Friday, April 18, 2008

Stress, and an Update

It's been almost a week since my last post, and it's been a pretty tough week. So let me give a little update.

When I went to go get my follow-up testing for the "suspicious areas" on my mammogram, I was in full panic mode. My emotions were extremely fragile, partly due to the worry of the test, partly due to the other stresses in my life. I had an almost palpable urge to go straight for the McDonald's drive-thru on the way to the test. I actually considered it. That was always my mode of dealing with my feelings... stuff them down with food. You know how when you're upset you get that lump in your throat and your eyes burn like you're going to cry? Well that lump will go away if you eat enough junk. So had this been a year ago, I would have gotten a Big Mac meal and an iced coffee and cookies, sat in the parking lot and wolfed them down with the urgency of a starved hyena, and then happily walked in for my testing, feeling satisfactorily numbed. Food is a great anesthesia. However, this time, I refrained.

When I went in for the testing, I had to wait in two different waiting rooms 3 different times. The whole time, AND the whole time I was being tested, I felt on the brink of tears. I felt like I had to think about other stuff and block the worries out of my mind or I would explode into a font of tears, and sit weeping in my hospital gown and have some random technician trying to comfort me. I stayed composed, but it was hard. It's hard feeling your emotions when you're used to just stuffing them instead.

Thankfully, the radiologist came and spoke to me after the testing and assured me that he believed the problem to be benign, but that I should have mammograms every 6 months for 2 years to be sure. No biopsies, though, because he is "quite sure" I am okay. I am so grateful.

After the testing I sat in my car and again had the urge to go and eat and eat and eat, to comfort myself. But instead I went home and rode my bike.

The rest of the week has been stressful also. I took my birthday child to Outback Steakhouse for his birthday, and gained back the 3 pounds I JUST lost that I had gained on vacation last week. UGH! I did make better choices, but not ideal. So I've spent the week fighting my way back down from 235 AGAIN. Also, my ex husband is in town and we had a meeting about visitation. No fun AT ALL. However, I had an epiphany that I will write about later. But after 3+ hours in a room with him I was ready to pull my hair out. Boy can he rant. Then I went home and made 2 kinds of homemade fudge for my son. Our oven also broke this week (when it rains, it pours) so I couldn't bake him a birthday cake. Instead he asked for fudge and an ice cream cake. Yes, I had a mini-slice of Reece's Blizzard Ice Cream Cake from Dairy Queen and I still stayed within my calories. (ONE slice of a 10" ice cream cake... 1/8 of the cake... is about 750 calories!! WHAT?? So I had about a third of a slice).

It was in fact a really hard week for me, but I upped my exercise to biking 27 minutes 5 times a week, plus the usual 3x strength training. I lost that three pounds AGAIN and I am at 232 pounds today.

My daughter is sitting here watching a Strawberry Shortcake video. There is a little girl on the show who is upset. She went all the way to Chocolate Town because she was out of chocolate chips. She started eating their chocolate furniture, and someone (a bunny) told her to stop. She said:
"I'm sorry. I love chocolate, especially when I'm upset. And right now I'm very upset. So upset I could eat a couch. And a dining room table."

That about sums it up, doesn't it?

This is no longer a "diet" to me. This is my life, and life has stress. No more excuses. Now, on to new fresh pounds. Time to get into the 220's.


Dottie said...

I'm so glad to hear you got some relief from the mammogram results. I applaud you for refraining from the emotional eating...Sounds like your week has been tough. And it sounds like YOU are tough! Hang in there and the 220's will be here before you know it! Take care and have a great weekend!

Cammy said...

I'm so glad the mammogram results were okay. Whew!

Kudos to you for sticking to your plan through all the stress and strain!

Anonymous said...

You made some really good decisions through a really rough week. Kudos.


Dinah Soar said...

I'm behind in my blog reading and wanted to say I know how scary it is to have a cancer scare---I'm a breast cancer survivor---16 years in June.

It is easy to panic and let fear take hold and equate cancer with death.

But many people survive cancer...early detection is a gift. So be thankful that you can watch and catch anything early and in the meantime don't allow it to worry you.

I say don't allow, because it would be human to worry, but we can by force of will decide not to live in bondage to fear.

A doctor said to me at one point "don't put your life on hold because of cancer". That advice has stayed with me because I realized I've put my life on hold so many times for so many things.

So hang in there and keep your chin up and your hopes high...we can expect the worst or expect the best. I believe that staying positive puts less stress on our body and aids in healing/health.

I know you had some lonely moments too...nothing makes one feel more alone than the thought of having feel like no one can really understand how bad it is. And they really can't unless they've been there.

You are not alone, and I think you've done a great job hanging tough. I'm pulling for you and so are all the others who read your blog.

Kathy said...

Totally understandable behavior to most of us here in weight-loss blogs land! Glad you are ok. I went through something similar a few years back and just felt sick with worry!

Go, Lyn!!!

Want to join me on "One Perfect Day" Monday?

Shelladawn from Downunder said...

Excellent news on the mammogram results.You have had a hard time but handled it brilliantly.You are fabulous.Love reading your entries.You are inspiring.Keep the good work up.