Wednesday, August 20, 2008

A Winning Moment

My whole kitchen smells of cocoa. But it's not for the reason you think. Oh yes, I did have a moment of weakness, while trying to fight PMS on this, my THIRD Coke-free day. (Not only Coke-free, but caffeine-free and soda-free entirely!) I was sitting here contemplating, aka worrying/stressing, about bringing up an issue with my husband. Suddenly I was in the kitchen, whipping up a single-serving of brownie batter for myself. (Since when is 1/4 stick of butter + 1/4 CUP of sugar with cocoa and flour a SINGLE serving??) I was standing there mindlessly mixing it together and eating it. Suddenly, as I ate the last bite, I felt this wave of nausea. No, I didn't hurl. But I felt SO SICK. I took advantage of that moment of brownie-batter-aversion and went through the cabinets, getting out TWO mostly-full containers of cocoa. Muttering, "stupid cocoa, this has to stop," I dumped them into the sink and started spraying them down the drain. (I knew if my husband saw cocoa in the trash he would have a conniption fit, so the drain seemed like a good idea). Well, it kind of takes awhile to spray that much cocoa down the sink, especially with dirty dishes in there. You end up with a whole lot of chocolate water. But eventually it went down, leaving my kitchen with a residual smell of chocolate cake.

When I was finished, I went back into the baking cabinet to be sure I got all the cocoa. I found a box of semi-sweet baking chocolate squares, and I (gasp) THREW THEM AWAY.

See, the thing is, I have craved brownie batter for ages. I cannot count the number of times I have eaten bowls of batter like that... sometimes even most of a recipe. I realized that brownie batter, brownies, chocolate cake, and chocolate frosting are MAJOR, huge trigger foods for me. Yeah, in fact I HAVE eaten 1/3 of a recipe of chocolate frosting straight from the bowl and then not had enough to thickly frost a cake. And yes in the past I have made a "single serving" (aka 1/4 recipe) of chocolate frosting just so I could sit and eat it straight from the bowl. NO MORE. It has to stop. So the cocoa is gone. And it will remain gone until one of my kids requests a chocolate cake for their birthday. Now if I want brownie batter, too bad. Buck up and get over it.

That was my victory for today. I did something that is going to really make things better for me, and I am proud of myself. I have eaten healthy today other than the brownie thing, and I feel good, and no way am I going back to Coke and all that stuff. I guess if we do one little thing to improve our lives every day, it will make a huge difference over time.


spunkysuzi said...

You go girl!! It takes a lot of inner strength to throw it all away ;) I find when i don't have it in the house it's a lot easier to either not have anything or at least have something that's healthier!!

Linda said...

Kicking cocoa's carcass!

Way to go! I'm so frugal sometimes that it kills me to throw away (waste - ACK!) food. But I've done it before and hope to never have to do it again. You overcame a HUGE obstacle today!

PS - kudos to you on the NO caffeine. I can't/won't part with my coffee.

Anonymous said...

You're coke is my ice cream! I fight it and even if I buy skinny cow I eat the whole thing. I'm going tohave to just cut it out altogether. ((hugs))

Once Upon A Dieter said...

Your coke is my pizza. Your choco batter is my cheese puffs.

I've had four cans of premium cocoa here for months and months. I bought them for hot cocoa, but I only crave hot cocoa once in a while. Some cans I've given as gifts (Scharffen Berger is yumsy cocoa). But since I hate baking, I'm not tempted to make something delicious.

For me, it's the cheesy stuff that's huge triggers--cheese pizza, cheese enchiladas, cheese quesadillas, cheese lasagna, cheesy baked ziti, blue cheese on salad or steak, gorgonzola cheese on salad or pasta. If it's got cheese, I want it.

We all have things that make us go nuts. Sucks, but you're learning that having it in the house is DANGEROUS. We all have to face that. More than one "diet doctor" says it, too: keep trigger foods away from the house.

It's tough, huh?

Wishing you the best as you recover from a bad patch.

The P

Mimosa Faith said...

I just want to let you know that you inspire me. I am probably you 20 years ago. You can check out my blog at

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Mimosa Faith

Heather said...

great job! just keep taking it a day at a time.

Anonymous said...

I don't mean to offend or upset you, but I'm having a real problem with all this food being thrown away. Can you give it to a food bank? There are so many people who are hungry and who need to eat, even if it's sweets, I'm sure some little kids would like a treat?

Lyn said...


No offense taken! Especially since I used to BE one of those people who were hungry and my little kids needed to eat, so we went to the food bank. I sure appreciated the generosity of those who donated, and now that my life is stable I am sure to donate things like canned goods whenever I can. However, our Food Bank will not accept items that are opened. So that was not an option.

Also, I am a firm believer that the real "waste" of food is putting it into our bodies when we don't need it, and when it is actually doing us harm. I look at the pictures of me at 278 pounds, and I see a lot of wasted food. Personally, I would rather see someone take a moment of clarity and throw away a bag of peanut butter cups to help themselves on their weight loss journey, than have them feeling guilty about throwing them away, so they save them for when they have time to go to the food bank, and then they end up eating them later that night in a moment of weakness.

For me, I had to get over that ingrained guilt for not cleaning my plate. I had to realize that even though there are starving children in Africa, they are not going to be any better off if I eat my daughter's leftovers than if I throw them in the trash. I had to stop treating my body like a human trash can. And sometimes, that means throwing the food away.

Anonymous said...

That is an amazing step you took! Congratulations. I've just recently started reading your blog and I am so impressed by how you just get right back on track after you have a problem/binge. Even if you have a gain, as long as you catch yourself and get back in the groove you are doing a great thing for yourself! Keep it up--you are doing great!

SeaShore said...

Good for you!!

themarlatts said...

Yeah for you on throwing it away! I'm saw your response to the person saying to donate the food, and I agree with you 100%. That's actually why I clicked comment in the first place. I totally have to remind myself that eating more than I need is just as wasteful as throwing it away!

Twix said...

High FIVE!!!

Did he say anything when he got home and smelled chocolate I know mine would have! said...

Wow! Are you my long lost twin? I just posted recently about my Diet Coke addiction and I certainly love batter and frosting (better than the baked finished cake by far). Inspiring. We can do this! :-)

Joy's Journey in Weightloss said...

WAY TO GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Great start with small wins like giving up the coke! You will build more and more confidence. You are going to do this!!!!!!!!!!!

ryry the adventurous said...



I totally had an episode last night where I thought I was on the road to a binge of somekind. If I don't have my 3pm snack, I am STARVING! But I thought of you and your resolve, and while I didn't eat -totally- healthy, the dangerous binge was avoided. HOORAY FOR RESOLVE!

And damn that cocoa! At least the house will smell nice for a couple of days...hehe.

Lynne said...

You are getting a hold of yourself in the best way! Keep it up!

Anonymous said...

I am a total chocoholic too! It think it takes a lot of willpower to slam on the bakes mid-munching, and throw everything out! That was the best thing you could have done.

Now you just have to deal with the smell of cocoa in the kitchen...oh boy... that must be tough! Time to bust out the Yankee Candle (perferably not the sugar cookie scented one). That smell would really get me going!

Keep up the great work girlie! We are all rooting for you!! =)

Hide those cookies said...

Good for you!

My issue is cookies. If I make them, I eat half the dough. If I buy them, I go positively apeshit.

Awesome job pitching the cocoa!

Dinah Soar said...

I overdosed one time on chocolate peanut butter cookies--they were so rich and I was sick after eating 4 of them. I printed up a reminder--"Remember when you got sick overeating peanut butter cookies?" and put it on my fridge. Honestly--just thinking about the experience creates enough of an aversion that it makes me afraid to even bake those cookies...I equate eating those cookies to being sick. And it makes me think twice about overeating anything very rich.

I've read about some aversion therapies where a person who has cravings for a particular food are given the food and told to eat as much of it as they want.

In one case, a child, who was addicted to M&M's was given a huge pillowcase full--the parent was told to keep the pillowcase filled so that the child would know that there was an endless supply and that he'd never run out of them--they'd always be there.

Initially the child carried that pillowcase around eating eating huge amounts of the candy, which the parent was instructed to replace so that the pillow case was always full. The parent called the therapist concerned that the therapy was not working because the kid was eating and eating those M&M's with no end in sight. The therapist told her to give it time.

A couple of days later after consuming several pounds of M&M's the child quit eating them and is no longer addicted to them because he knows they will be there--that he can have all he wants.

(The parents of that child had restricted his eating--put a lot of emphasis on weight, health and such--- and the very act set him up to desire those forbidden foods disproportionately and he gained a lot of weight. Obviously the parents created this problem. Some might think the answer would be for the parent to just not buy the kid M&M's...that would have solved the problem functionally and physically---but the mental issue would still be in operation.)

Sometimes, just the act of restricting or limiting a food and the guilty feelings that accompanying eating that food causes us to crave it abnormally.

And the act of eating that food until it makes us sick creates an aversion to it.

Considering all this, since reading Intuitive Eating and taking into account some of the psychological dynamics of overeating makes me think mental issues really do play a role in our weight issues. The degree may vary from person to person.

Giving credence to the fact that there may be emotional issues at play in our eating habits could give us some insight as to why we do what we do.

My binges may be smaller than your binges..but they are binges none the less..and I'm just realizing that I do binge...which is always followed by remorse, guilt, regret, and figurative and literal purging and resolve to do better. I've realized that this response is only a temporary fix and not addressing the core issue. Discovering what is going on in my head, I think, will go much further in the long run for long term success. Mind you---I'm not saying we don't have to monitor our food intake--I do and I use the Intuitive Eating hunger scale instead of counting calories--but monitoring our food intake is only part of the "fix".

L. Jo said...

For me, learning to trust that my emotions won't kill me if I will sit with them has been key to getting past my need to eat to medicate my emotions. What do you think of this?

BikiniMe said...


Brownies are to you what Peanut M&M's are to me. I can't eat just one .. or ten ... or even a small "single serving" bag. I had to just cut them out of my life, possibly forever. And I've been broken up with them now for quite a while, maybe over a year. Everytime I think about having Peanut M&M's, my mind immediately skips to the aftermath of eating Peanut M&M's -- the overfull, bloated feeling, the self-disgust -- and I certainly don't want to go there.

I guess I've also learned to recognise that, for me, a craving for Peanut M&M's is really a signal of emotional avoidance -- what is going on that I don't want to deal with? If I'm craving Peanut M&M's, then I know to look for what is triggering the craving. Because, to me, Peanut M&M's are never about enjoying the peanutty chocolate deliciousness encased in a hard candy shell. They have (almost) always been my favorite over-the-counter Valium.

Anonymous said...

Well done.

I have a question - are you a fan of other blogs re losing weight? It's just that I read a lot of blogs, and I see that you have some great supporters who leave you wonderful comments, but I never see your name in their comments sections. Likewise many blogs list you in their blogroll, but you don't have a blogroll. Maybe I'm just not reading the ones you comment on ...

new*me said...

so proud of you Lyn. BIG moment!!! I gave a bunch of stuff to my sis' family when I started. I just couldn't throw it out but I understand sometimes you just have to go with the moment! And go, you did! Cocoa beware ;)

Larissa Bertani said...

Sucess for you.


Lyn said...

Anonymous, (different one!)

Yes, I am a fan of other weight loss and health blogs. I have a list of about 20 blogs that I keep up with and comment on regularly (as much as I have time for with 5 kids), so I am sorry if I missed yours. I have made some really wonderful friends here, some of whom have stood by me for months, and I so appreciate ALL the comments that people take the time to leave for me. It is a source of great inspiration. I read every one, and save some for weeks just to re-read and get me thorugh tough spots.

Maybe I will address this in a post. Thanks for asking!

bbarndogz said...

Hello there, I'm new to reading blogs and just started reading yours. I really like yours a lot, you are an inspiration to me and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for that:o)

I've noticed in several posts you comment about COKE. I LOVE COKE too! The more I stay away from it the easier it is for me, once I cave, I cave big:o) On that note I thought I would send you an article that explains in detail what your body goes through when you drink a coke. (I'm sure this goes with any type soda)It's from Dr.Mercola's website. Lots of interesting reading there. Hope this helps a bit. Nancy

Lyn said...


what a fascinating little article. I am definitely going to try that next time I want a binge. I have "sat" with my feelings before and it is very uncomfortable for me but when I get through it, I do feel better.


Ah. I did something similar once. I will have to blog about it! It involved large amounts of cookie dough...

I was able to find the Coke article you named there by googling it, and it was really interesting. Thank you. (Coke is a drug!)