Monday, December 15, 2008

Acceptance

I almost didn't post anything today... or tomorrow. I sort of crashed today. I think the hunger was some mix of emotional/hormonal/stress-related, and today I sort of hit a wall. The kind of wall where you want to sink into a deep puddle of warm mud and just stay there forever. So I wasn't gonna post, but then I thought about people worrying about me and decided to at least say *something.* I trust you'll forgive me if I skip a Healthy Habit this week. Maybe we can all go back and work on a habit that we never quite got down instead. New habit next week.

Last night my stomach was still growling at 10:30pm... unheard of for me. I almost *never* get hungry at night, and if I do, a couple of almonds and I am good. Last night I ate a bagel and cream cheese and then went to bed. Oh well, a better day tomorrow.

Today was better in that I did not get hungry once. But it was bad in that I did not count calories whatsoever. And I feel like my body is falling apart. Stress symptoms coming through as physical pain? Maybe. The husband has started being quite nice and pleasant, and I am vacillating between relief and dread. But enough of that. The other shoe will drop soon enough. Today I felt sick most of the day. Headache and digestive upset, mostly. But that didn't keep me from eating: 2 eggs and turkey sausage with a whole grain English muffin and green tea; 2 pieces of pizza; various bits of cheese here and there; some chocolate from the pharmacy; and a homemade lasagna with garlic bread and a slice of cake for dinner. Yeah, rough. But I think I needed a break anyway. I have no desire to eat like that again tomorrow, so no worries. However, I have suddenly come down with a bum hip. No idea how or why; maybe I slept on it wrong. But I've been limping around the house all day and did not bike because of it. Hoping for better tomorrow.

Lemme say one more thing. Today I surfed around and read various blogs, and I came across this one that I'd never seen before I sat and read this blog on and off today and I thought, "Wow. This woman really has a wonderful life. All the pictures are amazing. Look at her handsome, rugged husband who works hard and loves her and their children. What beautiful kids living such an idyllic life. And she is an amazing person with a near-perfect family and she isn't fat..." and I ended up getting upset. Jealous, maybe. I wanted that life!! I wanted to find a man who would sweep me off my feet and adore me, and make gorgeous babies with him, and watch him teach them how to live and enjoy life. I wanted to just be a mom and a wife and love my family out in the country somewhere, watching my kids grow up happy and raising them with their father. I wanted to grow old together with my best friend and laugh on the front porch together with grandbabies on our knees. I wanted it, and it is damned unfair that I got this life where I have been lonely and struggling most of the time, with men who broke my heart. Instead of riding horses and watching my kids pick daisies, I was working for $7 an hour while they cried and got bitten by other people's angry kids in daycare. Instead of a best friend I just got betrayed. I don't get to serve up beans and cornbread to my hungry husband when he comes in from work and then hold him in bed while we snuggle down for the night, and I don't get the see my boys learning how to be men from their father. Why didn't I get that life? Not fair!! I sat in my bath tonight and felt really angry that I am turning 40 this year and my life is nothing like I wanted. I even cried a little.

I am still slightly in pity party mode, although I don't expect anyone to join in. I know I am better off than a lot of people. And the one thing I am *so thankful* for and would never change is that I have five beautiful children that I love with my whole soul. They're the heart of me. And I would never in a million years trade them for a chance at that frontier life with a best friend husband and four cute dimpled cowpoke children. As cute as they are, I'll keep mine. And the life we have built for ourselves, as plain as it may be. I could never write a blog about my *life* per se. It would be so boring. "Here is the bus going by our house. It goes by every 30 minutes. Here is a picture of my cracked toilet. Someday I will install a toilet paper holder in this bathroom. Here is my teenager sitting on the sofa playing his PS-whatever-thing video game, and here is my fat black cat chasing my mini dog around the Christmas tree because he tried to sniff her butt." Not as exciting as a 3-year-old riding a horse or a 6-year-old roping cattle, but you know, it's my life. So I'll take it.

I feel kinda better just getting this out here. So thanks for being here and reading, because I really wanted to keep having a pity party and moping around for a couple more days, but instead, I got my feelings out and now I feel more inclined to count my blessings. Everyone has their problems. I'll just keep working on mine.

36 comments:

Once Upon A Dieter said...

I'm glad you posted. And you know, we all from time to time see someone else who has it all, or has what we consider ideal, and we sigh and we think, "UNFAIR!" I know i have. When I see healthy people who have been healthy since birth, unlike me, who didn't have to worry about medications from childhood, like me, who could run and jump and breathe normally or don't itch a lot or don't have zits or have nice teeth or have perfect homes etc, yeah, I get like that.

Especially at age 48, cause more of my life is over than what I have left, when maybe I have 15 or 20 or 30 years and that's it. Yeah, you start evaluating what you missed, regretting lost chances to take risks and do things you want, etc.

It hurts to grow old. No question. And it hurts most when people let us down, people who we trusted to be there--whether family, spouse or friend.

A divorce is high up on stress levels (like having people DIE), so that you feel bad physically is normal. I have bad hip days, and I do think it's from how I sleep sometimes. So, I stretch, and the more I stretch, teh better that hip feels. Stretch, girl!

I hope that your hunger pangs are gone for a spell, and that hubby stays acting kindly (better than indifferent, maybe?), and that something wonderful opens up for you. Something unexpected and miraculous. Something to make you think, "Ah, this is just what I need."

Hugs,
The P

Anonymous said...

1) ((((((Lyn))))))
2) Thanks for posting through these tough times. You don't have to put up a shiny front for your readers. As you see for yourself, when people are going through tough times themselves, reading about the perfect family can be painful. Reading about someone else struggling can give hope.
3) Your readers care about you pretty unconditionally.
4) Your kids love you.
5) I read a lot of comments telling you how strong you are and how you'll get through this. I believe that too. Right now though, it's not all about being strong. It's about getting through the days, one at a time. It's about getting through grief for your relationship. Look up "stages of grief". Much of it is oriented toward dealing with death related grief, but there's also divorce related/relationship related grief information out there. You may find it helpful to relate to the steps of grief and where you are in the process.
Shock & Denial
Pain & Guilt
Anger & Bargaining
"Depression", Reflection & Loneliness
The upward turn
Reconstruction & Working through
Acceptance & Hope
6) Maybe someone else's life looks all rosy. Maybe it is. And it's not fair. Maybe their life isn't as rosy as it looks - and maybe it is. For better or worse, we're all in the lives we're in.
A lot of the best parts of life are the mundane details that no one else would be interested in. Someday you'll look back and remember these moments in time of perfect ordinariness. From the perspective of you and your kid's lives, these ARE the times of your life. And in your memories, the good of these times won't be connected to the bad of these times.
7) It's perfectly ok to rail against the unfairness of what's going on in your life. You don't have to be all strength.
8) You write so well and capture real life so well. I find myself believing there's a way for that to be part of your financial future.
9) Please eat some more vegetables! Prep a day's worth of vegetable snacks and main/side dishes. It's the good fuel your body needs to get through these stressful times.
10) ((((((Lyn)))))

from WebRover at 3FC

Louise said...

The Husband is probably just realising that he can't push you around (ie, control your emotions) any more. Perhaps he's (re)discovering the You that you used to be when you first met?

Also, have you considered that the carb cravings are your body crying out for the things it's not getting any more. Like a child used to getting its own way, it is seriously unhappy about this detox that you're putting it through. Hang in there - "this too will pass". And yeah, as WebRover said, more vegetables. They'll fill you up.

And ((((Lyn))) from me too. :-)

Betsey C. said...

I gotta tell you -- I am jealous of Pioneer Woman too! I have been reading her awesome blog for a long time.

You hit the nail on the head when you focused on your 5 beautiful children. I was never able to have a baby, and it was the one thing I wanted more than anything else in the world. As you said in your post, sometimes life is not fair, but we always have to count our blessings. You have life's greatest gifts, and just think of the bounty of gifts you will have in your future -- grandchildren! Something I will never have.

So, I am as jealous of you as you are of Pioneer Woman! lol So, you keep your chin up, and keep up with your plan to be healthy and fit so that you can dance at your grandchildrens' weddings.

Vickie said...

hugs

moonduster said...

(((hugs)))

My mom wanted to be a stay at home mom, but circumstances meant she had to work. It doesn't make any difference in how much my siblings and I love her.

Lynn Haraldson-Bering said...

{{{lyn}}} back at ya, hon. I'm glad you wrote all that down. It invariably feels better to get it out in the long run, even though it sucks while doing it. Time, babe. It takes time. While time doesn't heal a darn thing, it gives us perspective. And you're doing the work needed to find that perspective. Keep breathing. Keep writing. Feed yourself well. And know we love you.

SeaShore said...

I'm not surprised that you feel like your body is falling apart with all of the stress you have going on right now. Waiting for the "other shoe to drop"... I really feel for you. The anxiety of anticipating something will ramp up your stress levels. I would be very surprised if you weren't in physical distress of some kind. ((hugs))

As for being envious of what someone else has, I've been guilty of that from time to time too. Like you, I'm always quick to count my blessings. Although there is always someone better off, there are also those worse off. And just because someone's blog-life looks perfect, we don't know what stressors that person might have.

Take care of yourself (hugs) again.

Hanlie said...

I read somewhere recently that the grass may look greener on the other side of the fence, but it's probably because of all the "manure". I for one would have loved to have five children...

I'm glad your emptiness has subsided. I felt all along that it was a physical reaction to an emotional emptiness.

We're here for you... Through the good times and the bad.

Anonymous said...

Don't be jealous of that braggart. She's only showing what she wants you to see, all glossy and fake. Sort of like an issue of Martha Stewart Living. Keep it real, Lynne. You will have better days, they are coming! Your honesty, as painful as it is to read, is inspiring.

choosinglosing said...

{{HUGS}}

Good for you for being so honest in journaling all this. It will most likely be extremely benefitial in keeping you mentally sane and nutritionally/health-wise on track.

Hang in there, you'll come out better than you ever knew you could be!

Gigi said...

Your body will definitely say "enough" when faced with the stress you've been under - even if your head is telling you to keep going. It'll even out soon enough.

As to the Pioneer blog - don't believe everything you see. Whenever things look that perfect, there's bound to be a cow pie somewhere.

I know what you mean about getting a life far from what you envisioned. I think it happens to a lot of people - myself included -and being in such good company helps me reconcile it in my mind. That, counting my blessings and being more proactive about changing what I can - which is what you're already doing. Hang in there.

Maggy said...

Thanks for posting. Keep on keeping on. Things will get much, much better. And maybe that perfect man is out there just waiting to meet you.

Blooming Orchid said...

I too, wanted and hoped to be a stay at home Mom. The good Lord and the universe said it wasn't to be so.

I, like you, am making lemonade out of my lemons.

Keep trying. Keep striving. It will get better!

(((hugs)))

spunkysuzi said...

I'm so impressed that you were able to blog about your feelings :) I know that in the long run that will help.
"hugs" sorry i'm never good with words!!

DEBRA said...

Lyn
I am glad you were able to post and that it helped cleanse your heart. We know that there may be bumps in the road and we all deal with them the best we can, and you are too. It's hard to idealize what others may or may not have, but they have their share of heart aches, sorrows and problems too. Nothing in this world is perfect. YOU are doing what is best for you and your children and that in the end is all that matters. Keep going girl!
Debra

Anonymous said...

Lyn...I used to look at other's lives and wish I had theirs instead of mine. But I learned that appearances can be deceptive. Things are never as good as they seem.

For example--a family I know that looks happy and perfect--none would ever know the husband is addicted to Internet porn and pesters his wife to have a 3 way. She is miserable and will probably divorce him when the last child graduates from high school.

Or the family whose kids are grown, they've been married almost 50 years and last year he started desiring a 30 something woman and told his wife. She was shocked and stunned and hurt..and would leave him if she could support herself. And he spends spends spends...from the outside it looks like they are financially set...but they're not..she wonders how they will survive when he can no longer work . They have very expensive cars and people think they are 'rich'..but they are not. And no one knows what misery she deals with.

Or the couple down the street who look picture perfect--he an airline pilot--she model beautiful with 2 beautiful children and lovely house. Well guess what...he had one affair...she forgave and took him back...she just found out he's involved in another one. I think to myself..he has a beautiful wife, inside as well as outside, and he cheats on her. What gives? And no one knows this is going on unless they are privy to 'inside' information.

I could go on and on. I assure you that blog family you saw--they're not perfect either...or if they are today, tomorrow it can all change in a heartbeat..when they least expect it.

Guess I'm saying don't compare your life to others because while you know your whole story you only see theirs in part...and the parts you can't see, well I just bet they 'ain't' pretty.

Karyn said...

Your feelings are absolutely understandable! Writing about them is probably the best thing you can do to free yourself of the negativity.

I do not know one single person whose life has turned out the way they had once envisioned it....I know mine certainly hasn't....so you are not alone in that.

The dark times we have to walk through do not last forever - and they do shape us and strengthen us. You will come out of this a better person - not a bitter person, because of the choices you are making day by day - grace and dignity, being thankful for the blessings you have, sharing your feelings.....Don't give up!

Who knows what joy is in store for you once you have come through this dark time?!

~TMcGee~ said...

Lyn, sometimes, a pity party is in order IF one can pull themselves right back out of it the next day or later on that same day...which you have done. I too get a little envious of "picture perfect" people that I see in everyday life but everyone has a deep (sometimes dark) secret.
You are right to feel upset and angry at what's going on in your life. You DESERVE a man/lover/husband/best friend who treats you with respect but sometimes, we get the poopy end of the deal.
I never like to say stuff like "you will find a better man" or "your love life will pick up and be fine" because none of us know what the future holds.
What I do want to say is this: you may have had "bad luck" with the men in your life but you know, like everyone here can see that you have 5 wondrous blessings that are so incredibly lucky/blessed to have you for a mom.
Just think, those kids could have been born to someone else but God chose you because He knew that those sweet kids would need a super STRONG woman to be their mother.
I admire you so much, Lyn, in fact, I look up to you. And when you fall down (we all do), know that you have at least 20 pairs of virtual hands to help pick you up.
Don't sweat the bagel and cream cheese, you are back in the saddle and that's the beauty in this ride many of us are taking. We may fall off the horse but we can always get right back up and keep going...no failure....just learning.

Much love to you!

Meg said...

I hate blogs like the one you described. No one's life is like that. We all suffer in some way and we all have our regrets. That lady's husband might have a porn habit, we'll never know. People write those things to cheer themselves up or else to rub their perfect life in everybody else's face. Either way stop reading that! You are a lovely person. Things will improve.

Carol said...

OK, this is kind of weird but it relates to your post. I always read the obituary section in the newspaper and when I see a young, pretty woman who passed away (usually cancer), I look at her picture and think to myself that if I saw her on the street I would look at her and assume by her looks that she "had it all", a wonderful life. But how wrong would I be? So as weird as this is, it reminds me that when I measure my life against any one else's life that it usually isn't a fair comparison. You can't control everything in your life but you can control your response to it. You're doing better than you think, just hang in there!

Sheri said...

OK Lyn, we need to cut this out. That mirrored affect is still there. I just turned 40 last summer, and like you my life has never turned out as I had wanted. I also lived your same pity party. At some point over the past year I've found peace. I've been on my own 15 years as a single mom. At first because I pined for the return of the man who left me, then I spent even more time in fear of being hurt again. I felt unworthy, and unable to have a happy relationship, because I believed I there had to be something wrong with me. So much time was wasted trying to find my own defects. I have have had some, but in the end it was he who left me and he who wouldn't communicate what troubled him, and he who messed around. Still I stuggled to find peace in my own skin. I did OK, but with every bit of extreme stress compensated with food and in 15 years when from 150 to 350. Also at some point of the last year my eyes opened up, and a sense of self worth claimed its stake in my soul. I know I am a good woman and I am ready to meet a new man, but not with the same anxiety I had. Not to take care of me, or have a family with, or take over all the stress in my life. I'm ready to meet a man to be with, to love and to share in life with. There is a peacefulness to this new readiness that has lacked since I was abandoned. I believe it's because over these years I have realized I am OK, I can make it through anything that crosses my path, and even if I pick up a few bruises along the way, The Lord will carry me when it all gets to be too much. I like this new sense of peace, and being free of the hurt, anxiety and desperate-like feelings.

Since our paths are so similar, I know you'll get there too. Just take a few extra minutes when the anxiety is taking over and take deep, slow, methodical breaths.

Kimberly said...

When I read your entry in my feed reader I was going to post some soothing and insightful but darn it if everyone ahead of me hasn't already said everything I wanted to say. In short though, don't beat yourself up. You are going through a very difficult time. You slipped. So what! You can get right back up again and keep on moving. Take care of you and don't be so hard on yourself.

Alexia@theonelastthing.com said...

I have periods where I go through "no fair" to remembering what I'm grateful for, too.

The toughest years have, for me, ended up being some of the best years -- especially around spiritual development, in my case. Hang in there. It's hard and it hurts. But we get through it, and we get through it stronger and better.

Hugs.

Kelly said...

Your post just reminded me of how beautiful each and every human is in this world. And yeah, I mean YOU.

My mom relentlessly desires a perfect life like the one you linked to but we are all meant for something different while here and it is much more fun trying to figure out our own uniqueness. I'm 37 myself and sometimes I fall into a funk. Even when I know there are kids starving and women being mutilated in other countries, bless their souls.

What keeps me going is realizing the strength and courage I have to keep doing this day after day anyway.

And hey, if you ever need a break from it all and want to come to Ohio, I have a room just for you.

PS...love could pop out at you at ANY minute in unexpected ways!

Kel

Kelly said...

PSS

I just read thru all the comments before mine and if I ever capture such a loving and supportive audience in my blog over time, I would feel amazingly blessed. So many love you! I love your blog, and I think we all like to read the downers as well as the positive entries only because we all go thru trials.

And I agree with a lot of your readers, I have a feeling the lady with the blog is NOT posting the yucky stuff, why would she if her readers expect perfection? I hate thinking the worst about someone who seems to have a great life, I'd like to say good for you and see what she is doing to materialize that kind of life but instead, I'm going to focus on what makes ME happy and go from there.

What makes you really happy? It's not something women ask themselves enough!

Again, lots of love and support!

Kel

Getting Healthy said...

I just came across your blog. You already have such wonderful comments but wanted to send some hugs and support.

Paula said...

You should never envy somebody else, what looks golden on the outside could be very tarnished on the inside. Somebody might have things you think you want, but they could also have plenty that you would never want in a million years. It's not always what we have been given, but what we have been spared. I have lost two very dear friends to breast cancer, either one of them would be happy to be here and in your shoes if they could. I know you know all that and needed to vent, just don't stay in that "down" spot please.

Carol said...

Lyn.
There is nothing I can say that has not already been said in the above comments. Just want you to know that I too am right behind you and ready to catch you if you fall. It is only through live experiences that we can grow stronger and become better people not only for ourselves but also for others. Your children are blessed to have you as their mother. Take care. Carol

Dani said...

So many others who commented said things so well...so I will just add my (((hugs)))! I have been there...that pang of jealousy over someone else's life. I've been learning that as much as I long for what other's out there have, someone may be longing for something I have. Hold tight girl!! :o)

redballoon said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
redballoon said...

Lyn,
The usual hang in there hug. I just wanted to say that I agree with the comment that said "keep it real." I took a look at that Pioneer blog because you brought it up and it makes me ill. There is something wrong with someone who wants to put everything on view for the world in such a glowing way. Proabably too much Zoloft. No, really, I had a very hard time even gagging around the blog just a little let alone thinking of actually reading it. Ok, Ok, I won't go on. She's probably a lovely woman, but want to be there, NO THANK YOU!! Lyn, YOU'RE our hero!! :)

ryry the adventurous said...

Oh noes, you saw the Pioneer Woman link from my blog didn't you! :(

I'm sorry it made you sad Lyn! Sometimes I get jealous of her too... hahah. Mainly because I want her house. Oh lord, the house!

You are doing awesome. And you're going through what nobody should have to go through. And you have five AMAZING kids who love you. You WIN. I can only hope I have kids as great as yours someday.

<3

SunflowerDaisies said...

I have felt the same way myself. It is very easy to just go ahead and start that pity party, and wallow. But, like you said, you have to pick yourself and start again tomorrow. Blessings!

Juice said...

Sending love and prayers your way. Here's to a FABULOUS 2009!

kilax said...

It's so easy to read about other people's lives on the internet and sometimes feel jealous. I know I feel jealous when others are losing weight and still exercising and I am not! I know it's ridiculous, but I still get that feeling.

You are right, that you have 5 beautiful children, and would never give that up for anything. We are all blessed in different ways. Sometimes it's just hard to realize it!