Thursday, August 9, 2007

Emotional Eating

I had a great day. I ate right, I drank water. I was feeling pretty good. Then I got a phone call that was emotionally upsetting. It was irritating, made me defensive and angry and sad all at once. It was about a 15 minute phone call. When I hung up I had this absolutely overwhelming urge to binge. I mean, it was very real, like a giant hug but not in a good way. Like a strangle hold?? Like I could just jump up and eat a dozen cupcakes in an instant. But since I had no junk here, it was not that simple, plus I did not want to ruin my efforts. So I sat and thought about it instead.

The feeling was the exact same feeling I have often had when I would binge. It was this draw... the desire for the feeling of "shutting down" my brain and just shoveling food in mindlessly, thoughtlessly, over and over. It is a sort of self destructive feeling. A feeling of "stuffing in the pain" literally. Does anyone relate to this?

Anyway, after about 15 minutes, the feeling slowly passed. I didnt DO anything but sit there and feel it. I didnt eat a thing. So if I can learn to do that.. ride out the pain.. I think I can ge tthrough the hurdles of weight loss. But the thing is, I realized that in a very literal sense I have used food to escape. Tp escape from feelings (because when I am shoving masses of junk down my throat all I feel is overwhelming sensations of sweetness, creaminess, the sensations of it flooding down into my stomach, the feeling of getting stuffed, the smells of the food, and the self disgust). So am I trying to overload myself with those sensations so I do not have to feel whatever pain or emotion I am feeling pre-binge? I think that is the key.

So I have to learn to deal with my pain. I have to let myself feel it. I hate it. I hate just sitting and feeling emotional PAIN. But I have to feel it. I cannot keep running away.

4 comments:

Chubby Chick said...

Hi! I just discovered your blog. I read all of your posts, and I can pretty much relate to everything you wrote. Congratulations on getting back on track. You can do this! WE can do this! Keep up the good work. I'll be back to check on you. :)

Anonymous said...

I know this post is old but I really relate to it. The way you explain the feelings while binging is exactly how I feel but cannot put into words myself. This is a great post, keep up the great work. :-)

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for your blog. It has saved me.

Anonymous said...

ihave felt this way my entire life. my husband passed away last year and i have packed on 20 pounds by stuffing my feelings. i think i'm afraid that i'll lose all control if i let myself fell sad or scared or whatever. so i eat. and watch tv. that can be pretty numbing too. thanks for your blog. it's been helpful.