Thursday, December 11, 2008

I Will Make It

Today I felt pretty upbeat... even light. It was a productive day, and I rode my bike for 30 minutes. I ate well. But then every so often I get this overwhelming sense of darkness. This feeling that I am still not in control of my life. I get a little scared, because the future is a big, blank slate. Scary, but exciting in a way.

I'm afraid I will end up in the same situation I was in ten years ago: single mom, struggling to pay the bills, heat shut off for non-payment, eating stupid donuts from the food bank. I wonder what I am going to do, in a very broad sense. Lots of questions. But then I am also proud of myself because I know I can do it. I will figure out how to fix the broken ceiling fan, and how to repair the drywall behind the washer. I will figure out how to do whatever needs to be done, just like I used to do before I met him. I'll take my kids camping in the summertime, just like we used to do, and I will go back with my children and climb that little mountain and hike up that waterfall and conquer every other summit placed before me.

Scale says: 224.

23 comments:

elliedee said...

Hi Lyn:

I just came across your blog a couple days ago and was overwhelmed by your courage and honesty. You will rise above these circumstances and come out even stronger. All the best to you!

MizFit said...

there is nothing like that feeling of light, L.

physically and emotionally.

lets work to keep you there.

let me know if I can help.

Claire said...

I think it was Eleanor Roosevelt that said "A woman is like a tea bag. You never know how strong she is until she gets into hot water."

It is true but more than this YOU never know how strong you are until you have been tested. You can cope with this becaus you know you can. Self belief is everything and it can be the most powerful thing you have.

Jeanne said...

I think it's great that you continue to take care of YOU. My doctor once told me "the best way to take care of your kids is to take care of yourself!" HOW TRUE! It sounds like you have alot on your plate and I admire how you just keep on going! Keep it up!!

((hugs))
Jeanne

Hanlie said...

Yes you can! You are moving forward, not backward!

HollyALP said...

Hi Lyn,

I have to jump on the bandwagon here and say that you are an incredible woman with absolutely nothing to worry about. The hardest part about daunting situations is not finding the strength to get through them but managing the fear they can generate in your heart. And, I'm sure you've heard that there is nothing to fear but fear itself. I went through a tough time with my boyfriend (we live together) a few months ago. He actually moved out and I remember sitting on the steps in my house wondering how I would pay for it all. I closed my eyes and imagined the rooms filled with light and music and me dancing in the kitchen cooking as happy as can be. I knew in that moment that I would find a way to keep my house, I would find away to turn my home into a reflection of me, I would find a way to blanket every piece of darkness in my heart with light. I spent the next few days cleaning, packing his things, and dancing to music all the while. :) Dance Lyn - you're free.

Take One Stripper Pole said...

You have come too far to ever, ever go back! :)

Sheri said...

Hi Lyn,

Pray to the Lord above, and keep saying (like The Little Train That Could), "I can do it, I can do it". One thing I've learned from my situation, which is so similar to yours, is that no matter whe crosses my path, I can and will survive it. Life never promises to be roses, but we are strong and can overcome the worst of the thorns.

Hide those cookies said...

Lyn,

I can't imagine how tough things have been for you and I admire your courage and tenacity. I KNOW you'll keep pushing forward.

Dutch said...

You seem like you a strong woman that can handle anything that comes your way. You give me inspiration. I have been struggling all my life with my weight and I haven't done anything about it. I love reading your journal and I hope to find the strength to a healthy life. Have a great weekend.

~TMcGee~ said...

Lyn, you are such a rock in this stormy sea that you are going through. You may not see it now but I am a firm believe that these things happen for a reason. I don't know what the future holds as far as the "love department" goes but I will say this. Your kids are so lucky to have a mom like you. When they grow up and find their own way in this world, they are going to know that they have a safe place to come home to and that, my dear lady, is you.
God bless you and I literally mean that, may He really bless you during this time.

Juice said...

Oh Lyn, I'm just now catching up on the events from this week. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this! You have a great attitude and I know you will get through this and overcome. We're all pulling for you. You're in my prayers.

LastJourneyDown said...

I know you have fear, but every other sentence has something that hints at your strength and determination NOT to get stuck. So optimistic that I KNOW you will come out of this one tough individual - you already are and I think you're writing about it is brave - you have many friends here who care about you! I'll be sending good wishes your way.
Miche

Paula said...

224! Whoo Hoo!

Karyn said...

good job on the weight loss, Lyn! Obviously, you are not turning to your old nemesis this time! Pat yourself on the back!

As for the rest....Try not to think of all the things that will come along.....in my experience, when you face something as daunting as your husband asking for a divorce, the only thing you can do is.....

Take ONE day at a time.

You only need the stregth and wisdom for today.

Lyn, I do not know where you stand as far as God is concerned, but truly, in all the dark paths we have had to walk in our lives, I can tell you from experience....the Father who loves you will not only walk with you, He will carry you when the path gets too rough.

Just ask.

Just_Kelly said...

Good luch hun! I know you have the strength to get through this!

Just_Kelly
choosinglosing.blogspot.com

H8cake said...

Hi Lyn,
I'm glad you are sticking to your eating and exercising plan. Making your body healthier will give you the strength to deal with all the emotional demands. You are setting such a good example for your kids, too. Better days are coming!

new*me said...

Since we can't control what the future holds for us, lets have hope that we have learned enough so far from our journeys to know there is ALWAYS another option.

Keep smiling and know that NO ONE can take your strength away.......it is yours........OWN it ;)

Anonymous said...

Hi Lyn
Just wanted to let you know that the first 12 years of my life were with my father in my life - they were unhappy despite the bills always being paid and living in a beautiful home. Later when my Mum and I were on our own we gave up overseas holidays, I wore old clothes, things needed doing around the house - but they were the HAPPIEST years because Mum was strong and independent and we no longer lived by somebody elses rules. Don't worry about the little things - if the heating is off then have a pyjama party with a million blankets and pillows in the living room. Kids remember the fun stuff, not the struggles. xx

Pamela said...

Lyn, I just wanted to send you a hug and say I'm thinking about you!

Lynna said...

You are getting slammed left and right and you are prevailing. (Kids away for Christmas, husband sabotaging your healthy eating efforts, and husband dropping the d bomb.) Yes, you will make it. You already ARE making it. You help me be stronger. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

New to this blog and amazed by the commonalities we share.

So remember life is not just one-day-at-a-time, life is in the now.

Breathing in deep and slow through your nose, then slow and pushing out the mouth cycles hormones, makes you feel relaxed, and is better than plugging up your mouth with food.

If you died today and were no longer on this planet, what do you think everyone else would do without you? Not in a sad, gruesome way, but as in an energy shift kind of way.

My views on food changed when I realized that corn syrup is in just about every processed food, including tomato sauces and meats. Watch the movie "King Korn" and you will understand the process of growing the tasteless corn and manufacturing the raw product into a super sweet syrup is one of the biggest wastes of energy in existence. All that work to hook people on their Doritos or crackers much like a drug... no thanks.

Clean, simple, basic unprocessed whole foods. Once you start, the old foods never taste the same, at least not in a nutritious way. Foods can be healing, soulful, and nurture the spirit as well as the body.

No, life is not easy. But it can make you strong. You may not know the path you are traveling on, but trust in the beautiful things. Trust yourself.

LisaNewton said...

Is anyone really in control of their life? Even "normal" people often feel out of control, for various reasons.

I know I just keep plugging along with a flexible plan, hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst.

You're doing good!!

Please let me know if I can do anything............:)