Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Update

I am a little out of it, but wanted to post a brief update. Words cannot express how thankful I am to have the support and love of this community. When I started writing a blog, I thought it was just an online diary. I had no idea people would come and read and get to know me, and that I could get to know them, too, through their blogs and comments. But look at this amazing thing. I don't think I would have made it through today without a)flipping out; b) eating thousands and thousands of calories and c) crying in my Cheeto bag for a week straight if I hadn't had these comments to read. I really can't explain how much you all mean to me. So for now let me just say thank you. And I hope in some small way I can be a friend right back to each of you.

Today was routine; it's surreal. It seems like something should be drastically different. But he's still here, doing what he always has done, and I am here too, doing laundry, washing dishes, making dinner. The kids don't know, and everything just seems the same. Except that I feel more calm, and when I look at him I no longer have a terrible longing to be loved... or an ache of loneliness. I don't look at him and see The Man Who Should Be My Soulmate, or My Distant Partner, or My Husband Who Doesn't Seem To Love Me. I just see the man he is, and I can deal with him without having an emotional breakdown. I can just treat him as any other person, with very few expectations and I can be friendly and kind, but NOT ATTACHED. I don't know how else to explain the feeling. It's like before, I was handcuffed to him (or maybe stuck in a straitjacket with him) and I was being led and dragged and pulled in whatever way he decided to go... and now suddenly someone set me free. Don't get me wrong. I am NOT HAPPY to be going down this path. Given my choice, I would still want to stay married and work it out. But it's not my choice, and I'm not going to fight it anymore. I just gotta learn to walk on my own again.

Today I washed those sheets. I cleaned the living room, and I rode my bike for 30 minutes. My menu looked like this:

Breakfast: pumpkin oats with flax, walnuts, banana, and maple syrup. Chai tea latte.

Snack: tea with milk and sugar

Lunch 1: Egg Beaters, baby spinach, turkey breakfast sausage, and Laughing Cow light Swiss cheese in a Carb Balance tortilla, with a cup of green tea.

Lunch 2: bowl of vegetable chili with a bit of light sour cream, a low fat cornbread muffin and a teaspoon of butter.

Snacks: 1 clementine, gingersnap tea with milk and agave nectar, 5 Ritz with light cheese, 1 Wasa cracker with light cheese.

Dinner: chicken breast with light gravy, broccolini, and a sugar free chocolate pudding cup.

Total: 1684 calories. I feel so hungry I could eat an entire steak dinner from Outback. Less carbs tomorrow.

I took a long soak in a hot bath, and I am going to bed early in my nice, clean sheets.

That's it for now. I apologise if some of this post makes no sense... I think I will get my head back on straight within a couple of days.

Bless you all.

27 comments:

Bethany said...

Lyn,
You are amazing. I am so incredibly sorry and sad for what you are going through, but you are so much stronger than you know. Look at how optimistically you are approaching this! You will have your struggles and I know it will be a difficult time, but you will make it. You are inspiring and you are worth so much more than what life has handed you so far. Hang in there and I know you will succeed. *Hugs*
~Bethany

Benjamin said...

Lyn, thank you for opening up to us and taking us down the road with you. Through the ups and downs, we have all traveled that road with you.

Hang in there and keep you head held high. Your online/blog friends are here with you.

Take One Stripper Pole said...

One day at a time! :) Still sending you hugs!

Hanlie said...

You are making perfect sense!

I was struck by your choice of words "... when I look at him I no longer have a terrible longing to be loved...". That is so significant and I think in large part it has to do with the fact that you are giving yourself more love by caring for your body and spirit. That is a huge achievement.

Well done also for keeping things civil, not only for the kids' sake, but also for your dignity and peace of mind.

You will get through this! You are an amazing, courageous women and you inspire me every day. I salute you and hope that our support will help you through the coming months.

Karyn said...

I wish I could come over and put my arms around you, talk over a cuppa, and just 'be there' for you....I'll have to be satisfied with being here - in cyberspace - instead.

You are going to be more than OK....I know it!

You are an example of committment, courage, and love - in all areas you have shared with us. Thank you for giving us the privelege of 'virtually' walking through this with you.

You are loved, Lyn.

Anonymous said...

You said you thought when you started this blog that it was a blog about weight. And it has been that, and you have inspired so many of us. But our weight is attached to what is going on in our lives -- and in showing us the context of what is going on in your life, you've inspired me even more in a whole other area. You don't have to be superwoman -- in fact, it's just the opposite that is so inspiring. You are just a human being putting one foot in front of the other with resolve, until those steps have led you to a better place.

Muttonfish

Maggy said...

You are incredible! It takes people months and years to let go and they waste a lot of time and energy in the process. You have actually started your new life. I am so impressed with you!

ryry the adventurous said...

Pfft! No apology! It doesn't need to make sense! You will do what you need to do and write what you need to write and we will soak up every word of it like we always do. :) Keep on keepin' on. Today is going to be even better.

Sheri said...

WTG! May you keep going on the inside as you just expressed here. Once a man makes up his mind there is no changing it. I encourage you to keep going and keep remembering not to let him suck your joy from you. He doesn't deserve your joy, you do, and so do your kids.

spunkysuzi said...

Your journey is just beginning :)And i can't wait to be part of your journey !!

Amy Jo said...

You are such an inspiration right now to me. You are handling this terrible situation with grace, and with a clear head. Stay optimistic, and keep showing yourself how important you are; through the way you treat your body, and the respect you feel. You are a strong woman, a great mother, and someone who is worth focusing on!

Squishy ! said...

*hugs* I pray that each day gets easier for you. Good job on taking care of yourself! You are a beautiful, strong woman. :)

♥ Dee ♥ said...

You are ten feet tall, baby.

Your rock. Nuff said.

Dinah Soar said...

Take it one day at a time. Begin each day yielding yourself to God--look to Him for direction and He will give it

And think to yourself "what can I do today that will give me joy"...and make your mantra to just "do the next thing".

When the way is hard it's so tempting to look too far ahead. Yes we must be wise and plan..but don't borrow trouble worrying about things that may never come to pass or fixing things that aren't fixable. Just--'do the next thing'. Doing the next thing has gotten me over some really rough times.

Find yourself upset, beginning to fret? don't know what to do?..do the next thing that needs doing.

Does the bed need making--go make it. Does the floor need sweeping? Sweep it. You get the idea.

While you are doing what needs done very often the other troubles don't loom quite as large because something else is filling your mind and your time.

And remember--God is never late. He's always right on time, giving us what we need, when we need it, if we are looking to him. The Scripture says He is a very present help in time of trouble.

And I can testify that he has been a strong tower. He never promises that we won't have trials or tribulation, but that he will go through them with us and make a way of escape.

Roxanne said...

Hugs to you, Lyn. I know I don't comment here much at all, but I wanted to let you know that you have helped me think through A LOT of different issues, not all food related. This post especially I can really relate to. The feelings you described about feeling free are the same ones that I discovered I now have. My husband has been dealing with depression, bipolar symptoms, and bouts of suicidal thoughts. I allowed myself to get so drawn into it that I could barely function myself. Somewhere along the way I finally decided that I had to let him deal with it as he will. I allowed myself the freedom to realize that it was beyond my control and it was not my fault anymore. I know I'm rambling and you probably just need support right now, but I guess that this is my way of letting you know that you've been there for me (without knowing it) and I will try to be here for you through this. You seem like a very strong person and you and your children will survive this. :)

bbubblyb said...

Sounds like you're doing ok. I'm sure it feels good to be free. You're a strong woman and I think it's so noble you can still have kindness for him. I'm sure it will get easier and easier as the days go by. Way to go on a good day with food too.

Ria said...

Congratulations for doing what you needed to do for yourself and your kids. Just keep stringing those good days together!

Big Girl said...

It all makes sense to me and I'm so glad you are feeling the love. I agree this bloggy world is amazing.

It's amazing you have found such clarity in a situation that can become so clouded with emotions. Kudos to you.

Take one day at a time and build your future and your life.

mary said...

Hey girl, missed a few posts and poof....lol. Just wanted to say I have been there and I KNOW the feeling of relief. I really do. You deserve the best, we all do. TAKING Care of YOURSELF has to be #1 and boy that is hard to do sometimes You are in my thoughts chicka

Supple Mama said...

My husband and I almost divorced in 2002, I know what an incredibly rough time this is both emotionally and physically. please be extra-gentle with yourself. (((hugs)))

Dani said...

I'm fairly new to your blog...have been reading for a few weeks.

First of you are an amazing woman! You have the courage and heart and you will get through this.

Maybe once he is gone you will be able to find the peace you have been searching for? Some relationships just don't work after years, as sad as that is.

Keep your chind up and remember that you are a beauitful woman on the inside and out and no matter what happens you will always have you and your children.

*hugs*

MaryB said...

You have made it through Day One, you are doing awesome.
We are right here for you

ptg said...

You are strong. You will make it. You already are making it.

Thank you for trusting all of us along with you!!

Alexia@theonelastthing.com said...

Hugs to you, Lyn. When I went through something similar, it almost was a relief just to know one way or the other instead of having it drag on. Don't get me wrong -- I still had ups and downs and good days and bad days and it was hard -- but at least it was what it was instead of wondering what it would be.

Roder said...

Glad to see you're keeping it together Lyn. I'm thinking positive thoughts for you.

Lin said...

Lyn,
Thank you for sharing so much of yourself with this online community. You are strong and it will get better every day. You will survive! We're all here for you.

Mandy Cat said...

Today was the first time I've wandered onto this blog so I hope you don't mind a stranger commenting on what's going on in your life. I agree with one of the other posters: knowing what is going to happen is always better than wondering and dreading. And I have to say that man sounds like a real cold fish. No wonder you're worn out: trying to hold up both ends of a marriage all by yourself. Don't waste any more emotional energy on him; you take care of yourself and your children.