My heart is not in blogging right now, but with those asking if I am okay and for an update, I decided to write something today. Am I okay? No, not really. Actually not at all okay, but what can I say about it? I decided years ago not to write about my family members' stuff, out of respect for their privacy. I wish I could. I would love to ramble on and give a lot of details about what we have been going through and share my emotions about all of it. It would probably be therapeutic. But I can't, because I don't want anyone coming back later and being upset that I wrote personal details about them. So without the benefit of being able to vent, there is no reason for me to write here at all. So I haven't.
But I do appreciate the concern and the support I have always gotten here so I wanted to say something. But what? Well myself, I am just finishing up a couple weeks of antibiotics from being sick. I feel like crap and am not getting enough sleep. My husband is having health issues that are affecting all of us. But the thing I am drowning in is that my daughter was given a pretty devastating diagnosis. Her deterioration has been life altering. We have spent a lot of time seeing doctors, therapists and specialists and travelling to the hospital hours away. I have been working on getting second opinions. We went to the hospital a few weeks ago, we are going again in a week, and again in one month or sooner. She is in daily pain and can no longer dance or go to school. As much as I would like to say more, I won't, and I ask you to respect that. I am just sharing this bit so you can see how it is affecting our lives. I love her so much and if only I could take away her pain, I would.
I am very emotional inside because I stay strong on the outside because I have to. It seems SO stupid to me to say *anything* about food or dieting at a time like this, but that's what the blog is about so, the update is that I have started stress eating and feel like I am kind of losing it. I eat food as a way to cope, or quell anxiety, worry, stress. I know I have started doing it. I cram food into my mouth because if I don't I will fall apart. I feel the tears and fear and scared emotions welling up and about to spill out (which I just cannot do... I have to take care of everything and can't be breaking down) so I hurry and shove some food in there to smash those emotions back down.
I need a better way to cope but right now this has to do. After next week we will know more about the course of action and what the next few months holds. Depending on that, maybe I can find a different way to deal. I am too high stress right now to make any effort in the food or diet direction.
Hug your kids. Just go hug them or whoever you love.
I really appreciate all the comments, thoughts, and advice I got in the comments of my last post and via email. It's so good to know that even when I am feeling down and not sure which way to turn diet-wise, people are caring and supportive and not judgmental. That means a lot to me. For those who were worried I was falling into a depression, don't worry! It was just a normal fluctuation in mood. We all have happy days and harder, sad times... and overall, I am feeling good and happy (although not content about my weight right now, but that is what motivates change).
Well, I'm still too fat. But I had a kind of cool experience this week at church. We had a special service for Ash Wednesday this week. That's not something I am very familiar with. I wasn't raised observing Lent, but when someone would remind me that it was "Fat Tuesday" you can bet I was all about that! Even this year, we joked about it and ordered pizzas for dinner and one of my sons brought home a box of Cadbury Creme Eggs for "dessert." I never noted any spiritual significance to any of this, personally, but I got to thinking more about it during our service. The sermon talked about how giving something up for Lent is not about torturing yourself by giving up something you really like. It is a reminder that every time you think about wanting that thing you gave up, it reminds you of your need for God. There was more to it than that but I thought that part was pretty insightful. So although I did indulge in the Fat Tuesday pizza and candy, I decided to give up sugary desserts for Lent (until Easter). If I want something sweet I will stick with fresh fruits or sugar free sweets. I am also adding daily Bible reading to my goals, even if only for a few minutes a day. It can only make things better!
Aside from those small changes, I am doing a few other things to try to remedy my problem of being too fat. I'm making sure to keep walking a couple of miles most days and I decided not to buy chips anymore. I can still have them if they are available at parties, dinners, or potlucks but just won't have them at home.
I know those are two very small changes in how I eat. I was eating chips and/or desserts a couple times a week, so I think cutting those things out will help. I feel like I am teetering on the edge of weight loss or gain: a small uptick in food would result in gaining weight, and a small restriction will result in loss. Everything else is staying the same for now, except for the continued walking. I lost 7 pounds in January and maintained in February, so I'd expect to start losing again in March with these couple of changes. I don't want to do anything drastic or overly restrictive to "rock the boat" emotionally so to speak. I am still cautious about keeping my recovery from ED first and foremost... keeping the emotional calm about food that took me so long to cultivate.
I guess it's time for an update. And maybe a little self examination, because while I feel like I have done pretty well getting my food issues under control, all is not well in LynLand.
I lost 7 pounds in January and nothing so far in February. Today I weigh 253, same as I did on February 1. Part of me is starting to panic a little about this; I looked at the calendar this morning and thought, "okay, I have THREE days left until March 1. Surely I can knuckle down and cut carbs more and do some more exercise and get at least a couple of pounds off by then." Somehow, part of me still feels ashamed that I am still so fat. That I did not lose any weight this month. Even though I have found peace about food, my weight still bothers me. I have spent the last year (or so) lowering my stress level around all the weight stuff: food, tracking, calories, junk food, body image, the number on the scale. But what remains is the realty that I AM TOO FAT.
I am too fat for most of my clothing.
I am too fat for my circulatory system. My blood pressure is higher than it was 25 pounds ago.
I am too fat for my knees. They hurt when I walk.
I am too fat for pictures. Once again I find myself avoiding being in photos because I think I look awful, and unhealthy.
I am too fat for my comfort. It is hard to get up and down, I have acid reflux again at night, and my body is just too hard to haul around all the time.
I am too fat, and that makes me sad.
So much of the time I look around and feel thankful for all I have, my kids, my life. I don't want to be a negative Nelly or a complainer. But I also don't look at my body and think it is fine just the way it is. Maybe it is, on a "don't judge", self acceptance, love yourself kind of level. I mean there's no point in loathing myself or being down on how I look. My body has done a lot of great things for me. I love it. But it's too big to be truly healthy! And I haven't been acting like I love it... not really. Not all these years.
When I eat healthy foods it does feel like self care. I don't think I eat that much. But obviously it's too much, right? Or I wouldn't be this fat. Even if you want to put some blame on age, or hormones, or thyroid disease, or slow metabolism... I would NOT weigh 250+ pounds if I was really taking *good enough* care of my body.
Maybe I have been focused too much on my emotional well being (which yeah, it is important) and not on my body. I've said I was eating 90% healthy and maybe 10% carbier, sugary or junky stuff. But when I stopped and thought about that, there's an error in my thinking. It's not that 90% of the FOOD I eat is healthy and 10% is not. It's that 90% of the TIME I eat healthy. Like... there are about 90 meals in a month, right? So for about 9 or 10 of those meals I eat carby stuff. Maybe some pancakes with syrup, sausages and orange juice. Or a bacon cheeseburger with fries dipped in Ranch. Not overboard for a normal person... but HIGH in carbs, fat, and sugar. Same for snacks. Say there are 60 snacks in a month. Then 6 or 7 of those would be carbier. Like maybe popcorn at the movies, or a few cookies and regular hot cocoa, or a bowl of chips and dip. The calories, carbs, sugar and fat in those meals and snacks is SO MUCH higher than the nutrition in a regular meal or snack! So much higher. Like a 50 calorie handful of baby carrots versus a 200 calorie bowl of corn chips and guac. But eating those foods in "normal" portions is what helps me NEVER to feel restricted... because although 9 out of 10 times on "spaghetti night" I go with spaghetti squash, every once in awhile, if I really want it, I have the actual pasta... AND a piece or two of garlic bread. And it is so much easier to eat and be satisfied with small amounts of something like the spaghetti squash, but when I have pasta I want to eat a lot more. More calories, carbs, and fat.
The whole thing sucks because I felt like I have finally found peace with food by eating this way, and I DO NOT want to wreck it. But I am too fat! I am too fat. :(
Something I really enjoy is a good dinner of enchiladas. But I've been avoiding them while eating lower carb, because the corn tortillas are pretty high in carbs (about 11 grams each). Then the other day I was deciding what to do with my fresh, whole butternut squash and as I started to cut it up I thought... hey, the neck of this squash would look a lot like corn tortillas if I sliced it into thin rounds! And so I did! I peeled the neck, cut 1/4" slices, and tossed them with a tablespoon or so of avocado oil, salt, and pepper. I laid them on a cookie sheet lined with nonstick foil, ready to roast!
After 12 minutes at 450 degrees, I flipped the slices over. Then I continued to roast them for 12-13 more minutes, until they had just started to brown.
2 cups of shredded cooked chicken
2 cups of shredded colby jack cheese (reduced fat, if you prefer)
2 - 2 1/2 cups of enchilada sauce (check the carbs, or make your own using the recipe in the link above)
about 16 roasted butternut squash "tortillas"
Layer in a casserole dish as follows:
layer of "tortillas"
1/3 of the chicken
handful of cheese
repeat twice, end with "tortillas," sauce, and cheese. I also added some diced green chiles.
Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes. Let rest about 10 minutes before serving. Enjoy!
1 ounce of corn tortilla has 62 calories and 13 g carbs.
1 ounce of butternut squash has 13 calories and 3 g carbs, saving you 49 calories and 10 g carbs per ounce. Plus with the squash, you get all the nutrition of this delicious veggie, including 60% of your RDA of Vitamin A! Plus it just tastes better.
I will definitely be trying this again, using seasoned lean ground beef in place of the chicken. Hope you like it too!
As of this morning, I have not lost ANY weight in February.
My blood pressure has been higher and my doctor increased the dose of my blood pressure medication.
Just eating what I want, in smaller portions, and choosing lower carb foods IS a good way for me to eat, but it keeps me over 250 pounds.
I have been fairly sedentary due to illness, weather, and just plain not being motivated to exercise.
And so the hamster wheel continues. The only thing improved, and it IS a big one, is that I am not experiencing any eating disorders anymore: no binges, no food obsessions, no compulsive eating. There's peace, but is peace enough?
I am quickly approaching that 10 year anniversary of blogging. In less than 6 months I will hit that milestone. I said if I was not at goal or making serious progress towards a healthy weight, I'd do weight loss surgery... and/or quit blogging.
I don't know what I am doing right now. I won't whine on about family medical issues and things that make it "hard," because all those reasons are not going to help me be the healthy, non-obese mom I need to be.
This week may turn back to restriction. I just have to do it without triggering ED. I also have to exercise whether I like it or not, because my age and health are big factors in... in everything. Everything.
I am 38 years old, female, a degree-holding stay-at-home-mom, and I weigh 278 pounds. I have been obese for ten years now. Time to get out of this fat prison I have made for myself.
--This is the original introduction I wrote when I first started this blog in 2007. I leave it as a reminder to myself of where I came from. Currently, I am 46 years old and weigh significantly less...see the blog for details. I lost 103 pounds, then had a partial regain, and am once again working at weight loss and better health.
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