As much as I really loved having those "238 pounds" pictures right at the top of my page, I gotta keep posting... mainly so that in another month or two, I will be posting even BETTER pictures of me with FIFTY pounds gone! Thank you so much for all the inspiring comments and compliments. I am in this for the long haul. I am determined not to stay fat. Ten years is enough.
As I think about why this time is different, I remember the numerous times I used to read other people's weight loss stories, or read about their victories on various websites or in magazines. I would be filled with hope at their successes... especially before and after pictures... but then I would wonder, "Why not me? What is wrong with me? Why can't it be me?" It made me really sad sometimes. It seemed like everyone else could do it but I always failed. I felt doomed to a life of fatness.
Oh I had the right intentions, alright. I would get up many mornings and fix myself a "diet" breakfast. I could even make it through lunch once in awhile. But by early afternoon I would give in and be scarfing brownies or pizza or whatever else I "wanted." Then, since I had "ruined it," I would go ahead with a sigh and dutifully eat crap foods the whole evening, because, of course, I would start again tomorrow.
This went on for ten years. Ten years!! How I wish I had broken out of that mindset sooner. That's what it is: a mindset. It is not impossible to lose weight. It is not impossible to conquer your cravings and desires and do what is right for your body. But it's very hard. Ya gotta work to get the results... and no one's perfect. I guess what's different this time is I live moment to moment, and I never give up. I think about every choice I make. I say no far more often than I say yes. And I won't let one bad snack, or meal, or afternoon turn into an entire string of bad days. I just REFUSE to give up this time.
When my mother passed away, I was present. She had ovarian cancer, and died a mere 11 days after her diagnosis. She was only 57. It was tragic, to say the least. I was with her in her home as she passed. She had "tried" to lose weight all of my life, and never succeeded. It just added insult to injury when she was suffering and no one could lift her to and from her bed or the bathroom, and when she was dying no one could help her up and down from her bed as she wished to get up. She was too heavy. When she died it took several men to lift her from her state of rest and take her to the mortuary. This is grim, yes. It pains me to type it. But it is something I think about. First, she may have been diagnosed much sooner with her cancer had she not been obese. Her abdomen was filled with cancerous growth, but she could not feel it. And obesity is a high risk factor for ovarian cancer. Second, to die fat is something I never want to experience. It is scary enough for me to think about death at all... but to add the humiliation of perhaps being sick and no one being able to assist me... of no one being able to lift me... is just more than I can bear to think about. I don't want to put myself or my kids through that. And so I keep plugging along, determined to get to a reasonable weight... for so many reasons.
Yesterday when I added up my calories, I was a bit disappointed. I had eaten well all day. I had been right on track up until dinnertime. My teenager made some oatmeal no-bake cookies. I decided to have *one* and figured I could fit it into my calories (yeah I know, I just blogged about sugar triggers, but these were NO BAKE chocolate peanut butter oatmeal cookies, people!! You gotta live...) So I did have one. Actually I had two, and then told my son to wrap 'em up and get 'em put away. He made them to take to school. Now they're gone. Anyway, then I added up my calories after my healthy dinner and I was over by about 250. Yikes! It made me sad because I would get a red X on my calendar. Wahhh! I had a pity moment. And my other child had gotten a special treat. He got to bring home a half gallon of ice cream (celebration of a concert he was in... family tradition is to go out for ice cream, but this seemed safer). I thought, I have been struggling wanting junk. Since I am already over my calories, I may as well have some ice cream NOW and get it out of my system. (Not something I would recommend). I had ONE cup of ice cream. I sat down and thoroughly enjoyed it. I added up my calories... just about 2000 for the day. Most of the rest of my week I was eating 1300 calories or so. So the damages are not that bad.
Now, what's different this time? This is the key! I did not flip out and binge because I ate junk. I did not tell myself I could have pizza today since I was already "off" plan. No. I got up, weighed, drank my water, and planned a healthy, 1500 calorie day. I am going to have a good, healthy, on-plan week and not let one evening of indulgence set me back. Not ONE iota.
It takes determination. It takes forgiving yourself. And it takes continual perseverance to reach your goals. You can do it! We will do it.
2 days ago