Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Can I Walk the Walk?

I talk a lot about how to NOT turn to food in crisis, and binge to stuff down feelings, but can I walk the walk? (This is my second blog post today. I blogged earlier about Gaining in Crisis).

Yeah, I think I am beginning to walk the walk. My nerves are pretty shot with all the *stuff* I have been dealing with lately. Today nearly put me over the edge. I had made arrangements for all my other kids to spend the night at their friends' houses (3 different people!) so that when I left for 2 days to take my daughter to the out-of-town hospital, they wouldn't miss school. My husband had flown in to go with me to the hospital. I had rescheduled everything else so we could leave today for the hospital.

Guess what, I am still at home. The mini-health-crisis my daughter had last week has, in the end, prevented us from going today. We had to reschedule for next week, in the hopes she will be able to go then. So for several hours today, I was in limbo.

Do I pack? Are we going? Should I get her ready? Should we leave now? The hospital is more than 3 hours away. Which doctor or nurse is right when they give me conflicting opinions? How do I make this decision for my daughter's health? Do I cancel the arrangements I already made? Wait? Go? What to do?

I spent a lot of time waiting for various health professionals and schedulers to call me back. Maybe you know the feeling. Panic rising inside you. Anxiety eating away at you. Wanting to eat cupcakes until the phone rings. I started to feel shaky and upset.

I went and got on my stationary bike and rode and rode, with my home phone and cell phone by my side. I rode while I waited, and I rode while I talked to them on the phone. I kept riding while I was on hold. I am sure some of those people wondered if I was dying, as I was out of breath while we spoke. Between calls, I cranked it up and pedaled HARD. I felt scared and desperate, and the tears were welling up. I rode as fast as I could, eyes closed, and the feelings I had were something like this: "run away, run away, run away." I felt like I was pedaling AWAY from my problems. It was cathartic in a way. It was better than stuffing my face. When I was done, I felt better. Not all the way better, but better.

Then when all was said and done, and the appointments were all rescheduled for next week... when I had called all 3 families and explained that I no longer needed my kids to stay with them tonight... when I called and rescheduled all the stuff I had already rescheduled... I was drained. It was done, now all I can do is wait. Suddenly cupcakes were in my head. I wanted to bake cupcakes and eat them until my brains fell out. But I said, "self, you don't wanna do that. You don't wanna stay fat. Walk the walk." I made myself a cup of hot pumpkin spice tea with a bit of agave nectar, and a slice of whole grain toast. I took a couple of Excedrins. I sat down to read blogs and sipped my hot tea. This was my comfort. And while I do not feel 100% better, I do feel 100% better than I would have if I had binged.

25 comments:

45 and Aspiring said...

Good for you! Hang in there. I am trying to let myself feel the pain more often. I call it "mindful keening." Keening being a vocal release of grief like a wail that some cultures do, but ours suppresses. So while I may not be vocal (I'd really like to be), I am trying to allow myself to really feel the grief interally.

Amy Jo said...

My heart aches with you when I'm reading some of your posts. I can't imagine what you are going through; but I do know that you've proven yourself to be a strong woman. I've been reading silently for months, and decided its time to reveal myself! When you were losing steadily, you challenged me. But seeing the struggle you're going through, and the grace with which you handling it, has inspired me.

Anne said...

Over five years since losing the bulk of what I needed to lose, I'm still having trouble with emotions and identifying why I reach for certain foods at times. I know boredom and happiness are two triggers, while stress turns my stomach and I just can't eat. We are all different.

In this case you walked the walk! Well done!

Sherre said...

This is something I definitely need to work on, too -- feeling the feelings. I like the solution you came up with today -- riding the bike.

I so feel for you and your latest challenges (food-related and otherwise) that you so eloquently outline. You are providing inspiration for stranger-friends like myself and I only wish I had something to offer back to you.

I'm going to keep "walk the walk" in my mind and will hope to do as well as you did today with that.

Pubsgal said...

(((virtual hug))). Way to hang in there, Lyn. You're going through a lot right now; don't know if it helps, but there are a lot of us out here rooting for you.

Bethany said...

*Hugs* You are going thru a lot right now and I am amazed at how well you are handling it. I don't know if any of us would do so well. Just the fact that you are taking stock of yourself at a time when a lot of us would be completely zoned out means that you are growing more in tune with yourself. I hope things improve for you very soon.
~Bethany

Caylyn said...

Wow, thank you so much for sharing your honest emotions. Know that we are all thinking about you, I'm sure that's very encouraging. I am proud of the decisions you've made and the way have been looking into the motives behind what you do (and eat); it really motivates me.

Pamela said...

I am so sorry that you and your family are having to go through this difficult time. My heart and prayers go out to you. You should be proud, however, for how you handled today. You're an inspiration to me. Take care!

happyfunpants said...

YAY for you! I am so happy that you, in the face of things that would be a lot of people's worst fears, did something for YOURSELF. Sometimes I think we're so busy helping others that we forget that binging isn't really helping ourselves - it feels like it - and oh how good it feels at first...but in the end, the humiliation, the shame, and the self loathing come.

I, too, am learning to love myself during times of happiness, stress, adversity, unlove, and success. It's a tough thing to do. But what you're doing? You're teaching yourself that YOU matter.

And you do, Lyn. You do.

Keep on lovin'. You're worth it.

:),
Anne

Karyn said...

first of all, I am so sorry your little girl has health problems - it is so scary to not be able to control and protect a child from illness. I pray for her and for you and the rest of your family as you deal with this worry.

Secondly, I'm so proud of you! I can just imagine how stressed you were today, and yet you managed to change your response to that anxiety! That is HUGE!!! And you did it twice!

MizFit said...

**virtual hug** and literal cheer from my desk at that final sentence.

xo xo,

Miz.

Melzie said...

What a draining day, but what a wonderful end (your last thought.) Good for you for trying to find a way to ease teh stress, biking, but also for not buckling. Though, I probably would have, and rode teh bike while I ate. I like your motto walk the walk. Gotta put it up with me other "go get ems!"

Sheri said...

Do you hear that? The crowd is cheering loudly at this day of success! Way to go! You have proven to yourself that you are strong, and stronger than the drive of temptation. You are a fighter, and you will succeed in the face of adversity. This is a day to keep in the forefront of your mind so that when you experience tougher weaknesses you can say to self, "remember when....well if you did it then you can do it again."

Way to go Lyn!!!

~TMcGee~ said...

I'm so sorry for what you are going through, I don't even know all the details but I read the pain in some of your posts. I'm glad that you resisted the cupcakes and embraced a new method of dealing with the turbulent times you are going through. I'll be praying for you and your family.
God bless,
Faith

Vickie said...

the AFTER the crisis is my vulnerable time - I have to be on alert - I seem to get through the crisis part - but the after the crisis - when I let my guard down is tough.

Exercise bike was an EXCELLENT idea.

Scale Junkie said...

Tea has been my saving grace so many times. I can relate to your desire to drown it all with food because I struggle with it daily and yes we have to walk the walk. Great post.

Juice said...

Wow - what a great post. Thanks for sharing. You are an inspiration!

elife said...

What a scary time for you. I'm sorry that you're going through all of this. But WOW for getting on the exercise bike!!

Thanks for your sweet note on my blog, it meant a lot. I am fine - my (%#%NEW^$*^)laptop died and is hopefully being fixed.

Hide those cookies said...

I'm sending you telepathic hugs. I can't imagine how stressed out and frightened you must be. Well done avoiding cupcakes with all this going on. You're my hero!

deanna said...

That's what I call dealing with a very stressful situation - very successfully ! WAY TO GO!!!

new*me said...

good for you Lyn. There is always a solution to binging if you just look for it! Proud of you ;)

Dinah Soar said...

Sorry you're going through so many difficult things right now...congrats on walking the walk..it's not easy to do and you deserve a lot of credit..you go girl!

bbubblyb said...

I'm sorry you are going through so much right now. But way to go on riding that bike through all that pain, fear, anxiety and stress. You should feel so proud of yourself. I hope things go ok with your daughter next week. *big hug*

PaulaMP said...

You're really hanging in there, that's wonderful!

Ceres said...

This is such a great response to your troubles! You are an inspiration, but I've already said that countless times already :-)