Friday, November 16, 2018

Diet Wrecked, Too?

I am really having a hard time this week. I think my emotions finally caught up with me about the car accident. I don't think I dealt with it, or even felt it emotionally before now. I'm driving again (a rental right now) and when I am out there driving, sometimes I see a bigger vehicle coming towards me or whizzing past me and it makes me so upset I feel like crying. I feel physically sick and sometimes shake a little bit. I hate the feeling so much that I have been saying things like "I need to buy a big truck" which makes no logical sense. I have zero need for a truck, all but two of my kids are moved out of the house so I don't need something big, I no longer have an RV to tow, and I really ought to find a car that gets good gas mileage. But there is a part of me that just wants to feel invincible when I'm going down the road. So I know a truck is not something I will get, but I am not sure when I will stop feeling so nervous about driving. My sons and friends were driving me at first, and I had to close my eyes sometimes to not freak out about the fear of getting hit. I guess I will talk to my counselor about it, but I really don't like the unsettled feeling I have about it.

I also have not been coping with my pain as well this week. In fact, I've really regressed in my coping. I've started turning to food for comfort in an old, unhealthy way. I don't mean sitting down and enjoying a cup of tea and a piece of shortbread. I mean stuffing food in to stuff feelings down. I wouldn't say binge... it's not on that level, volume wise. But the feeling of not being at all hungry, sort of sitting in the anxiousness, wanting the pain to go away, wanting my old car back, wanting to be able to vacuum or take a walk... but being unable to, and instead, making a piece of toast and cramming it down my throat without tasting it. That's a very old tactic I used to use to deal with frustration and anxiety. I recognize it and it alarms me. It scares me because... where is my calm? What happened to my peace? All of my success in the past couple years has been based on peace and calm about food... and now... is it gone? Can I get it back? Will the un-calm, un-settled, anxious feeling about the accident and my own vulnerability and my pain soak into every aspect of my life and steal away that peace I had with food? I am worried. And I knew it was real when, the other day, I was out alone at night and was feeling extremely anxious, and what I did scared me. I went through a McDonald's drive thru and got a Big Mac meal and sat in my car and ate it. Even though I have not been to a McDonald's since 2009, when I found a fly in my ice cream cone. Even though I swore I would never, ever eat there again. And I was not hungry, either.

I feel like I am losing my mind over this. I'm not sure what is going on. I am afraid to weigh. I was 182 pounds a few days ago and have not gotten on the scale since I've been eating all kinds of crap and junk that doesn't even taste good in what feels like some kind of self defense desperation.

That's where I am now. Cramming another piece of toast while writing this and craving McDonald's and being revolted at the craving at the same time. I do not want this to be the start of another regain. This is hard to post, but I know it has to be said.

Sunday, November 11, 2018


It's been two and a half weeks since I last posted (100 Pounds Gone Again, with pictures), so although I am not feeling amazing at this point, I think an update is in order. For those who missed it, I did post a comment on that last post that I had been in a car accident and spent time in the hospital and at home recovering. I'm still healing. The doctor said it could be six months before I am back to my old normal... and while I didn't believe that at first, I am starting to believe it now. I'm very thankful to be here and not in worse condition. I am up and walking, but still not doing any lifting. I should be able to start physical therapy soon but I need help right now with day to day things like housework and laundry. I think we will start looking for a replacement car in a week or two.

So about my weight. My last post showed me at 178 pounds. I have gone back and forth between 178 and 180 and back again. I was 178 on November 1, which means I lost two pounds in October. I am back to 180 today. My weight just fluctuates those two pounds with how I am eating now. I haven't been able to take the phentermine since the accident (I'm on different prescriptions now, like muscle relaxers and something for pain). I have not been able to walk the dogs, so my kids are doing it. I have done almost nothing activity-wise because I can't. I walk around the house a bit, and that's it. I'll build up as I heal.

Today I was trying on some of the sweaters I bought for this winter (some I bought online without trying them on), plus it has gotten cold and I pulled out some coats to see what fits. Well the coats, that's kind of funny. All I have left are 3 options: a very big, baggy 2X coat that somehow escaped the donation bin all this time, a nice new size L coat that I bought last time I was this size that fits pretty nicely and zips but is JUST a bit snug, and a size M tan suede coat I bought years ago as a "goal" coat. I always wanted a cute suede coat like that and it was on sale so I got it, but I have never fit into it. Well I am *so close* to it fitting now! I can get it on but not closed, and the arms are too tight. As for the sweaters, I have two that are really soft and pretty but they are just a bit too tight (also size Medium). If I lost ten pounds, that suede coat and those two M sweaters would fit me perfectly and everything else I own would probably only be slightly loose. So that's my next goal: lose ten pounds and fit into those 3 things! I want to do it before winter is over so I actually get to wear them this year before it gets warm again.

I hope that soon I will be able to start PT and maybe be able to walk a bit for exercise or start riding the exercise bike. Most of my pain is from the hips up, so I will ask the doctor this week if I can give the bike a try. One hip was injured so I do need to ask first. I am not thrilled to have to start from basically nothing with my activity and be unable to even do something simple like crunches or 5 pound arm weights or a mile walk, but I also see this as a challenge. I can't walk a mile, I can't lift 5 pounds, I can't do a sit up... BUT I WILL GET THERE. I'll update and start posting regularly again now that I can think clearly. Thanks for checking back even when I seem to have disappeared!

Wednesday, October 24, 2018

100 Pounds Gone Again

Well how about that? I finally hit 178 pounds yesterday morning, which is 100 pounds gone *again*! It is no easy feat to lose 100 pounds. And it's even harder, in my experience, to lose it a second time. But finally, here I am! And when I went to look back at my original 100 Pounds Gone post, I noticed that the date was exactly eight years ago today! Wow... eight years of struggle, regain, efforts, and finally success again. Now that's a journey! I am very proud to have hit this milestone and hope to never have to deal with a regain of that magnitude again.

I have not been feeling well, so my photos this time don't do justice to how much I have changed. They're not as numerous or as good as the ones last time in the link above, but when I feel better I will try and have one of my kids take some photos outdoors where the light is better. For now, here I am today at 178 pounds.


It feels so good to be back in this place! In 2010, the lowest weight I reached was 175 pounds, and I can't wait to see that number again... and maybe even lower. A few interesting facts:

In 2010, it took me 77 days to lose the ten pounds from 188 to 178.
This year, it took me 165 days... more than twice as long. This was intentional because this time around, I wanted to honor my feelings about the weight loss as I explained in my last progress pictures post at 90 Pounds Gone Again

Size-wise, things are much different weighing 178 pounds at 49 years old than they were weighing 178 pounds at 41 years old. My body is a lot different; one good thing is slightly less loose skin this time. Clothing size is different, too. In my last 100 pounds gone pictures I was wearing size 10 jeans. Today, I actually found those jeans and couldn't even get them on! I am wearing size 12's now and they are comfortable. Tops are in a medium or large. According to my records, my waist is 1.75 inches larger than in 2010. My hips are also .75 inches larger, and thighs each a half in larger than at this weight 8 years ago. Hopefully as I start biking, all of my measurements will shrink.

In the last ten pounds, I have lost an inch off my bust, a half inch off each thigh, and .75 inches off each upper arm! All my other body measurements stayed pretty close to the same. 

I cannot imagine posting 110 Pounds Gone pictures, but wouldn't that be cool?? We'll see what happens! Thank you to those who've stayed along and supported me all these years, to the new folks just coming along to cheer me on, and all those in between!

Sunday, October 21, 2018

Another Week Gone By

Just a little update for my weekly weigh-in.

Last week, I set 182 as my new "high line" for my weight range. Here is my weight graph over the last 12 days:

The weight line starts at 182 and ends at 179, which is what I weighed this morning. That's down a pound from last week. I feel good and none of this is a struggle. I even ate at Olive Garden this week and had the never-ending pasta bowl and bread sticks, and had the leftovers for dinner the same day. My portions were *not* small, either... I had a bowl of their fettuccine Alfredo topped with veggies, plus 2 bread sticks and salad for lunch, and a bowl of spaghetti with meat sauce and 2 bread sticks for dinner. Their chocolate chunk pumpkin cheesecake is pretty darned amazing, too! (I did split that with a friend). No, not low carb in any way, but I have started to really believe that a high carb/high volume day thrown in here and there is a good thing for me. There is no way *anyone* could feel deprived eating what I am eating. I also still have days of not eating anything (aside from coffee) until 11 or 12, and then stopping my eating at 7 or 8pm. And I usually do choose lower carb options and smaller portion sizes. It all balances out.

Today I had several cups of coffee with half and half, then at noon had a bowl of potato cheese soup and some raw veggie sticks with dip. In the afternoon I had more coffee, a Clementine, and two sugar free Red Vines. Dinner was taco meat with grated cheese and sour cream with some corn chips. And dessert was a piece of crustless pumpkin pie (not sugar free) with whipped cream.

I bought some new sweaters this week and was pretty surprised that a few of the size Large sweaters were way too big on me. Generally, I like sweaters to be pretty loose, but some of them were just baggy so I had to switch to a medium. That feels good! My size 14 jeans are insanely baggy (but comfortable, so I wear them around the house) and the 12's are just right.

Looking forward to the holidays and not being afraid of special meals, dinners, and traditions. How about you?

Sunday, October 14, 2018

Where I'm At, Ranges, and Loose Skin

As usual, I'm here to share my weekly Sunday weigh-in. Since I was gone for awhile, I missed last Sunday's weigh-in but posted at 184 pounds on Tuesday. Today, five days later, I weigh 180 again... same weight I was on October 1. It feels good to be able to have a "normal" life and not be on a strict diet plan and stressed out all the time over every goal or gain. Hopefully I can use the next couple of weeks and get into my next new weight range.

Weight ranges have been such a useful tool for me. Instead of being hyper-focused on getting to a lower number, I set goals of staying within a narrow range with a lower high end. So basically my ranges drop by about 4 to 6 pounds each time. It really adds up... as you can see by my ranges this year:

mid Feb - late March 201 - 206
late March - late April 195 - 200
mid April - late June 188 - 195
late June - late July 184 - 189
late July - early Sept 180 - 185

and for all of August, September, and so far in October, my range has been 179 to 184. So from a high of 206 in mid February and a low of 179 in October, that's a 27 pound drop in 6 months. Pretty good!

I think it would be nice to slide into a slightly lower range, say 176 to 182, for the rest of the year.

I started following "fatgirlfedup" (Lexi) on Instagram recently. She has been sharing a lot of stories, photos, and videos of her excess skin after losing 312 pounds in two years. She's young, and super healthy, and really inspiring! She's having her extra skin removed soon, but what struck me the most is that she and I are about the same weight right now (her last scale shot showed 182 pounds). But when I look at her body and my body there is such a HUGE difference. I have complained for years about my loose skin... and my batwing arms sure do rival Lexi's... but on the rest of me, so far I don't have nearly the amount of loose skin that she has. Her top weight was about 200 pounds higher than mine... so I know that's the reason, and I am really excited to see how her skin surgery turns out. If I stayed the weight I am now forever, the only skin I *might* consider having removed is on my upper arms. There is nothing else bothersome at all at this point (well, except that I do wish I could have the skin under my chin tightened up! It's a bit wrinkly.) I have some body sag, but either it's not as bad as I remembered it or I have truly come to accept it. We'll see what I think ten or twenty pounds from now.

On to another good week!