Friday, April 4, 2008

When Did This Happen??

I think an alien has taken over my body, or my brain. I seem to have morphed into a normal person or something. When did this happen??

For years I have thought I was pretty normal. Except for the weight, of course... but even that is getting more and more normal in America. Fat women abound. But what I mean is I thought things were pretty normal, except for the fact that I was turning into a blimp, losing my mobility and sustaining a pretty bleak outlook on my own personal health and quality of life. I was working, going to school, being a mom. That's normal, right? Morbid obesity became my normal.

Suddenly this last week, I have noticed that my normal has changed. For the first time in ten or more years, I feel the cloud has lifted. I am much more mobile, and able to do things like clean the house, shop, walk around at my kids' events, work in my yard, and even go downstairs to say goodnight to my children. My life no longer revolves around candy bars and potato chips. I am thinking more and more about LIVING. And I am, as a result, actually DOING more living.

It came up on me gradually but dawned on me suddenly, how my life has changed with a 45 pound loss. (Yes, 45... I am at 233 now). I just FEEL normal. I am not sure how else to put it into words, but things are just different now. I am more active during the day. Sometimes I feel a little sore at night because of all the activity, but it is a GOOD kind of sore. It isn't just my knees killing me. It is a gentle sore that tells me my muscles are getting worked and developed. After years of inactivity, it feels so good. I am really starting to LIKE the feeling I have after I exercise. How weird is THAT? I have NEVER liked exercise. I have dreaded it all my life. I would just groan at the thought of having to spend time riding that bike or strength training. I would rather just sit. Now that I am in the habit of a bike ride and strength training on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, I look forward to it. When I am done, my body feels energized. I can feel the improved circulation. I feel ALIVE. And I like it.

Last night I had an experience that illustrates just how far I have come. I had a pretty good day and ate within my calorie limit. By dinnertime, I had to watch my portions because I only had 400 calories or so left. We were having sloppy joes (homemade), so I made them lean as usual. Instead of putting mine on a bun, I made myself a big salad and sprinkled a bit of the meat on top. It was much more satisfying and fewer calories than one sandwich would have been. But then later that night I was a bit stressed out about something, and I just wanted to EAT. I wasn't hungry, just... well, you know. I broke down around 9pm and had a cup of tea with milk and sugar, and a small pack of "breakfast cookies" (140 calories). Afterwards, I felt bad because I never eat so late, and I figured it would stall any weight loss. Over the next hour I got madder at myself and contemplated eating some other junk as well. I fought it and fought it. (If any of you think this weight loss is at all easy for me, take note. It is NOT EASY. It is a lot of work, physically and mentally. It is a battle everyday, but one I am going to win). After awhile, the stress was getting to me. I got up and... what did I do?

I went downstairs and rode my exercise bike for 20 minutes. At 10:40pm, I did this.

Am I insane?? Who is this person???

It's me, and it's a me I like a LOT better than the me I was 45 pounds ago. That me would have just given up and eaten junk and went to bed, feeling disgusted and "starting over tomorrow." No more. There is no tomorrow. All I have is right now. I like the ways I am changing, and yes, it is getting easier and more enjoyable. Instead of turning to food to alleviate my stress, for the first time in my life, I turned to exercise.

I thank you all for reading, and commenting and being so supportive. When I started this blog, it was just an attempt to try "yet again" to lose weight, and a place to make some mental notes and get my feelings out. I never thought people would really come and read about my journey and CARE about my journey. I am so touched by you all. If this blog helps one person realize that they can do it, and lose the weight and improve their life, it would make me so happy! (You really can do this.)

Now go morph your life :)

14 comments:

Sarah said...

Yes, you really can chane your life!

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you're writing this journal as I'm really enjoying reading it! We have so much in common. Great job letting the bicycle win for your "comfort of choice." I must confess, I've not quite reached that point.

Anonymous said...

sorry about coming across as "anonymous" on my comment. I don't have a google account. This is Rhonda aka Girlygirlsebas from 3FC.

Midnyte said...

One never knows when the words we write can affect others and have meaning.. I have been reading your blog for over a month now, when I began my own weighloss journey.I check it often and find your an inspiration.. Knowing that you are still achieving and helping someone else in the process!! Thanks Heaps!!

Sunny said...

I love watching your progress - we have a lot in common and started at very similar weights - so it's great seeing your progress and how far you've come - it makes me think that I can do this too! Someday when I lose 40+ pounds I'll be feeling as wonderful and "normal" as you do today! Knowing that helps keep me motivated to press on.

Lola said...

45 pounds, 45 pounds...
THIS IS A LOT.
i feel really happy for you, lyn.

pmmccusker said...

This is really weird. Tonight as I was starting my walk, I had some similar thoughts. I thought about all I had done during the day and I was still motivated enough to go on a two mile walk.

In the past, I would have come home from work, sat on the couch. Made some fast, carb loaded meal...or have stopped at a fast food joint on the way home. I would be watching TV and probably munching on some chips or chocolate. (or both)

Tonight, I got home, made dinner (Turkey meatballs with no salt added diced tomatoes over brown rice), put in a load of laundry, changed the sheets, ate, did dishes, put in another load of laundry and then brought the dog on a walk.

You have come a long way. I love reading about your journey.

Paula
pmmccusker (AIM)

Anonymous said...

Lyn, I just wanted to let you know again, that YOU have helped ME. YOU are “gettin’ it” (like getting it done) as my ghetto roommate would say. By the way, you are a very good writer, better than A LOT of bloggers. Keep ignoring that voice that tells you you want food when you don‘t, but you seem to have a good grip on not letting it get in your way. So I just wanted to congratulate you for your DAMN BIG HUGE changes you’ve made. Big-ups on not getting too mad at yourself for eating some cookies. That’s normal, just don’t let it get emotional (as in don’t keep eating a couple of cookies cuz you’re feeling stressed out). I’m looking to God to help me and in one of your earlier posts, you mentioned that if there is a devil, he tells us we really want those “hot dogs” or whatever food you mentioned in the post/whatever food we THINK we want BUT deep down, we know we DON’T really want or only want emotionally. I really think the devil has something to do with it, along with our own idea that we’re not good enough. Keep developing good habits and whenever you do feel stressed out, remind yourself how good it feels to eat healthy and that food is not your god or not our answer to our problems. I see that in my own life, food for a while was my God. Today, I binged. I’ve lost 18 pounds but today I binged! And it was disgusting. Ahhh, I was so mad, but I went on the elliptical. Thanks for your encouragement. So from that I learned to not let my feelings get in the way of nourishing my body. GO LYN, GO! Good job on noticing that at this time in your lifestyle change, it's not good for you to have cookies at 9 pm.

Trisha J. said...

All we have is right now. You're right. I need to pound that into my head. Don't wait for tomorrow. (pound pound pound) Thanks.

Cammy said...

Ah, *control.* It's a beautiful thing, isn't it? I'm so happy for you!

Heather said...

you are fantastic!! I can completely agree with suddenly feeling "normal" as well. Im not 100% there, but getting there and its a nice feeling isnt it!

Betsey C. said...

I love this post! Anyone who deals with compulsive overeating can identify with your struggle. And the fact that you went and rode your exercise bike instead of overeating is so awesome. I hope you feel powerful, because you deserve it!

Anonymous said...

Finding your journal has helped motivate me to commit to myself again. Thanks!

Larisa said...

Great success, thanks for sharing it! Would love to feature you on Wellsphere.com, a site that helps people to live healthier. Can't find a contact form so thought I'd comment; look forward to hearing from you. Thanks, Larisa