Foods that GRIP You: Eliminate or Moderate?

I have noticed that lots of us struggle with certain foods over and over and over again. There even seems to be a common theme: sugar/fat/salt. I've written before about about the physical whys of this phenomenon (thank you Dr. Kessler), but looking at the practical issues of eating, I find myself asking: Must I eliminate these foods? Or is there a way to moderate them?

We talk about "trigger" foods: ones that set you off into overeating or getting into a mental state of wanting to eat more. Some foods are just so yummy you don't want to stop eating them. For me, one of these foods is cheese.

Here is my issue. It is EASY for me to look at something like sodas or Snickers bars or Little Debbie Cakes and KNOW they are just all-around bad for me. They have no redeeming qualities. They are ALL negative for me. If I eat a Swiss Cake Roll, it does *nothing* for my body; it just causes inflammation and makes my joints hurt, makes my stomach ache, gives me a sugar-withdrawal headache the next day, and sets me up to want to eat more and more junk. So I can easily get my mind around eliminating them. It doesn't bother me to say I will never drink another soda, or eat another Snickers bar. I can make a rule that if I want a sugary sweet, it has to be *worth it* to me. It has to be *special*, gourmet, or homemade... not run of the mill grocery store junk. And I have to stop at a single portion. I can do that..

But what about other foods that GRIP you, make you want to eat more, yet are not so cut-and-dried "junk"? What about things that do have nutritional value, that *are* part of the general diet you grew up on, that are perhaps comfort foods your family loved? There are a lot of foods that have mixed research on whether they are healthy or evil; some people swear off wheat, others eat no grains, some avoid all beef or even all meat, while others eat no dairy. But what if you haven't eliminated whole foods groups from your diet? How do you deal with those foods that you might consider healthy, but when you eat them, you just want to eat MORE?

For me, it has always been cheese. I have loved cheese since childhood. All kinds of cheese! I can just sit and eat slice after slice on its own, or a bowl of grated cheddar, or have it with crackers or melted on a bagel. My biggest comfort foods include it: macaroni and cheese, lasagna, pizza, twice baked potatoes. I have switched to reduced-fat cheese over the past two years, but I still have a hard time keeping to a single portion. That's a big issue when you're dealing with something as calorie-dense as cheese.

Do I stop eating cheese altogether? Do I save it for special occasions? What about those super comforting, delicious recipes I love?

My solution so far has been to cut out the parts of the recipes that "bother" me (seem to trigger that urge to eat more) such as pasta and potatoes. My cauliflower mac n cheese is just as yummy as the noodled version, but it does not trigger me into eating second and third helpings.

So part of the answer is to find substitutes for those grippy foods. But sometimes, there *is* no substitute. What about warm, homemade, white bread, freshly baked and slathered with butter? My heavens, just thinking about it sets off pathways in my brain that I don't want lit up. I used to bake homemade bread often. And it was nothing for me to eat half a loaf right out of the oven. I'd eat a whole loaf if I could get away with it. So I had to stop baking bread. I know that if I baked a loaf of white bread today, the ONLY thing that would stop me from eating half of it would be the embarrassment of the kids asking who ate half the loaf. I have a *very* hard time moderating that food. So I have eliminated it. I will only allow myself hot fresh bread in a circumstance where I *cannot* eat more than one slice, such as in a group of people or at someone else's home. No way am I baking white bread alone at my house again, ever.

There are other foods I had to give up in order to control my reactions to them: fried chicken, french fries, donuts, pork sausage, and pretty much all pasta. I just cannot moderate those things. I am okay with them being literally off the table.

So I guess my solution is
1) find substitutes
2) eliminate the total junk
3) moderate the good stuff
4) cut out the uncontrollable

How about you? What foods grip you if you eat a small portion of them? What have you chosen to eliminate, and why?

Binges and Self Discipline

What is a binge? I've been thinking about this over the past several days since talking about binge vs. overeating on another post. I mean, sure, there is the dictionary definition of a binge (on anything... alcohol, TV, food, etc): "an unrestrained and often excessive indulgence" or "an act of excessive or compulsive consumption." And binge eating is characterized as uncontrolled, rapid, excessive eating followed by guilt.

But, let's set aside rigid definitions for a moment. Tell me what you think. Is a binge different for each person?

Is it dependent on mindset? Amounts? Types of food? Speed of eating? Emotion afterwards?

What if a person is happy and calm and *feels* like eating a lot? And they *choose* to do it and do not feel guilty afterwards? Is that a binge? Does it matter if you are alone or with friends or family? Does it matter if the eater is fat or not?

A woman is sad so she eats a whole bag of chips while watching TV, alone. She feels guilty about it later. She is overweight. Is that a binge? What if she was thin, then is it still a binge? How about if she only eats a bowl of chips with those same emotions?

What if you were planning to have a salad with low fat dressing for dinner but instead eat 2 tacos?
What if you eat 3 candy bars in one sitting? How about 6? What if you only eat ONE but it is not on your eating plan?

Let's talk about me. I am trying to lose weight. I have a specific meal plan, a low carb one.

If I sit down and slowly enjoy 2 pieces of fried chicken, a serving of mashed potatoes and gravy, a roll, and a piece of pie, is that a binge? How about if I skip the pie?

What if I eat it frantically, compulsively? Does it become a binge then?

Now, look at yourself. What would be a binge to you? Would 3 slices of buttered toast be a binge? How about one ice cream sundae? How about half a pizza? Two cookies? One brownie? Does it matter how you feel when you're eating it or afterwards?

I ask all these questions because it seems to me that the "binge" word gets thrown around a lot in the weight loss blogging world. I myself have used it simply to describe "going off plan." It FEELS like a binge to me if I eat 2 slices of pizza for dinner, even though that is not a binge or even overeating for any average person. Heck, I even feel like I binged sometimes when I have an extra, 15-calorie mug of coffee with sugar free creamer in it. So what's up with that?

For me, the "binge" thing has turned into something that is more about emotion than about food. For me, if I stray by a certain amount from my pre-planned eating arrangement, whatever that may be, I start feeling like a failure. And the failure feeling = BINGE to me, because that is how I failed most often in the past.

If I eat one slice of bread when I did not MEAN to and did not consciously DECIDE to (but acted on impulse instead) it makes me feel bad. I have labeled it BINGE in my head, when, in fact, it wasn't one.

Yet if I DECIDE to have two scoops of ice cream, plan it and feel emotionally good about it, even though it is not on plan it does not feel like a binge.

So I have spent time this week thinking, when does it morph?
a few M&Ms
a package of M&Ms
2 packages of M&Ms
a half pound of M&Ms (yes, I have done this in the past)

Depending on my mindset, it morphs:
Happy, accepting, deciding mindset morphs from
treat -> indulgence -> overindulgence -> binge
Sad, upset, impulsive mindset morphs from
slip up -> screw up -> OMG I really overdid it -> binge

Either way, to ME, my overeating is no longer getting to the *binge* point anymore. Oh, I overindulge sometimes. I eat off plan stuff. Usually it is either because I am stressed and it calms me down, or because I just think "hey, that would taste really good!" But the binges of the past... the rapid shoveling, the crazy out-of-control feeling, the half pound of M&Ms or whole package of Oreos... that really is in the past.

I think what I need to work on now is self-discipline. I just tend to like treating myself with junk, because I *like* junk. Oh, I do like healthy stuff too, but I never did lose my taste for processed stuff like chips and pies. I tend to say yes to my desires too often. I find it easy to justify a sugar free latte or a few chips or some sugar free candy, even if it is off plan and not conducive to weight loss.

One of my goals for this month is to BE more disciplined... even when things I want seem to fit into my food plan. For example, sodas. I stopped buying diet sodas months ago. I think I have 3 cans of Diet Rite left in the pantry. Sometimes I think, "oh I really want a Coke Zero!" and think about buying some, but then I remember my commitment to myself. A little voice in my head tries to reason: "It has no calories! You can have diet sodas on Medifast! It is ON PLAN!" But in reality, it is no longer part of MY plan for better health. And that's where self-discipline comes in: I say no, I skip the soda, I have water or tea instead. And it is that kind if discipline that will enable me to manage all the other habits I need for success: skipping sugary sweets, turning down extra helpings, avoiding too much fat or salt, and keeping up with the daily exercising. All of those healthy habits require discipline. And frankly, when I was 278 pounds and binge eating regularly, I had very little self discipline. It has taken many years to change from the mindset to the place I am now. But there is still work to do. I am on it!

February 1, 2012: 199 Pounds

A fresh new month is here, and I am so glad to have it. February is that much closer to spring. I strongly dislike winter and the feeling of hibernation that goes along with it, so February has me feeling hopeful and relieved that the darkest days are over.

January was a bit of a wash as far as weight loss goes. I started the month at 201 and ended it only two pounds lighter. But it's lighter, so that's something. The first two weeks of January I was doing Medifast and added daily walking and biking. I never really believed the tales I'd heard from others on Medifast that said their weight loss stalled when they added exercise, but that's what happened to me. Then I added Plan B (low carb but more fat/protein/calories) and alternated that with Medifast for a bit before jumping off ANY plan and just winging it. I even had a "binge" (which I later realized was off-plan overeating but not, in fact, a binge) of 2 slices of pizza and a diet Coke for dinner, and a few hours later a bowl of chips, a candy bar and a Swiss Cake roll. Water bloat came and went, I took a couple of long walks, and the last couple of days have been back on plan. I put some chicken breasts in the crock pot and have been eating that over salad, or having some eggs over easy with spinach. Tonight's dinner will be more of that chicken breast, either in a salad or with some sauteed mixed veggies.

My hope is to drop ten pounds and get back to 189 by the end of the month, then transition off Medifast (using their transition guide) and add exercise back in and continue to lose weight, even if it is very slowly. I'd like to get to a new low of 174 by my birthday, mid-summer. I think that is quite doable.

Off to run errands!

Superfoods Challenge: Week 4

I'm back for week 4 of the Superfoods Challenge! In case you missed it, we are adding a new Superfood (and its Sidekicks) each week in order to improve our health and eating habits. So far, the list on your fridge from the first 3 weeks should include:

Broccoli (Brussels sprouts, cabbage, kale, turnips, cauliflower, collards, bok choy, mustard greens, Swiss chard): 1/2 to 1 cup per day
Wild Salmon (Alaskan halibut, canned albacore tuna, sardines, herring, trout, sea bass, oysters, clams): 2 to 4 times per week
Yogurt (kefir): Two 8 ounce servings per day

How are you doing keeping up with these foods? Have you been able to continue eating more of them as we add new things each week? I found that it takes some focus to get them into my diet, but those Superfoods also displace less healthy things we could be eating instead! Have you tried any new recipes? There are some great ones posted over in my BlogFrog Community! Thank you for continuing to contribute over there.

This week's Superfood is a super yummy one: walnuts! I *love* walnuts, so this is going to be an awesome week for me. But if you aren't a fan, don't worry! There are some delicious Sidekicks you can try instead: almonds, pistachios, sesame seeds, peanuts, pumpkin seeds, sunflower seeds, macadamia nuts, pecans, hazelnuts, and cashews.

According to the Superfoods Rx website, nuts and seeds are a rich source of nutrients; "a nut or seed is basically a storage device that contains all the highly concentrated proteins, calories, and nutrients that a plant embryo will require to flourish." Walnuts are an exceptional Superfood because of the antioxidants they contain and their antiinflammatory benefits that decrease risks of some types of cancer, help prevent against cardiovascular disease, and protect against type 2 diabetes. One fourth of a cup of walnuts will give you 95% of your daily value of omega-3 fatty acids, 42% DV of manganese, 20% DV of copper, 3.8 grams of protein, 1.7 grams of fiber, 3.4 grams of carbs, and a wealth of other vitamins, minerals, and amino acids for only 163 calories. WHF recommends eating one ounce of nuts as a serving; this is approximately 28 grams or 1/4 cup of walnuts (about 14 walnut halves). SuperFoods Rx recommends five servings of walnuts or its sidekicks per week. For those who are doing Medifast, a half ounce of walnuts, pistachios, or almonds is an optional snack.

You can eat nuts and seeds out of hand, or you can include them in other foods and recipes. I love to add toasted walnuts to oatmeal. Slivered almonds or sunflower seeds often find their way into my salads. And you can also enjoy your nuts in the form of natural nut butters; look for butters without added sugars or oils. I have enjoyed natural, freshly ground almond butter from my grocery store and also enjoy sunflower seed butter on occasion. You can also grind your own fresh nut and seed butters at home with your food processor!

I have a recipe to share with you, but it's not for low carbers! I bake these for my children, because they are a sweet treat that is much healthier than your standard cookie. They are so yummy. All my kids love these (and so do I, although I'm not eating any at the moment!) I tore the recipe out of Clean Eating magazine some time ago. These cookies are gluten free, dairy free, and lower in sugar than most cookies. They contain all the health benefits of almonds (and dark chocolate! a wonderful combination) and the recipe only makes 2 dozen, so it works well for our family. I hope you like them!

Almond Butter Chocolate Chunk Cookies

1 cup natural, unsalted, unsweetened almond butter
3/4 cup sucanat (an unrefined sugar; you can substitute brown sugar or even white, but sucanat is excellent)
1 large egg, beaten
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/4 tsp sea salt
3 oz good quality dark chocolate, broken or cut into chunks (darker is better!)

In a bowl mix everything but the chocolate using a wooden spoon until well combined. Stir in the chocolate.
Drop by tablespoons onto cookie sheets lined with parchment paper (NOT wax paper!)
Bake at 350 degrees for 10-12 minutes until very lightly browned.
Cool on cookie sheets for 5 minutes; then remove to a rack to finish cooling.

1 cookie = 110 calories, 8 g fat, 10 g carbs, 1 g fiber, 3 g sugar, 2 g protein.

Enjoy!

How will you enjoy YOUR nuts and seeds this week?

Binge Eating Disorder: Cured

My eating disorder is a thing. It is something almost tangible, that I can see and hold and throw at the walls. It is something I love and hate and grab onto, clutching in desperation at times for comfort. It is something I despise and cherish and hate and want to be free of, that has served me and tortured me and accompanied me through the last decade of my life.

I did have an eating disorder. I always wondered what was wrong with me that I could sit and zone out and eat more than a whole day's worth of food in one, fifteen-minute sitting. I wondered why I kept doing it even though I felt guilty, I wanted to stop, I made myself sick, and I was gaining weight at an astounding pace. I let my eating disorder imprison me in morbid obesity for a long time.

My eating disorder became clearer to me as I lost weight. It sometimes looked like a raging monster, one that was biting me on the arms and terrifying me as I tried to get it away from me, all the while embracing it and trying to tame it into some kind of loyal pet. I tried so hard to turn that terrifying, ugly monster into something kinder and calmer and more domesticated. But it always seemed I ended up getting bit, crying and bleeding and wishing I could somehow let it go.

I tried calling exterminators. Therapists, doctors, experts who I thought might be able to slay the beast that I seemed unable to kill on my own. In my head I was cornered, frightened, ever waiting for the next monstrous attack with the razor-sharp teeth and claws that would leave me once again crying and bleeding and bandaging my wounds. And then again I'd try to befriend it, to tame it, to tentatively reach out and understand it, and it would bite me again. I could not be rid of the monster.

Over time, I have finally come to understand that my vision was clouded. I was imagining that monster. It was my own fears come to life in my mind... my idea that my eating disorder was something I could not understand, comprehend, or conquer. It was an outside force, an entity like the demons I feared as a child, that did things *to* me. It took hold of me in its jaws and shook, shook, shook, until I went limp like a rag doll and ate and ate until I could eat no more. It was the only way to appease the monster. Eat. Do its bidding. Only then would its jaws open and it would slink away, leaving me once again wounded and shaking and trying to heal. Trying to be free.

All this time, I was wrong. My eating disorder was not a monster. It never was. I was seeing it through my own fears and bleak hopelessness that surrounds those who suffer, imagine it a monster, and think they can never be free.

It is not a monster. I see it clearly now. My eating disorder is a teddy bear.

It's a brown, soft, fluffy teddy bear. It has no teeth or claws; it has no demon-eyes. It is gentle and comforting and I, myself, chose to reach out and embrace it. It never cornered me or threatened me or caused my wounds. I caused them myself, with my own imaginations and beliefs and actions.

When I was upset, I took the comfort of the bear. Comfort was what I wanted all along. I think sometimes I was trying to punish myself by imagining it a monster. But it had no life of its own, either way; it was just a silly stuffed animal with no power over me. When I was lonely, I reached for it. When I was sad, or happy, or overwhelmed, I put my hand out and touched the soft fur and hugged it near me. My eating disorder has served a purpose all along. I used it to help myself cope. I used it to shut out the world. I buried my face in its softness and closed my eyes and the world disappeared for a bit. It was my own mind that let that teddy bear morph into a flesh-shredding monster to be feared. It was my own sense of helplessness that left me feeling like a victim after every binge.

It's been a long time since I took the bear off its shelf and embraced it. It was even getting a bit dusty over there, but I knew I still had it. I just didn't need it so much lately. This week the bear came off the shelf and into my arms for awhile. This time, there was no fear. There was no fright that it *could be* a monster, that it *could* hurt me. It couldn't. For the first time, I saw it for what it truly is. And I was not afraid.

I've had the bear on the shelf for a long time now. Each time I get it down, it is less threatening and I feel so much less attached to it. Like a child maturing into adulthood, I remember the times when I thought I really *needed* my bear to get by, but then life calls and I forget and it takes up less space in my mind. I sleep without it, I go on coping in different ways. The bear sits on the shelf longer and longer until the grown-up takes it down one last time and then stuffs it into a trunk or a box in the attic.

People like to tell me I need a therapist or a specialist or a psychiatrist to help me tame this thing, this eating disorder, as if it is a monster I cannot deal with alone. If you've read my blog for long, you know I don't buy it. I have spent plenty of time with counselors in the past, and while there have been some good insights, none of them truly helped me erase my self-destructive behaviors. I talked to a counselor last month on the phone for an hour, and while I got some great tips on how to re-frame my idea of weight-loss success and my reasons for wanting to lose weight, I don't think it gave me any new insights into my actual reasons or drivers for eating. Nor do I believe any counselor or specialist could give me more insight than I have had on my own in four years of self-examination, introspection, and working through the mental side of binge eating. That's not to discount specialists in general; I just believe that I am the ultimate specialist in *myself.* I have made it my business to become the expert in my own behaviors. I won't ever understand everything, but I have a pretty good grip on why I do what I do. And I absolutely reject the assertion that I can not  be free of an eating disorder without the help of some professional. I do not need therapy. Not for this, anyway.

Don't believe me? Don't think Binge Eating Disorder can be "cured" without a therapist, on one's own? Don't think it can *ever* be cured? Think again. Because technically, I've already cured myself.

According to the DSM-V criteria for BED, it is characterized by 3 or more of the following:

■eating much more rapidly than normal,
■eating until feeling uncomfortably full,
■eating large amounts of food when not feeling physically hungry,
■eating alone because of feeling embarrassed by how much one is eating, and/or
■feeling disgusted with oneself, depressed, or very guilty afterward.

In addition, the binge eating must occur, on average, at least once a week for three months.

Four years ago, I *easily* met, not just 3, but all five of the above bulleted criteria for BED, and I had met these criteria for many years. I binged like that *definitely* more than once a week, and it went on for a decade.

And now? No. I no longer meet the official criteria for BED. My 'binge' this week DID involve eating large amounts when not hungry and eating until I was uncomfortably full. However it did not meet the other criteria, and even if it had, the frequency of my binges now (a few times a year) no longer allows me to be diagnosed with BED. This is addressed by the chair of the Eating Disorders Work Group for the DSM-V, who states, "the disorder is really a phenomenon of frequently eating an abnormal amount combined with feelings of shame, guilt, or disgust. The behavior is recurrent, and it feels wrong. It’s that combination of factors that distinguish it from the overeating that we all occasionally do” which distinguishes pathological behavior from the kind of periodic overeating in which many people indulge.

Periodic overeating is not an eating disorder. Having too much turkey at Thanksgiving, eating a dozen cookies at Christmas, or being sad and eating half a cheesecake does not make you someone who has an eating disorder. What I was doing four years ago... that was an eating disorder. What I am doing now? Nope, no longer diagnosable by any stretch of the imagination.

I technically am "cured" of BED, going by the books. I didn't need a therapist to do this. I did it myself.

I personally do not yet consider myself healed to the point of normalcy, regardless of what the experts and the books say. If I turn to food for comfort and overeat when I don't really want to, and that affects my weight, that is something I want to fix. It's no longer technically an eating disorder, but since it is a remnant of one, I consider it an extension of that old behavior, or wanting my teddy bear for comfort.

I don't really need it anymore. But let me stress to you that I HAD A DIAGNOSABLE EATING DISORDER AND I NO LONGER HAVE IT. It is NOT necessary in every case to get "professional help" to be free from binge eating. My "binges" do not even qualify as binges anymore. They are less frequent, less intense, and are not ridden with guilt like they used to be. In fact they border on the regular old garden variety overeating that anyone might do. I am freeing *myself* of the remnants of BED. It takes time, but I've been successful.

I've just begun reading Brain over Binge, and for the first time I am finding an author who agrees with me that binge eating is *not* all about some past trauma and we do not all need years of therapy to overcome it. The author bases her writing and recovery on another book, Rational Recovery, which I have not read but that has the same idea: we can free *ourselves* from addiction. I have felt this way throughout my journey. I have always rejected the OA concept of being "powerless over food". It is nice to see some authors who agree with me. It feels rather validating.

I am at the point now where my weight loss is actually no longer about BED, but about self-discipline and eating less calories than I am burning. It's about me being proactive with meal preparation and scheduled activity, and not giving in to eating cookies or pizza when I feel like it. It's about having the strength to turn my thoughts away from food and towards health and life and other, more important things. It is not easy, but it's also not some deep psychological issue. It's just some hard work, habit-breaking, knuckling down and focusing and getting it done.

I am not saying I won't falter or will never overeat or even that I am going to get to my goal weight. Who knows? I will work at it. We'll see where it gets me. But I am done living the BED life. I am not living in fear of the monster anymore, because there is no monster. And a teddy bear, while a childish crutch, is much more manageable than a monster. The monster is gone from my mind, the teddy bear is in the box in the attic. Maybe I'll get it out once in awhile in the future, but it just doesn't comfort me like it used to. Maybe I'll get rid of the box completely. I used to be afraid to get rid of my familiar old 'friend', but the thought of life without it is easier now. I admit that for a long time, once it lost its fearsome monsterness, I wanted to hang on to that old fluffy teddy bear, just in case. It was kind of comforting knowing it was there, even if I didn't plan to take it out and use it. Binge eating was an old familiar friend, and thinking about going without it made me nervous. I clung to it, or the idea of it, tenaciously. But lately, I just see it as a dusty old raggedy thing. I don't need that teddy bear anymore. I often think about just tossing it in the trash, leaving it behind forever.

In summary:

I had Binge Eating Disorder for many years. It felt like a scary monster to me.
I changed my habits, did some mental work, lost a bunch of weight.
My binges became less frequent and less intense as time passed.
A "binge" now is so infrequent, so much less food, and so much less distressing emotionally to me that it actually isn't classifiable as a binge at all. Rather, it's overeating, even with the remnant of 'binge planning' that was more habit than anything else, and didn't pan out in the end.
The monster that plagued and terrified me for so long is gone, replaced by a teddy bear that I sometimes feel like reaching out to for comfort.
I no longer feel scarred, traumatized, and guilty after overeating. I no longer fit the criteria for BED; I do not have an eating disorder anymore.
My issue now is not some deep psychological scarring or underlying emotional thing I need to 'deal with' in order to lose weight. It is not about my childhood or my failed marriage or my feelings of insecurity. My issue now is that I like to eat. Cake tastes good. I like hot dogs and Cheetos. End of story.
I will lose weight when I stop giving in to my desires to eat more than I should and the kinds of foods that make me want to eat more and more of them.