Tuesday, February 24, 2009

In the Middle of Binge Crazed Insanity

This should be educational.... I am in the absolute middle of the crazy, binge insanity. I lost my head about 2 hours ago, and started eating... and not 5 minutes ago I was pacing the kitchen, digging for ANYTHING chocolate, not finding anything and then desperately trying to stop myself from making 4 pieces of buttered toast. I *did* stop myself, but feeling on the brink and still in the dead center of Binge City, I came here to post instead. I thought maybe it would stop me. And it has at the moment, but even if this doesn't work, I have never sat down and typed in the middle of the binge mindset. So here is how I feel.

I feel out of control, like all that matters is getting some food into my mouth. I feel frantic, almost desperate. My brain is shorting out or something, with crazy food thoughts flowing through like a swollen, flooding river:

"I could go to McDonald's and get a Big Mac meal for a snack. No one would know"
"I know there is a cheap brownie mix in the basement somewhere. I could make chocolate chip cookie dough, and cheesecake batter, and mix those into the brownie batter and bake it...."
"I will steal my husband's candy, which he left in a bag on my laptop this morning and now is sitting 3 feet from my face, and I will leave just enough that he might thing *HE* ate more than he imagined...."
"I will bake potatoes and melt cheese on them and crumble bacon on them... no wait, I will make them into french fries first, and THEN put cheese and bacon on them..."
"I have to eat, I have to eat"
"I could eat a bunch of fruit until I am too stuffed to eat anything else... it's better than junk"
"I could order a pizza and eat it all myself"
"I could make a bagel with cream cheese and salami. I don't like salami on bagels but I don't care"
"I really am flipping out"
"I could deep fry a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with chocolate chips in it, or a banana in it, or both, and maybe some bacon in it..."

Yeah. Nuts.

Okay, so I had a great morning... healthy breakfast tortilla/eggs/vegs and tea and a Clementine. Ran errands. Felt great. Had chicken soup and wasa fiber crisp with Laughing Cow light cheese for lunch. Went to the park with my child and ran around and played in the sunshine, but it was awfully cold. Came home and went out for a walk for about 20 minutes. Still felt great. Drank lots of water. Made Cheerio bars with my daughter (mistake #1) and had one (which fit into my calories just fine but obviously was a sugar trigger). I was fine even after that, didn't want anymore bars, felt great. Then my husband, who is leaving tomorrow for a couple weeks, said/did something that seemed pretty irrational to me, and then he left. I got this horrible, crazy, out of control feeling come over me, started pacing and thinking of food, and remembered the chocolate truffles he had made a couple of times while he's been here. They've been in the fridge, in my face every time I opened the door, but I hadn't given in. Suddenly, I had to eat them. All. I went dashing to the fridge and... they were GONE!! Unbelievable. I think he ate them! I was so mad it was almost funny! (I am relieved they were gone, now, but still). Suddenly I had to have that prime rib stroganoff. I could have it for dinner and be ok on the calories, still, with one serving. 4 PM is early for dinner, but I was desperate. I made a small bowl, less than a cup of stroganoff and ate it. Then I decided to eat some fruit to fill me up... some fresh pineapple and a bit of plain yogurt. Then I made another bowl of stroganoff and ate it. Then I ate 2 more Cheerio bars. Then I started freaking out, didn't want to screw up my day, and got ahold of myself long enough to actually sit down and LOG my intake on Sparkpeople and see that I had eaten 1732 calories total for the day. Okay. I breathed. If I stop now, I am still ok on the calories. That's when I went back into the kitchen, searching for stuff to fry or dunk in melted peanut butter or ranch, opening cabinet after cabinet and staring into the freezer and considering deep frying a personal pizza, and in the midst of the craziness I heard myself, in the back of my mind, like a faraway voice on the wind: "Lynnnnn............Lyyyyyynnnnnnnnnn....." ever so faint like a whisper. And I listened and I stopped and sat down here to write, even though I still felt like eating until I exploded, and somewhere along the lines as I was typing this, I think my sanity came back.

I feel okay now. Better. Weird. The urgency to eat has passed... the crazy lady has gone off to whatever far corner of my mind she lives in, and I think I am going to be okay now. Maybe. Thanks for being there.

36 comments:

Jen, a priorfatgirl said...

sometimes, it is just getting past the moment. Isn't it true, it's more of a mental struggle then physical?!! Great post, glad you found something healthy to do instead of the options you listed above!

driverslicenseweight said...

Your blog is so real! I love it...

You're right inside my head! It's like one minute I could teach a weight loss class and then the next I am one fry short of bingeing on a happy meal. Thanks for that constant reminder that it is a struggle and it is one meal at a time.

Heather said...

Im glad that it all passed. It usually does and sometimes its hard to hang in there. and trust me, I still get those voices and feelings and it sucks they never go away, but each time you do get stronger. you did the best you could, and you blogged about it, and its real. it happens to all of us. tomorrows a new day and this will just be a part of the past.

Lin said...

Lin,
Good for you for stopping that binge. If you're still there and afraid of what may happen next, can you go fill up the bathtub and take a radio or book and soak for awhile? It will make grabbing some food a little more inconvenient. Kind of like a speed bump, coz you'll be all wet and maybe relaxed. Good luck.

Sarah said...

:c( I'm not sure it's the sugar that's the trigger. Your "husband" seems to be in a lot of posts about bingeing.

Good for you though not losing your whole day to whatever it was he said/did.

erin said...

I'm so glad I'm not the only one who has days like this. It was such a good idea to come and blog as a way of fighting those thoughts. I will definitely have to remember that.

I'm on SparkPeople too; it's amazing. Feel free to look me up (my SP name is Erin1022).

~TMcGee~ said...

Welcome back Lyn, I have a crazy lady living in my head too and she gets super hungry....

globalmom said...

I'm glad you got through it. I read often, but don't comment much. I so totally know what that binge feeling is, and I had to laugh when you said you dream of food. I'm starting to think it must be kind of like alcoholism--apparently, an alcoholic will drink alcohol if it's in the house, but I never am tempted by all the liquor in our cabinets. Chocolate, on the other hand, calls me until it's all gone. Anyhow, you're in my thoughts!

MackAttack said...

It's like you were transcribing what goes through my head during a binge.

I'm so glad I'm not the only one that faces this, but I'm sorry you do (does that make sense?)

It's so hard to break the binge...Good job stopping! And that's so inspiring that you tracked it all. And not hide from it. I too blog to keep my hands and mind busy and away from food! It helps.

Jeni said...

Wow I know what a tough mental battle that can be. Looks like you overcame it though! I'm rooting for you!

Jessica @ Pudget: Losing Weight On A Budget said...

Great job getting past that binge. It is so hard to change your mind set in the middle. I did the same thing as you tonight. I started binging and then decided that it needed to stop so I wrote a post on my blog. I got some great advice and it really helped me get past the binge.

Vudu Princess said...

I'm glad you were able to get through the binge crazy talk. It's also nice to know that I'm not the only one this happens to. I get mad when the snacks I don't even want (or really like) have been eaten, and I think about how long would it take to get to mcdonald's and back before anyone was home, etc... etc... And I'm also glad to say that I've thought of your blog before when I'm thinking those thoughts. Of course, sometimes the crazy talk just wins, but it's small victories like these that are good to build on and make next time easier. I hope tomorrow is easier for you.

Sherre said...

I'm so glad you posted in the midst of your binge. Thank you. I recognized myself -- especially the thought of frying a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I haven't had a fried PB&J, but I have had some bizarre items when nothing would satisfy! Again -- thank you.

Ginger and Brent said...

I have to agree with Sarah - you were fine until your husband said/did whatever it was that he did. At that point you lost it. The sugar probably didn't help, but it really does look like that man is the trigger for the majority of your tough times.
Good for you for catching yourself!

Sugar Bush Primitives said...

I have to agree with Sarah. No one can push my binge buttons like my husband. You have put to paper what we all feel when we are trapped in binge mentality.

Hugs,
Mary

Tena said...

Lyn, there's a lot of me in this post. I know that feeling of wanting to consume everything in my path. Even things that I would normally not eat. Just eat for the sake of eating. I never have an explanation for it either.

Blogging was the perfect diversion. I'm going to try that the next time the little voice in my head calls to me.

kristisummer said...

good job. keep up the good eating, like today!

♥ Dee ♥ said...

OMG, honey... my heart just melts for you. Good on ya for coming here and letting your fingers tap out your insanity.

Those are usually my best posts, when I just let my fingers go where my mind takes them.

Bravo, Lynn. You beat it today.

Carol said...

Glad you "stopped the madness". Did I understand correctly that hubby left HIS candy on YOUR lap top?

antgirl said...

I had to get a handle on my evening nosh monster today. Must be the day for it. :)

Glad you conquered. You go!

Lyn said...

Carol~

yeah, first thing I saw this morning was a bag of candy on my laptop. I handed it back to him but he left it on the table.

I know he triggers me, emotionally, and I used to really blame him for the binge problems. But I binged before I met him, and I am the one doing the eating. True, leaving candy on my laptop is not helping. But I gotta own this, and if I am allowing his actions/words to spin me off to binge, that is something only I can fix. I hope...

Tamzin said...

yep. I know that feeling. I'm glad you found a way to work through it. :)

elife said...

Wow...I'm really impressed that you got yourself out of the binge and to express your feelings in a blog. Huge, huge step.

I do not know how you do it with all that candy in the house, amazing.

PiaG said...

Wow! Congratulations on surviving that spin.

An emotional reaction to your husbands comments? Feeling out of control... then pulling yourself back by getting it all out on your blog. Massive!! Well Done!

But you gotta get rid of all that temptation!!

Skinny Inside said...

This dialogue is exactly what goes through my head when I want to binge. I think you did great to come and write about it. I've been trying to "feel" what's going on with me, as opposed to stuffing it down with all that food. I'm still not sure what I'm feeling...but I'll get there, eventually:-)

I agree with others, don't let the temptations into your house! Your daughter doesn't need the cheerio bars anyhow. Right? I would definitely not be making any special treats for the children until you/we are fully in control. Sometimes I feel guilty that my child is deprived of special treats in the form of food, but I just have to remind myself that I don't want to love him with food in the first place, and no one needs sugary snacks in the first place. Also, it's in our children's best interest to have healthy well-adjusted parents, so getting well (taming the binge beast) is important so we can spend our time in the moment with the people that are important, not in the moment with a cake/pizza/pie/etc.

Sorry for blabbing on...{{{hugs}}}

Ria said...

Good for you for hearing your own voice calling to you, and for letting that voice stop the insanity!

Tina said...

Distracting yourself was a great idea. It just goes to show how much you've learned even though you felt out of control. You are doing a great job and you have an amazing support system here!

Lucrecia said...

I wonder what makes us react like that to stress? I really appreciate your honesty in putting this out there!!

farmwife said...

Good for you for stopping!!!

I agree with the others who said that you simply can NOT have this stuff in your house! If you were an alcoholic, you wouldn't have bottles of Jack sitting on the table! I wouldn't get tempted when your hubby left candy sitting around -- I'd get mad and throw it out! Pour Pine Sol all over it in the trash so that you aren't tempted. Simply tell him that if you have to pick it up, it's going in the garbage. He can keep his junk in his car.

Another thing is that I saw PastaQueen lists agave necter as one of her triggers. (and a google search showed a lot of other folks do too) I wonder if you seriously cut out ALL the sweetner in your diet if you wouldn't detox off the cravings?

Hanlie said...

We're always here! With the time differences, I bet you can have someone on call (on Twitter maybe) 24 hours per day!

Emily said...

Lyn, What a good idea to try to distract yourself by blogging. During a binge its so difficult to get perspective. Thank you so much for sharing this experience of what you were feeling at the moment.

Emily
http://aweightlifted.blogs.com

BumbleBeeRunning said...

Your train of thought about thinking of what to eat was hysterical- it's like you stole it right out of my head! Good for you for resisting!

Karyn said...

I'm so glad you managed to listen to your sane self and silence the destructive voice.

A suggestion...maybe someone has already said this....the trigger for this feeling was not the cheerio bar, but the feeling of having no control because of whatever your husband said/did. His behavior puts you in a position of being almost at his mercy so you look for a way to A) punish yourself for being in that place B) control something in your life - even if it is out of control eating

It seems to me that often these urges you fight with come at the same time as conflict with the Mr.

If this is true, maybe just recognising it will help to ward it off.

Your healthy Lyn is certainly winning the battle, though! You stopped yourself, you did something to help yourself.
Good for you!

And remember....no matter what happened after this, you had a victory!

Super Squared said...

omg, this is too funny! This is truly the insanity of a binge. I've said it is exactly like a drug addict needing a fix and once you give into it, those few minutes it takes you to devour whatever you decided to eat, is pure bliss. It relaxes you and I seriously go into a trance-like state....until whatever I'm eating is almost gone. Then the guilt sets in and thats now fun.

One thing that I thought was hilarious was the grilled pb and jelly sandwich I have NEVER had a fried PB sandwich but the other day...the first day of my diet I had a moment where I felt that insanity coming on and the first thing I thought of was a fried PB and banana sandwich. Must be something in the air ;)

Lynna said...

You wrote: True, leaving candy on my laptop is not helping.

Yeh, like leaving a syringe full of heroin on an addict's laptop is not helping. Why does he feel such a compulsion to derail your healthy path?

Sassle said...

I can relate, it also reminds me of when I made attempts years ago to stop drinking on my own, how my mind would race and next thing I knew I was drunk again.

Food and alcohol addiction go hand in hand with me, for me both are mind diseases more then anything.

I'm grateful that you shared your experience and the post that follows too. Thanks for being honest!