Thursday, May 1, 2008

May 1, 2008: 228 Pounds

It's still so hard for me to believe I weigh 228 pounds. I feel like a whole new person. I remember how sad I was, really, on the inside, when I weighed 278. I mean, I had a rich life and kids and all, but there was this underlying sadness and hopelessness about my weight and health. I used to wonder if I was going to die in my sleep from being so obese. I had heart palpitations. Sometimes, as I was sitting and stuffing food into my mouth during a binge, I would get the distinct impression I was killing myself. When I ate things that were especially unhealthy (like a bunch of sausage and biscuits, or a couple Big Macs and fries), sometimes I would get this fleeting thought, "what if eating this is too much for my body, and makes me have a heart attack and die?" But not once did those thoughts ever stop me from eating the food. If that isn't real sadness, I don't know what is.

I remember feeling like I was in the middle of a river, stuck in the swift current and going to drown. I wanted to lose weight. I wanted to live. I would grab onto a piece of wood or a rock as I flailed about trying to stay afloat; but ironically, my buoyant fat was what was dragging me under. Every day I would try to stick to some plan. I would start eating healthy but by afternoon I had lost my grip yet again and was going under with my hands full of Cheetos and Little Debbie cakes. It went on like that for YEARS. Only a person who has felt that kind of desperation really understands. After awhile you just give up and eat yourself into a coma for weeks until you are feeling so miserable that you have to try again. And again. And again...

It IS going to work. Please don't quit. Please don't think it's impossible. It is hard... very hard. But as long as you keep on working your way towards the shore, you are not going to drown. Because you know what? YOU are stronger than the current. And when you finally make enough progress to get your feet under you and feel solid ground, then you will KNOW you can make it the rest of the way. Don't live in misery.

A reader emailed me last week and said that she admires my ability to "refocus." What a great word for it. I always say, don't give up. What I really mean is, keep refocusing ON YOUR GOAL. We all lose focus sometimes. But YOU can choose whether you refocus immediately or not. Keep refocusing and never lose sight of the healthy you that you KNOW you can be.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Lyn, thank you for sharing these thoughts. Especially the second to last paragraph. Very helpful!

Tai

Donna B said...

Glad to read your comments about it being hard and "sticking to it". Thanks for your blog! I have been reading so many lately that have gotten me really down. People expeect to lose it with eating whatever they want, then get upset when they don't see the results on the scale. For the first time in my life, I realize I MUST make PERMANENT changes in my eating patterns and food. Sure, I want a big icecream sundae right down, but I want to fit in those size 14 pants more! You and I are about the same weight right now! I just hit the 40# gone mark since January 1st. Keep up the good work!

Heather said...

congrats! you better believe it!

Anonymous said...

Lyn,
I just spent some time reading through some of your posts. When I read some of your posts (on how you used to act and react) I think "THAT's ME!" and even looking at your picture, I could put my head on your body...in fact, I think I have those capris. Did you get them at Fashion Bug?? LOL Anyhoo...I just wanted to say, congrats on 50 pounds gone! And keep up the blogging! I am needed to embark on a new journey myself and your blog is inspiring! I just finised a Beth Moore Bible study entitled Breaking Free...I'm ready to BREAK FREE from my own Obesity! And let go of this terrible stronghold food has on my life!

Thank you Thank you...for sharing your struggles and your achievements! And I love the fact that you are willing to put up pictures...even without a head :-)

Faith

Ceres said...

This is such a great post! Thanks for writing, thanks for sharing those thoughts, thanks for communicating what some of us find hard to put into words, and thanks for giving such an inspiration to continue changing our lives, one small step at a time.

new*me said...

Once again, you are an inspiration. Brutal honesty and raw emotion are what we all need to have to get to the deeper issues of being overweight. Thanks for the post :)

RunningNan said...

thank you for sharing that. It's all about refocusing!

Sunny said...

Great post - you say out loud what so many people are feeling inside.

In the midst of the swirling river, it's good to hear someone with their feet firmly planted on solid ground (even if they aren't quite to the shore yet). It's good to hearing you calling out to those of us still struggling out in the middle - letting us know that WE will eventually make it over to where you are. If we fight hard enough, we will touch the bottom and be able to work our way towards the shore right along side you!