Thursday, April 10, 2008

Reality Check

When I got back from my vacation yesterday, I was all ready and excited to get back on my program. I had done okay, really. The 3 days of my vacation were a lot of fun, and the eating went something like this:

Day 1: healthy breakfast, healthy lunch, no snacks, and then Pizza Hut for dinner. Three slices and some Coke, and a few chips, and some Reece's Pieces. Half a danish and a few chocolate covered potato chips.

Day 2: brunch at the buffet was 1/2 pancake, 1 bacon, 1 sausage, a few bites of sausage gravy on biscuit, some eggs and a few bites of potato, a bit of juice and a coffee with creamer. Snack was coffee with creamer, 2 chocolate covered Oreos, a chocolate covered graham cracker. Dinner was 2 slices of leftover pizza and some Coke.

Day 3: I woke up feeling literally like someone beat the crap out of me. I looked in the mirror and looked absolutely awful. Skin broken out, face puffy, dark circles under my eyes. I felt terrible. Right then and there I said, "self, enough is enough. You just can't eat like that anymore. Your body isn't used to it." So at the buffet breakfast I skipped the junk and went for green tea with honey, wheat toast with a bit of peanut butter, eggs and sliced peaches. I drank some extra water, too. However lunch was not so great... 2 pieces of battered and fried fish and a few french fries, and a small milkshake. I felt so icky after that, that I skipped dinner and just had tea.

I did some swimming and lots of walking and we had a fun time. When I got home at 2pm, I was still stuffed with fried fish. I got on my bike and rode for a new record: 25 minutes! Then I did my strength training.

This morning I weighed in at 235 pounds. That's a 3 pound gain, ugh. But I know it will come back off.

Now, all this stuff seemed really important to me when I came home. I even was thinking about how I wanted to blog about it. How I watched the Biggest Loser in the hotel room and was so inspired by the women and their dedication and their weight loss. I got up this morning and the #1 thing on my mind was to get back on program and get those 3 pounds off.

Then I got this phone call. It was the doctor's office. Well I hadn't mentioned this before, but last week I had my first mammogram, and it came back with "areas of concern." So I have to go get another one in a week or so, so they can zoom in and see if I need a biopsy of those areas. So that has been stressing me out... especially since my new insurance is probably not going to cover this stuff. Well today they called again, and said that also my pap exam also came back bad. Not just "bad, and you need a retake," but "bad, you have moderate dysplasia aka pre-cancerous cells in the cervix, and need to come in for a culposcopy and biopsy and maybe a LEEP procedure." Mind you, I have never had any problems in this area before. So the whole cancer thing really threw me. It took my breath away. I had to sit down. And they can't even get me in for at least 3 weeks. I hung up the phone, went in my bedroom and broke down. Oh my God, how can this be happening to me? What's going to happen to me? I had images in my head of me losing not only my breasts but my whole uterus. I just kept saying, over and over, "please, make it go away. please, make it go away..."

After I got a grip, I went out and took care of my children. My husband is still gone on business. I don't have any family to talk to about this. So what does someone with an eating disorder do with this kind of stress? Do you know? Can you guess?

I walked my daughter to the park. I sat and watched her playing and thought about how precious life is. I tried to just keep breathing. And I lost my appetite. For the first time in my life, I had no urge to binge or eat at all. Instead, I had an overwhelming urge to ride my exercise bike. I just wanted to get on my bike and ride... and zone out. Yeah, I zone out on my bike the way I used to zone out in some kind of emotional coma when I binged. So when I got home I did just that. Rode the bike.

I feel calmer now. I haven't eaten much today. But the whole weight loss thing sort of *poofed* into thin air when I realized that my life may be in danger, may be changing drastically at least for awhile. Maybe I am overreacting. I read online that this kind of thing is completely treatable in most cases. But when it happens to you, it's different.

I have to keep on living though. I won't have answers for at least a month. I may as well just go on and live, and not stay stressed for weeks. So that's what I'll do. And I am glad I have you folks to share this very personal, very scary thing with. Thank you.

17 comments:

Hanlie said...

I'm sorry that you're going through this right now... Your mental and emotional attitude is so important at times like this, so I commend you for being as reasonable as you are. Good luck! You'll be just fine!

Vickie said...

Major HUGS

Betsey C. said...

Try not to worry! I know that is almost impossible, but keep riding your bike to clear your head. You are doing great, and you will be fine. This too shall pass.

Roxanne said...

I'm glad that we could be here for you to share. You seem like a really strong person. I'm so glad that you said it was the bike you turned to and not the frig. Good for you!

Jeper Drai said...

This is why you get PAP smears and I get prostate exams. Early detection, treatment, and long life.

Ready to Shrink said...

I will keep you in my thoughts and send all the good karma I can muster up out your way.

Kathy said...

It is so cruel to make people wait after giving them this type of worrying news! They should know that you just want to get in there and take care of it!

You're in my thoughts!

Anonymous said...

I hope everything turns out okay Lyn. Be proud of yourself that you coped so well with all this and did not turn to food! Sending you good, positive thoughts.

Tai

Anonymous said...

I know this is a very hard time right now, but you should be so proud of yourself! (I am!) You coped with a very stressful situation by spending quality time with your children and taking good care of yourself. That is a real achievement. And I agree strongly with what Jeper Drai posted:
We get pap smears and mammograms for early detection. That's just another positive way that you are taking good care of yourself, and making sure you can find any problems early on. I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, Lyn!

Lynne said...

Worry about what is in your control and knowledge TODAY. No "what ifs" allowed. Take care of yourself and your family and that means diet and exercise. You are doing a good job -no, a GREAT JOB! Keep it up !

Anonymous said...

You are handling this extremely well. Sorry you're having to deal with it and to deal with both at once, incredible. Congrats for hopping on the exercise bike. I wish the doctor's office had been able to handle it more smoothly. It seems like the most important news gets communicated by a nurse over the phone or answering machine. We're pulling for you and are here for you.

WebRover

Shelladawn said...

Sending you positive thoughts and vibes from Australia.I agree with Hanlie that your mental and emotional state are both equally important at times like these.I continue to find you very inspiring.Your in my thoughts and prayers.

Stamp Til Dawn said...

Good luck and stay strong! One of the few things you CAN control right now is what you do and how you handle it... I hope you keep making great choices and continue to get healthy.

Better health will help you through this journey.

Heather said...

wow Im sorry that you have to go through this. I thikn you are doing really well and Im glad you had a good trip. the 3 pounds is nothing and will be off before you can give it another thought. you hang in there.

Sunny said...

Sorry you are having to worry about so much at one time. Most of the time these things turn out to be nothing - - but it's good that you had all the testing to know for sure, the sooner the better. Unfortunately I have first hand experience with dysplasia and the whole biopsy thing. Drop me a line if you need someone to talk to. Going to the park was a wonderful way to deal with the stress - just keep making those good decisions.

Ceres said...

I really hope that everything turns out to be fine; in my eyes, you're already a hero for coping with the news without resorting to food.

Dottie said...

I'm sorry that you are having to go through this stuff. I myself had several 'abnormal' pap smears before I had my kids. I had the LEEP procedure too. So far, everything has been fine. My paps have been normal. Thank God. Sending ((HUGS)) and prayers. We're here for you.