Saturday, December 1, 2018

December 1, 2018: The Start of a Regain

I'm back for my monthly update and the news isn't good. It looks a whole lot like the start of a massive regain to me.

On November 1, I weighed 178 pounds... my lowest weight this year. Today I am sad to report that I am up ten pounds to 188. Ten pounds in one month. And I know exactly what that ten pounds is made of. Fast food, candy, cookies, carbs, and junk. It's also made of pain, loneliness, anxiety, and tears. The fallout from my car accident has been big, but I know I don't have any real excuse for eating so much all the time. I'm not even trying anymore, to be honest. All doctor's appointments end with a trip through a drive through. All cravings and thoughts for something easy and convenient that I imagine might soothe my feelings for a bit are indulged. Frozen pizzas. Salami sandwiches. Anything my family cooks is eaten without discrimination. Long gone are the days of 1/4 cup of mashed potatoes as a side with meat and vegetables; instead. they are heaped on my plate with abandon, covered in gravy, and devoured. The calm is gone with food. And so is the ability to be satisfied with a bite or a taste. I can eat a heaping bowl full of chips and not get half the satisfaction I used to get with just 5 chips. Everything's changed.

I tried taking phentermine this week and skipping some of the pain meds, but somehow, phentermine did nothing at all. Instead of getting the calm back and reducing my appetite, it did nothing at all, even on the highest dose. But then I kind of knew it would be that way. My peace was taken in that crash and I haven't gotten it back yet, and that is the one essential element to my keeping off the weight.

I don't know what to do, because I honestly have no motivation to stop. Well, other than knowing that if I gain 5 more pounds NONE of my clothes will fit. Literally none. Stuff is tight already. I don't have much more room for failure.

I had to reschedule my counseling appointment this week so didn't get in at all. That didn't help. I did get cleared to start physical therapy next week, which I don't understand HOW I am going to do it without hurting myself, but they're the experts. So we'll see. I don't want to get on the scale anymore. I don't want any vegetables. I just want to sit here and eat everything that anyone brings in, and Christmas is the season for plenty of dropped-off foods. I dunno, sadly, I feel like I just don't care.

I don't know where this is headed (well, I mean, obviously I am either going to stay like I am and keep gaining, or find a way to stop and either maintain or lose), but if I could just finish healing physically and be done with the pain and restrictions, I feel like I'd get my old life... and peace... back.

Sunday, November 25, 2018

I Just Don't Know

I am all over the place emotionally, and my weight is reflecting that. I'm all over the place physically, too: one minute feeling good, the next in awful pain. I go half a day without needing pain medicine, so I think I can fold a few clothes and put them away and then I am sidelined with pain for 24 hours. Happy one minute, in despair the next. Laughing on minute, getting dizzy and almost fainting the next. This whole thing is so unpredictable and that is what sucks. If I could just have a timeline over which I knew I would gradually and predictably get better and better, that would be tolerable. But not knowing how long it is going to take to heal (really) or how I will feel hour to hour or what exactly I should avoid to keep pain away is messing with my mind. I'm glad I have a counselor to talk to this week, because this could turn into depression real fast if I don't stay on top of it.

My weight has been crazy too. From 178-180 early in the month, to 188 less than a week ago, then 185, 183, 181, 182, and today 184. Maybe it's not *that* huge of a fluctuation, but my weight's been pretty stable with narrow fluctuations for the most part so this is a bit disconcerting. I'm having to work harder on the "calm" part of the equation, and trying to keep the sense of peace. I just don't know when it is going to get easy again... emotionally.

So that's my weigh-in for the week, which is decent I guess with a 4 pound loss from my bump up to 188. I'd like to hang around 180 through the holidays and then see if I am able to lose some weight in the new year.

Friday, November 23, 2018

A Little Better

After snapping myself out of the eating coma I was plunging into last week, I am finally feeling a little better... a bit more hopeful. It's depressing to be so limited in what one can physically do, and there's definitely emotional fallout after having something scary happen. The good thing is that I have been working on separating my eating from my emotional state, and I'm coping a little better in that regard now. Maybe it's natural to fall back on what "worked" for years: stuffing feelings down with food, eating to feel calm, turning to that old familiar way of giving myself something "good" to make up for something bad that happened. But you know, I have some new coping mechanisms now. I have support from family, friends, and church. I have the clarity of knowing I *can* get by and even thrive when I choose something like resting, reading, calling a friend, or writing out my feelings to lift anxiety and sadness. It does work. I just have to remember to choose those things rather than cake or buttered toast.

Thanksgiving was wonderful although I was not able to do much of the cooking. My kids cleaned the kitchen and took out the trash, and two of my sons brought over a bigger dining room table with a leaf so we can have 8 people at the main table and still have plenty of room (my old one had 6, and it was very cramped to fit even 7 around the table). My husband chopped the onions and celery for the stuffing, cut up the sweet potatoes, cut up the apples for the Snicker salad, and put all the leftovers away. My daughter in law (who is expecting my first granddaughter in January... yes!!!!) made an apple pie and brought some frosted cookies. (My oldest and his wife had a baby boy this summer, so now I will have TWO grandkids!!) We had a wonderful time visiting, playing video games, and watching movies and I still got to rest. My plate looked almost exactly as it has for the last several Thanksgivings: turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, stuffing, green bean casserole, sweet potatoes, corn, cranberry sauce, and a roll. Later I had some Snicker salad and a small piece of apple pie. Moderate and plenty. Leftovers today.

I know it is going to take some time to fully heal and be back to my normal level of activity. I have good people in my life who will pitch in to help me as needed, and I also appreciate the encouragement I have gotten here in the comments and by email. Thank you so much for supporting me!

Tuesday, November 20, 2018

Wreck-and-Gain, Update

Just a brief update on the wreck-and-gain.

I got on the scale finally and was 188 pounds. Wow... ten pounds from my low of 178. Up 6 pounds from about a week ago. Seeing the number *so close* to 190 really slapped me in the face and made me stop. Just laying off the toast and junk I am back to 185 this morning. But I still struggle.

I want to eat to distract myself from the pain. Today the doctor told me I am doing too much and need to rest. I told him, I am ALREADY doing practically nothing! How much more nothing can I possibly do? I don't pick up anything, push anything, or walk the dogs. I don't vacuum, carry laundry baskets, or take a walk. Heck, I can't even open the heavy business doors to go into a store or the doctor's office! And he said, get in a recliner and put your feet up. Ask for help. Rest.

This is hard for me. I DID ask if I could at least try the recumbent indoor exercise bike, and he said I could try, but for no more than five minutes. And if it hurts at all, then five minutes is too much. It's so discouraging. But I have to rest to heal.

I got an appointment with my counselor next week because I need to deal with this emotional fallout from the accident. I hope he can help me; it feels so out of control that I wonder if anyone can help, but I'm giving it a try. For today, I am drinking more water. Taking my vitamins and medications. Trying to choose healthier foods and smaller portions. And planning out who is making what for Thanksgiving, since I can't do it all. Four of my five kids plus 2 or 3 guests and my husband will be here, and they can all pitch in to make a good traditional Thanksgiving meal. And I will give thanks that I am here and we are all okay.

Friday, November 16, 2018

Diet Wrecked, Too?

I am really having a hard time this week. I think my emotions finally caught up with me about the car accident. I don't think I dealt with it, or even felt it emotionally before now. I'm driving again (a rental right now) and when I am out there driving, sometimes I see a bigger vehicle coming towards me or whizzing past me and it makes me so upset I feel like crying. I feel physically sick and sometimes shake a little bit. I hate the feeling so much that I have been saying things like "I need to buy a big truck" which makes no logical sense. I have zero need for a truck, all but two of my kids are moved out of the house so I don't need something big, I no longer have an RV to tow, and I really ought to find a car that gets good gas mileage. But there is a part of me that just wants to feel invincible when I'm going down the road. So I know a truck is not something I will get, but I am not sure when I will stop feeling so nervous about driving. My sons and friends were driving me at first, and I had to close my eyes sometimes to not freak out about the fear of getting hit. I guess I will talk to my counselor about it, but I really don't like the unsettled feeling I have about it.

I also have not been coping with my pain as well this week. In fact, I've really regressed in my coping. I've started turning to food for comfort in an old, unhealthy way. I don't mean sitting down and enjoying a cup of tea and a piece of shortbread. I mean stuffing food in to stuff feelings down. I wouldn't say binge... it's not on that level, volume wise. But the feeling of not being at all hungry, sort of sitting in the anxiousness, wanting the pain to go away, wanting my old car back, wanting to be able to vacuum or take a walk... but being unable to, and instead, making a piece of toast and cramming it down my throat without tasting it. That's a very old tactic I used to use to deal with frustration and anxiety. I recognize it and it alarms me. It scares me because... where is my calm? What happened to my peace? All of my success in the past couple years has been based on peace and calm about food... and now... is it gone? Can I get it back? Will the un-calm, un-settled, anxious feeling about the accident and my own vulnerability and my pain soak into every aspect of my life and steal away that peace I had with food? I am worried. And I knew it was real when, the other day, I was out alone at night and was feeling extremely anxious, and what I did scared me. I went through a McDonald's drive thru and got a Big Mac meal and sat in my car and ate it. Even though I have not been to a McDonald's since 2009, when I found a fly in my ice cream cone. Even though I swore I would never, ever eat there again. And I was not hungry, either.

I feel like I am losing my mind over this. I'm not sure what is going on. I am afraid to weigh. I was 182 pounds a few days ago and have not gotten on the scale since I've been eating all kinds of crap and junk that doesn't even taste good in what feels like some kind of self defense desperation.

That's where I am now. Cramming another piece of toast while writing this and craving McDonald's and being revolted at the craving at the same time. I do not want this to be the start of another regain. This is hard to post, but I know it has to be said.