Sunday, June 15, 2008

Falling....Falllllling.....

For the last few days I feel I have been falling down into the cavernous pit. I am sure a lot of you know, without further explanation, what I mean. It's a pit full of Little Debbie Cakes and Sbarros pizza... a huge emotional gaping hole of darkness that I feel a raging desperation to try and fill. I have been in the pit before but never has it felt so black, so slippery and engulfing. Maybe because I know what life is like on the other side of the pit, now it is more terrifying.

I didn't fall in over some special dessert or overwhelming craving. I was skimming along ever since I got sick, up a pound, down a pound... down to 219, up to 222... but something really difficult happened a few days ago. Actually, two things, very personal in nature, very hard to deal with. I will just say that the one that put me over the edge is going to be extremely difficult to come back from. Let me just say that my spouse made some revelations to me on the phone that wrenched my gut (and heart) in two. And I have no idea where my life is headed, at this point, but I am in an emotional tailspin not only for myself but for my children. As you may have noticed, he is gone quite a bit. He is coming here sometime this week, and I have no idea what is going to happen after that. But I know it is going to be stressful.

And so with said revelation, I have gotten very little sleep and have eaten just about everything under the sun. I have stayed composed and calm for the children's sakes, and have kept my emotions under control. I pretend everything is okay. I help them sign their Father's Day cards and I clean the house. I have everything under control... but where my inner turmoil shines through is in my eating. And in my head is the vision of myself falling, fallling down into a deep, wide, dark muddy cavern with no bottom. And as I fall I grasp at the side of the pit, clawing the walls, mud under my nails, but it is so wet and slippery I have great fear of never getting back out. There is no ground under my feet, and no one is there to grab my arm and haul me to safety. It is truly terrifying.

I have not weighed in days. Nor have I exercised in any way. I let the vegetables rot in the fridge while I ate chicken and biscuits and hot fudge from the jar. My head is spinning, but I know enough to know that THIS is the kind of behavior that made me fat. And THIS is what will kill my weight loss efforts if I do not stop it RIGHT NOW.

I don't really know how I am going to claw my way out of this one, but I am going to try. I will weigh in the morning and I will work very hard to deal with the emotions in a healthier way, and not use food to drug myself and stuff my feelings. I haven't asked much, ever, on this blog, but if you can spare some words of encouragement, it would be so very appreciated. If you ever want to make a comment on this blog, or write me an email, now would be a great time to do it. I am not someone who asks for help. But I am desperate, and I don't have anyone else to ask. Prayers, perhaps... and just a kind word or two urging me not to give up. Thank you...

84 comments:

Anonymous said...

My prayer just went up for you-Stay strong-believe that God will give you wisdom and courage to get through this time-you are a wonderful,insightful,gifted woman and mother-don't let any man make you doubt yourself.

R. Shack said...

I read your blog religiously (and comment never) but your words and your advice inspire me regularly. YOU inspire me daily.

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through such a rough time. I too will send some prayers your weigh. YOU, my dear, are an incredible woman, so don't let anything keep you from taking care of YOU!

Best wishes!
Beck

Lauren said...

Don't give up Lyn. You can do this. Life is really hard sometimes and I can't even imagine what you must be going through. Just make one good choice a day, food or exercise, do that until you can make two or three. You can do it.

Roxanne said...

I don't think it's too much to ask of your readers since I know you have helped many of us out here with your words of inspiration. I am sending all of my positive vibes your direction. You WILL make it through this rough patch and I'm sure will come out shining on the other end. Hugs. :)

katie said...

Delurking to add to everyone's words of encouragement. Your strength and self awareness on this journey are so powerful and pretty damned inspiring. I now force myself to pause and ask myself if I am eating something because I am actually hungry or just want to eat. You have proven your strength and amazing spirit through all of this so far and I think you can handle anything. Chin up. :)

Trish said...

I'll be praying for you and your family.

Hang in there!

Vickie said...

Major hugs
One day at a time
and if that feels like too much
then one hour at a time
We'll all be praying for you and your family.

katrinatjday said...

What actually strikes me most about this post is how incredibly brave it is already - really Lyn, the number of people who let something like this swallow them up, and don't even attempt to ask for help.

You've already made a huge step just in recognizing that your behaviour can be self-destructive, and are making leaps and bounds in getting back to your healthy ways it by asking for words of encouragement.

You may not be sure if you can claw your way out, but I have no such doubts - I know you will.

Really Lyn, you are an inspiration.

Ames said...

I am going to pray for you today. There is only One who can give you the comfort and strength you need. I'll be praying for that for you.

I'm sorry.

laine said...

Picture solid ground beneath your feet. Picture steps to lead you out o that bit. I read your blog every time you post, and you are such an inspiration. You have built so much strength and have so many tools you can turn to now. I'm sorry things are difficult, and hope you find peace.

Anonymous said...

I finally reached 222 last week....my b/f of 7 years told me last night that he wants nothing more to do with me....i am in a dark place right now..but it won't be like this forever....

Remember that food will not ever take pain away...makes no sense leaning on it for support...i also used to turn to food when i was upset until i realised it did more harm than good ...God does not give us more than we can handle...he would not let you go through this and not provide a way for you to rise above it.....food will only sink you further into that dark pit.....you have got to face the pain and learn to handle it without the use of the food ...the pain will not last forever....but the fat could if u let it...please , please, please..do not use food to numb your pain.

Farseashore said...

Think of all of the achievements you have made in your health-gain/weight-loss. Like climbing the steps to your own home. Don't throw all of your very hard work away!

When you start thinking that you don't want to exercise, do it anyway. Remember how good it makes you feel? How strong and in control?

Don't think about it (or you'll come up with excuses), just stand up and do it. Get out and take a walk. Now. Stop reading and go.

You will get through this. ((hugs))

Teale said...

I realize you are having a tough time right now, but try to remember great advice that you've given others when they have been in a tailspin. You'd tell them to hang in there, and that eating to numb the pain isn't going to make the pain go away. Keep your chin up.

stephseef said...

Remember - no matter the outcome of the relationship you want to come out at the end healthier, stronger, and more victorious - emotionally AND physically. If you can hang your hat on that thing - make the thing you CAN control be your continuing success -- well, that will help immensely. I read every word you write, have told many people that yours is the most realistic, healthy, and NORMAL WL blog out there, [and should be a book when it's all said and done!] and will absolutely be praying for you.
stephanie

Poonie said...

I'm so sorry you are going through such a tough time. Please hang in there. We are all behind you. You will get through this.

Anonymous said...

Delurking to offer you an arm to grasp on your way up. Yes Lynn, you will be out of that hole and shine more brilliantly than ever. You have given hope to so many and have certainly touched my life. You are in my prayers. Vicki

pmmccusker said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you, Lyn. I know what it is like to use food as a comforter. You know it makes you feel worse in the end. Just for today, try to eat healthy. When you feel like numbing out, go on your bike for 5 minutes or play a game with your toddler...or wash the kitchen floor. Take your frustrations/anger/hurt, or whatever emotion out on the floor or your bike, not on yourself.

I will tell you this. I have lost a lot of weight...It has been creeping back on, because of stress lately. I promise you, the days I eat healthier and make better decisions about my health and well being are better days. I don't add to my despair by recounting all the bad choices I made that I could control!

You may not be able to control what is happening with your husband, but you can control what you do to your body.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. Take care of YOU!

Paula

Anonymous said...

Oh Lyn, you can't give up. What you have been doing the last months has been for you, for a better life for you and for your kids. Whatever the future holds, you can't stop loving you. Don't feel like you have to stuff all you are feeling right now. It's okay for the kids to know you are upset, get it out.
Thank you for not going off to hide with your pain and for coming here to share it with us. You have gotten through a lot of things and you will get through whatever you need to, and with better tools than you've had in the past. If you only knew how much I have been rooting for you!
Hugs, Schmoodle

Jeper Drai said...

Revelation?

You have certainly captured the imagionations of a great many people.

Nobody likes losing control of their lives. Concentrate on those aspects you do control.

Not knowing the revelation, I have not much more to add except that I hope things work out for the best.

JD

Ceres said...

Oh Lyn, I am so very sorry for this. My thoughts are with you, and I hope you will be strong to deal with whatever came your way.

Actually, I don't hope so, I know so. You might have stumbled for a moment, it would have been hard not to, but little by little you will get back on your feet. Take courage and strength from what you have achieved.

You have worked so very hard for this, changed yourself inside and out, and you have inspired so many others in the process! You cannot let yourself go, your children need a strong and healthy mother. Many things in life might not be under your control, but this is!

Perhaps you should go back and read your own posts, think hard about how far you've come. If they give you half of the courage and inspiration that they give to others, you will feel tons better.

Again, I'm thinking of you, and wish I were there to give you a big hug :-)

Fab Kate said...

((hug))

It's natural to revert to old behaviors under stress... and this is more stress than is normal. Don't be too hard on yourself for your little falls, just pick up and go on. You can't deal with everything coming at you at once... priorities and sacrifices will be made.

Ultimately, you can't eat your way out of this, and you know that. If you go on eating, that's self sabotage, and you're better than that... you don't deserve that. But some short term backsliding under these situations isn't something to beat yourself up over or to stress out over.

Remember, no matter how deep that chasm feels when you are betrayed, there IS ground under your feet, and someone there to catch you... even if it's just yourself. It may not feel like it now, but some day you will look back at this from a place of safety and the feeling of helplessness will be gone.

Ready to Shrink said...

Lyn, on a day to day basis your blogs are an inspiration to so many--including myself.

What you are going through is hard...really sickeningly hard, but you can control your eating through this. It's going to do nothing for you but make you hate your own behavior and right now you need to be strong for you and your wonderful children.

Put down the sugary snacks, say no to the junk food. Take back control of your eating habits and work your way through your relationship. No matter what the outcome with you and your husband it's not worth losing yourself over. In the end you need to remember the strong woman you are and what you have already accomplished FOR YOU!

You will get through this. Remember to love yourself. We are all pulling for you Lyn.

Emily said...

Lyn, I started reading recently and haven't yet commented, but now seems like a good time to start! Although we are very different - I don't have children, and I don't share many of the food battles - your manner of writing and making your experiences so human and easily shared mean that I really enjoy your blog and appreciate your insights. You can do it! You've come so far, and even a post like this indicates that: you know that you need help, and everyone is here for you. Best of luck with everything at home, know that you have support waiting on the internet whenever you need it.

Donna B said...

Thinking and praying for you! I don't post much, but stress has been in control of my life for a few weeks, waiting to find out last week that I lsot my job due to redundancy. I decided to use this extra time for now to not let it ruin my life because I AM IMPORTANT TO ME. I know that is very hard to do sometimes, but you need to try and do what is best for you. Good luck in your choices and I am here if you need to chat.

Jessica said...

As hard as it is to believe right now there IS an other side to this and you WILL get there. It might take awhile but you'll come through and you'll find peace and happiness again.

You can't force your emotions away and you can't make them go away faster than they want to. Give yourself time and give yourself the freedom to feel.

Try getting on your bike again. Put on some angry music and work out your frustrations on the bike - it always helps me!

beverly said...

I am so sorry to hear of your troubles. I am wishing you much success today as you clean up your eating. As many have said, the bad diet won't help you at all beyond the moment. Don't let this situation take away your resolve to take care yourself. You may lose a lot, but not your right to the beautiful healthy body you have been working so hard and so successfully for.

It's hard, allow yourself to admit that it will be hard to turn your diet around, but you know you can. But, it will be easier the sooner you do it. Just for the next few days write down everything you eat, everything! Just by making yourself aware of what you are doing as you are doing it, instead of blocking it all out might be helpful.

I am writing you from a place I don't want you to be. I have gained 60 lbs., hard fought lbs. that I lost a couple years ago. Let me just say, it feels awful, it's hard to recover from and have to lose it again. It truly sucks actually. I have gone from feeling good in my skin to wanting to hide out and stay away from even my friends because I feel so miserable about the amount of space my body is taking up these days. YOU, have really been a huge part of my inspiration to get a grip once again.

On the news the other night I heard a quote that really love. I may not have it exactly right, but it goes something like this. "Don't live your life waiting out the thunderstorms, learn to dance in the rain."

Best wishes to you. Be strong by taking care of yourself. You ultimately are alone, there is no one really that you can rely on. As harsh as that seems, it is true and when you embrace that fact you embrace the reality of self-reliance.

elife said...

I've been so inspired by your blog and your progress.I'm so sorry to hear your are suffering like this.

Please remember you are not the person you used to be; you waited mere days before addressing this, not months, years as in the past.

Also, what you're going through is terrible and scary and you don't have full control over the outcome. What you DO have full control over is your body, which you've proven to all of us over the past year. Please be good to yourself during this sad time.

Blossom said...

Just wanted to give you some positive vibes....believe that YOU have the courage to get through this. It is within YOU to keep going. You've been through so much, and I know you don't want to get back to where you were. None of us do! You are a strong woman, and I know you won't let yourself or your family down.

deanna said...

You are MUCH stronger than you realize. You CAN Get through this. I found this quote last week and LOVE it:

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” - Eleanor Roosevelt

You have come too far to let food get in the way, find another outlet - coloring, talking on the phone, anything instead of eating through the pain. YOU will get through it and I will say some prayers. Keep on keeping on!

Anonymous said...

Lyn,

For months, I have marvelled at your strength and resolve. I am awed and inspired by your courage and dedication on a regular basis. The love for your kids shines through all of your posts. Although I don't personally know you, I have no doubt that you will get through this, and in the end, emerge better than ever.
In the mean time, be good to yourself and take care of yourself. My thoughts are with you and your family.
JT

Anonymous said...

Lyn,
I have been reading your blog for a few weeks now. You are the one of the strongest women I have ever met. I am so proud to know you from your blog. You have shared many things that I have thought but have never had the courage to share. Know how strong you are! My prayers are with you.

Elizabeth

zin said...

Dear Lyn,

I visit your blog frequently and draw a tremendous amount of inspiration from your fight against obesity. I have to lose about 40 more pounds but am stuck at the same spot for a year (infact gained 12 pounds over the last six months)....and so am very frustrated.

No matter how hard life is please don't give up your fights..both the one against obesity and the one against the bad world out there. I pay good attention to your blog and to what you write about your family. To be honest, it never appeared to me that your spouse is the best person to be with. Any other person would have been tremendously proud of your achievements and just hug you tight for that. At some point you wrote that it took about 40 -50 lbs for your spouse to notice a change in you (please correct me and forgive me if I am mistaken)! That is shocking. How can someone possibly take so long to notice such a pleasant change in a person he is expected to love and honor all through his life?

I think at this point it is most important to figure out what is best for you and the human lives God has made you responsible for..the ones you created..you children. Your blog shows tremedous strength of character. I strongly believe you are more than capable to win this fight with obesity (food, emotional urges etc) and the other equally important battles in life. You are a very strong woman and destined to do well in life for yourself and your children.

May God be with you and the kids in every hour.

Best of luck!

RunningNan said...

Please don't give up. You are going to get through this. You are a wonderful person. You are in my thoughts!

Anonymous said...

You are tremendously strong, amazingly honesty and you will somehow get through everything you need to one day at a time. Don't let all of this time of hard work and sacrifice go to waste into a jar of hot fudge!

Many of us have episodes where we give in and medicate ourselves with food over stressful situations. The real key is getting back on track again quickly so you can be even stronger.

You are an inspiration to all of us who read you daily. I'm sending prayers for you to be able to handle whatever may come without succumbing to emotional eating.

Stay strong, my friend!!

Amber said...

Lyn,
You inspire me with your blog every day. Sometimes things happen in life that are beyond our control, but know that these things are only temporary. What's permanent is the strength and courage you carry inside you. And it's that strength is what has gotten you this far and is going to carry you through whatever life throws at you. Your spirit is better and stronger than whatever is going on on the outside. Stay strong and believe in yourself. So many of us are rooting for you %100!

cindy said...

YOU ROCK! Don't forget that. Don't forget what a smart person you are. Don't forget what you've already overcome. Don't doubt yourself! You can make it, without the FALSE comfort of food. Get angry at that damn food. Don't be fooled by it. You already know it will make you fat and MORE miserable. I would very much recommend you go to a local church and get support there or read the bible. You need a real support system because it is VERY HARD to go through something like this ALONE!!! Another thing I would recommend is boxing :) to let out all of your sadness and anger or whatever uncomfortable feelings in the punching. Get a punching bag or something and just let 'er rip.

If you're angry, be angry. Scream! But don't eat and put all that weight back on. YOU HAVE WORKED WAY TOO HARD TO BE TRICKED BY FOOD.

By the way, you're an amazing writer.

Keep rocking on Lyn. You are soooooo cool. :)

jules said...

"Dare to struggle,..dare to fall and rise again."

Like you've alway written, "Don't give up!" Please don't ever give up! By reading your blog, I've come to understand so much about being obese and realized what it was possible to escape that life. You've inspired me to continue trying to lose weight and to be happy even when my progress is slowed/ or even when I gained instead of lost; and to be more understanding of the obese people who are very close to me-how I can also try to help them.

We are human and we have weaknesses and we can be hurt. But human beings are willful and we are capable of finding happiness despite the obstacles that come our ways.

Ryry the Adventurous said...

You have my prayers, my thoughts, my positive energy, my virtual hugs, anything I can give you have it! You are an amazing woman, Lyn! Whatever happens you will come out on top, I know it, I think all of us know it.

Lasserday said...

oh, honey. i am so sorry. i have experienced at least a little bit of what you are feeling right now and i know how wrenching it can be. i felt as though i only just then understood the word 'devastated'. but in the end, i overcame it. i am better now. and to tell the truth, although at the time i would have done ANYTHING to have it not have happened, now i am actually glad that it did. through it i learned more about myself and my strength and life that i ever would have it hadn't happened. we chose to work it out, or try, but i know that i would have been ok and survived if we hadn't, too. just like everyone else said, you have inspired us with your strength and we are ALL here standing behind you, even though you can't see us. one piece of advice is this, don't think about it. there is no good reason to think about it. when a moment for a decision comes, then think, but up until then it will only damage you to give in to thoughts about it. be careful what you say to yourself in these days and what you let you mind rest on. i will be praying for you, like the others, and know with all my heart that you will come out of this a better woman and a stronger woman, just like you have been doing with your weight loss.

Jeni said...

Oh I hope things settle down for you. I keep thinking about how much you have done. Stay strong you are stronger than this regardless of the situation and outcome. Keep in mind your body is one of the few things you have complete control over now, don't let this situation take that away from you. Take care. Jeni

Stephanie said...

Lyn - I'm sorry things suck right now. Fear is always a motivating factor in the eating department - and that is likely a lot of what you're feeling - at least I would be, not knowing what the hell was going on or why.

Like others have said, though - no matter what the deal is with your husband, you just can't let it devastate you and take you away from the care that you've been giving yourself - the care that you deserve. I am a person who tends to eat "at" a problem or eat "at" my husband when he is being an ass - as if by eating "at" him I am somehow hurting him. HELLO - who am I hurting?!! Eating "at" things and circumstances only hurts us. Ultimately, it doesn't seem that you began the weight loss journey FOR your husband or to win his love/approval - you did it for yourself, right? So why let his "revelation" change that? You are still the same person and no matter what you might temporarily feel about your self-worth (due to the revelation) you just can't throw away the progress you've made.

All that said, I totally understand the falling and the pit and how it keeps clawing at your ankles even when you think you might be able to crawl out. I try to tell myself that there are other levels, though - there is not just "super happy" and "the pit." Find a middle spot where you can care for yourself and your kids without sabotaging everything you've worked for.

And just as a nasty little ending (I can't help myself, I've been there) remember that looking and feeling fantastic is the best f-ing revenge you could ever possibly have, girl. You can't have that particularly satisfying revenge if you're best friends with Little Debbie. So get rid of that little chocolate bitch and keep on with the veggies and fruits!! I already prayed for you but will do it again, too.

Anonymous said...

I'm so very sorry you're having such a hard time right now, Lyn, and you are truly in my prayers. I want you to know that you have been such an inspiration to me. In those moments when I'm doubting my own resolve, I think of you and how tenacious you are. That courageous woman who made a dramatic change in her life (and her body), who dealt bravely with a traumatic medical scare, who is setting such a powerful example of self worth for her children, who is a gifted writer and a strong woman - that is how I think of you and I have no doubt that you have the strength to get through anything. We are all rooting for you!

Leslie said...

Diva:

Stay STRONG!!

You've come such a long long way and we are all here with our arms around you.

I've got my fingers in your back (feel those fingerprints girl?) pushing you out of that funk...

Gooooooo girl, goooooooooo!

Prayers going up for you!

Les~

Mal said...

If I am repeating from the comments I haven't had a chance to read, I apologize. However, here is my first thought:

You are not changing your life and your habits for WEIGHT LOSS of all things. Sure, it is a side effect, but so much of what you have written about has been an improvement in your quality of life. You have gained a sense of self, of control, and of mastery. The tools you have learned will help you through this (and many other) challenges. All of it is in the service of being the best YOU you can be, and having the best LIFE you can have. Do not eat well because you want the scale to budge. Eat well because you need the energy, the clarity, the peace of mind to make good decisions during a difficult time.

Also, let go of the guilt. If you mindfully indulge as part of your self-care, that's fine. Be mindful (measured, careful, purposeful, limited) about it, give yourself permission to do it, and when it's over just LET IT GO. You can do it... We're all on your side.

aerorunnergirl said...

Lyn--
So sorry to hear that you're having a hard time lately. It's so hard to keep a good attitude and a good outlook when life is dealing you a crummy hand. But think of all you've learned since you started this weight-loss journey. You've learned way more than just "how to lose weight". You've learned how to believe in yourself and how to care for yourself and how to understand your worth! It's a knee-jerk reaction for most of us: when a crisis arises, we typically revert back to our old ways. But you're way too smart for that! The only thing we have control over is how we react! You can stay in control of this.

Again, I'm really sorry. There are loads of hands reaching out to you. We're all here to help you stop your fall!

Honi said...

There are things in life.. trials we must go through.. sometimes when we least expect it.. sometimes when we sort of expect it and sometimes we are blindsided.. I pray for you the strength and wisdom to help you deal with whatever is going on. You are right food is not going to fix this or make it better.. Dig down deeper than the darkness .. find the strength to let the food go and the wisdom to know you are s strong and smart and beautiful woman who has encouraged many to make changes and has made so many wonderful changes for herself.. sending positive energy your way!!

Lidian said...

Lyn, I haven't commented in ages but I wanted to send you a big hug - from someone who has also had a time like you are describing, very dark indeed, when let's just say a LOT of goldfish crackers and candy came my way and...yeah, it is SO hard, I know. No easy answers here but, well, I just wanted to let you know you are NOT alone. Thinking about you. xxx Lidian

spunkysuzi said...

Hugs and good vibes coming your way!! Stay strong you will come through this. It's very hard but don't give up. You are an inspiration to me and many others ;)

Anonymous said...

Lyn, I'm so very sorry to hear that you're going through such rough times. Please know that I'm here for you. Please feel free to PM me at any time on 3FC.

GirlyGirlSebas from 3FC

Ashley said...

Dear Lyn,

From reading your blog, you've struck me as a very strong person who will weather this personal crisis. Please know that people are rooting for you. I have no doubt you will succeed with your weight loss efforts and effectively handle whatever is going on in your personal life. I wish you all the best.

Ashley

Anonymous said...

You write such a wonderful blog and are such an inspiration to me. Hang in there with this crisis. I know you can do it. Look at what you have done so far- wonderful things like your children and your schooling and your weight loss quest. You have made such progress. You are a super writer. Prayers to you!

Heather said...

I am SO sorry to hear that you are going through a rough time. no one can blame you for falling into old habits, but now is also the time to climb out of them and begin NEW habits and ways of dealing with difficult situations. I have read your entries time and time again about the changes you have made, so I know you can make a change this time. dont be hard on yourself, just accept that this happened and then look at ways you can deal with the situation that doesnt involve food. I am sure there has got to be soemthing else that can lift your spirits or calm you down that doesnt involve food and I know you will find it. hang in there!

Twix said...

You are a strong woman, this I know. I'm sorry about whatever it is that you are having to go through but, you will get through it. Keep being the strong woman and mother that you have always been. And know that you are in my prayers this week. I know it may be hard to believe but there are many more good things going to happen in your life despite the crap you must endure for now. All things for a reason or season. They all make us stronger. I'm intervening in prayer for you, your children, and yes your husband too. I wish I could be closer to you. So I'm surrounding you with ((((hugs)))).

MsMagnetism said...

Lyn, 53 comments later what more can I really add. I've been here since the begining, I've watched you struggle and I've watched you overcome. You are so strong and you helped me up when I fell down and encouraged me to keep going and so here I am trying to do a bit of the same for you.

You've been through ALOT in the last few months and I've watched you come out shining in the end. Controling you emotions and your triggers and becoming stronger each and everyday. If you've done it before, you can do it again.

Don't forget that no matter what you are a beautiful, strong, loving, caring friend and mother. You are the greatest, simply awesome and I'm glad to even just have the chance to know you. You've helped me so much to understand things and see clearly when I'm in the 'fog' and to push me through the tough times with a smile and a shoulder to lean on.

I'm here if ever you need me, just as everyone else is here for you too. IM or Email me ANYTIME, heck girl I'll call you if you need to talk to someone and vent it out. Just don't give up on yourself, don't undo your hardwork because you DESERVE to be happy and healthy! Your kids deserve a happy healthy mom as well.

I love ya girlie and I'm here for you!

~Barbara

Dawn said...

Do not give up. You can be strong through rough times. No matter what you are going through emotionally, it will help if you at least feel good physically. You can make it through whatever you are dealing with and still stay on your healthy path. Whenever you feel like you can't handle it and you want to reach for food, go for a walk around the block. Get out of the house for a few minutes. Just remember that no matter what happens with your husband, you are a good person and you deserve to treat yourself with respect. Don't let whatever is going on with him make you doubt yourself. Good luck.

Anonymous said...

Lyn,

I'm sorry to hear you're going through a tough time right now. I'm thinking of you and sending you good thoughts.

Tai

Anonymous said...

You've got tough times ahead of you. You're going to feel so much better and be better prepared to deal with things fortified with the healthy food you've learned to prepare and eat. Please don't poison yourself with junky food.

We're all rooting for you through managing your eating choices and the tough work you have ahead of you. For you and for your kids, put aside the junk food and pick up the healthy food.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all this. I wish you all the best. You're tough and strong and you'll get through this. Just continue being the great person you are.

WebRover

Arachne said...

I will grab your arm. I will haul you up. Anytime. There is a lot of love out here in cyberspace for you. Peace Lyn. Peace.

Jayne said...

I have been reading your blog for many, many months now, and always come away in awe of your strength, determination and self-awareness. You will find your way out of the pit, one step at a time and be all the stronger for it. I wanted to share with you a poem someone shared with me once when I'd fallen into my own hole - once again.

"I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I'm in the same place, but it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in...it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street."

It takes a strong woman to ask for help -- you are that woman. You are so far along in your journey and you inspire me in my own. I know you will one day walk down that other street.

Steve and Jamie said...

I want to add my support! It's obvious that lots of people care about you. Please know that I am thinking about you and praying for you. Hang in there!

Betsey C. said...

There's an old saying in AA -- "There is nothing so bad that a drink won't make worse." We can certainly say the same for food in your case. Don't make it worse! Regaining your control over your food will make you feel better and stronger and will help you face what you are facing right now. I am so sorry, and I hope you feel better soon.

alexis said...

i hope everything will work out okay for you! im sending you some good thoughts... *hugs*

Anonymous said...

Lyn
I too am someone who reads your blog quite often. I am sorry you are going through a very rough patch. YOU can get through this, no matter what it is. Don't let it derail what you've accomplished so far. YOU'VE achieved a great deal and you are worth it. Don't give any of that accomplishment up. Stay strong.
Best of luck
Debra

Leticia said...

I read your blog faithfully and I'm very encouraged by your weight loss. You are strong, you are a fighter...and girl, you are working on being sexy. :o) You will get through this and when you do, you can tell everyone what I say, "You better talk to me now because when I get to my sexy weight, I'll be talking to people...by appointment only." :o) Cheer up. Things will work out. God is in control.

Anonymous said...

LYN! Better days lay ahead of you, and you know it. It will take some time, but they will arrive. In the meantime, take care of yourself now, no matter how hard it is, so you are strong, healthy and beautiful when the happy days get here! They will, too! So stay prepared. And when the clouds start to clear, you can shower, spruce up, and feel great about yourself! Now, go get 'em, honey!

P.S.I can't remember my Identity name that I signed up for, so I'm anonymous.

Anonymous said...

Ok,
well I love your blog.
I can relate in so many ways.
I have weighed 275lbs twice.

You can do this.

I remember when I was young and pregnant, and I thought my son's father would leave me. Both of us were raised in a "mom only" household.

I remember praying to God to just get me from point A to B.
I prayed to just get me through to next week or next month or the next year because I knew in my heart of hearts things surely could not stay that bad, and I could not get any lower or sink any deeper in despair.

I was afraid of being homeless and raising my child on my own, but I knew if that's what it took I was gonna have to be my own and my child's champion.

I have read your archives.

You have been your own champion in times of hardships and adversity.

You've been doing so well.

...and also...

I at one time lost a lot of weight
with this thought in mind...
"when this mutha*ucka leaves me, I am gonna be so damn sexy, let him go. I will have options. And I will replace that bitch with the quickness, if I choose to do so."

It is petty but damn if it wasn't a great motivator.

living well is the best revenge.
I can testify to that.

And if nothing else, at least maintain your weight. that is your latest accomplishment, besides being the best mom ever to those kids.

You will be adding to your problems by putting the weight back on. You are not a failure, and you will not quit this.

Focus on you first so that you can take care of the kids. Women are always called upon to give everyone else top priority. But if you can't take care of yourself first you cannot provide quality attention and care to those that need it.

You are so awesome, and I'm so happy to have found your blog.

GO FORTH AND BE FIERCE!
Ginzilla

Cat_82 said...

Wow...I'm the 67th comment. Must tell you how much support you have....You're strong and inspirational to AT LEAST these 67 people. I'm sure there are hundreds more who haven't read this post yet.

Huge hugs, and I'll be that voice in your ear telling you that no matter how empty you feel inside due to the emotional crap going on in your life right now....there is NO amount of food that will fill that emptyness. Only time helps in these situations....

Much support.

Anonymous said...

It's only been a few days of bad eating choices, you can overcome that.
Sadly, it's not going to get easier in the next while. I'll say a prayer for you and your children.
Do NOT let your husband's poor choices get in the way of the goals you have set for yourself. You are strong. You have done this before. You can do this now.

Dinah Soar said...

I just got home from a trip so just read your post...first, I am so sorry you are having to go through this...you are not alone...this, whatever it is, has happened to many others....you have dealt with bad things before and survived and you will survive this...for now, be kind to yourself...perhaps make maintaining your weight loss your goal for a short period?...eat healthfully, which is being kind to your body, as much as is possible....pray for wisdom and guidance...I am praying for you too...Remember...you are *passing through* this deep dark time...you are not going to stay in the valley, in the pit of despair, but go *through* it...when you come out the other side you will be stronger.

I leave you with this bit of advice that has helped me through some difficult times: just do the next thing. Get up each day, and do the next thing that must be done...no need to think farther ahead than that....as the day passes, do the next thing...make that your mantra.

My prayer in hard times is this: Lord Jesus Christ, son of God, have mercy on me. Make that the prayer of your heart and your mantra.

I am praying that same prayer on your behalf, that the Lord Jesus would be merciful to you and spare you as much as is possible.

Hang on!

Anonymous said...

Dear Lyn,

I have never left a message before, but I have been reading your stories for about two months now. You are such an incredible person with such perseverance! Don't let what happened with your spouse destroy what you have worked so hard for! I wish you all the best! Big hug from Europe :-)

yumi said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

I don't know what your husband dumped on you, but it sounds like it came as a shock and that you are not responsible for his behavior. And he is not worth you undoing the good you have done for yourself. You know you feel better when you take care of yourself. I pray that you can come out on the other side quickly. You are reacting the way I am sure most of us would. But you have come a long way. Take care of yourself. You are worth it.

Anonymous said...

DO NOT GIVE UP.
Major hugs and support from Europe, Bosnia and Herzegovina.
Dearest Lynn, I survived war, horrible war, lost so many friends and relatives. People I adored and loved just vanished. Yet after everything I went through, I couldn’t find an inspiration, help or love to save myself from dying inside and from the obesity dungeon where I was locked (you can not imagine how many emotions, memories, feelings were staffed with sugar and grease).
I didn’t care for anything, even my beautiful healthy little girls.
Then I started reading you, my first step on a long “self journey”, I laughter with you, I cried with you, I eat with you, I walked with you. For me you were a long lost friend that I found, someone that knows me so well, someone that cares, someone that holds my hand.
Dearest Lynn, I am not alone, so many women, and men I guess, felt the same.
I guess now is a perfect time for me to thank you for holding my hand, and please know that I am holding yours so tight that it hurts.
Please excuse my second language English!
Love
Friend

Shannon (Gale02 on 3FC) said...

Lyn,

I haven't commented in ages, but I want you to know that I am praying for you and your family. Try to remember that this deep, dark place you find yourself in is just that - a place. It isn't a part of who you are, it isn't in your soul. Know that people are reaching out for you and that you're being prayed for daily.

Once Upon A Dieter said...

I know this pit well, my dear girl. I ask the Good Lord to rain peace and calm into your soul and give you a calm mind to address whatever hardship has or is coming.

I hope it works out, whatever this is. I've been praying since I read this yesterday. Decided to leave this comment to let you know, though all these comments already posted tell you clearly that YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Hugs,
The Princess

Kate said...

Dear Lyn,
Again, not sure what to say that hasnt already been said. But I jut wanted to add my heart felt support and say that I would not be as far today as I am without you. I read, I absorb and I draw strenght from each and every one of your posts. It is an honor to be able to try and do the same for you. Feel what you need to feel, do what you need to do, but know that we are all here for you when you are ready to come back to us. Love K

Anonymous said...

In this difficult time I know it's hard to take care of you -- the kids come first -- but a mom who takes care of herself is better able to care for her family -- which makes you a very important person :) My thoughts and prayers are with you at this difficult time. "Been there, done that" and you will come out a better/stronger person -- trust me
(I snuck over here from 3FC -- they are worried/concerned/thinking of you too!!)

Manda said...

Lyn, You are on my mind. Don't give in to food and don't give up. No matter what has happened you will get through it. It may not seem like it right now but you will. I am heartbroken that you are going through this at all. We are all here to support you. Hugs

Lori said...

Lyn - come to 3FC, we are all there for you, don't forget that!

KLK said...

::Hug:: I'm so sorry to hear about this. But PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't turn to food to heal you -- it will only make everything worse, undo all your hard work, and leave you in more pain in the end ::hug:: I hope everything turns out okay in the end and know that all of us are thinking of you and keeping you in our prayers

Anonymous said...

I am another silent lurker and hang on your words and wisdom more than you can imagine. I am sad and frustrated that such a beautiful and intelligent woman (not to mention funny as hell) has to be dealing with something so difficult.

Your strength and sheer determination shines through each blog entry and this one is no exception. The fact that you came to share and seek help instead of just disappearing shows how far you've come.

Remember that when the pain and fear of staying the same outweighs the pain and fear of changing, we change. You have already seen your darkest day and are WELL on your way to the other side. Nothing is going to erase what you have accomplished.

I am praying for you.

Much love and support, Julie

MB said...

I'm praying that you get through this rough time. Try not to let your emotions take control over your good eating habits. No matter what happens you will feel better if you keep taking care of yourself. Keep the faith.

CactusFreek said...

Oh my goodness! [[HUG]] I myself have recieved a "revelation" phone call from my ex husband while i was married to him [with a pre-schooler and one on the way]. As soon as i read that bit in your post, i nearly started crying :o(
Stay strong, you can do it :o)
You have awesome support community here - 84 comments of encouragement, wow!