Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Getting Control Back

In my last post, I admitted that I have been eating like crazy for the past week. I had not exercised and had gotten completely out of my good habits and was just going around inhaling everything I could think of.

So now I am in the midst of tuning things around. I think until I get my feet back under me, I will post a little update each day, telling how I did that day. Even if I post on a different topic, I will stick my little update in there at the end. Hey, if I know I have to post my food here for all to see, I might think twice about giving in.

So here is how today went.

I had a healthy breakfast: my standard Kashi waffle with 1T peanut butter and a handful of fresh blueberries, with iced green tea. Yes, I actually went into the kitchen and brewed up my green tea. I usually keep a big jug of it in the fridge, but with all the Coke and junk drinks this week, I had let this habit lapse. No more! My tea is all brewed and chilled, and I drank about 6 cups today.

I went to the mall, then, to take my daughter for portraits. It was great! We had a lot of fun. Guess what her favorite mall food is? Sbarros pizza... which she requested immediately after pictures. [Side note: my daughter has some health issues. She is quite skinny for her age as well. I caught heck from her nutritionist about 10 days ago, who told me I needed to switch her back from 2% to whole milk, start buttering her vegetables, add Carnation Instant Breakfast to all her milk, and make her more CAKES. WTH! I about bit my tongue in half trying not to scream, "WHAT school of nutrition did YOU go to? On what planet is SUGAR, BUTTER, and CAKE a good nutritional choice??" So this has made me somewhat conflicted, as I usually make the family meals low fat, with light cheeses, etc. And I felt guilty for not giving her enough fat or whatever. But I figure I can compromise. I did switch her back to whole milk but I am giving her nut butters, olive oil, and healthier baked goods like banana bread. But yeah, when this child, who is tiny and hardly eats, asks for pizza or spaghetti or whatever, I try and give it to her.] So we headed to SBarros. I love Sbarros. If SBarros was a person I would marry it. I usually get one piece of pizza, a breadstick, and a large Coke. But I got the pizza and a side salad and water instead.

So after lunch I realized I had to watch my calories for the rest of the day. I did great. I drank tea and water, and when I finally got hungry around 4, I had a dish of fresh watermelon.

I also got on my exercise bike and rode for 30 minutes.

My husband (who, yes, is still in the house, probably for another 3 weeks) decided to make dinner (which I appreciated). He made waffles with Low Fat Bisquick (because that is all I buy), and bacon. I had 2 waffles topped with berries, 2 bacon, and I cooked myself an egg in a nonstick skillet because I was dying for protein. I drank green tea.

So at this point I had a relatively "better" day. Much better than the rest of the week. Then my brain had some kind of withdrawal crisis. All I could think of was COKE. I swear that stuff is addictive. I was almost pacing for it. I made an excuse to go get milk, and I was off on a typical binge run. My eyes glazed over and I went into nutso mode. I bought:
A 20-ounce Coke
a 99 cent bag of chips
a 2-pack of Grandma's Chocolate Cookies, and
a WHOLE BOX of 4 Dove Ice cream bars

I hate writing about this. It really kicks me in the gut. But I hope it will keep me from doing it tomorrow. Anyway, I got the goods into the car. I did not want to sit in the parking lot snarfing it all, because someone I know (my luck, someone who noticed and complimented me on my weight loss recently) would see me. I drove to the park, scoped out a relatively quiet spot, and tore into it. It was SAD. Just sad I tell you. I felt pathetic. I knew I was doing it.

Well, I ate a Dove bar. Then I opened the chips and Coke. I was sitting there eating them and I thought about how it would look if someone I knew walked up to the car and saw me with all this junk food, surrounded by wrappers, chocolate smeared on my lips. Geez. In a moment ('split second') of sanity I grabbed the chip bag and smashed it to bits in my hands. I had eaten maybe 7 chips out of there, and I totally annihilated everything in that bag. If I wanted anymore chips it would be greasy crumbs. I set the bag aside.

I was sipping the Coke a bit, and got out the 2-pack of cookies. I started eating one. I got about halfway through one cookie, had another split second of sanity and smashed them with my hands, inside the package. I set it aside and sipped the Coke. "I have to get out of this place," I thought, and I didn't mean the park either. I opened another Dove bar and ate it. I sipped the Coke. I stared at the remaining 2 Dove bars. In a split second of sanity I threw everything into a bag, jumped out of the car (glancing every which way for anyone who might see me) and with great stealth, made it to a trash can and stuffed the bag inside. I felt such relief. You don't know how easy it would have been to finish off those 2 Dove bars. And I so wanted to take that Coke home with me. I had only drank about 6 ounces of it. Yes, I threw away an almost-full, perfectly bubbly bottle of COKE. And 2 Dove bars, 1 1/2 smashed cookies and 3/4 of a bag of decimated potato chips. Then I took a short walk, and went home.

That was my day. I feel better. I know tomorrow will be BETTER.

43 comments:

ranaesheart said...

Thank you for the honesty of your post; it is the true picture of what an ED is. And, CONGRATULATIONS for being the victor and throwing the rest away!!! YEAHHH YOU!!!

Have you isolated the emotion that drives this behavior? Mine was sadness, loneliness and insecurity. I found it helpful to make a list of "what to do in case of an emergency" ... like call my dearest friend or read my journal for the things I am grateful for (to cancel out sadness), drive to a friend's house or go to the library or museum (to cancel out loneliness), read positive motivation, watch positive videos on you-tube or say positive affirmations (to cancel out loneliness).

Best wishes for facing this so bravely!!! You'll be better prepared the next time this monster comes to visit!
(((Hugs))) Ranae

ranaesheart said...

that last "loneliness" should have been to cancel out insecurity .. oops ...(it's late ... loll)

KG said...

I just want to give you hug. I don't think I've left a comment yet, but I am here with you every post of the way.

Your posts inspire me and remind me that I am not the only one - thinking of hoarding food, going on a binge run. I admire your strength and courage and honesty.

I've just recently gained back 20 lbs that I worked so hard to lose, and now I am back, fighting hard to stay sane, stay binge free.

I want victory for you badly, because that means that if you win, if you succeed, so can I. It's a daily battle for me...I often wonder -at what point in our weight lose journey will we be able to quiet the voices, the negative inner-dialogue?

(raising my water glass) here's to a better effort today, and here's to an even better effort tomorrow!

new*me said...

once again thanks for your honesty. It must be so hard staying focused when your life feels like it's crumbling all around you. I so wanted to stay married to my first husband.....I loved him......he didn't want that life anymore and it destroyed me. I understand how going through stress like that can mess you up in a big way. Rise above it. You deserve better.

Once Upon A Dieter said...

Gosh, I've been there! I've had smaller binges this week--two of them, and no junk food per se (no ice cream, cookies, etc). But still the very same out of control, spaced-out sort of eating.

Feeling unwell has a lot to do with it. I associate feeling unwell with a need for mom's cooking--I want food to make me feel better!

But I end up feeling WORSE, cause it's so...immature. So...undisciplined. Sigh.

I feel your pain.

I also feel, like you, that it's always a new moment to get it together and move on, start fresh, do better.

I wish a beautiful new day for you.

And I totally agree with your decision re: daughter. The recommendations for adding a lot of unhealthful foods and fats is crazy. You can simply give her what you've planned-more food that's BETTER, not more food that's WORSE.

Hugs,
The Princess

Louise said...

that stuff *is* addictive. Sugar *is* a drug. You are not weak or pathetic; it's not about "willpower" - you are simply addicted to sugar.

leaving aside the emotional stuff attached to eating, try switching the sugar drug for something else. My favourite is to eat an apple. Many apples, if necessary. Eventually the brain gets the message, and sanity is restored.

Going outside for a walk helps too.

Stay strong (and keep posting)

Joy's Journey in Weightloss said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Joy's Journey in Weightloss said...

You're killing me with wanting to marry a pizza. I know, it is that good! We all go through those binge times. You stopped yourself mid stream which is a huge success. We think that the sugar will be our shelter in times of stress. It did not support you, it is not your friend. Take extraordinary care of yourself. You have accomplished so much. You've got this and tomorrow, you will rock it!

Oda Mae said...

Yesterday I went into town with a friend to shop. There was a new chocolate store - homemade truffles. I decided to be 'good' and only get three little ones for later at home with a cup of tea. Somewhere in the next two hours, I lost them. So I would have been right with you! Thanks for this page and sharing your experiences. It's been invaluable to me and a real inspiration.

Anonymous said...

An every day reader but the first time I have commented and all I can say is thank you. Thank you for sharing but more importantly for allowing us to realize we are not alone with the issues we go through. To have someone put into words the fight we have to contend with every day does so much to boost our confidence and willpower. It is only through people like you that we can address our issues and really make changes for the better. You are doing so much more for so many people than you will ever realize.
Thank you for being you. C.

emzeegee & the hungry three said...

Another day, and a few more (((hugs))).

M

Roxie said...

I admire your honesty and your willingness to share your story. I'm sorry to hear that you are going through such a tough time, but you've shown great strength of character.

Sometimes having a real list in place ahead of time of things to do to distract myself helps fight off the urge.

Thinking good thoughts for you.

SeaShore said...

Kudos for taking control and tossing that junk food!! I'm not sure I could have (Dove bars!) Never give up.
Take care (hugs)

justoofat said...

Like others here, I appreciate and admire your honesty. Further, I believe that the step of writing all that out and putting here, where you can't ignore it, is so important. You *will* make it over this hump. We're all rooting for you.

j

spunkysuzi said...

You know you are climbing back on the wagon by the littlest things you do to change. By throwing away the rest of the junk you are taking back control. And this is said by someone who every now and then wonders what she's doing sneaking spoonfuls of things out of the fridge when no one is looking. Or hiding the candy that no one knows i've bought and scarfing down as fast as possible. You can do it!!

DEBRA said...

I have never commented but have followed you along your journey and have admired your honesty and attitude. I have lost 80 pounds in a one year span and hopefully will continue down. I have always (ALWAYS) had weight issues. It took nearly 5 decades for me to understand that food is a drug, and just as powerful as heroin or morphine. I know recognize that I can't have that 'stuff' anymore. I just can't have it. Period. I think I have finally weaned myself off of my addiction. I hope. I really do, because you never know. I will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Jeper Drai said...

You don't have to explain to anyone here how difficult it is to lose weight, let alone continuously lose weight. Our bodies fight back hard against us as the pounds start to come off. I took a one month vacation from dieting and turned into a three month vacation from dieting. I just went back to the gym yesterday.

Its the big picture (no pun intended) on which we have to remain focused.

JD

Anonymous said...

The spirit is willing but sometimes the flesh is so dang weak! Thank God for your moment of clarity, where you threw it all away and got back on track. We are imperfect beings and it's our reactions that make or break us. You are brave to post all of this and - whew! - what accountability, huh? Don't forget we are with you all the way. You go girl!

Anonymous said...

Lyn, hugs hugs hugs. You are not a failure. Any of us that have been in that place could easily end up back there. One moment of insanity does not erase an entire year of good hard work. You are going to be okay. Yes, coke is addictive. You are going to have to detox and get it out of your system. You are going to face this NOW and not let it go any farther. I know you can do it. Give yourself some credit for the small victories, smashing the chips and cookies, not drinking the coke or eating the last Dove bars. You are my hero, and heroes do not have to be perfect.
Schmoodle

L. Jo said...

For some of us, food is an addiction. We can go only so long by "white knuckled" willpower before we cave or before life gets to be too much.

For me, the 12-steps have been a God-send. I got a sponsor. I journal my eating and more importantly, my emotions while eating, and share it with her. She will be there for me when I am on the verge of a binge.

I've finally admitted I am powerless over my addiction. In surrendering and admitting I don't have control, I have found a paradoxical source of strength which is, no doubt, steps 2 and 3. (Step 2: I came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. Step 3: I think I'll let the higher power do that.(paraphrased))

I have to change my entire relationship with food. (It's no longer a diet, but abstinence.)

Lyn, I join with all these other loving, caring people in sharing in your pain. You are not alone and we care about you. (Funny how much one can care about a "headless" woman on the internet!)You are going to get through this, and you are going to soar again. How do I know? Because I've read your posts for the past year and see your strength and character. And besides that, you have us. Much Love

The Dieting Ninja said...

*hugs* Only you know what works for you, what's worked in the past and what will work in the future. I am certain you'll get there, and I like that you're able to...I don't know. Go through these without a giant bag of self-loathing at the end. Self-forgiveness is one of the things I have a hard time with, and I definitely could use some lessons. We all make mistakes - being able to forgive ourselves for them as we would forgive a friend or a child is a very important skill.

Also, I don't know if it will help, but I've found that any time I cold-turkey try to quit something, I get that same panic. For me, control is much more of a loose thing. Mad craving for a coke? Sure, but I can only have one of the little squatty cans. I get the taste and fizz of the coke in a much smaller amount, and since I already know that's all I get, I slow down and enjoy it. When I tried the cold-turkey thing last week, I nearly went insane after the first day and had to stop that little experiment before I found myself in the same position you were. I had to get into the habit of healthy food before I could completely stop eating the unhealthy stuff.

Looks like you've got a ton of people who have your back here. Thanks so much for sharing your story with us, and for being so honest. It makes everyone else want to be honest, too.

*hugs*

ryry the adventurous said...

Today WILL be better. And you are so brave and fantastic. Your honestly moves all of us, we are so here for you every step of the way.

elife said...

I hope writing this helped you, because in reading this (and other posts) you have helped me so much. Sending you waves of strength and hope; close your eyes and catch them!

Linda said...

((((((you)))))))

That's me hugging you. I just spent two days as a visitor to a psych clinic where my drug addict niece is being held. I also just blogged about that experience. Food is our drug of choice. It's our self-loathing that makes us binge. I'm working on how to break free of that feeling, and I know it's hard. Confessing is good and your power to crush more than you ate was awesome. You do have it in you, but you need to build it up like the muscles you build doing strength training. One day at a time; one hour at a time. You can win.

Twix said...

Woah! Good for you! I have only recently (within the last year) started eating like this. I know how difficult it is to throw it out and walk away. How hard it is to just resist in the first place. So, GOOD FOR YOU!

I have a bunch of kiddos like your daughter. It is funny when the doc said to be sure they are eating enough. I have to laugh because it seems they eat more than me. My youngest son still weighs in under 50lbs and I have to wonder where he stores all this food he eats or how he burns it off, huh. If only we were so lucky.

I hope this wednesday is going much better for you!

Heather said...

I've felt myself slipping this past week(end). I haven't gone nutso, but I've been sliding. You're post just put an end to that. Thank you.

We'll all get back on track. And I'm sorry to hear that it seems like you and the hubby are having problems?

As for the wee one - some doctors are crazy. I work in the medical field and I can tell you there is a healthy way to gain weight and an unhealthy way to do it. You're right to not be loading her up on butter and fat and bread.

I'd recommend seeing if you can get her to drink something like Pediasure once a day. Make her homemade fresh fruit smoothies and add a scoop of fiber or protein powder. She'll never taste it. Call it a milk shake if that's what it takes to get her to drink it. My best friends niece has a similar issue - she's majorly underweight and she won't eat anything half the time. She's also autistic. The smoothie thing worked for her, although she likes hers with peanut butter and bananas instead of berries.

Anyway, just a suggestion.

Hang in there. We're all here for you!

fatfighter said...

Wow - good for you for throwing the rest of it away. That really takes a lot. Today will be a better day.

KG said...

I just found this quote from Jillian Michaels this morning. It was her talking on her radio talk show last sunday morning and I take notes (I know- I'm a dork that way)

She said and I quote :

"If you are not FAILING, you are not trying hard enough."

Lyn - you are trying harder than anyone else I know! Kudos to you. I hope this quote helps you through today.

Leticia said...

You are doing so good! Hang in there. I recently read this quote on one of my favorite bloggers website (www.ronisweigh.com) and it made such sense for me...

"People don’t succeed because the give up what they want the most for what they want right now. "
Hang in there. Slow and steady.

One more comment, and I'm not trying to make excuses for you, BUT have you kept track of when you menstrate and when you ovulate? I have found that during those periods of time I am constantly craving things. Try to track it and at least you will be prepared for the cravings by just telling yourself that the time is coming but that you can deal with it.... when I was tracking my weightloss I started tracking when I menstrated and ovulated and it was almost to the tee when I would lose control.

Vonavie said...

(((lyn)))

::Tears::

So many of us know your pain all too well.

I find it funny that the moments of smashing were the insane part in your writing though. Wasn't that when you were really coming to your senses? Perhaps though you were being sarcastic intentionally. I love your descriptive writing!

deanna said...

Your honesty is amazing, you are doing the best you can with what you have - just know that better days are coming.

The Lassie said...

I appreciate your honesty - I've so been there! Hang in there, though, you will make it back on track!

Heather said...

hang in there! at least you know what you are doing and dont like it. I have been there so many times myself and I also used to hide out as well so people wouldnt see me. its because I thought food was bad and eating was bad. the reality is, food shouldnt be lumped into bad and good foods where we are ashamed to eat them. because I bet if you bought apples and bananas and lettuce, you wouldnt have sat in your car and hid. you did it because you were ashamed and probably not just of what you were eating but of how you felt. I know you probably realize that, but I have been ther eand felt that way too and it is possible to get over those feelings and at least now if Im going to eat, Im just going to sit ther eand do it, theres nothing to be ashamed of.

mrs dorson said...

lyn, i just adore you!

i truly do. i know it may not seem funny but you are able to put such a spin on things! "with great stealth".

i am so freaking proud of you!

you chip smashing, cookie crumbler and ice cream bar DESTROYER!!!

and i know the coke was the toughest.

AWESOME WONDERFUL INCREDIBLE VICTORY FOR YOU!!!

Anonymous said...

Lyn,

You write beautifully. You write sincerely. That combination is powerful-- people gravitate towards it and really internalize what you are feeling. Thank you so much for your blog. It really blows my doors off when you write like you have in your last two posts. When it comes from your heart- when you really lay it out there - it shows. Everytime.

Love!

themarlatts said...

Lyn, I'm so impressed you have the guts to write about that. I wish I did cause I really think that putting it out there helps you out mentally. I've done the same run for "milk" too many times. I also have had the exact same thoughts while eating in the car - I truly think if everyone we knew saw what we ate then all of us would be thin!

I'm so proud of you for throwing it away!!

Hugs for you!

BikiniMe said...

Lyn, I KNOW what that is like, the need to bite/chew/swallow and just eat eat eat in response to emotional turmoil. The simple act of stopping, even if it was in bits and pieces, is a fantastic feat of strength and self-respect. What you did was hard, but damn girl, you did it. And you're so right -- tomorrow WILL be better. Even if for no other reason than you will not have to remember an out-of-control binge that happened today. That is one memory you WON'T have to deal with or cringe from. :)

I bow before you in honor of your fabulosity. :)

Lauren said...

I am so glad you are writing about your days. That was an awesome show of strength that you had there. I hope it doesn't seem like I'm talking down to you at all, but I want to say that I'm really proud of you.

MB said...

Sugar is worse than crack. This post sounds exactly like the majority of my days except I rarely have the strength to stop myself. Why do we always fall back on the food when we're stressed? We know we'll feel worse after the binge but the sugar seems to numb our feelings. Be strong. You'll get back on track one decision at a time.

Sunny said...

Dang - - you are so very normal! We've all been there. Good for you for all your moments of clarity and your ability to halt them...2 bars is certainly a lot better than 4 right? It's a new day. {{{Hugs}}}

Katschi said...

Aside from the food, Lyn, it's got to be difficult living together right now, in limbo. Together, but not. I've never had to live through a situation like this so I can only imagine your pain. {{{hugs}}} (even if they make you uncomfortable *g*)
For me, I have to find something that comforts me as much as food does in times of crisis. I haven't found it yet. Oh, I know what I say when things are zipping along...I'll go for a walk, call a friend, get distracted gardening, but when I'm in the thick of it these ideas go out the window and I head for the fridge.
I hope you can find what your non-food comfort is....and if you do, please share!
I'm wishing only the best for you & your family, Lyn!

Anonymous said...

I appreciate you sharing this Lyn. I really thought I was the only one who ate in the car and then had to look for a trashcan to throw away the evidence. I know this is a tough time for you and I hope things get better very soon. Please know by sharing this you helped someone feel less alone today. Hang tough!

Farah said...

I didn't have time to read all the comments, but just wanted to add to stick in there. Figuring out the root of the problem is supposed to help, I hear. Just wish I could figure out what the roots of my problems are....

Anyway, also wanted to ask if you've ever considered supplementing your daughter's food with coconut oil? That might be another healthy way to give her more fats in her diet.

Keep up the good work in trying to figure it all out!!