Sunday, April 20, 2008

I Am a Hologram

You know those little silvery pictures that you have on your credit cards or see on children's collectible cards? When you look at them from one angle, you see a certain image, but when you tilt the card a little bit, suddenly the image changes. On my Visa, it is an eagle whose wings flap up and down depending on how you hold it. That's a type of hologram, and that's what I have become.

Sometimes, when I look in the mirror, I am just shocked. Who is that thin woman? She is not the morbidly obese ME I had become accustomed to seeing! Heck, just this morning after I stepped on the scale and saw an astounding 230, I got dressed, looked in the mirror and had to do a double take. Wow! I look almost normal! I have a waist, I don't have such a giganto belly and thighs anymore. I look SO GOOD.

Then I go and sit down on my bed to put on my socks. My reflection in the mirror catches my eye. Whoa Nellie! Who is that huge blob sitting on the bed?? Her belly and thigh and butt fat is all jammed up together as she has her leg raised to put on a sock. And boy is that a MASS of fat! I stop mid-sock to stare. I know it's rude to stare but I just can't help myself. She looks like a giant pear with a teeny head on top. Wait, that can't be ME. I looked thin just a second ago...

I don't really know what to make of it, but depending not only on my position but also on my mood, I seem to switch back and forth between seeing a thin woman and a gigantic woman in the mirror. I know it's got to be in my head. I am so used to seeing enormity that that is what I "see" in my mind when I think of myself. And frankly, I am still severely obese. (I think with another 7 pounds gone I will leave that BMI category and just be "obese"... but still). I am not really the "thin" woman I see, nor am I the ginormous one. I am somewhere in between and my brain is playing tricks on me. Surely I am much smaller than I have been in over a decade. But just as surely I am much larger than most people. I am not "normal" sized yet, but I am looking more and more normal every week.

I see both illusions depending on which angle I am thinking from. But when I look at the cold hard facts, they are great. I have lost 48 pounds. I have lost inches. I have gone from a tight size 26 jeans and 3x tops to size 20-22 jeans and an 18/20 top or pants. Not bad. I am on my way. And someday when I look in the mirror, the only image I will see smiling back at me will be a healthy, normal-weight me.

Keep on workin' it. We will get there.


Take One Stripper Pole said...

Yes, we will get there. I totally get what you are saying about the mirrors and feeling like a hologram. Some days I too look in the mirror and say " wow I am looking good" then I will look in the mirror by the elevator and say "BLECH!"

Here is to the day we both look in the mirror and smile!!!!

Ceres said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ceres said...

He he, this is a funny post! It's definitely true for me as well, I look so much better standing up straight :-)
Well, think about how much energy it used to take you to actually put your socks on while sitting in bed. You were probably so out of breath that you never even looked at yourself in the mirror :-) But that day will come when you will be proud of what you're looking at, no matter what angle you're looking from! Keep up the hard work, and kudos on the new low!

Shelladawn said...

This post is spot on for me as well.Before I leave the house I look in a full length mirror, all angles front, back sides, yeah I look good and remarkably slimmer.Then when walking in a shopping centre I see a very very large girl coming towards me, dressed like me, same hair as me, same bag and shoes.Oh no.Yep its me and I didn't even recognise my reflection.How can our perception of our image change in such a short time.Weird, and glad its just not me!

Heather said...

I can definitely relate!! some times I will see my shadow or something and think, wow I look thin. but then I will try something on or look at myself and think, wow I still have a lot of weight to lose. its hard, but Im sure one day we will see ourselves exactly as we are and be happy with that.

Vickie said...

In my personal experience, this lasts for a long, long time.

It also appears to be very normal - you read of it again and again in blog land.

The mirrors in dressing rooms are particularly brutal because of the lighting. So, eventually one comes to terms with the mirrors at home and then has to adjust to these dressing room (demons).

There is also a whole process with pictures/photos because the 2D image is not the same as what we see in our mind (or the mirror).

I love when you write things like this - It reminds me of where I was, where I am.

I am starting my second year in my goal range, on maintenance, and I am JUST expecting to see and then actually seeing me - REALITY - in the mirror. For the longest time - I expected to see or was shocked to see (especially my belly) the fat pockets.

Although when I sit, I STILL expect to feel/see my belly on my lap and am shocked when there is nothing there.

Anonymous said...

I have to agree with you. For some days I look in the mirror and I see all the weight I have lost (nearly 70 pounds) and then I look and all I see is this roll here and that roll there and I wonder if I am losing my mind. How can that mirror lie? But I guess it's the old adage of either a glass half empty or full, depending on how you look at it.


missmeganbunny said...

You are kicking butt. I just stumbled upon your blog tonight while looking for something to do with the LEEKS I impulsively bought today. This is the first I've read of your weight loss story and I have to say... keep up the fight. The hologram syndrome is one of negativity's many weapons to trip us up. I lost a total of about 80 pounds over the course of 2006, starting at 220 and ending around 140. I still struggle with the hologram thing every day. My REALISTIC mind knows that I cannot be really gaining and losing massive amounts of weight every few days, based on how fat I feel-- even though my SELF-CRITICAL mind seems to believe I do. I think that an important thing to do, when you decide to embark on the weight-loss journey, is to really learn how to turn those voices off. Take it from me, they'll probably be there no matter how much weight you lose unless you take 'em head on.
Anyway, sorry for my preachy tone! You're doing an awesome job and you look great!

Anonymous said...

You are such a fantastic writer. I love the comparison to the hologram. I'm so pleased for your ongoing success & progress.


Anonymous said...

I hear what you are saying. I started at 245 and have lost close to twenty pounds so far. However, most days I feel like I look worse than before. I guess it is a matter of perception. I am more aware of my body now...Reminds me of the days when I was 154 and I thought I was fat. I remember telling my sister, when she was complaining about being a ghastly 140, "One day you'll wish you were this 'fat'"...Oh well, this time is different. "Upwards and Onwards" is my motto. I will get back there someday...