Sunday, December 21, 2008

Christmas Eve

It's Christmas Eve, and all is quiet in my house. My little girl is snuggled in her bed, and I can't wait to hear her sweet little voice in the morning asking me, "Mommy, is it CHRISTMAS??" My heart melts at the thought of her seeing her Tinkerbell doll, the huge smile on her face, and the wonder in her eyes as she sees stockings full of gifts. She'll be amazed that Santa really DID eat the cookies she left out for him... all but one bite. Oh how I love my daughter. She makes life such a joy, and reminds me of her brothers when they were little. There is something just magical about preschoolers and Christmas.

My boys will be excited too. They don't expect to get much this year, since they are officially spending Christmas with their father for the first time in the decade since we divorced. That's why it's Christmas Eve for us; they're leaving in two days to fly across the country, and I will be here alone with my daughter for 9 days. My husband will be here, but I'll definitely be alone. It's just a countdown until he leaves again; knowing he is divorcing me makes his very presence unpleasant. I'm angry at him; he dropped this bombshell on me just days after I found out my older children wouldn't be here on Christmas. I have never been apart from them. I raised them quite alone. I could stand to have some support and comfort as I put them on an airplane, smiling and hugging them and telling them to have a good time, and then, I imagine, my heart breaking in two as I am left without them. They're still my little boys, and I have to send them off into the nowhere, by themselves, and I know I won't rest easy until they are safely at their father's (and then again until they are safely home). I worry terribly about the flights. The weather is dreadful, and seeing that airplane crash in Denver this week didn't ease my mind at all. My kids have to transfer planes once each direction and I am so scared they will get lost or separated or hurt or abducted at the airport. The oldest is 16 and I have to trust that he will take care of his brothers. But oh how my heart aches thinking about it. It's out of my control, though. I have to breathe and deal with it.

But tonight they're here, safe and sound. Tonight I can hug them and tell them I love them, and in the morning we will have a great Christmas together. My kids are all excited because they got me "cool presents." One son made me something in wood shop at school and he could hardly stand to wait to give it to me.

This week has been a wash as far as healthy eating is concerned. I didn't "drop the baby," per se, but I am hanging onto him with one arm. Every day has been crammed with shopping, wrapping, cooking, and baking, so I have not exercised (biked/lifted) at all. Seems this body has limitations, and after a day of overactivity I have literally been in too much pain to bike. I'm done now, though. The shopping's done, everything is wrapped and under the tree, and the baking is complete. One holiday dinner tomorrow (ham, potatoes, green beans) and then I can collapse in a heap for one day before I collect myself and start biking and lifting weights again. I'm not waiting for New Years. I'm ready to get my structure back. I feel so much better when I am in my routine.

I don't know what I weigh, but I am probably up a few pounds. The monthly calorie budget went out the window a couple days ago; I just had too much on my plate already, so to speak. I know I can't always use stress or business as an excuse not to count calories or eat well, but the whole divorce/kids leaving/daughter's medical issues/PMS/Christmas combination did knock me for a loop.

Did I mention that my youngest son's birthday just happens to be next week, and he will be gone for that as well? Yeah. I've never missed his birthday before. We'll celebrate when he gets home, but I gave birth to that kid, dammit. I gestated him for 9 months and pushed him out of my body and breastfed him for a year. I should get to hug him on his birthday.

I'll be ok. I'm not bingeing or anything. I did have pizza tonight: 2 slices, with salad. The baking was fun, the cookies were ok. I ate fewer than I thought I would. I gave most of them away already. I just want my life to be back in my control. I want stability and comfort and... I just want things to be okay again.

All I can really do now is love my kids, enjoy every minute they are here, and take back my life by eating healthy and exercising. I CAN control that.

Merry Christmas.


Laurens_Closet said...

When I first "discovered" your blog I thought 'what could this person have to say that has so many people watching & tuning in???' and now I know. You are so honest & write so well... I can't imagine putting my children on a plane at Christmas, smiling all the way, and holding my breath HOPING they are safe. Hoping they are loved & cared for. How hard that must be... I'm so sorry.

I'm WITH you on the holidays being a hard time for weight loss (see my latest blog entry I added tonight). And I'm down about it. One way or another, let's make it through, Lyn. We may not be weight loss "AMAZON HERO's" this winter~ but we can survive & move into 2009 feeling more confident, more beautiful, and more in control.

~ Amy

PS~ kick your soon-to-be-ex for all of us. Or at least spit in his drink when he's not looking. Childish, I know... but it would make me feel better. : )

Claire said...

Just keep on keepin on Lyn. Some things we just endure I'm afraid but you will be stronger for it. Coley xxx

Linda said...

I know...I know. My ex dropped the bomb on me that he expects to be met at noon to have our son for Xmas Day and the weekend. We won't even get to enjoy our family dinner, and my boy is really disappointed. However, like you, I am going to make the best of it with a fun evening out Xmas Eve and a great breakfast Xmas morning. I will miss him at dinner and Xmas night. But I am resilient. So are you. And like you, I am off track, but Dec. 26 I'm getting right back on my program with new gusto.

Enjoy. God bless and give you strength.

spunkysuzi said...

I feel your pain!! I know my kids are older but this will be the first christmas without either one of them. One's lives aways already and is off on a cruise and the other just moved to Holland :) So it will be the hubs and i on christmas day with some movies, a nice dinner and a good bottle of wine!!

Rebecca said...

You are so strong...My birthday is next week too, Sunday 28th!

Anonymous said...

im sorry that you're speading christmas away from your children :(

you still are making smart choices even if you don't realize it. two slices of pizza with a salad is a great meal! don't beat yourself up :)

Squishy ! said...

Oh, Lyn. *hugs* *more hugs*

CJ said...

I know this must be hard for you. I have never spent a Christmas without my children, but I know I would feel as you do if I had to. Enjoy them while they are there with you and don't let this ruin your Christmas. Moving your Christmas up and celebrating as if nothing is different is the best that you can do.

I agree with Amy, kick your soon-to-be-ex for the rest of us. He doesn't deserve you!

Neelith said...

You are a strong woman. That is so much to handle at once! Try not to beat up on yourself. Look at the situation. 2 slices of pizza with a salad is fine. You didn't binge. Remember that and give your self a pat on the back. with all the stress going on right now, you didn't binge. That is huge. You are an amazing person. I am sorry to hear that your Christmas is not going as planned. That must be so heartbreaking. I hope you have a great pre christmas with your boys!

Barefoot Pixie said...

Hang in there! You are so strong, you can make it through this. What a great mom your kids have that you aren't trying to sabotage their Christmas to get back at ex. I hear so many people doing things like that. You are just making the best of a bad situation and they will be so blessed by that!

Stephanie said...

I just wanted to say hang in there and enjoy every moment while the kids are home with you. And be grateful that you have them at all. I know sometimes that is easier said then done, but remember God did not bless us all with the gift of children.

Do you have some fun mother daughter time planned while its virtually just the two of you?

Hang in there. And remember you are an amazing woman!

♥ Dee ♥ said...

I'll never forget my first Christmas without my boys. I cried and cried, and tried so hard to put on a cheery face for my inlaws that had come to be with us.

Luckily they understood. And luckily, I had no other kids there to witness my sorrow and misery on Christmas Day.

Allow yourself time to mourn and cry. An hour in the bedroom, feeling completely sorry for yourself. Then wash your self up, put on a happy face, and spend quality time with your child still there.

You can and will get through this. My heart is with you.


LastJourneyDown said...

I can't imagine going through this, Lyn. You are so tough and writing about it so well. I know that you will come out on the other side, but realize that it's so hard now. Time will eventually heal your hurt, but it may take some time. You have so much support here! Hugs, Miche

Karyn said...

"All I can really do now is love my kids, enjoy every minute they are here, and take back my life by eating healthy and exercising. I CAN control that"

True words. Wise words. Words to live by.

This painful season of your life WILL pass, following your own words of wisdom, you WILL come out of it a healthier, happier person whose kids are secure in your love for them.

I hope that you will remember all of us "out here" who care about you when you have to put your boys on the plane....and are able to draw some measure of encouragement and comfort from our prayers and our thoughts toward you.

Have a wonderful "Christmas Day"!

Susannah said...

((((((((((Lyn))))))))))!!!! Every single thing will work out, really. Your boys will make it through their flights and the airports, they will miss you and their sister but they will have a great time with their dad. You will celebrate with your adorable daughter and it will seem like your husband isn't even there. You will climb back on your bike and feel all the better for it. We are all cheering for you, thinking of you and caring about you! All the thoughtfulness and support that you have given us, your readers, is flowing back to you -as it should be!
2009 is your year to shine! Thank you for your blog - it is so inspiring, well written and real.

bbubblyb said...

You brought tears to my eyes, I can feel your pain. *big hug* I know you'll have a wonderful Christmas eve and Christmas with your boys beforehand and then another one with your sweet little girl. It will all work out because you're a strong woman and you deserve happiness.

I want to spit in your husband's drink too lol.

Alice Lynne said...

I have been through many Christmas' without my now 25 and 24 yo daughters when I divorced their father and it's tough. Just remember, they will be home (safe and sound) soon. Good luck and have a wonderful Christmas!

Tamzin said...

Sorry Lyn, I wish I had something great to add here, but sadly, I dont.

I know its going to be hard. But I'm going to keep my fingers crossed, that its not as bad as its seems it will be.


~TMcGee~ said...

Lyn, I'm so sad while reading this. I know there aren't enough words to give you comfort but know that I and so many others are thinking of you and praying for you during this hard time.

jae said...

"Christmas Day" may be on December 25, but CHRISTMAS is anyday you choose to spend celebrating your family; opening gifts and eating together and telling stories and giving love. My parents divorced when I was 24, I was just getting together with my husband. I thought I ruined our holidays by having to fit all of my family, and his, into one day. It was my MIL, who was so wonderful about making me realize that just getting together is the holiday. We are lucky to have Christmas or Thanksgiving or even Easter on what ever day is more convienient and close. You are doing right by your kids, Lyn! They won't remember the day Christmas was on, just the love you give!!! ~j

elife said...

((Hugs)) I'm sorry that you'll be spending Christmas away from some of your children; I can't imagine how hard that is, especially with everything else you've got going on.

More hugs, e