Thursday, July 31, 2008

Daily Battles

Ah yes. The days go by, and we make choices. It's funny. You remember the hot dog story I told the other day? About choices a and b (eat the hot dog or ignore the hot dog)? Well I forgot to tell you about option c. After I wrote that post, the hot dog in the fridge continued to bother me. (Do you ever feel like your food has a voice? Or maybe a personal, invisible pipeline to the inside of your head where it calls to you, beckons you, pokes you until you NEED to eat it??) This was one persistent hot dog. So here is option c:

c) go to the fridge, get the hot dog out, muttering to yourself, "stupid hot dog." Slice one thin coin of hot dog from the center of it and put it in your mouth. Chew it up. Ew! It is nasty! It tastes like greasy old bologna. It's bad enough that it makes you spit it into the trash and throw away the hot dog.

So, once that was over, I was okay. I had a really great day. Ate healthy, exercised. Then yesterday I was flipping out again. For some reason all I could think about was brownie batter. I do not have any brownie mix or anything evil like that on hand, but back in the day when I was Queen Chubbo, I would often (once a week?) mix up a batch of brownie batter from scratch just so I could eat batter. The brownies were secondary. I would whip up that bowlful of hips (yes it is a bowl full of hips. Hips in embryo) and I would scarf about half of it down, raw, standing right there in my kitchen (while the kids were in school, of course). I went into some kind of sugar trance or something as I was eating it. The deep cocoa flavor. The greasy sensation. And the crunch of sugar grit in my teeth. (Something about that sugar grit makes me lose control. I know some people melt their butter and sugar to get the graininess out, but I CRAVED the graininess.) Sounds kind of whacked now... but this is how it was. And apparently still is, to some degree, because all day yesterday I had that batter in my head. I saw it before my eyes all day long. I could almost feel it in my mouth. WHY? I dunno. I just was dying for it.

You have to understand that in the fat days, if I wanted something, I made it or I bought it. I found a way to feed every craving. If I had a desire for brownie batter, it wouldn't be 5 seconds before the cocoa was hitting the mixing bowl. Once or twice I ate the batter... all of it... and didn't even bother making brownies. But usually, I ate 1/3 to 1/2 raw, then baked the rest in a small pan (pretending that was all the batter) and "shared" the baked brownies with the kids. (You can take an 8 by 8 pan of brownies, cut it in 1.5 inch squares, and the stack 2/3 of the brownies on a plate for the kids and eat all the rest. They never notice, and they even give you a couple of the stacked ones).

It made me really mad that I could not eat brownie batter yesterday. I thought about making 1/4 of a recipe. I thought about just eating it and "starting over." I was putting my inner brat in time out all day long because she was screaming and tantruming for brownie batter. By the end of the day I was sick of it. I *almost* went on and made it. But I grumpily told myself no. I had a healthy day under my belt and didn't want to ruin it. So I got out a teeeeny square of dark chocolate (25 calories) and sucked on it until it was gone. Then drank a huge glass of water. I did this 3 times before I felt like I was okay. So 75 calories later, I hauled my swishing-full-of-water self to bed (and then peed all night). I woke up a pound lighter.

Sometimes you just have to fight it. Sometimes, it is all I can do to stop myself from sabotaging my own weight loss. It's a struggle. I just wanted to let you know... it IS a struggle. But I am still going to keep losing weight. And now I know why. It's because I want it more than I want a hot dog, or brownie batter. I want it more than I want to try those stupid new chocolate sticks from Pizza Hut. I want to be healthy, and not be obese anymore. It's worth the sacrifice and the battle.

19 comments:

new*me said...

Great victory over the brownie batter. Not having these things in the house helps me ;) I have noticed when a BAD craving hits, if I don't think about it too much, like instead, I make myself really busy...do some push ups or crunches, call someone, clean something, whatever...just get busy....turn on music but I will not let it control my brain. If it pops back in my head, drinking tons of water helps me and eating a lot of fresh veggies to fill up my tummy. I don't think I have these cravings unless I am hungry so I think for me, it's been a learning experience to make sure I have enough mini-meals during the day that I never get to that starving/craving-like-crazy point of no return.

Congrats on another pound down and another healthy day!

Once Upon A Dieter said...

Very smart strategies. The only way to do this and win is to have strategies. I forget who wrote this, ie, which diet doc, but it was something like, "It's not about willpower. It's about strategies and planning."

Your strategies--take the one bite, use a substitute with water. Wait it out--are very good one we ALL need to learn.

Right now, I"m craving pizza like a mother. But I'm not ordering one. I'm gonna plan a dinner that has pasta sauce and low-fat cheese to give me the "compensation" taste. Then drink water and tea and wait it out.

Congrats on a great day.

The P

Arachne said...

Congrats to you, my friend. You will succeed.

Katschi said...

I remember several posts of yours about the brownies. You've come a long way! I know you have kiddies, but do you have to have hot dogs & other stuff in the house? Is it unreasonable not to? I'm speaking from a non-kiddie household so forgive me if this is dumb.
Congrats on another pound down--you're very close to being under 200 lbs!

I've been thinking and practising what you said about having perfect days and stringing them together and today will be perfect day 4. I hope to have 31 perfect days in August. When another craving hits, I hope I can stop & think about which I want more & put the food down. Good going, Lyn!

BikiniMe said...

Hi five on waiting it out -- that can be so tough to do!

Lyn said...

Katschi,

not dumb at all! I would love to have a hot dog free house. However, my (estranged) husband is still living here at the moment and he is still bringing home the junk food. When he is not here, I throw out the junk food and don't buy it at all.

However, I do keep things like cocoa, flour, and sugar on hand because I cook (cocoa for my oatmeal, sugar for lemonade occasionally, things like that) so I always have the stuff for brownie batter!

Heather said...

good for you for fighting those urges! I used to do the same thing...act on impulse and eat exactly what I wanted. I spent a fortune on food because I was going to the store like every day.

Roaring Lioness said...

Someone reccomended your site to me (her name is Shanna) and I'm so glad she did. I'm new to this blogging lark and I've only read a handful of your posts but I love your honesty and how you share your strategies in detail. For me, it's all about the detail. It's not good enough someone saying 'just wait your craving out', I want to know HOW. I was so interested to read how you ate a square of chocolate (three times) then drank a large glass of water, and how that finally sated the craving for you.

ryry the adventurous said...

RAWR! A clean decisive victory for the good of man(and woman)kind! And for that I salute you!

spunkysuzi said...

Yep sometimes certain things are just calling out to you! Good for you on not giving in to the brownie batter (which i can totally relate to) And good for you on being able to stop it with only the dark chocolate and the water ;) I have to make sure that certain things are not in the house. However my hubby and daughter do eat things that aren't what i consider healthy but they also aren't triggers for me so i still have those around the house.

Karyn said...

Yay for you! Your post has made me think about strategies...what ones do I use, what ones can I come up with? Thanks.

Anonymous said...

I have days like that. First thing I'm thinking is: vitamin deficiency? Is your body craving something it can get quickly from that batter and making the components and texture of it extremely appealing to you so you'll fix it?

Second thing I'm thinking is: need. This sounds like a need calling you. If not a body need then a mind or heart one. What is the source?

Maybe too simple but that's my gut reaction.

Hang in there and as always, we're with you in spirit. I tell myself if I persevere sooner or later I'll learn the key to me and become my own master, instead of my body mastering me. At least that is my hope.

Lisa

Lynne said...

It is worth any brownie in any bakery or kitchen in America! Keep up the fight! Never give in!

Ready to Shrink said...

I gotta say we have some scary similarities. I actually thought of you yesterday. I had about a quarter of a bag of tostitos left over from the weekend and I wanted so bad to sit down and eat them with the sour cream and salsa I had--but I remembered something you said on your blog about choosing the right thing for just that one second and I took the leftover sour cream and chips and ran them to the trash can shoving them deep into the garbage...wanting them the instant I did it...but I saved my healthy day in that one second. I made dinner and my salad and was fine.

Thank you.

Roxie said...

There must be something in the air. I was having a battle with my inner-brat yesterday as well.

You did great! (And I totally understand about the whole brownie thing)

Honi said...

2 words ROCK ON.. I am so proud of you that you slayed the brownie dragon.. yes it was hard.. but like you said.. you want your weight loss more than a hotdog or brownie.. MUCH LUCK TO U!!!

Ceres said...

The fight never stops!! But we shall win and conquer this thing ;-)

Lyn said...

Ready to Shrink: That's what I am talking about! Go You!! It really only takes one second to save ourselves from that kind of thing. You did GREAT.

Blubbery Blogger said...

Oh my gosh, I have brownie mix in my pantry RIGHT NOW! However, after reading your whole post, I don't even want it...at all. It's amazing how reading about someone else's strength seems to strengthen you. Thanks for your inspirational posts. You're awesome.