Wednesday, September 3, 2008

The Consequences of Overeating

Sometimes I think I miss the foods that made me fat. I think about them fondly, like old friends. I really had a great time eating whatever the heck I wanted for awhile there... for years, really. It was kind of fun to just buy and eat anything I felt like eating. Fudge, cake, candy, cookies, all day long. Six Snickers if I wanted them. No parents to tell me "no." It was a five-year-old's dream come true.

Only I am not five. And it was no dream come true. It made me fat and miserable. Eating all that stuff might have FELT like freedom, but it was bondage. It kept me in a cage of immobility, physically and emotionally. It made me sad.

I remember when I used to sit and wonder what I could make that would be indulgent. I usually wasn't even hungry, but I was always looking for something completely rich and sinful to eat. I did things like look up how to make the sandwich that killed Elvis: the fried peanut-butter-banana-and bacon sandwich fried in BACON GREASE and BUTTER. Yes I made those and ate them. I would take a bite, think about it, feel the grease in my throat and take another bite. It wasn't that good, but I WANTED it to be good. I WANTED to like it, so I kept eating it, trying to make it taste as good as my imagination had been. Down the gullet it went. I would try anything. If I had seen this Bacon Chocolate bar back then I surely would have ordered a case of them. And if I couldn't find anything yummy to eat, I would make something up. Sometimes I would melt butter in a pan and fry some flour tortillas in it, then sprinkle them with cinnamon sugar and eat them, JUST to get the sugar/fat fix I wanted. Oh it was always eat, eat, eat. What kind of life is that??

So I might miss the indulgence sometimes, but it's more like I miss the THOUGHT of being able to indulge. Whenever I try and get back on plan, I think of all the foods I won't be able to have, and I go bonkers trying to eat them all "just one last time." Gotta have that Sbarro's pizza, cause I can't have it anymore when I am trying to lose weight. Better go have some cake, cause it might be awhile before I have it again. Need to have a Cinnabon, and a soft pretzel with cheese, and a Big Mac meal, cause once I start losing weight again I can't have that stuff. Nevermind that I have eaten enough of that stuff in my lifetime to feed thirty people. Forget that I know EXACTLY how each of those foods taste because I have eaten them so often. I have to go eat them all NOW, right? Because I might not get to have them for a couple of months, and that would be tragic.

Well, I don't miss my body being blown up like a balloon with 100+ pounds of excess FAT. I don't miss being bloated from the overload of salt and sugar. I don't miss having my face all greasy and broken out with zits because I ate so much crap. I don't miss hobbling everywhere I went, and I don't miss having heartburn so bad every night that I had to eat Tums like candy and sleep propped up on pillows to prevent stomach acid and half-digested food from coming up my throat in my sleep, causing me to wake up choking and gagging from the acid burning in my throat. I do NOT miss the consequences of eating like that. I have no place in my life for that kind of eating anymore.

I am down another pound to 223. I ate healthy foods today. I was desperately craving walnuts and dark chocolate, so I got some nice big walnut halves and a few dark chocolate chips from the bulk bins at the health food store and had a nice snack. It was satisfying. I feel good. I biked, and I lifted weights. I am about to go out for a short walk.

This life is better than the old life. I am not going back to that. Not ever.

22 comments:

Chellie has Issues said...

I know what you mean exactly! I feel like I was more fun for other people to be around when I ate whatever I wanted and didn't care. My friend roll their eyes at me now and get annoyed when I won't order what they do or eat the food they brought to the party. But I cannot live my life for them, I need to for me and my family. I love the healthy changes you made toward your life in ALL areas.

Ceres said...

I miss indulging in some foods too, especially sweets. I try not to banish them from my diet completely (I'm afraid of a backfire), but instead try to learn to eat them in moderation.
Good job about one more pound off and getting some exercise. I know that you'll get back to new lows very soon, just keep doing what you've been doing :-)

Dawn said...

I can totally relate to you on having heartburn so bad you wake up choking. That is acid reflux and over time it can be deadly. I have it, too, but I don't get it as much as I used to because I'm eating better and losing weight. My dad had it for years (he wasn't overweight at all, it was caused from something else) and he got esophagus cancer and died. It is something that I think a lot of people have but they don't realize how serious it can be. I'm glad you don't get it anymore. That is just another bonus of losing weight and becoming more healthy.

new*me said...

I remember doing the same things not too long ago. Food possessed my thoughts at all times. It odd when the click happens, and food is just that ....food, something to nourish you, fuel you, not kill you. I'm with you, I don't want that ever again!

Glad you made it another day!

Fat Lazy Guy said...

I used to do that all the time. Every time I made a declaration of weight loss, I'd take a few days eating all the things I'd never be able to eat again. Of course on the day that I was suppose to start my weight loss journey, there would be left overs, and I'd have to eat them because you can't waste food. And because I've had something bad, I might as well throw the whole day away. And because the first day failed, I might as well throw away the whole week. And once that next week comes, I'd rather be safe in what I know.

It wasn't until I realised I didn't have to give up everything that I was able to start and keep up my weight loss.

Joy's Journey in Weightloss said...

I think it is important to grieve the loss of the foods that no longer support our health goals. I feel so betrayed by sugar, that I just won't go there. It literally is like a friend that I will never have in my life again, because of their gut wrenching betrayal. Sugar took my opportunity to have a pregnancy. I will never experience a child growing inside of me because sugar completely destroyed my hormonal balance. That junk food has stolen from you. Good for you to choose a different path.

Bethany said...

Oh my, this is exactly what I would do. I would go out and get all the things that I loved before I would start my "diet." The only problem was, I kept putting off the diet part. So I kept indulging and indulging...I was acting like a spoiled child too, eating everything just because "I WANT IT!" So glad that you and I have gotten past that completely self-indulgent phase where we can be healthier.
~Bethany

dietgirl said...

Oh my goodness fab post... I can so relate to that feeling. I don't miss how I felt after taking a few bites but I miss the planning and the feeling of escape and oblivion sometimes :)

Donna B said...

Thanks for all your posts! Sounds like my past life in so many ways. It took me years (about 30 to be exact) to finally realize I can eat ANTYHING I want, as long as I portion it out and count the calories. Some things I miss having more often than Iwould like, but most of the times I feel so much better physically, that I don't miss them at all! Keep up the good work!

Hide those cookies said...

I miss the way it used to feel to indulge, but now that I've been working at it this long, I can't get those feelings back, even when I try. It's like I didn't no any better or anything before.

I agree with Chellie, too. Sometimes my friends are annoyed by my changes.

Keep up the good work!

tjones said...

Glad to see your getting back on track and the scale is moving in the right direction. I know what you mean on the "ELVIS" sandwiches I now make a healthier version of it now of course on a rare occasion. Keep up the great work.

ryry the adventurous said...

Oh my god... the idea of having to be propped up by pillows and fighting acid reflux is an absolutely terrifying image. I can't believe you went through that.

As always, a fantastic piece of writing, Ms. Lyn.

Natasha said...

I've been to that place of eating everything "for the last time" way too many times! I too used to try to make the most decadent foods, because I could. I too don't want to do that anymore and don't miss the nights proped up on pillows.

Yay to eating healthy and caring about ourselves!

lcinsunnysocal.wordpress.com said...

I've so been there. My religious tradition is approaching a holiday (the New Year) and one question I've been asking myself in preparation for that season is 'What enslaves you". To find your post this morning gave me food for deep thought and self examination.

Thank you for being such a diligent blogger..it's making a difference! I have a blog where I talk about my weight, but it's talking to just myself, I'm not brave enough to put it all out there! My "other" blog is more about less personal things.

Lost Half of Me said...

Great post! Sometimes I miss all the yummy things I used to eat without a care in the world about calories, but then I remember how good I feel now, and I won't ever go back! I was just sitting the other day thinking about what a "typical" daily menu was like before I made the changes in my life, and while it didn't seem odd back then, now I wonder what the heck I was thinking. I drive my husband nuts at times because I'm so anal about counting calories (i.e. I count out my fresh baby carrots, etc.) and although it can get old at times to be in the calorie mindset all the time, its a small price to pay for having a much better quality of life.

Lynne said...

way to stay on plan! You are SO worth it!!

~Crystal said...

Yuck...chocolate bacon...gross! Anyway, good job on not giving in with the walnut and choc. fix...you did the right things by having a sample of them. It could have been much worse.

I have a huge sweet tooth and it's always my biggest downfall. But if you know anything about Weight Watchers, you know that you can have anything as long as you count it in your points. I love mint choc. & Yorks Peppermint Patties have been my life savers...only 3 points and I could eat one every day if I wanted...but I don't. :0)

Heather said...

congrats on the pound! and I know what you mean..I enjoyed being able to eat what I wanted, when I wanted it. and sometimes i do miss that, but I also dont miss the feelings of guilt, shame, and disgust I had afterwards. its those feeling that I remember and it helps keep me away from the doritos,etc.

Dinah Soar said...

That's the problem most of us have---we fail to connect the dots. Yep, those indulgences taste good going down--but we forget how awful we feel later--the physical discomfort as well as the emotional.

Somehow we have to connect those dots--burn them into our thinking...whatever it takes.

Facing reality--that the moment of pleasure we have in the indulgent eating will only yield a lifetime, possibly, of pain--is the order of the day.

Perhaps if we write ourselves reminder notes, put them where we can see them and be forced to read them--that perhaps might help correct our thinking.

Dealing in truth is one of the keys to long term changes regarding our health and our weight. Until we quit lying to ourselves and deal in truth--the whole truth--not much will change long term.

Honi said...

I know exactly what you mean .. I miss the freedom.. I was talking about that in my blog today .. but I also love the control. I love when I control the food intake.. and I love when I exercise I feel good.. not doing these things make me feel bad.. yet sometimes I still remain clueless and do not stick with my plan..thats why i am looking so forward to going back on the Healthyweight for EveryBody program again.. Routine.. program.. class I do well in those environments.. and I can likewise do well with out them.. however since losing mom.. I find I really need the extra support now.. I frustrate myself more often than not! but I do know that those healthy changes .. make for a world full of feeling better..

Arachne said...

"This life is better than the old life. I am not going back to that. Not ever. " I am with you Lyn. I not going back either. I would rather die.

Karyn said...

I have been in the "diet" mindset for so many years I don't remember ever being able to eat something indulgent without feeling guilty. Not that I didn't indulge (often) just that I lived with guilt all the time.

I had a friend once who lost alot of weight and I've never forgotten something she said to me at the time (wish I could have implemented it sooner, but....)
She said:

"NOTHING tastes as good as being slim feels."

something that keeps coming back to me and often helps me.