Yesterday morning, I got off the scale and I wept. I sat and cried, because the scale reflected back to me the obvious truth that I have a very real problem with food. I felt a desperation I have never felt before about my weight. Sure, people mess up. People lose weight and regain some of it and then keep losing again. Being up ten pounds, I could rationalize. Hey, it's just fluids, right? That's what everyone keeps telling me. "Oh, you couldn't gain ten REAL pounds in a couple of days. It has to be water." Fifteen pounds, it started to scare me a little. My low was 214, and once I hit 229 again last week I thought, "hey, this ain't water. This is real, and this is heading in a very bad direction." So I cracked down and worked hard to get some pounds off. Gained a few back, hit 231 on October 1. But we all know, you work hard, it comes back off. I wouldn't be one of those people who eats her way right back to morbid obesity. I am too smart for that... too dedicated. Too strong, too determined. I would never let that happen to me. So I start biking again, start eating healthy, drop a couple pounds.
I had a few days where my efforts were half hearted. Ate a healthy breakfast but then had Arby's for dinner. Matter of fact, the other day I even bought some donuts. I was just dying for some donuts. I bought a dozen and within 2 days I had eaten 6 of them. One night for dinner I ordered pizza, after a whole day of healthy eating. I had two pieces of that pizza, and I left the crust on my plate. Oh I had a few other things, a scoop of low fat ice cream here, a low fat Starbucks latte there. I had a half of a hot dog for lunch once, with a handful of tater tots. I didn't really exercise much.
I got on the scale after a couple of days like that. In FOUR days I gained SEVEN pounds. SEVEN POUNDS. So yesterday when I saw 236 on the scale, I cried. I cried real tears of despair and desperation. It's my fault, I know it. I feel so out of control sometimes. I had the huge wave of panic come over me and I thought, "Oh my god. I am going to be one of those people!! I am almost halfway back to hugeness! I have gained TWENTY TWO POUNDS in TWO months. I have to stop this!! This CANNOT be happening to me."
I spent half the day on the phone and online trying to find a counselor who deals with eating disorders. I found one lady, only one, but her ad said "one free phone consultation." I took her up on it. It went something like this when she called me back:
Therapist: So what is it you need help with?
Me: I think I have an eating disorder. I was really obese for a long time, and then I started counting calories and exercising and I lost 63 pounds...
Me: ...but then I started gaining the weight back. I have gained back 22 pounds already.
Me: I don't know what's happening to me. I try and eat healthy meals but then I start thinking about food, like donuts or chips, and I just want to eat and eat.
Me: I feel like I am driven to overeat, like it's some kind of addiction.
Therapist: Maybe you're not getting enough calories.
Me: Oh, I am getting enough calories. Trust me.
Therapist: Sometimes, when people go on diets, they cut back too much and then their bodies keep telling them to eat.
Me: I eat about 1600 calories a day on a good day, but maybe 3000 or 4000 on a bad day. I wonder if there is something psychological going on that is causing me to want to binge.
Therapist: Oh. Hmmmm.
Me: Do you deal with things like that? Can you help me figure out what is driving me to keep eating like this?
Therapist: Maybe you can go to TOPS. Have you heard of them?
That was about it. She couldn't really help me, and besides, she charges $130 per session. And I have no insurance. So I kept calling around. I might have found a counselor who can talk to me about this stuff. But not until next week.
I feel like something is wrong in my head. Why would any sane person eat themselves back to such a miserable state as morbid obesity? It makes no SENSE. Why would anyone be willing to literally die for a donut? I dunno, I am so angry, so desperate. Like a lot of people before me have been. Like the stories I have heard, of people gaining back the weight. I feel as if something has me by the ankles and I am being dragged back to obesity.
I won't let it happen. I will keep fighting. I have been sticking to the Healthy Habit Challenge like superglue... drinking my water, increasing my green tea... and because of that, I was able to eat far less today. I know if I can HANG ON to the good habits I had before, I will lose the weight again, just like I did before.
I am in the middle of a reconciliation attempt with my husband. I haven't seen him in over a month, but he is coming home for a bit. I am hopeful that him being here will allow me the time I need to do more healthy cooking and to ride my bike and strength train more often. He says he is on board with my weight loss now. We'll see. I also had a mini-crisis regarding my daughter's health. I spent this afternoon at the doctor with her, then to 2 pharmacies, and finally home. We will be making a trip to a larger hospital with her next week. She is doing fine for now.
I did get some good news this week. Some of you remember that in May I had a colposcopy and LEEP procedure to remove a large area of precancerous cells. Earlier this month I went in for a recheck. This week I got the pathology results: NO bad cells, everything looks wonderful! I am so relieved. I do have to get checked every 6 months for awhile to make sure it doesn't come back, but I am just so glad they got it all.
I am pulling out all the stops. I am definitely going to counseling ASAP. I am focusing on two things: drinking lots of water, and NOT eating junk. I hope within a few days I will have a better report. Thanks for caring.
Weekend Of Muddy Puddles
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