Monday, December 8, 2008

Crazy Day

Today is one of those days that I am very thankful I have a monthly calorie budget, because I went wayyyyyyy over my "daily" average limit. What a crazy day.

Breakfast: chai tea latte with a nice healthy bowl of oatmeal with walnuts and pumpkin
(it was all downhill from there.)
Lunch at the mall: one slice of Sbarros pizza, side Caesar salad, few sips of iced tea
Snack at the mall: free samples of See's chocolate, after which I bought one dark chocolate bar and ate it in the car (but hey, I did savor it!)
Snack at home: tea with a bit of sugar and milk, one ounce of cheddar cheese, few tablespoons of cheese spread and 8 Ritz crackers
Dinner: 2 very small piece of Tony's frozen pizza, one very small baked potato with butter and light cheese, 2 bowls of Apple Jacks with low fat milk

Yeah. Crazy!!!!!

The bad: obviously bad food choices after breakfast. Processed, fatty, sugary stuff that was high in salt. No veggies, no fruits. Total: 2,790 calories.

The good: yes, there is a bright side. This was much better than *the usual* when I was heavier, and I did exercise moderation. I used to get TWO slices of pizza. I got one and I didn't even eat the crust. And I only used half the salad dressing. And I refrained from a large Coke. I also got a smaller chocolate bar than I used to buy. As far as the cheese goes, if you have read my blog for long, you know I have a *cheese thing.* I am some kind of cheese addict. It is unheard of that I should eat one OUNCE of cheddar. It's nothing for me to eat 8 oz in a sitting. If the world was made of cheese and there were no other foods, I would be in heaven. Very fat, but in heaven. Anyway, I limited myself on the cheese. There was a lot of other food racing through my mind that I wanted, but I stopped. That's something.

The Why: I let stress get to me. Last night I found out that my four oldest children will not be with me for Christmas; they'll be across the country with their father. This is a first. I have *always* had my kids for Christmas and every other holiday. I am terribly nervous about putting my children on a plane, and I am somewhat distraught about not having them here for Christmas. We'll celebrate early. But still, they'll be gone, and my whole heart just aches from it. I let it get to me. It's still eating me inside a bit, but I just can't let it screw me up again tomorrow.

And so here I am, feeling a little weak and a bit vulnerable. My husband who is here until after Christmas brought home a giant, Costco-sized bag of potato rolls, a carton of Ritz, and a "family sized" tub of cheese spread. He got some salami, and made cream-cheese-smoked-salmon spread. He bought a big tub of white chocolate macadamia nut gourmet cookie dough, and my son is baking them right now. I sometimes get that feeling that I am flailing in the water, trying not to go under, but then I remember: I know how to swim.

I might have a cookie or two tonight. I dunno. I'll log everything in my calories. I'll bike tonight for 30 minutes, even though I am in constant pain with my knees. And I'll readjust tomorrow, and keep on swimming.

18 comments:

Chubby said...

Lyn:

Does he know what you're doing with your life? From your posts thus far, he's not being helpful. In fact, he's being hurtful. If I were you, I'd put up with neutral (not helpful) behavior, but the hurtful has got to go. YMMV.

(Formerly Anon. comment on perceived vulnerability from the "My Fat Didn't Protect Me" post)
Erin

Karen said...

We all have days like that! Saturday was one for me, I used 15 WW flex points on JUNK! I stopped myself and have been fine since. It's funny, today I had trouble getting my daily points in.

Good job tracking it, that's half the battle!

I have a cheese thing too, by the way. It's my favorite afternoon snack. Lately I've been into all of the Sargento light sticks...string cheese, colby jack, cheddar....YUM!

~TMcGee~ said...

Stress is such a sucky thing isn't it! My heart hurts for you that your kiddos have to be gone across the country during Christmas. :( But you are right, you know how to "swim" and when you feel like you are drowning, please know that there are people on here who care. We will do our best to throw you a life line and help to keep you afloat during a bad moment.
Keep strong! I just know that I'm going to see you on the cover of a magazine someday as a wonderful success story.

Many hugs!

Katschi said...

Lyn, my heart hurts for you, too!
I don't have kids so I can only imagine the emptiness.
I love Erin's candor & I have to say I agree with her.
PLEASE, take us all into your heart & gather strength from us to get you through! We're (I am) rooting for you to succeed!!!

Losing Waist! said...

You give me a lot of hope to keep going after a bad day. You had bad days last month and you still made great progress! The bad days are the ones that make me want to throw in the towel. I am glad to read of your persistence to keep going, you are inspiring!

I think we all have "those" days!

Sharon said...

Why did hubby buy such junk? That's not good for him either.

How many kids do you have?

I like your blog a lot. I don't have any kids but I'm still an emotional eater. That's why I blog too.

But I blog about everything, because that's why I eat... everything. It's hard to find something that is as comforting.

Rachel ! said...

Your self-reflection about a rough day is very inspirational - I try not to beat myself up after going over on calories, either, but it definitely helps to see good examples of it. I hope you get through these next few weeks with grace and all the contentment you can muster!

Skinny Inside said...

Oh, I just want to send you a hug for having to be apart from your children on Christmas. That must be so difficult to deal with.

I agree with Chubby, your hubby doesn't seem to be helping you. But, you should feel good about how different your behaviour is from "the old usual". Rome wasn't built in a day, and changing old habits is HARD!! You're such an inspiration, keep it up, and have a Merry Christmas ~ your children will always be in your heart!

Betsey C. said...

I'm sorry you won't have your kids for December 25, but remember that's only a day on the calendar. The day that you choose to celebrate with your children will be the real Christmas Day to you. So, they won't be gone for Christmas, although they may be gone for December 25.

Good job making some better choices even in the midst of a crazy eating day. Small victories! It sounds like your husband is trying to sabotage you, doesn't it? Why would he bring home all that junk when you are obviously doing so well with your healthy eating plan? Hmmmmmmm.....

Anonymous said...

Lyn: I love your blog and lurk here all the time. I wanted to come out of lurkdom to comment on your "binge". In reading about your binges in the past, I would think, "wow. That's alot." This "binge"? Not so much. It sounds like a typical bad day for me, too. I have those, about once every two weeks. And yet I am slim and have maintained my weight for 8 years. There is room in a successful, healthy life for days like these. This was a day you enjoyed yourself. Maybe you didn't eat like you had hoped, but you weren't *punishing* yourself with food or eating emotionally -- very different from the past. It's great progress, and you are doing fantastic. Keep up the good work.

Muttonfish

Sheri said...

One thought came to mind. I hope you didn't have those sweets last night. Sounds like your husband is saying, "Honey, I don't want you to loose weight, so here. Eat. Eat!!" Please, you let him and the travesties of life get to you, but don't let him win!

I can totally relate to not have the wee ones with you at Christmas. This has been my burden to bear too with the other parent living someplace else. It tears at your heart strings, but Christmas for divorced families is not the date, but the day. So they are with him Christmas Day. That's his Christmas Day. Your Christmas Day is the one you choose to celebrate with your kids, and when you are done they will know you love them, and they will cherish that time you had together. I always downplayed the fact that they would be elsewhere, and made a big deal about how lucky the kids were to have two Christmas's. I've learned it's all about how you see and approach the situation. Bottom line is, that other parent is not going to suck your joy into disappointment.

You keep your joy and help and hope the kids enjoy their Christmas in both places despite their parents not being together. Turn the break into your at home spa!

Sheri said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sheri said...

I meant to say, "Please, don't you let him and the travesties of life get to you, but don't let him win!

Anonymous said...

Lyn:

My heart aches for you. Celebrate Christmas early with your sons and enjoy your daughter on Christmas Day. Think positive...it can be an extra special day for you and her.

new*me said...

I am sorry you have to be without the children. It will be okay though.......you are strong and you will make it beautiful despite the loss ;)..........think of all the great holidays you have had with them :)

Bethany said...

Awww, stink! I'm so sorry, you won't have your kids. I would be so sad, too. Christmas is just the time when you need your loved ones around you. I hate that you're having a rough time, but you are dealing with it very admirably! You are a strong lady. Keep up the good work! *Hugs*
Bethany

Dinah Soar said...

You can't change your husband--no sense in trying. It does make it harder--but if it isn't that it would be something else.

As for the kids, it's tough--but you can't change that either. No sense in making it worse by doing what I call 'kicking against the pricks'..cause you'll just get sore feet. And it's a waste of energy.

It helps to change what you can, accept what you can't, and have the wisdom to know the difference. Simple, but not easy.

Hang in their dear girl--you are going to make it. Never forget that you are a young woman with many years ahead of you--full of hope and many good wishes for the future from all of us out here in blog land.

Your success is ours as well because "no man is an island, no man stands alone....each man's joy is joy to me, each man's grief is my own'--as the song lyric goes...and we are cheering you on!

moonduster said...

I know I would feel just as sad about news like that.

How many kids do you have? (I have seven, with my youngest and last being two weeks old today.)