What Is Wrong With People?

This is hard for me to write, because I honestly don't feel like writing anything. But I am going to anyway.

Last time I blogged I was starting up my new plan with lots of produce added. I will say that is going very well, I feel more 'normal' and happy eating this way and it is easier than the 5 & 1 plan. I will write more about that later.

For a few days after my last post, I was just busy. Busy with kids, dogs, just life. Then I got a call that my mammogram results were abnormal. It wasn't just small calcifications like the last time I needed follow up, but a new "suspicious" mass. I admit that when I heard this and then went in and got a copy of the radiology report, I was highly upset. You know where my mind went. I did get very emotional about it for a couple of days and did not want to talk about it... not here, not to anyone. In fact I still have not spoken to anyone about it. I have an ultrasound and "probably" a needle biopsy scheduled in less than a week. I coped with this news by reading and researching everything I could about foods and supplements that help ward off cancer and continuing to focus on eating all that produce for good health, biking 15 minutes a day, and drinking more green tea. In the meantime, another family member had some health testing that I am quite concerned about, which will either come back as nothing or could be something very bad. I feel like I have been waiting for the other shoe to drop on that, as well.

When I finally felt like I wanted to come back and blog and maybe share something about this, I came back to write but first went to publish the comments that had been left while I was gone. At that point, I had one or two comments with people wondering where I am and if I am okay. But you know what else I had? I had a slew of comments from people saying they hoped I had died, they hoped I'd killed myself, and cheering that maybe I had eaten myself to death. And what really topped it off were the comments left for my children, saying basically congratulations on your mother's death.

What is wrong with people? Really. Is this what society has become? These people saying these things are not kids... teenagers who don't understand the consequences of their words. These people are adults. I am well aware of who they are, because not all comments are anonymous These bullies and their followers have left me hateful words over the past two years and I have deleted and ignored it without much thought. But this? Really? Saying they hoped I was dead, and leaving hateful comments for my *children* to read if something had happened to me? Seriously. I cannot fathom what would ever, EVER possess another human being to treat another person this way. And what have I ever done to anyone? What am I doing that is so awful that I deserve to be greeted by cheers and hopes of my death when I am facing those fears in my real life? When I have shed tears wondering what those tests will show? When I have been trying to stay positive? Yet coming back here and knowing that if I do have cancer, and if I die, some people will have a celebration and try to cause my children pain. Shame on you, just shame. How can you live with yourselves? I could never, would never treat any human being this way and you need to take a good hard look at yourself and figure out, between you and your god if you have one or your conscience if you have one, why you would rejoice in another's pain.

That is all I am going to say about that.

So I went away again without blogging, but when I came back there were many, many kind words, thoughts, and prayers left in the comments for me along with several emails of the same, and I guess I realized then that *most* of the world is good... most people are kind. Most people care and I do not want to cut myself off from the people who care, and who I care about, especially now.

As the days have gone by, I feel better and more positive and more sure they will do their tests and bring back good news and nothing will be terribly wrong, and I will take it as a warning to do everything in my power, every day, to eat and live for good health and not wait for a crisis to take care of *me*.

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. ~Dalai Lama

Kindness is in our power, even when fondness is not.  ~Samuel Johnson

There is always a way to be honest without being brutal. ~Arthur Dobrin

Teach this triple truth to all: A generous heart, kind speech, and a life of service and compassion are the things which renew humanity. ~ Buddha

As long as we observe love for others and respect for their rights and dignity in our daily lives, then whether we are learned or unlearned, whether we believe in the Buddha or God, follow some religion or none at all, as long as we have compassion for others and conduct ourselves with restraint out of a sense of responsibility, there is no doubt we will be happy. ~ Dalai Lama

I would rather make mistakes in kindness and compassion than work miracles in unkindness and hardness. ~Mother Teresa

New Plan, More Produce

A few days ago, I sent an email to two of the dietitians at Medifast asking for help with my plan. I have been following the Medifast 5&1 Plan for a couple of months, but have not been losing much weight... 2 or 3 pounds a month. Now, that's okay, it is better than no losses, but honestly it is a pretty strict plan and I had a relapse last week that's been hard to recover from. My carbs are too high, I crave more produce which my doctor recommended to me, and I start to resent not being able to eat more veggies and some fruit over the months I've been on this plan. Considering those factors as well as my obviously slowwwwwww metabolism and lack of physical activity, the dietitians got together and came up with two options for me. One of the options includes dairy and grains. I seem to have trouble controlling my intake when I introduce grains, and some of them seem to affect how I feel physically, too. I've said for awhile that I don't really want to reintroduce grains to my eating, ever. I have mixed feelings about dairy, too... it seems milk can cause inflammation, which is one thing I don't need. That plan is also quite high in carbs, and I'd like to keep mine on the lower side permanently. So I decided that I am going with the other option they presented.

It's called the "4 & 2 & 1 Plan." With this plan, I'll get more variety, twice as many vegetable servings, AND a serving of fruit per day. My calories will stay low, but not as low as they have been; instead of 800-1000 calories (5&1 Plan) I will aim for 1100-1300 calories a day. That's below what seems to be my "maintenance" calorie level, but is also high enough to possibly help give my metabolism a boost. One of the dietitians calculated my calorie needs based on my age, height, etc and said she recommends 1200 calories a day.

So... here is what I will eat daily:

4 Medifast meals (prepackaged)
2 Lean & Green meals, each made up of 5-7 ounces of lean protein and 3 low carb veggie servings
0-2 Healthy fat servings (only added to one Lean & Green meal per day)
1 Healthy Snack, which they define as a serving of fruit, low fat dairy, or grains. I am going to be eating the FRUIT exclusively for my Healthy Snack serving.

This way, I can do what I have wanted to do for so long: eat fresh, local produce in abundance but also still have a structured plan to keep me from going over on other foods. I will eat twice as much lean protein and twice as much veggies, split up over 2 or 3 mealtimes a day.

I am going to go to the Farmer's market every week for my fruits and veggies and try to eat mostly what is in season. I will supplement with organic fresh produce from my favorite grocery store, which has a very nice produce section.

Six servings of veggies a day will be great! One cup of raw greens such as spinach, any kinds of lettuce, or spring mix is a serving; a half cup of any other low carb veggie, cooked or raw, is a serving. High carb veggies are still limited (which is how I prefer it anyway, to keep my carbs lower) so no potatoes, winter squash, corn, or peas. And for my fruit serving, I can have one piece of fruit (such as an apple, orange, small banana, pear, peach, etc) or a half cup of cubed melon or berries. Strawberries are about to come in season and I cannot wait!

I am going to keep logging my calories so I can get a handle on how to stay within the 1100-1300 range and also see if I can keep my carbs close to 100. I think by choosing lower carb veggies and fruits at least part of the time, I should be close.

That's all for now. I am starting this plan tomorrow.


Disclosure: I receive free product in order to evaluate and comment on my experiences on the Medifast Program. Medifast products and the Medifast Program are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease or illness. Any medical improvements noted while on the program are related to weight loss in general, and not to Medifast products or programs.

Carb Frustration

My eating is still off. I am not eating any junk (candy, bakery stuff, no more pizza or chips) but it seems whenever I let my carbs go really high like I did  a few days ago, it is hard for me to get them back down. I crave carbs.

In fact, yesterday I was having some nostalgia as I ponder the comments recently left for me, and I started longing for a simple bowl of steel cut oatmeal with walnuts and berries in it. I was rationalizing to myself about how healthy this would be and made myself 1 serving (1/4 c dry) oatmeal with 2 Tbsp nuts, 1/3 cup of blueberries, some Stevia drops and 1/4 cup of 2% milk. I thought, maybe this will help me feel better. Maybe I don't really have to eat low carb. This is gluten free and sugar free and surely my body will be thankful for the nutrition. Well, my body was not thankful. I felt awful. I got the old familiar headache, slight nausea, and just felt completely awful for a couple of hours. And then I just craved more carbs all day. I think eating that many carbs (40g) at a sitting makes my blood sugar all kinds of unstable. And unstable blood sugar, in me at least, causes headaches and a sort of shaky feeling.

I managed to eat on plan about 80% of the time this week. I've eaten tuna mixed with light mayo in Romaine lettuce leaves, Indian spiced chicken breast with broccoli, and just plain salad. I feel better spacing my food in the Medifast fashion, with a shake or other low carb/high protein mini meal every 2-3 hours.

I think back to when I was a kid and sometimes I get a little angry at the way I was taught and allowed to eat. Who gives a toddler chocolate ice cream for breakfast?? I mean really?? I can almost... ALMOST understand the "standard American breakfast" I was usually given of Cocoa Krispies, Fruity Pebbles, Frosted Flakes and Cocoa Puffs... but ice cream? Why was my lunch so often a hot dog on a white bun with a side of Cheetos? Why was a second grader given potato chips in almost every packed lunch for school, along with a sandwich on Wonder bread? Why was I given Coke, and taken to McDonalds so often I almost thought I lived there? How do you justify having a pantry full of Oreos and giving your kid Kraft macaroni and cheese every weekend, letting them slather margarine on everything, melting Velveeta on their broccoli, giving them a bowl of processed cheese spread for an after school snack, and frying their eggs in bacon grease? I dunno, it just frustrates me because all of those things set my tastes for life. But none of it matters now, really. I am just PMS venting.

I emailed the Medifast dietitians about possibly adding more produce to to my menu (with a 4 & 2 perhaps, which is a different Medifast plan) and am just trying to stay off the carbs and wait til I hear back from them.

Appointments Galore

This past month I have been utterly swamped with appointments! It's not going to end anytime soon, either.

Dentist: my kids and I all go twice a year. Two of the kids had their checkups this month; one son, who has very thin enamel, has to go back for a filling soon and needs to see an orthodontist for possible braces. I went in myself today for a checkup and cleaning and was told my gums look inflamed. I am not sure what might be causing that, but they recommended upping my flossing to twice a day. Maybe I am not getting enough vitamin C. I also have an old (old!! from when I was 13) filling that has some little cracks going into a molar, so I need to go back and have a crown put on that soon. Ugh, I hate dental work!!

Doctor: two of my kids had their yearly "well checks" and one has to go back in for another health issue. I went in for my blood pressure issues and to talk about my feet and my diet earlier this month and was told to cut the salt back to 1500mg/day and to keep the fat to under 30%. He wanted to see me back in 6 weeks so that is on the schedule too.

Acupuncturist: I was seeing an acupuncturist weekly thought most of April, getting needles in my feet and legs. It seemed to help somewhat, but after 5 visits we called it off because I stopped seeing improvement.

Eye doctors: I took my son for two appointments this month: one for his yearly complete eye exam and the other for a contact lens fitting. He has to go back for a recheck on the contacts next week. I also went in for a full eye exam; I hadn't been in for about 4-5 years and I noticed recently that my near vision is very blurry with my contacts or glasses. Well, they fitted me with bifocal contact lenses and I love them! They feel and "see" just like my regular contacts but I can also now read teeny print close up! I absolutely love them. I worried there would be a "line" or it would just look weird when driving because there are two prescriptions in the lens, but they are just perfect and I am very pleased. I have to go back for a recheck and then again to pick up the contacts I order.

Cardiologist: my doctor was considering sending me back to the cardiologist regarding my blood pressure, so I had to go over there and get my old cardiology records from 2003. It looks like my blood pressure is going down though, so I may be able to avoid this one!

Specialist: I went to see the specialist who advises me about my MTHFR gene mutation and also to talk about my son's health. He advised me to double my dose of l-methylfolate, continue the B-12, and add another supplement called N-Acetyl Cysteine (NAC). He feels this combo may aid the healing of my feet as well as helping lower my blood pressure. He also told me to eat A LOT of fresh produce.

Gyn: Yep, went for the yearly. I am waiting for the results. I always get a little nervous that they will find pre-cancerous cells again. I never, ever want to go through another LEEP procedure. So I am crossing fingers for an all-clear. I also was given an order to go have a mammogram because I haven't had one in way too long, and they are supposed to be measuring and watching a few "suspicious spots." I have my mammogram scheduled for this Thursday.

Specialists (for my son): I am taking him to an appointment once, sometimes twice a week. This has been going on for a few months. Chronic health issues.

Vet: LOL, yep, even the dogs have appointments! Both dogs have gone to the vet (separately) for vaccines this month, and then earlier this week my sport dog went for her OFA hips/elbow x-rays. All looks good, no dysplasia, so if they come back "officially" good, she can do jumps, obedience, agility etc to her heart's content!

Mix in all the other random stuff like my daughter's 3 dance classes a week, a trip to get my son his fishing license, everyone getting haircuts, dog obedience classes once a week, a couple of trips out of town, several birthday parties and social gatherings, playdates, and school stuff and you can see why I haven't had a lot of down time lately! Today I am trying to get caught up on the laundry, cleaning, bill paying, dog grooming and weeding. I admit my fridge is looking rather sparse too; I need to get to the grocery store.

The Farmer's market has finally re-opened and I am going to make a habit of going every week, finding whatever veggies are in season, and bringing them home to eat. I am going to make a point of eating foods that are locally in season this year plus enjoying local free range meats and eggs. I am considering switching to a Medifast 4&2 Plan where I would eat 2 "real food" meals of 5-7 oz of protein and 3 servings of veggies per day plus 4 Medifast meals. That would put me at about 1200-1300 calories a day, I think. I am going to ask my Medifast dietitian for advice. Perhaps that would be a better plan for me, giving me a bit more *healthy* calories yet staying, hopefully, low enough that I continue to lose weight. It's worth a try, anyway.

Relapse

I felt it coming over the last couple of days... the dissatisfaction with my slow losses, the irritation at my body for not reflecting my efforts. After many weeks of Medifast, sticking to my plan, counting calories and carbs for 5 or 6 weeks straight without screwing up, I felt my taste buds and cravings perk back up when I ate that first off plan meal last week... a salad with grilled chicken but with the high fat, high salt toppings of crisp bacon and salty cheese. Those intense flavors awakened something in me and I wanted more. I sensed the grumblings within when I went to a couple of events and parties last week, easily turning down the junky foods and cakes and sodas, but somewhere deep inside there was some resentment brewing. I felt it, I knew it, I got on the scale and saw 208 again and yesterday my inner child had a tantrum of massive proportions, and for 24 hours I ate off plan.

It did not feel like just 24 hours off plan, though. It felt, emotionally, like a relapse. It felt like I went from food sober to drunk. After eating those foods I found myself lying on the couch feeling like a drunk in a gutter, not myself, no energy, numb. I do not like this sensation, this state of being, at all. It is not what I want for myself.

It has been a very long time since I ate like this, felt like this. I ate with no regard for my health just because I wanted to. I wanted to *not care* for a minute. I wanted way, way more food than I actually ate. But what I did eat made me miserable.

Last night's dinner was 2 pieces of sausage pizza and a scoop of ice cream.
Today I had a slice of leftover pizza for breakfast. Lunch was a cheeseburger with potato chips and sliced cheese. I had a thin slice of chocolate cake that I just could not find the flavor in; everyone else was raving about how great it was. It looked amazing. But I took and bite and it was just... gross. How can chocolate cake be gross? It tasted too sweet, and pasty. Yet I took more bites trying to find the elusive deliciousness in this cake. It never came, and I threw the rest of it away. For the rest of the evening I just felt ill; I ate a few nut clusters and some sliced cheese and then I stopped and thought, "there is nothing in this for me. I want my low carb back."

How did I feel? How DO I feel?

Major pain in my joints, especially my knees. I have not had much knee pain over the last few months, but now it is horrible. I am almost limping.
I feel like I am walking through molasses... slogging along, exhausted simply by walking up a flight of stairs.
I am impatient and want to be alone.
I find I am unable to enjoy *anything else* when I am immersed in food. For example, it was a lovely, sunny evening outside but I could not feel it. I was numb to the pleasures of living, and had no desire to do anything but lay on the couch almost falling asleep.
Overnight, my face broke out.
I did not sleep well.
My body feels 40 pounds heavier than it did yesterday.

I am not weighing tomorrow (Sunday). I know I must be up a few pounds. I am going to get myself back on track and weigh once I have a few good days under my belt again.

I know that some people who have not struggled with this kind of thing will wonder why on earth would I eat those things when I already know from past experience how it would feel. Well, I dunno. Recovery is a tricky thing. I guess the important thing, for me, is that the lapses have gotten so much smaller and less frequent and perhaps they will eventually be completely gone. I waver between thinking, "Most people do eat less nutritious foods once in awhile. If I am doing healthy eating 90% of the time (90/10 rule) I am doing okay" and "I have got to eliminate this kind of behavior completely. I have got to stay on plan 100% to succeed." Well, I will keep working toward 100%, but forgive myself when I am not perfect.

I do know that rather than falling apart for days or weeks as I have in the past, I am ready to jump right back in, right now. This time, 24 hours is more than enough. I want my lightness, my joy, my energy and clear thinking back. I prefer health. I will keep striving for it, even with my faults.