchen during those moments. I was clawing through the cabinets... LITERALLY... up on a stool, reaching way in the back, looking for ANYTHING like chips, cookies, anything. Fortunately I have none of my "standard binge foods" in the house. But *that* was not a matter of being weak, or giving in... it was something more than that. I am all about "just doing it" but in that moment it was no more an option for me to "just stop eating" than it is for an anorexic to "just eat." I am definitely going to have to do a few things differently. 1) Keep trying to find a counselor. 2) Don't eat carbs in the afternoon. 3) Chocolate chips are gonna have to go on the "ban" list for awhile. I'd been buying the extra dark organic ones from the bulk bin, just buying about 1/4 cup at a time so I can use them in oatmeal once in awhile or with walnuts as a snack. Maybe some other time, when I have a grip.

Anyway, it sucks to report this, but I am not here to thrill the masses. I am here to be accountable and fight whatever battles I need to to lose weight.

Calories for the day: 2764
Drank 9 glasses of water.
Going to lift weights for 20 minutes and then bike for 30 if my knees can handle it. And then soak in the tub.

And for those who asked... yes, I'm stressed, husband coming home tomorrow, daughter not feeling well, and the hospital screwed up her appointments and I have to call and deal with that tomorrow. But that's life, food won't fix it. I am really hoping that at least my husband being here will give me more time to focus on exercise.

Better day tomorrow.

37 comments:

Jessica @ Pudget: Losing Weight On A Budget said...

It really sounds like you had a rough day. I know the feeling of searching the cupboards just to find something to binge on and for some reason nothing satisfies it until you have eaten some of everything in the house :) Maybe not quite that bad. I really hope you have a better day tomorrow.

Vickie said...

hope that things get better.

word of caution:
he is male
he is not used to living in the flow of your house
don't count on him being intuitive or cooperative
you are probably better off making your plans so that you are not dependent on him for anything (so you are not disappointed)

I really hope that his visit doesn't disrupt your life and feelings - I hope you can find some level of 'centeredness' and peace of mind (you can tell I am a yoga person. . .)

(we are all) wishing you the best each day as we check in here - and appreciate that you are communicating so well in your writing/blogging.

Do you find that when you write to us - you hear/listen to yourself in a way that you never did before blogland?

SunnySusan said...

Just started reading your blog and I can so relate to the feeling ... the overwhelming feeling that need to eat anything that is not nailed down and when you are done ... you are done.
You are so very real..I will continue reading and hoping for a better day tomorrow

VNR said...

Unfortunately, I know the "binge" signals well. :-(

Mel said...

I'm familiar with that kind of binge.. usually its having too much sugar that sets me off to have.. well.. more sugar!

Good luck with everything..stay strong.. you can get through it!

foodfoodbodybody said...

Even though it was a binge, it does seem like a very controlled binge. 7 french fries exactly instead of two ORDERS of fries? 1/3 cup low fat mashed potatoes? I know, I know... but I do think the restraint you showed is pretty impressive. It could have been much worse, don't you think?

This might be some weird trivia or not even true thing, but a friend of mine who is in OA (and went from 350 lbs to 160) said that oatmeal is a very common binge-inducer. I thought of that when I read this blog.

Lyn said...

vickie~

yes, when I write, I discover things I never understood before.

In the past, the thought process after a binge would be:

I suck. I will never lose weight. There is something wrong with me. I give up. I am eating at McD's tomorrow.

Now, it is more... what can I learn from this? What would I say to a friend or blog reader if they did this? How can I do better? What is going on with me?

Andra said...

Something is triggering those binge signals, they don't happen on their own. In this case it's probably your anxiety over your husband's impending arrival. You won't be able to control what he's going to do (like fill the house with candies and junk) so the binging gives you the illusion of control. I know this because I have "Daddy" issues and I know how he's sent me rampaging through the cupboards, fridge and pantry like a starved bear at the end of winter.

Once you are rid of him for good, you'll be able to concentrate of getting on with your life and hopefully your binge impulses will let up. Until then, be kind to yourself and don't let him get the better of you.

Ria said...

Sorry you had a rough day - as others have said, it certainly could have been worse, and tomorrow will be better. You're a testimonial for the power of keeping the really bad stuff out of the house!

Kudos to you for getting some exercise in after all that. Good luck with the hospital and your husband tomorrow - hope your daughter is feeling better soon.

ani pesto said...

I know that feeling of an all consuming binge desire only too well. Just as you described, even when my right mind was telling me I know what's going on and it's not going to help, I still did it. I remember saying in my blog that it was like I was just too scared to give up my crutch because I didn't trust that I already knew how to walk without it.

Well done for posting all this, it's a really big deal to be this visible and accountable. I always put so much effort into hiding my binge eating so I can imagine it must be hard.

You may have some more hard days ahead but the way you're going I don't doubt that each one will get a little easier and easier until you've got it all back under control again and that binge-thinking is back to being a memory.

elife said...

Oh how I hate the "MUST EAT NOW" signal. I'm sorry you're under such stress.

Lindsay said...

Lynn, I hope this helps you. I relate to a lot of what you write, and am inspired by your efforts. Keep going, girl.

15lbs_down_girl said...

Hey Lyn,

I understand about it being a drive, your body and mind telling you to stop binging, but some part of you not being able to stop. But even in this, YOU ARE GETTING BETTER b/c though its 2k calories, it's much better than before, right? Lyn, I will pray for you, that you won't be anxious for anything, not for your husband or for the obstacles you face concerning your daughter (I don't mean not to care for her). Anyways, you're right, food won't fix it, and it looks like you are learning that. Peace be with you. May your heart be calm in whatever situation you may be.

Tamzin said...

yep! been there many times, expect I'll be there again for long time to come.

I've been trying to keep waterwith me and force myself to drink a liter before I eat anything else... sometimes it works...sometimes it doesnt.

Keep working and thank you for blogging! :)

Andrew is getting fit said...

It's funny but whenever I want to binge it's mid afternoon as well. Hmm...

Once Upon A Dieter said...

Only a binge-eater knows what you mean. Except maybe some other sort of "addict"--who must have that fix. The difference is with us it's about quantity, not just an X object (like cocaine, heroine, meth, etc, where the need is for the one thing).No, what we need is quantities of foods of all sorts. And it is like this thing inside that possesses you. And the whole time you feel like crap but you shovel it in. Yeah, I know. I do surely know.

I was very, very close to one today, and ended up eating more calories than I wanted, but not al all-out binge. Just a not-happy dinner.

I don't believe it does get easier. I do believe that some find how to short-circuit or at least make very infrequent the binges. Hey, if they only happen twice a year, we can still lose weight and keep it off. If it happens many days a month, or once a week, well...

We just gotta keep trying.
Hugs, babe

The P

Rachel said...

I don't think you are over-analytical. I think you are doing exactly what you need to do - building self-awareness and working toward a solution! But some have said I am over-analytical, too, so... :)

I hope you can read these comments before you begin your day tomorrow and gather some strength. A setback on your path certainly doesn't throw you OFF the path! Keep going - YOU CAN DO IT!

Sara said...

I absolutely hate the complete loss of control a binge induces... like you I now seem to be able to limit the binges somewhat... one biscuit, a handful of potato chips, a bowl of cereal, whereas before I'd have eaten the full packet of all 3, plus a huge lump of cheese and a tub of ice-cream...

I'm on WW now and I find that the more veg I eat at lunchtime, the less binge cravings I have. I really think what triggers a binge for me is being hungry and trying to satisfy the hunger with a quick carb-based snack. So now, when I'm really hungry in the middle of the afternoon, I cook myself a full meal: an omelette with tons of vegetables or home-made soup and a can of baked beans. It's A LOT of food, but with nowhere near the cal/fat/points content a binge would end up having.

I hope you find a way to curb the binges. I know how awful it is to be a slave to them :(

Good luck Lynn...

moonduster said...

You know, despite the health benefits to oatmeal, I am having to avoid it as I have found that it is a trigger food for me.

Maybe it is for you too?

moonduster said...

I just read the other comments and realized that someone else made the oatmeal-binge connection too.

The Better Idiot said...

I know exactly the 'binge drive' you mean! Unfortunately I live a minute away from a 24 hour supermarket, which has been my downfall many a time during the late night cravings. I found myself falling into it today when I was racking my kitchen for anything sweet. My only option would have been to makes cake batter and I don;t know how I stopped myself but somehow I did. It's a battle isn't it?

chubrubb said...

Yes! I wholly recommend going to a counselor! I finally decided to do it this year and I hope it will help me. Noone can just "snap out" of binge eating, it takes time and help.
I hope your husband's visit doens't take to much of a toll on you. *hugs*

Meg said...

Lyn-
You are, as they say, fighting the good fight. You are a warrior. You are beautiful.
Hugs to you.

Jeanne said...

I totally, totally, TOTALLY understand exactly what you are saying!!! It's like aliens take over my body and I am not in control at all....it's like I am not even THERE....I am watching it all happen from another place! I have repeated over and over in my head "I do not need to do this...I will not do this..." and I am repeating this WHILE I am eating!! It's CRAZY and I wish I could get to the bottom of it too because I TOTALLY believe that alot of our eating problems are in our head....not in our stomachs!

((hugs))
Jeanne

twinsunplus1 said...

The Binge. Thank you for putting in words what I experienced yesterday. The call of the cupcake frosting was incredible and the only upside is that I didn't eat the whole thing.

Hang in there. I hope today (or is it tomorrow now?) will be better. You are not alone.

Karen said...

Ugh -- I know that feeling of HAVING to binge pretty well. It really sucks and it's weird how many times, eating something to curb sincere hunger can lead to this overwhelming desire to eat and eat.

I haven't had a true binge in a while; my main way of avoiding it being that I have not snacked on things like oatmeal, which is basically all carbs. Instead, I've been snacking on string cheese and these vegetarian breakfast patty things (Morningstar Farms brand), which is protein. Usually, not introducing sugar into my bloodstream via things like oatmeal , cereal and granola bars, etc. will keep me from feeling the need to eat everything in the house.

Good luck -- the binging monster is an exceptionally hard one to slay, but we all believe in you!

Barefoot Pixie said...

I absolutely know exactly what you are talking about with a binge-drive. I go through the same thing. I'm using a twelve step program and it's really been amazingly helpful. It may sound dumb but when I get that panicky feeling I pray for help. It always helps. Sometimes it's hard to make myself do it because there is a big part of me lurking down inside that WANTS to give in but if I can fight the battle enough to pray then I usually conquer.

Good luck with all the craziness!

bbubblyb said...

I'm sure it does have to do with your husband coming home. I feel for you that you have to keep having him come in and disrupt your life. I can only imagine how tough it is on you.

As for yesterday, we've all had those days. Just forgive yourself and do the best you can today. Hang in there and I hope the husband will help out. Maybe just up and go out for a while and do something for you.

PaulaMP said...

It doesn't take Sherlock Holmes to deduce this all started when you said your husband was coming home ...

I think once you get past him and "that" you will be home free. Best of luck, we are all rooting for you. You're still doing way better than I have been if that cheers you up at all

antgirl said...

I can relate. I get that impulse almost every evening after dinner. It is a monster to wrestle with.

I made a plan of foods to eat and in an order. I plan the calorie intake in. I usually can stick to the plan.

Spreading my calories out during the day and eating at regular intervals helped a lot. Paying attention to what I skimped on nutritionally also seems to help.

If it's really bad, I go do something else. I noted the impulse most associated with TV watching at night. So, I'll get up and go do something else.

alexis said...

It is awful, isn't it, that feeling that your body has been possessed by some outside force and it making your hand reach for the peanut butter, even as your brain is screaming "NO!"?

Yeah, I guess it's pretty obvious I'm a compulsive eater, too.

I'm trying to do what Barefoot Pixie describes and pray for guidance when the compulsion hits, but prayer doesn't come naturally to me. And sometimes stalking the kitchen is a self-fulfilling prophesy. The only thing I can do is be honest about my behavior and forgive myself when I do binge.

new*me said...

Today is a new day ;)! Hopefully the sun is shining on you today!

evy said...

Some foods also trigger binges.
For years and years I was safe with Oatmeal...well not anymore.

It triggers me something aweful now.

Well done on staying aware through it all.
I know hard it can be.

Susan said...

I know you said you don't want advice ... but I have gone from binging 3-4/week to rarely. And the times when I do binge, I can look and see that I was very carb-heavy. Consider maybe possibly eating more lean meat. Up to that binge, you had only had two sausages. Making this simple change has meant a lot to me.

Kristen said...

Unfortunately, I've been in a "binge" phase for a little while now. It was very evident a few nights ago when I looked at the couch I was sitting on. Late night...at least 4 different types of snacks I'd indulged in...on top of a full day of eating/snacking. I wish I could say this was just one day.

Wow. I just read the above comment about oatmeal being a binge-inducer. I rarely eat oatmeal, but I have been eating it here and there for the past few weeks. Very interesting...

Pubsgal said...

Oh, I know what you mean. Like you, my binges aren't as bad as they used to be and might not even look like binging to the casual observer...but it's the *feeling* inside that makes me know it's a binge.

I wish you all good things, but especially peace and composure during the upcoming weeks. Hang in there, Lyn!

clickmom said...

I hear you on the binge thing. I do the same thing. I know one thing though, sugar sets me off big time. I can't even eat something like dried fruit some days, it's too concentrated. Tomorrow you will pick yourself up and dust yourself off. Good luck with the husband, and I agree not too expect too much, but definitely set some ground rules right away. You deserve to be treated with respect.