Saturday, December 13, 2008

Bottomless Pit

Today I felt like a totally bottomless pit in a literal sense. Every time I ate something, my stomach felt empty anyway, as if I had not eaten much of anything. It kept growling and grumbling and feeling like I hadn't eaten in hours. This is unusual for me. I am used to cravings, and I am used to *wanting* to eat, or getting hungry 3 hours after I eat. But today, I was just physically empty no matter what I ate. There's no mistaking it; even now as I type, my stomach is growling and begging to be fed. I am not craving any specific food item; I just want something in my stomach to make it stop growling! As a result, I am already at 1,982 calories and have not even had dinner yet. I felt quite hungry last night, too, as if I could eat a complete Outback steak dinner at 8pm, but I just had a light snack instead.

Today my food was interesting...
Breakfast was scrambled Egg Beaters made into an omelet with low fat cheese, turkey breakfast sausage, and spinach, with a toasted whole grain low carb bagel with a dab of butter, and a Clementine. Also had chai tea and a cup of green tea. This is more food than usual for breakfast, but I was already starving in the morning.

Then I took the kids out shopping, and had a chicken breast sandwich for lunch. It had lettuce and tomatoes and Swiss cheese on it, on a whole grain bun. I added a bit of low fat honey mustard and threw half of the bun away. I drank ice water.

When we got home, I was famished. I made a mug of hot tea, and had a string cheese. I was still hungry. I had a square of dark chocolate and ate a tablespoon of peanut butter. I figured the cheese and peanut butter would give me enough fat and protein to quell the hunger. I drank a ton of water and went about my business. Not much time passed and I was just starving again. Stomach rumbling, the whole 9 yards. I thought maybe I needed some fiber, so I had a high fiber, whole grain, 100-calorie English Muffin spread with a teaspoon of butter, and another mug of hot tea. But I seriously felt like I hadn't eaten a thing.

At this point I know what I should have done. I should have roasted a pan of green beans or steamed a plate of squash and eaten a large volume of vegetables, because my stomach wanted VOLUME. But I didn't realize that until later...

So because I was still very hungry I had MORE water, a big mug of homemade chicken stock, and an ounce of cheddar cheese. I was still feeling empty even after that (where was all this food going??) and I had a handful of corn chips with ranch. I drank more water. And finally I ate an ice cream sandwich. Hm. Even that didn't help.

And so it is that I have eaten over 1900 calories and feel as empty as if I had not eaten a thing. I am feeling SO hungry. Stomach is growling and I just wanna eat a whole chicken or something. I decided I am going to boil the head of cabbage I have in the fridge and eat as much of it as I want. There's broccoli in there too, just in case. I hope that's enough to fill me up tonight. And I want to get on the bike after I put my daughter to bed.

On another topic, there were two frequently asked questions on my last couple of posts, so I thought I'd answer right here:

1) How many kids do you have? I have five children.

2) When is he leaving? He is leaving the first week of January, but not "moving out" per se. We have lived apart most of the last 15 months, and he is going back to "his place" which is 1500 miles away. He plans to come back to visit our daughter once a month or so, until spring when he says he is filing for divorce.

Now the next questions would be: Why the wait? Mostly for financial reasons. When I married him, I quit working and have been a stay-at-home-mom for 4 years. I also depleted all my resources, and now am completely dependent on him for any and all funds. He is continuing to pay the bills until we are divorced. And while I might prefer to be alone right now, I am not able to do it financially. I have to get an income rolling first. I'd have to pull my daughter out of ballet and playgroup and stick her in daycare so I could work, and I'd like to put that off as long as possible. I had to work and put my other 4 children in daycare when they were little and I missed out on a lot of time with them. I want as much time with my last child as I can get. I understand that some of you would not choose to allow an estranged spouse to keep living in your home. That's okay, I'm not in your shoes. I can tolerate his presence for the next 3 weeks and then for a few days here and there until spring, if it means I have food on the table for my children and a roof over our heads. I'll be self sufficient soon enough.

Again thank you SO MUCH for your support and words of kindness!

Scale says: 222.

19 comments:

p said...

you don't have to justify your decisions to anyone. you need to make things work for YOU right now and if by having him live there you can survive financially then that is all that counts.
I admire your strength, your level-headed-ness, and the way you have been moving forward while going through this horrible experience. i am sending courage and good thoughts your way to keep you going through this as well.

Anonymous said...

I got caught up on your blog tonight and there was one theme through every entry, a theme you may not even recognize in yourself but all of us "fans" certainly see. Its STRENGTH. You show strength and grace day after day, no matter how much crap life throw at you. WOW...you really are superwoman. And it won't be long till you will be prancing around in a cute little Superwoman costume with all sorts of hot young guys chasing you. Keep going, Lyn!!!! You help us ALL believe in ourselves!
Karen in TN (who has been mired in self pity the last few days)

ryry the adventurous said...

As long as you can tolerate it, that's all that matters. I just think you are way stronger than I would be in this situation, that's for sure!

No surprise you're hungry hungry today, your twitter says you ate way low on calories yesterday! KUDOS and MORE KUDOS for following the plan in the hardest of times.

Meagan said...

Hi Lyn,

I stumbled across your blog today and had a chance to read a few entries. I know you have probably been told this before, but it sounds as though it could have been written by me! Well, if I was as insightful and articulate as you are. I also am fighting the battle, losing and regaining, struggling every day to make better choices. I just wanted to drop you a line and let you know how inspirational your words are to me. Thank you for having the courage to publicly say what so many of us are thinking.

Tena said...

You are a mom and we moms do whatever we have to in order to take care of our kiddos. Still, I'm sorry you have to see him sitting there playing on the computer. I think it would be hard for me not to pop him on the head in passing saying "A-hole." Sorry!

When I'm really having a hungry day it's usually because I've not had enough protien. Try having a whey shake for a big dose without many cals. :)

Bunny Trails said...

Oh my. I don't know what else to say. I ran across your blog tonight and I am so impressed with the way you are handling your situation. I am also so sorry you have to go through it. No need to justify your decisions to anyone - only yourself! You are right, we only walk in our own shoes. No judgement - only happy, healing, positive thoughts being sent by those of us out here touched by your stories!

'This too shall pass'!!!

LastJourneyDown said...

First, thanks for your comment - you are so amazing - and as "p" said, you need to take care of YOU now. I had no idea you had FIVE children - thought you had four. The road ahead may be tough, but you are far tougher than you possibly even know. I admire your tenacity and calmness through this "season of joy" - and send you best wishes for peace, tho you seem to be doing a great job.
xoMiche

Tamzin said...

Sounds like you have thought it out carefuly, and if you can manage thats what counts. Money sadly, can really dictate what we do, instead of doing what might be best for our selves.

I feel like there are days when I'm the blackhole of food. I do love me a good head of cabbage! :) FIBRE!!!!

I'm thinking good thoughts for you Lyn, and I'll keep my fingers crossed for you that the job/money situation get sorted out asap.

Cheers

Laurens_Closet said...

I just found your blog tonight & am so impressed with you, your journey, what you are accomplishing while going through a nightmare. I wish you the best~ I can't imagine losing my husband AND trying to lose weight but you can do it! I'm going to check in on your blog frequently & hope things turn around for you quickly...

- from your newest fan!

Amy
http://rebuildingamy.blogspot.com/

redballoon said...

Lyn,

Second the comment on not having to defend yourself to any of us. I was only wondering and worried. Knowing you with that good head on your shoulders, the reason behind your husband being there takes my worries away.
And, yeah, the hunger is surely form the day before. You're not over, just put the two days together and you'll see you're still way ahead of the game. Love that twitter thing too. I never look at it because I usually read blogs in the Google reader, but that is interesting.
Stay strong!

moonduster said...

I know how tough it's going to be for you to stick to your healthy eating when he is around causing you stress, but you can do it! You've done so well so far! And I completely understand wanting more time with your youngest before you have to put her in daycare. I am a stay-at-home mom of seven.

Do you have any photo or graphics programs on your computer? I have a suggestion for a way you can earn money from home using the Internet. I've been doing it for years. (You can e-mail me through the contact button in my blog at http://skinnydreaming.blogspot.com .)

Fat Lazy Guy said...

I'm so sorry I haven't posted any comments recently, Lyn, but it seems like you've had plenty to read :) I just haven't known what to say. Still, it sounds like you're doing well, and I hope it stays that way.

spunkysuzi said...

Lyn you have to do whatever is best for you and your children!! I would only wish in the same situation to find the inner strength that you have!!

Karyn said...

Good for you, on your choices when you are so hungry! You have been choosing well.

I'll be praying for you over the next 3 weeks - that you can retain the grace and dignity....

((((hugs))))

Lori said...

Lyn - You don't need to justify yourself to blog readers. You do what you need to survive.

I hope you have made an appointment to speak with a lawyer, though.

With an internet connection, I might try getting a work at home job as customer support with a company like
LiveOps.com or westathome.com

Carol said...

After reading your post about trying to fill this hunger I have to mention something you might want to consider. Most likely your hunger was not physical, even if it felt like it was. But what it might be (and I speak from personal experience)is the beginnings of an ulcer. When my ulcer starts coming back on me I often confuse it with a physical hunger because I swear it feels exactly the same (my doc agreed on this by the way). I have Rx strength Nexium and after a week or two on it, I'm feeling much better. So you might want to get it checked out or try some OTC strength. If you do, realize it takes a couple days before you'll feel any relief. Good luck!!

Paula said...

I agree, you don't need to justify anything to your readers. I know sometimes I might come off as "telling you what to do", but that's just cause I've been with my husband 35 years, I feel like an elder trying to give you advice. I'm a retired criminal paralegal though, and I heartily agree with seeing an attorney just to protect yourself. So many times in a divorce men assure women everything will be taken care of, but I wouldn't trust any of that until it was in writing; thin line between love and hate etc. People can get very ugly when it concerns money. See, there I go again, trying to give advice! I feel like I know you now, trying to talk to you like a friend.

Sharon said...

I'm going to go eat a whole head of cabbage or a whole butternut squash, I haven't deceided.

I have those days too were I need volume.

I am a fan of your blog. Your entries mirror some of my own things. I'll be your lurking cheerleader.

Sheri said...

Lyn, I can relate to the unfulfilled hunger, but one question - were you tired? I have found that when I am tired those hunger messages are messed up, and often subsided by a bit of sleep.

Also, I have been there when it comes to living with the ex after he calls it off and before he moves out. From the time my ex called it off to when he actually moved out, in my case, it was five weeks in our tiny one bedroom apartment. We shared the bedroom too during all that time. It was very awkward, him knowing he was leaving and me hoping he'd change his mind. I'm now glad he didn't.