Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Goal #1 Met (245), and Plateaus

I am pleased and proud to announce that finally, FINALLY after almost 2 1/2 weeks, I have reached a major milestone. I lost a pound, and weigh 245. A magic number, for sure, if you have read my earlier posts. That picture I posted earlier of me after my wedding, snarfing cake in a most unladylike manner, was taken when I weighed 245 pounds. That was nine years ago THIS month. Ever since then, I have gone up and down, back and forth, bouncing my way up the hell scale into morbid obesity and back. I have never, in nine years, gotten under 245 pounds... with the exception of a month or two. According to my own records, my lowest weight in 9 years was 242 pounds back in 2003. I had lost 28 pounds doing the South Beach Diet. Sadly, within 4 months I had blimped back up to my start weight and beyond, to 278+. I am not even sure what I weighed at my high point (low point?) but it may have been well into the 280's. Here's a picture I snagged from an old email. A friend had taken a candid shot of me at my son's boy scout awards meeting. I had lost ten pounds on some fad diet and was feeling pretty snazzy and thin. Imagine my shock and dismay when I got this in my email the next day:

Good God... is it just me or do I look FATTER in this picture than I do in my "before" shots??? Don't answer that. Anyway, my point is that I have stayed really fat, 245+, over the entire past nine years of my life. Those nine years were punctuated by all the pains and indignities of severe obesity: being unable to fit in booths, being too big for friends' car seat belts, being too big to get on the fair rides with my children. Plantar fasciitis, indigestion and heartburn, heart palpitations. Hiding from society, hiding from life. That number... 245... has always represented "something" in my mind. I thought it was a goal. I thought it would be some kind of end point along the journey and I would feel elated and proud when I reached it. Instead, this morning when I stepped on the scale and saw that number, a mix of feelings came over me. A melancholy sadness, fleeting yet real, descended upon me. I was not jumping up and down hissing, "Yesssssss!!!!!!!" like I have in the past when I saw a drop after a long plateau. I just looked at the number, and realized that while I am very glad and even very proud to have reached this point, it is not an endpoint, but a new beginning. For nine years I have carried so much weight on my body and in my heart. Losses, physical and emotional, are tied together somehow in the cascade of emotions that break free with every pound that is shed. Was I storing locked emotions, past disappointments and intense heartbreak in those pounds somehow? I think I was. And letting go of those pounds had brought me back... back to a point nine years ago when I was newly married, full of hopes and dreams and faith, full of love and devotion, and I stepped on that scale and saw 245. I wept. I was appalled. It was the highest I had ever weighed in my life, by FAR. I was determined to lose weight. But for nine years, I just gained. This morning, as I stood staring at that number on the dial between my feet, I felt like I had finally let go of that weight. Not just the 33 pounds I have freed, but also the pains of divorce, death, humiliation, despair, poverty, loneliness, and hopelessness I had suffered over those nine years. My life is better now. I am in a happier place. I have done well for myself, truly. The last thing I needed to drop was those pounds. And I have done it. Oh, I am far from done. As I said, 245 feels like more of a starting point than a goal. I am free now to lose pounds that are OVER nine years old. Free to work on the 18 pounds that I gained in a few short months in 1998 because I was so stressed out. My next goal is 227. It seems like a dream to think I may reach that weight. I think working on these next pounds will also be emotionally revealing, as I go back and remember my life ten years ago as I was gaining those pounds. It's funny to me that I am going to be working on TEN YEAR OLD pounds!! I hope they are ready and willing to come off and go back to wherever they came from (probably McDonald's).

All of that said... now let me say a brief word on plateaus. I reaaaaaaaaaally struggled last month. I have worked hard, slipped up, and just kept getting back up and dusting myself off. Despite eating healthy foods 80% of the time, I did not lose much weight. It took me 17 days to lose this pound, and I am not so sure that it will not be back again in the morning. Doesn't matter. Life would've passed anyway. Your life passed too, didn't it, for those 17 days? We have a choice. Be fatter, be thinner, or stay the same. Seventeen days, a month, 6 months... what's it matter how long it takes for the pounds to come off? As long as they come off, we are going to reach our goals. Just do your best. Keep getting up. Count the days if you want, but be proud of it. I am proud that I could stick with the plan for 17 days even when the scale wouldn't budge. Be proud. Each day is a badge of honor. Time is your friend. Now go enjoy your life.


Hanlie said...

I am so proud of you! Well done!

And I get the emotions that go with that. Our issues do go and sit in our tissues and when we are losing weight, we have to be ready for the emotional housecleaning that goes with it. If we don't deal with it, we will never lose weight permanently.

I have read extensively over the last few months and now know that toxins are stored in our fat cells. Therefore, whenever we are losing fat, toxins will be released into the bloodstream for excretion. That way, you may suddenly "taste" medicine that you may have taken 10 years ago. Or you may just from time to time feel ill. When we lose weight in a healthy, natural way, we are automatically detoxifying our bodies.

You are a true inspiration!

honib1 said...

wow.. that was so beautiful and so true.. when the doctor said i am at the lowest weight i have been at since 2002 I was so proud.. and like you I realize that this is just another starting point.. there is no end.. ever.. in our new lifestyles it is about constistantly changing to meet our own needs.. losing weight .. getting healthy and most importantly staying healthy.. being true to ourselves... Rock on..that was a wondeful post..

Lori said...

So good! New reader here and I wanted to stop in and say hello.

Chubby Chick said...

Congrats on meeting your first goal! I know you'll reach ALL of them! And we're going to be here to cheer you on. :)

Princess Dieter said...

Such a profound post. I am really moved by it. And it's wonderful that you've reached here and now have a new goal in sight. CONGRATS!!!

227 is also one of my later milestones. For now, it's 254. That's how much I weighed the first time I went to WW, so it's stuck in my mind as my first public weigh-in.

I truly believe you're gonna lose all your excess in 2008. And I will celebrate each milestone with ya!

The Princess

Heather said...

Congrats, I am SO happy for you!! I completely understand how you feel too because I hit my "magic" number as well, 184, which was the lowest I got using other diets as well. I did celebrate mentally for a minute, but you are right, I accepted it and moved on because I still have a lot of work to do. But you are doing fantastic and your picture is fantastic. Plateaus are hard and Im glad you beat yours!

MB said...

Congrats on reaching that milestone! Your determination is inspiring. Looking forward to hearing how you attack that 10 year old fat. Be proud!

Anonymous said...

I'm truly happy for you!!
Go Lyn! You can do it! Go--- Lyn!


Anonymous said...

LOL @"I hope they are ready and willing to come off and go back to wherever they came from (probably McDonald's)"

You are right Lyn. Life passes away anyway. And we should make time our friend by eating healthy and being active. The pounds will come off when they come off.

Congratulations. Your words are very inspiring.