Sunday, November 18, 2007

Men

I have often heard laments from other fat chicks about the difficulty of finding a sincere date/boyfriend/husband. I know that many overweight women go for years, sometimes their whole lives without ever finding a partner to share their lives with. Of course, some women, heavy or not, live singly by choice. Many people live full and enriching lives as single folk. But for some, there is great pain in the belief that their weight is standing in the way of their happiness because no guy seems to want to date a "fat chick."

I have had my share of hurt and rejection as a result of my weight. When I was single, I often looked for dates online. I would go on dating websites, or just search the AOL profiles, for someone who I thought might be interesting to talk to. We might talk in emails or IMs for some time, and then came the inevitable request for a photo. What's a girl to do? Should I send a picture that made me look thinner and better than I did in person? Then I risked the guy being shocked when he saw how big I was in real life, and THAT would be terribly embarrassing for us both. Should I send a picture of me looking rather chubby, and hope he could get past the fatness and see the beauty of the real me? Or should I make excuses and not send a picture at all? I usually opted for #3... "Oh, all my pictures are on my other computer" or, "I will have to send you a picture later, I have to go now!" or even "I don't have anything scanned yet, but I will get that done soon!" Yeah, right. Then when he wants to meet (after all, that IS the point, right?) should I break it to him gently? ("Oh by the way, I weigh nearly 300 pounds, is that okay with you?") Do I slip it in there offhandedly, the way you might mention that you are making bok choy for dinner? ("When we meet I will be wearing a blue sweater, and I want you to know I am not a really skinny girl LOL") Too many times, I sent the picture and never heard from the guy again. Or I sent the picture, and got the reply, "You're not really my type, but thanks anyway." What?? You mean you do not like 280 pound women with thighs as big as your head?? Sometimes I would send an old picture of me when I was thinner. Then of course, I could never meet the guy. It would be mortifying. Sometimes I would meet without ever sending a picture, but that only had to happen once or twice before I realized it was far less embarrassing if I cannot see his reaction the first time he sees how big I am.

Now, it might sound like I have had no success in love. But that's not true. I was an obese single mom (between marriages) for about 7 years, and I really never had any trouble getting a boyfriend. Yes, I had those hurtful experiences along the way, but by far my experiences were positive... especially when I was NOT meeting men from the Internet. When I weighed 227, I was constantly told I was beautiful. Not many guys made any issue of my weight. I met guys from work, church, and even AOL who saw me and thought I was just lovely the way I was. When I got up around 245, I still had men coming on to me plenty. I was never the sort to go out to bars or parties, plus I had small kids. So I met people at college, work, church and singles groups. I never described myself as a BBW. I have heard there are guys who specifically go for heavier women (I am told they are called "Chubby Chasers") but I never met any guys like that. I have also been told that some men see a heavy chick and think she will be "easy" and go after her, but only for a one-night stand. I never had that issue either. As a matter of fact, almost every man I dated told me I was the FIRST heavy women they had ever dated. I think because I had a lot of self confidence, and loved my curvy body, I was able to project who I am INSIDE if I was given the chance. One guy told me, "You don't act like a fat chick." I wasn't sure whether to be offended or not, but I knew what he meant. Some women are reserved and EXPECT to be rejected because of their weight. Some are ashamed, or feel unworthy of love. I never felt that way. I know I am worthy of love, and I am a great catch. With an attitude like that, I never went long without a relationship. True, I went through a lot of guys before I found Mr. Right, but that's because I wouldn't settle. I had several 6-month to a year long relationships which ended when they guy proposed and I said no, and realized he was not the one for me. Weight was never an issue. And most of the guys were average weight, good looking, or even athletic. And then I found my husband online. I made no apologies for my size. I sent him a picture, told him I was a big girl, and said that if he didn't find me attractive he could move on. Four years and one child later, he still finds me attractive and loves my body just the way it is.

I feel bad for anyone who wants a relationship but can't seem to find one. But please know, it is NOT ALL BECAUSE OF YOUR WEIGHT. You may or may not find who you are looking for, but I am convinced that if you can build your self confidence you will project that happiness and that will draw people to you. You have to love yourself before you can love someone else. And you have to love yourself, before you can truly let someone else love you.

12 comments:

Lauren said...

Great post. I got to a point where I actually posted an ad saying, I'm fat, if you can deal with it, let's chat, if not, let's don't. i was really angry and it was completely unproductive. Now I'm focused on me, being single, and finding out how to love myself and I'm alot happier. Though I do sometimes get lonely.

lbs said...

I've always thought that men can only LOVE thin girls, but if what you said were true, then you've proven to me that I was really the one who've never given myself nor men a chance...
Thnx for the post. I am working on that self-confidence thing but it is extremely hard..I have few if any confidence in both myself and in men.
I hope your plateau goes away soon!

Teale said...

I absolutely agree with what you said at the end... you're not necessarily single simply b/c you're overweight. I think that being overweight can lead women to have self-esteem issues in which she can sometimes sabotage possible relationships. I've definately been on both ends of it... been the girl that lacked self esteem & figured no guy would want me b/c I was fat (and usually only went after overweight men on dating sites b/c I thought they'd be more open-minded), then I've also been the extremely confident woman who didn't act like the fat girl either. Eventually I found the man for me, and he doesn't care if I'm 350 pounds or 200 pounds, he just loves Teale:)

Rae said...

I really enjoyed your post you hit the nail on the head I have to say I have met a few people who liked me due to my weight which bothered me cause I knew when I started losing weight they wouldn't be interested anymore so why even get into that situation. I have also seen women who are big who are in a relationship ruin it with having low self esteem and they end up saying well he didnt love me casue I was big even though that wasn't the case hopefully after readnig your post women will know that even if they are big they can still be loved

Hanlie said...

I met my husband via the internet while weighing about 300 lb. We fell in love on our first date, and he said afterwards that it was my compassionante nature, kindness, confidence, sense of humour and maturity that kept him coming back. Nobody has ever loved me the way he does, and it's changed my life by giving me the security and room to grow and be gentle and loving towards myself. Which is the place from which I can now lose the weight. And he'll love me when I'm thin too (some men feel very threatened when their partners lose weight)! He encourages me, because he wants me to healthy for a long long time.

I'm so glad that I didn't have to lose the weight before finding someone to share my life with, because I wouldn't have. I would have told myself that I "don't deserve" a good man, like I thought I didn't deserve so many other things in life.

Great post!

Twix said...

I like this post! Thank you for putting this out here! :D

As of right now I wish I had man repellent!! Please don't shoot me ladies. I'm serious. I need man repellent. Apparently it isn't enough that I weigh 300lbs and I can be seen frequently out with 5 kids, they still keep hitting on me. Ugh...go away you flea!

Lol, maybe I live in an area where there's a high percentage of chubby chasers (or fluffers as I call them) and apparently it's a bonus if you have kids. Silly men!

I love THE ONE I have! Any suggestions, lol. I don't want any more phone numbers......

Chubby Chick said...

Men... "can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em." hehe

Honestly, when I think of the married couples that I know... the ones with the happiest, most loving relationships are the ones where the wife is chubby! It takes a good man to see the woman inside... no matter what size body she has.

Heather said...

that is a very intersting post because as someone who was thin, I met my boyfriend and then I gained all my weight. I sometimes wonder if he would have been interested in me if he had met me at this weight. But then I think, does it really matter? What matters to me is that he saw me at my thinnest, and my heaviest, and has still told me Im beautiful at both weights. He has loved and accepted me despite of it.

So I think you are right. Even if a guy does reject someone because of their weight, would you really want them anyways? I sure wouldnt. I think what really gets in the way is self esteem. I think often women who are heavier and dont have as much confidence feel less attractive and that comes through.

Ms Ingram said...

Such a great post!

However, I have to say that at lower weight you have more choices. I know the difference, I can see how men look at me now at 227 lbs and how they did at 318.
That still holds that the majority of men like thinner girls. Don't be mad at me, but that's the truth.
No matter how much we, bigger girls, want to believe the opposite.

Lyn said...

Ms Ingram,

Oh there is no doubt that *more* men prefer thin girls. No doubt! But I see one benefit to my weight: it does certainly weed out the shallow ones. Even if most men do like thin women, I have never been interested in *most* men. I wanted that one special guy... and MY one special guy would be one who looked beyond the cover, just as I always have when dating. So try and look on the bright side: the men who shun you for your weight, are that many less duds you have to sort though :)

Ms Ingram said...

Lyn!

Very nice words, thank you!
My husband did not find me attractive at 318 and he does not find me attractive now either.
Maybe I should weed him out too? I am still looking for MY special guy. Hopefully, at my goal weight I will eventually find him.

Raven said...

I dont think it is true that most men prefer thin women. I believe most men are just afraid of their friends reactions to them dating a bigger woman.