Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Recovery from an Eating Disorder

I really, really miss being able to walk into the store and buy a bag of mini Reece's cups, a bag of chips, and some Coke and order a couple of pizzas and eat it without thinking. I've made some big changes. Most of the time I am okay with it. I remember how miserable I was when I was doing all that. I usually don't miss it. But sometimes it really bothers me.

Today I wanted to binge SO BAD. I didn't WANT to in my mind... but it's like a giant urge that comes over me and all I want to do is zone out and mindlessly eat without worrying about calories, health, or weight gain. But this is reality. I can't binge without affecting my health and my weight. I just can't live like that anymore. But that doesn't stop me from getting really mad that I can't binge anymore. I feel like screaming profanities. I tell myself NO, you CAN NOT binge, and I mean it. I know I am not going to binge... and I get so mad I grit my teeth. I get tears in my eyes. I feel like I have lost an old friend. I want the comfort. I want the warm embrace of a hot fudge sundae melting down my throat and oozing into my hungry, waiting fat cells. I can almost feel my thighs expanding when I think about it. But I don't want to be obese anymore.

I know I am okay. I am in control. I think I have really done a good job of tying up the binge monster. It's been a long, long time since I actually binged, and I just don't see it happening again... maybe ever. I am too aware now. But I still get those old feelings sometimes and get really mad that I can't just enjoy a huge bag of Easter candy and then a bag of Cheetos to balance it out, like I used to do. I want to have a great, big tantrum and kick and stomp my feet and scream "BUT I WANT IT!!!!!!!!" I do that in my head, and then I take a deep breath and move on.

I hope someday I don't even WANT it anymore, but until then, I acknowledge the feelings and I am thankful that I am in a better place now, mentally and physically. My binge days are over. I am going to be okay.

10 comments:

barbra said...

i wish i could have half of the strenghtness you do.

you are so strong lyn. fight this and keep going.

tomorrow is my first day walking and was kind of excited about it. and, to clebrate, i ate a bunch of chocolate, chips, a big hamburger, and now i am here totally lost.
so, keep going. don't be lost like you used to be. or like i am right now.

Heather said...

it definiteoy is hard. lately I have been wanting my easter candy favorites and I would love to just buy a bag and sit and eat chocolate until I could puke. but I know that wont get me anywhere. we can do this!

Jen said...

Amen Sister!!

Dinah Soar said...

It really is tough and it's always with us...the desire to binge...doesn't seem to be an easy answer...my current thinking is delving into the psychology of it all...I'm at a point in my journey where I think the key to long term success is dealing with the mental issues that are relative to food and eating that seem to have a stronghold on us.

I heard a comment on you-tube by a man who had weighed 600 pounds and now is thin...he said he didn't care about eating anymore and that until a person gets to the point where he doesn't care about food, he hasn't really lost the weight...it may not be on his body anymore, but it's right outside the body waiting to climb back on....

I thought...shoot...he does have a point...I've lost the weight from my body, but really have'nt lost it, because the loss was temporary,...the weight was still hanging around, only outside my body.... it was still part of me, just not part of my body....

I don't know what it will take to get to the point where food isn't so important, or if I'll ever get there....but I'm focusing as much on changing my thinking and dealing with those internal issues that cause me to seek the comfort of food....

Hanlie said...

I know that feeling only too well! You're doing great!

Chubby Chick said...

I know what you mean. I have wished so many times that I simply would not WANT to binge. Your an inspiration to us all! :)

Lynne said...

YOU ARE STRONG !!!

Did you think about WHY you wanted to binge at that particular moment? I mean if you were having coffee with friends would you be apt to have that urge? Were you alone? lonely? angry?

I don't know myself. In fact, if I could see patterns I would know what to do when the urge to zone out over a bag of doritos comes over me. For now I guess we both just need to be strong and keep guard for the Monster so he doesn't sneak up and bite us on the a$$.

Christopher Maples said...

Lyn, you are doing a great job beating the eating addiction that we suffer from. You're ability to say no is fantastic.

You really are about my favorite weight loss blogger. I can tell all of your posts are straight from the heart. I read you daily for inspiration. In fact, these last two posts have motivated me to get to the gym now - something I've been putting off all morning.

Teale said...

You're doing such an awesome job battle the mental monsters too. I will admit that reading this made me crave all of those things you were writing about. lol. Guess I need to battle the mental monsters too! :)

Anonymous said...

Lynnnnnn,

Gosh, thank you!!! I can't write it enough, but you are the bomb! You're honest and I like that. It's normal to THINK you miss that stuff, but really, as you posted, it's about comfort. You don't miss that horrible feeling after you eat too much. So keep being careful about the situations where you feel like not eating healthy.

I've binged before, I felt so depressed, but I KNOW I do not miss it even if I think I do.

Lyn, you're worth it, I know you are, you're body does not want unhealthy food, your mind THINKS it does. Keep thinking WHY???, why you want food, why????, whenever you feel like eating, are you hungry or sad/angry???

-Cindy