Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Many Thanks, and Update

As verbose as I usually am, and as easily as words usually flow from my mind onto the keyboard, words cannot truly express how very deeply I appreciate all the words of kindness and support I have received from you all over the past few days. When I typed my plea for help, it was late at night. I went to bed, tossing and turning and with many tears. I felt so alone. Maybe I have said this before, but I don't have any family here (except my children). My parents passed away prematurely, years ago, and I am an only child. My extended relatives live 2000 miles away and I have not seen them in decades, except at my mother's funeral. I often feel utterly alone. I have been working on this...

When I woke up the next morning, I came to my computer hoping... praying... that there would be ten or fifteen messages to buoy me up and give me the strength I so desperately needed to get through the day. When I saw the DOZENS and DOZENS of comments and emails, I was truly overwhelmed. The tears flowed freely as I realized that PEOPLE CARE ABOUT ME. The words... wow... such amazing words that you said to help me start to heal my heart. Truly healing. As I went through my day I would come back every hour or so, and read more messages, and reread them, letting the words sink in and become a positive mantra in my head when I could not muster the words for myself. I made it through the day. One day eating healthy, and waiting for "whatever" was going to happen next.

Then again yesterday, even more love from cyberspace. I closed my eyes and visualized all of you standing around that dark muddy hole I was falling down, and all your arms reaching down and grabbing me and pulling me out. I kept imagining this over and over. I really believe in the power of visualization. I imagined myself on solid ground surrounded by friends (because that is what you have become). I am muddied, but not defeated. I had another healthy eating day yesterday. And as trivial as it may seem in the face of the issues I am dealing with right now, I weighed. I had been up to 224 on Monday morning. Today, I am 220. Why this matters? Because it is one area I can control. It is something I have fought for. I cannot give up. And as you all reminded me, I am better and have more clarity when I am eating clean. I need all the clarity and energy I can muster right now. (My issue is NOT resolved. It is going to be a very rocky week, and I still really don't know what is happening next, but I will face it with strength and dignity).

I am just so humbled and GRATEFUL beyond words for ALL of you. Truly. I wish you could know what you have done for me. Let me say it with my favorite poem, by Emily Dickinson.

If I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain.

Thank you all, so much.

32 comments:

Donna B said...

Even though everything isn't resolved, you are doing the best you can and are thinking about YOU and all the hard work you have done on your weight loss goal. I think your "one day at a time" is a great approach and glad all your cyber friends are helping. Hugs to you!

Ceres said...

I am so glad that you went back to healthy eating! Like you said, this is the one area in your life that you have control over, and from there you can take some courage to face the harder obstacles in your life. I'm thinking of you and sending you lots and lots of cyberhugs and smiles :-)

Shanna said...

{{{hugs}}}, {{{hugs}}}, &more {{{hugs}}}!!! One day at a time sweetie, one day at a time!

spunkysuzi said...

other than my family i too am alone as far as relatives go and i know that there are times you feel all alone. But i too have been extremely lucky to find out that is so not the case.
Congrats on being able to take back some control over the last couple of days. I'm extremely proud of you!!

Anonymous said...

Lyn, just wanted to let you know that I sent you a PM on the 3FC forums. *hugs*

-- Sarah / WarMaiden

Anonymous said...

I just found your blog and had you on my mind. I refreshed after about 30 minutes or so (was reading the archives) and was so happy to see this update. I'm cheering for you, and for myself, because although it sounds weird, I could be you. Same age, same BMI :), same struggles, etc.

Hang in there, brave lady. You're an inspiration and you have friends and people who care for you out here.

Lisa

Anonymous said...

Glad to see you post. I have been thinking about you and wishing you the very best. Keep on keeping on!

Another poster gave an AA slogan so here is my favorite: "This too shall pass."

Take care,
Paula
pmmccusker

Stephanie said...

Glad to hear from you - I have been thinking about you and checking back to see if you had made a new entry. We are all concerned about you - you definitely have friends, girl. Try to keep moving in a positive direction - sounds like you've got the right attitude (but I know things still suck...). You are an inspiration to others, including your children. Whenever I feel like a piece of crap, I spend a few minutes with my son and realize that I am very important and special and necessary to that little guy. It helps to know those things. Have a healthy day!

Anonymous said...

Lyn
You're doing great just keep taking one small step at a time.Believe in yourself, you'll see that YOU are worth it.

Debra

Valley said...

the visualization is such a great idea.. that I'm going to steal!

seriously though. you have done so great and come so far.... you are SO STRONG!!! and dont forget it! *hugs* hang in there.

(valpal23)

Ready to Shrink said...

I was so happy to see a post from you today and I am also happy to see that you are not at the bottom of that well still. As you can see from all the posts, we knew you could do it! We knew you had it in you to rake back control--even during such a hard time. We are all sending our cyber luv your way and wishing you the best!

Honi said...

First it is an honour to be your friend and be considered among the many that do care for you.. why look what you have done for so many with your sweet words and motivation.. My goodness how you have prevented me from going crazy and eating wild.. your words always soothe and It is only my hope that my words help give you back some of what you have given to me and others as well..
Hang in there..

Ryry the Adventurous said...

Just another note to say you are awesome, and nothing anyone can do to you can change that. You are who you are, and you are full of strength and greatness!

aerorunnergirl said...

I'm so glad you're back. Even though things aren't resolved, you're doing an awesome job of maintaining your perspective and keeping control over those aspects of your life which can be controlled. That's a step in the right direction. I've been thinking of you very often since Friday, hoping you're doing ok. Many HUGS!

justoofat said...

I'm a little late getting here, but had I stumbled upon this post and the previous one sooner, I'm sure my words would have echoed (though perhaps not as eloquently) what so many others have said about you and what you have come to mean to them.

Now, I cannot help but marvel at the outpouring of love that your quiet plea for help has sparked. What a beautiful reminder of how *real* all the people behind the clever screen names and erudite blog posts really are. You're so right to call us "friends," because I'm sure that's how everyone who took the time to write to in your moment of need feels about you.

That said, the difference between friends and family, of course, is that you get *choose* your friends. And just look how many people have *chosen* you, Lyn.

I know I don't have to tell you that eating right and staying healthy is hard under the best of circumstances, so I applaud you for getting back on the scale and for taking care of yourself, one healthy day at a time. It's hard, I know, but I also know that I'm not alone in saying that, in fact it would seem that many, many, many (many!) people agree... you're worth it!

j

Anonymous said...

You help us and inspire us.
I bet every last one of us wish we could do more to help you through this. People that have blogs forget that out of all the readers that comment, at least 2-3 times that many don't leave a comment.
Think of all the people you have touched and reached out to.
You're a beacon of light to many people. Thank you for putting into perspective and vocalizing the struggles that most of us have to go through.
Thank you for being an inspiration.
And your happiness and maintaining a healthy weight is worth fighting for.
go watch a Rocky movie. he gets beat down, then he gets up and whups a$$. and he is/was hott!

Ginzilla

Anonymous said...

You can do it! We're reading and listening!

Anonymous said...

You sound different. That's good. I hear the strength in your "voice."

You're going to do this, get past it, get to a better place.

Whatever it is..God be with you.

We're praying.
The Princess

Autumnseer said...

I was so hoping we would hear from and I am so relieved you are feeling better. I, too, am honored to be called your friend. And, YES, you will get through the coming days with strength and dignity. We all stand behind you!

MsMagnetism said...

Lyn, words can't express how truely proud I am of you or how much I admire your strength! You are an absolutely wonderful person and I count myself lucky, yes LUCKY just to know you and even luckier to hold the title of 'friend'!

I cherish every conversation in IM, email or on a message board just as I check your blog with excitement daily (actually multiple times daily) as I don't want to miss an update on what's going on with you.

Your words are always inspiring even on your worst days, you bring me the strength to keep trying when I want to do nothing but give up. You've been where I am and worse and so you bring me hope that it will get better and that I can do it if I keep on trying.

I can't thank you enough for everything you've done for me,the words of inspiration, the prayers and hugs when I'm in need and even the cooking tips you've shared with a newbie who is lucky to be able to boil water! I'm glad to be able to repay the kindness if only slightly in your time of need.

Oh and something that definately should be repeated and you should remember:

"That said, the difference between friends and family, of course, is that you get *choose* your friends. And just look how many people have *chosen* you, Lyn."

~Barbara

Mal said...

One thing I've learned as both a therapist and a patient is that when one coping mechanism is removed, others must rise to take their places. Now is the time to utilize your new skills -- exercise, visualization (good job!), writing, and all of the other good things you do for yourself to keep that head above water. Of COURSE you had some bad eating days. It's like running to homebase when bad things happen. We'll always reach for that strongest self-medicine. But, the longer you use the other tools you're developing, the stronger they'll get, too!

Thinking of you... You're doing great.

Blubbery Blogger said...

I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story with all of us. You have been such an inspiration to so many. I too am beginning my journey. My blog is http://blubberyblogger.blogspot.com
I am trying to spread the word because I need all the help and support I can get!!! Please check it out. THANKS!!!

Heather said...

you better believe we are all here for you! that poem is one of my favorites!

Cindy said...

Wow, Lyn, I am soooo amazed by YOU. I'm so impressed, because MOST people would JUST give up. Damn girl, now you really ROCK! You are SO strong for getting back on the wagon. I mean whatever your situation, it sounds very stressful, but you are COPING SO WELL, much better than most people would. Breathe and take it ONE DAY AT A TIME. Your writing, your blog, YOUR STORY is so AMAZING because you've NOT given up. Keep fighting Lyn, like the strong fighter you've become. You're a trooper and I applaud you for that. Your actions are very admirable.

Stephanie said...

You are a strong, beautiful, powerful woman. Congratulations on taking control, and choosing the right path rather than the comfortable, easy way. I'm so sorry to read of your crisis. Please know that you are loved, appreciated, and influencing others' lives!

I read your blog regularly, and always I feel ashamed that I am not working on my weight diligently. Especially since I'm not dealing with anything particularly painful or stressful right now. I'm in such an out-of-control state already, if I were slammed with a crisis who knows how big I would end up!? When I wake up tomorrow, I will take a forward step.

I want you to know that you have inspired one more person! Your struggle is not in vain, because it is for your health and happiness, and it's for your kids. I'll pray for you, your family, and situation. I hope you'll find all the support and grace you need to make it tomorrow (and the next day and the next...)
Stephanie

Farseashore said...

((hugs))

Anonymous said...

omggggg!!!! i cried when i read that you decided to keep at the healthy eating...nothing tastes as good as thin feels.

Anonymous said...

Your post moved me to tears. Your determination is incredible. How fortunate your children are to have you as a Mom, I'm sure that they are so proud of you. Feel the hugs that I'm sending!

Anonymous said...

I'm mostly a lurker, I commented the other day. I wanted to let you know that I'm going to keep checking in on you every day right now. You've got a lot of support behind you, we're all rooting for you to get through this week well.
Heather

Weight Loss Reviews said...

Thank you so very much for your story. It was truly an inspiration. I hope mine is also. Please feel free to view it at blogger.com Weight Loss Reviews.

We folks with this particular problem need all the help we can get. Thanks again and God Bless.

Vickie said...

I am so glad that you are feeling taken care of and loved - the warmth of everyone's good wishes and thoughtful words - really does shine (through the clouds) in blog land. Hugs to you.

MB said...

You are not alone. We'll be here for you no matter what happens.