Tuesday, June 18, 2019

The Obesity Journey

I'm having a really hard time getting my eating under control and my exercise habits back since we got home from my daughter's hospitalization. I mean, I did great the first week and dropped 8 pounds, but I know that was because I went from high carb, high volume to the opposite. This week was harder, and though I stuck with the plan and walking for the first few days of the week, I just kind of lost it the last few days. My net loss for this week was 0. Still 210. And then the last two days I really just dove into the "food for comfort" thing and am up a couple pounds overnight. I dunno, does it ever end?

We had a relative pass away unexpectedly and my husband is gone out of state for the week for the funeral. My daughter is starting physical therapy and has doctor's appointments several times a week. My yard is full of weeds and they are pretty darn tall around the driveway, and my dogs think I am being super lazy not even giving them a walk some days. And yet, pasta and ice cream are where I tend to go to deal with the emotions around everything, big and small. When I get into a good habit of intermittent fasting and lower carbing, I feel better and it feels easy. But if I eat one high carb meal I really have a bad time getting back on track now. It didn't use to be that way. Last year I was able to eat anything I wanted in a smaller, moderate portion and be just fine... no cravings, no problems, no gain. I have often said over the years that it seems like I get "one shot" at each method... the first time on anything works amazing. And then if I stop, my body gets wise to it and it never works the same way again. Medifast, calorie counting, South Beach, AIP, Victoza, IF, phentermine... each one worked like a miracle to peel the weight off once. And then if I tried it again, it just didn't work. Phentermine doesn't give me any energy now and doesn't help nearly as much with appetite. So I stopped it. I feel like I am sitting on the ground in a pile of used syringes, empty pill bottles, food scales, FitBits, shake packets and protein bar wrappers wondering what to do.

I know all these gimmicks are just starters for people... a kick start or a way to get motivated or start getting weight off, a method to feel motivated and in control and have a plan. They WORKED but then I didn't. Even the ones I stuck with long term eventually lost steam. People always say things like "just" eat healthy (and then they give their definition of healthy, which varies from no meat to all meat, whole grains to no grains, skipping breakfast to making it the biggest meal of the day... no one agrees on anything) but some of us are just broken in that regard. I don't know why it is, but some of us have to work SO hard to stay on a "healthy" plan for more than a few weeks, months, or years. It's a lifetime change and some people, even those who succeed short term, end up back where they started 5 years down the road. I mean look at the bloggers of the Blogging years. The ones who started out morbidly obese like me, even the huge success stories of almost a decade ago, have almost all gained it back. And yes, I think being 100 pounds overweight is a whole different story than someone who thinks they are massive at well under 200 pounds and gets to a normal weight. It's almost like when you get big enough there is no coming back from some things, I dunno. Does there always have to be surgery to keep 100+ pounds off for 5 or more years?

All of that said, I am not giving up (nor having surgery). I am blessed that my body has a new normal and has NOT gone back to 100 pounds overweight. Being able to stay closer to 200 than 300 is a victory in itself, and 210 is not nearly as debilitating as 280. I still want more. And if I keep working at it, I believe I will slide that new normal back down to 170-180 and can stay there without fighting myself every day. It just takes time.

Sunday, June 9, 2019

Weigh In

Good morning. This week was kind of interesting. My goals for this week were to cut back on carbs and portions, get back to an 8-hour intermittent fasting "eating window" and take a walk every day. It was way harder than I thought to cut those carbs back and wait until noon or later to eat, and it took me several days to get there, even taking a half dose of phentermine every morning. But on Wednesday I got there and I am working at eating after noon and not eating after 8pm. I walked 7 days out of 8, kept my carbs and portions lower except for one dinner at a barbecue (with buns, chips, and potato salad) and drank plenty of water. As a result, today I weigh 210 pounds, which is 8 pounds gone this week.

I think I can drop a couple pounds a week by sticking to this plan. I'm still posting most of my intake on Instagram, but that may slow down as I get more settled in my eating. I'd like to be back under 200 pounds for my birthday in the middle of July.

That's all for now!

Wednesday, June 5, 2019

Back on Track

Today when I got up I finally managed to get out the door without eating something. This was my first day I went without breakfast (just coffee with half and half). I've been working on getting back to Intermittent Fasting, but have been *so* hungry that I couldn't make it for long without eating. I tried to just have small portions, lower carbs (since that's what worked before) and stretch my non-eating time as much as possible, and finally today I got there. I had chicken and fruit for my lunch around noon, and will stop eating by 8 pm. That's my IF eating window. My weight has been responding way better than I expected. I was 218 on Sunday, 216 Monday, 214 yesterday and 210 today! I'll take it. I am also walking the dog every morning and taking half a phentermine daily. I've been posting everything I eat on my Instagram page (lynescapes) so check it out if you're interested.

Tonight I think I will take some leftover taco meat and cook it with a bunch of vegetables for dinner. I feel good and am so glad to be back on track!

Monday, June 3, 2019

Good Morning, Action

Good morning. Yesterday after I shared my long overdue update, I got out and took one of the dogs for a walk. I spent the day drinking lots of water, eating more veggies and fruits, and trying to just avoid anything too carby. This morning I am down 2 pounds to 216... a drop in the bucket, but every bucket has to start with a drop, slow or fast.

This morning as I was lying in bed thinking about how to get back to a healthier weight, I thought about all the different things I have done over the past decade (plus) of blogging. I thought about the successes and the failures, the ups and downs, good times and bad, and I thought, you know... actually, this is pretty good. Think if I had never started blogging, taken steps to change my life, gotten on the path to better health. I was 278 pounds back then and was honestly on a trajectory to fly way, way over 300 pounds. I had no tools, no energy, and very little motivation. Anything I tried lasted a couple of days or maybe, if I was lucky and very excited about some plan, a few weeks. But something really *did* change back then. If I had not made changes, I would have spent the entire last 12 years... most of my 30's and all of my 40's... near 300 pounds or more. I might not even be here now.

Instead, because I tried, and never gave up, I was under 250 pounds for more than 90% of the past nearly 12 years. I was in the 220's or less for 57% of that time, and weighed under 200 pounds almost a quarter of that time. Maybe to some people that is not success, but when I look at what I *know* would have been the alternative, I am very thankful. A quarter of my LIFE since then was spent in a pretty normal, healthy range... in the 170's to 190's... instead of over 300. And most of the time I was a good 100 pounds less than I would have been had I not made the changes. We all know how quickly time passes, and it is not unrealistic to imagine that if I had lived this long I would have missed out on a lot of the things that have brought me joy over the years. When I imagine myself at 278 pounds in that white, food-stained tee shirt and black stretch pants, holding, not my infant daughter on my lap in this living room, but my baby granddaughter who is here now instead... how sad and dismal, in fact how terrifying that vision is to me. But instead, my reality is different, because I tried.

I will keep trying. For my kids, my grandchildren, for me.

I was so hungry lying there in bed early this morning, my stomach growling, and I was thinking about what I should eat for the day; I already had a dinner in mind with chicken breasts cooked with cauliflower. But the growling stomach tells me that my habit over the past month and a half of eating a heavy breakfast is going to be a tough one to break. We've been eating 3 meals per day and the breakfasts were pretty substantial, so my body has come to expect that. When I've been successful recently it's been through Intermittent Fasting with an 8 hour eating window (except for coffee). I know I need to make changes *right now,* so when I got out of bed, drank water, had coffee, walked the dog, and decided to start taking phentermine again to help with the hunger. The last time I took phentermine was for 2-3 weeks in January, and it felt like it had no effect. My doctor had prescribed it that month and told me I had to lose 10 pounds in 3 months or she would not prescribe it again. Well, that ship sure sailed, but I have a bottle still left and it would last a month if I take it twice a day. I may only take it in the mornings, we'll see, but I think I need the kick start it should give me to suppress my appetite, get some of these regained pounds off and get back on an Intermittent Fasting schedule.

My goal is to only have coffee until noonish, and stop eating by 8 pm. I am choosing healthy foods, smaller portions, lower carbs. If I feel like I *have* to eat something (until my body re-adjusts to not eating every couple of hours) I will have protein or produce. I'm walking daily and will start swimming and biking ASAP. Thank you for all the years of support!

Sunday, June 2, 2019

What Happened

Does anyone read this blog anymore? Is anybody out there?

I know I haven't posted since late April... six weeks to be exact. It's not the reason you think.

I have been away from home almost the whole time. My daughter had a medical crisis, some travel to a hospital, a stay, surgery, and further treatment and care. She's doing GREAT now. Better than ever. But it took a lot out of us. I just came home a couple days ago and am trying to get back into some kind of regular routine.

I did not get on a scale the whole time I was gone. I was somewhere over 200 pounds when I last posted... can't remember exactly, but maybe 204 or something? Today I weigh 218. So, like, 14 pounds in six weeks. I ate a lot. Hospital food, fast food, vending machines, whatever. I paid no attention to my eating or my health. I did notice my clothes were strangling me.

Can that be undone, along with the other 20+ pounds I'd already gained since the car accident last fall? It really feels impossible.