Saturday, August 4, 2007

Why I am Fat

Well, here I am at 5'7 and 278 pounds, a walking, living, breathing mound of fat layered on top of a thin person. Well, not walking so much these days, as my knees are shot from the excess poundage for 10 years. Yes, I have ruined my knees, my health, my chance to move freely and enjoy this one life I have been given. Why? For a brownie. Yes, for one brownie I traded my soul and my happiness. If you are thin you might think that is ridiculous. If you are fat you know the sense of sheer desperation and loss of all sensibility when you smell a warm, freshly baked, rich, chewy, fudgy brownie. Ahhhhhh, yes, a hot brownie with a glass of skim milk. Did that one brownie make me fat? Well, technically no. But it is that one moment, that split second when one decides that a brownie is worth whatever consequences it brings... it is the hundreds of times in ten years when one brownie does not seem all that harmful... it is the accumulation of 500 brownies, 300 Big Macs, 700 Cokes, 800 chocolate chip cookies, 150 slices of cheesecake... over a ten year span, that got me to where I am. Each instance is small. Just one brownie. Just for today. Add them up and you get to be 130 pounds overweight. In each and every instance, I chose a bite of this or a taste of that for my health and happiness.
I never understood the saying, "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels." Of course it does!!! How could being thin compare to the deep dark chocolate taste in a slice of Triple Chocolate Cheesecake?? Or a plate of bacon/cheese smothered french fries drenched in salt and dunked in ranch dressing???? Being thin could not POSSIBLY compare to the ecstacy of eating those foods. But suddenly, recently, I had a revelation. It is not that 5 minutes of standing around hungry being thin feels better than shoving fantastic, greasy, near-orgasmic foods into my ever-waiting mouth. It is that 5 minutes of ecstacy in eating WHATEVER delights I can imagine, is no comparison to an hour, a day, a year, a lifetime of being healthy and alive, being able to run and play with my kids, being able to ride a horse or roller blade or fit in a normal size lawn chair without collapsing it. No brownie, no PLATE of brownies, no chest full of chocolate cheesecakes can compare with the opportunity to walk down the beach with my family and to live long enough to see and know my grandchildren. No cookie or Big Mac is worth being stuck in the house, immobile with bad knees, and knowing that my kids are embarrassed of me when I come around their friends. It is not worth it. Feeling miserable and being immobile is too high a price to pay for that brownie. I am not going to live this way anymore.

13 comments:

joitsie said...

Again, my same thoughts. The temptations may not be identical, by just as tenacious. After much deliberation of the above, what I finally came up with is this, "You just have to want it bad enough." You have to want your health more than you want anything else, and I do mean anything. I decided that my health is just as important as anything else, and most of the time, even MORE important. After much research, I decided that it was my choice, I am the one who chooses to either stay this way or do something about it. When I told myself this, it didn't sound as difficult because I realized it was all under my control. I decided, I chose. When I realized this, it sort of gave me a sense of power. I started to look at unhealthy foods with disgust. I would look at it and say, "How disgusting, you are what is trying to take my power from me, and I won't allow it."
You are well on your way, if not already there, on your quest to take back your power. Once that is accomplished, you are on your way, an exciting journey to success!

Karen In TN said...

WOW!!! That really spoke to me. Such powerful words so clearly from your heart. I will be a faithful reader! And I want to join you on your journey if I am invited!

Twix said...

I'm bawling right now! I so understand what you are saying! Thanks!

Nickname unavailable said...

I just found your blog and I had to come back to the beginning to see where it all began. Congratulations on 60 pounds gone! A tremendous achievement. I'll bet it feels a whole lot better than a brownie.

Anonymous said...

I have just discovered your lovely blog. It has made me want to read from beginning to end, so with that being said, expect to see me pop up now and then on an old post. So far I have read the first and the last, now for the rest of the journey! ♥ Eva

Camille said...

I'm starting at the beginning. I love your first post. These words are the echo of so many other people- I'm excited to see how things are going for you.
I happened across your blog from someone else's blog.

Anonymous said...

What a poignant first post. I am completely captivated by your unabashed and bare honesty. What courage you have, and in such a down to earth way that you speak to so many people. Thank you so much for sharing this we the world. Love and best wishes,

xo

Jen K said...

I came across your blog through my friend Shana's blog "100 pounds and Counting". You are a very inspirational person, and an extremly eloquent and astute writer. I just read every update you've published since then and I am nothing short of impressed. Althoguh I don't struggle with weight, I struggle with other things in my life- and your advice on eating healthy is valuable for everyone, including healthy fit people like me who don't always make the best food deciisons. Keep on writing, and keep up your great work! Congratulations on losing 80+ pounds!

Jen K said...

I recently came across your blog by reading my friend shana's blog, "100 pounds and counting". You are an incredibly eloquent and astute observer of the world. Although I don't struggle with weight, I find your blog to be equally inspirational and useful for me for other aspects of my life. Keep on writing, and congratulations on all that you have accomplished and all that you will accomplish in the future!

FYT614 said...

I just found your blog and the pain, anguish and lack of control that is in the first post coupled with your determination to change it all really speaks to me. I don't know if you have looked back to see that your story is so compelling that people ARE traveling back in time through your posts to see how it all began.

I must say that the tears welled in my eyes and my own pain,anguish and lack of control bubbled to the surface. I have recently lost 100 pounds...well 106 counting this week and I have 69 more to go. I've felt empowered and on a mission but I read your post and my fears of my not so distant past ran up on me. I'm babbling now but thank you for your honest take on weight loss.

100 Pounds 100 Days Challenge said...

WOW! That was some kind of writing! You put everything into perspective. Choices. That's what it comes down to.

http://100pounds100dayschallenge.blogspot.com/

Anonymous said...

I'm glad I just stumbled upon this blog. This post alone inspired me to stop my "I'll start tomorrow" mentality. Thank you. I'm going to go walk my dogs now.

Mummys On A Diet said...

Song dong you speak my language.i just thought I'd read your first post to see how you felt all those pounds ago, the same as I feel now! Well done you, and I hope in a few years I can read back at my first entry and feel great that I don't feel like that any more.